


on thin ice

by mind_boggling



Category: Daredevil (TV), The Punisher (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, domestic abuse tw, drug abuse tw, violence and violent tendencies tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 19:46:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 55
Words: 149,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7814722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mind_boggling/pseuds/mind_boggling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"but she was suddenly clear as day and he hated himself even more for ever letting his mind forget her."</p><p>++</p><p>Sergeant Frank Castle has lived alone accompanied by only his demons in his apartment for the better part of 10 years, surviving on Thai food and the everlasting shenanigans of his other 9 neighbours. When the apartment across from him becomes available, he figures it'll be empty for a while - cause who wants to live in an apartment an old guy died in? - but not even 4 months after his death, a powerful and strikingly beautiful blonde moves in. </p><p>For reasons he doesn't quite fully understand, he is drawn to her and her life when her nucleated facade doesn't hold up quite as well as she'd hoped. Her life slips through the cracks in the walls and he soon wants to learn everything about her, even with his mind telling him no - she is too complex and Frank can't seem to fathom her out. Plus, he has a fair share of secrets that he doesn't want to dump on top of her. </p><p>But that's the thing about secrets; they are always eager to ruin people. And Frank doesn't want his secrets to ruin her, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. an ugly beige couch

**Author's Note:**

> im posting this on a whim because i love kastle a lot and this is something random i started. there may be more chapters, but that depends on whether i can think of a proper plot lol. hope you enjoy x

He drank coffee at the same time every morning. Eight fifteen am, whilst listening to the broadcast of different "ten reasons why" segments. Today's was about being punctual. He ate a buttered bagel whilst simultaneously being late for work. He had coffee stains on his kitchen table from days ago. He never bothered cleaning them because he always seemed to place his coffee mug in the exact same place every morning.

The block he lived in was small, his apartment even smaller and everyone seemed to know everyone around there. Even though he knew everyone he didn't shout about it. He never told anyone else someone's business, as did the others. Everyone was tight lipped. He kept his distance but kept his ears open for the gossip that made its way throughout the building about other renters.

The apartment opposite his had been empty for almost three months and the silence was comforting in some hours. In others, he wished he still had the blare of Mr. Lumley's television at 11:30 at night when he tuned in to watch a specific rerun of a show Frank had never heard of until he pieced characters together from listening to Mr. Lumley and searched up who they were. He lay in bed whilst the same episode crawled through the walls and into his head from Lumley's apartment.

_"I think I need to believe it works - love, couplehood, partnerships. The idea that when people come together, they stay together."_

Frank would recite the memorised lines, like it was part of his routine. The pixelated voices already painted a strong picture of the scene and how Mr. Lumley was slumped in front of his TV. The same way Frank's dad used to sit in front of the TV, a beer in hand and his feet upon a stool. Frank remembered a time it wasn't a stool; instead a pile of magazines and books because his Dad despised reading that much.

_"I have to take that with me to bed every night, even if I'm going to bed alone"_

It had been three months since he had passed.

Obviously getting accustomed to the silence, Frank knew the apartment was occupied once again when a moving van appeared outside the front of the apartment. It was a Tuesday night and he sat on the fire escape, watching the goods be unloaded from the truck and onto his doorstep. People walked around them, the streets of New York still as busy as ever. It didn't matter someone was moving into their apartment - it wasn't a big deal anymore. It happened everyday.

The one thing that caught Frank's eye was the hideous beige coloured couch sitting on the corner of the street, people frowning as they walked past it. He couldn't help but laugh as he took a drag from his cigarette. A car pulled up a few seconds later, retro looking with a red rooftop but black on bottom. Another odd sight.

Her heels clashed against the ground as she walked fiercely, and Frank could practically hear the devil below his feet screaming in terror; _Oh shit, she's here._ All the other renters down in hell throwing things about and screaming because their world is crumbling. Only a woman with a secret walks with that much power. She was instantly intriguing. 

The sound transferred from ear to ear as she opened the door to the building and began climbing the stairs. She obviously had boxes in hand because her huffing was heard for miles. He listened out carefully as she slot the key into the apartment door and headed inside. The drink in Frank's hand was drowning in condensation and slipping from his hand, ashes from his cigarette dropping onto the mesh below because he was so distracted. 

Lumley's wooden floor echoed through the open window and toward Frank and he sat back in contentment, listening to what was about to unfold. He could still see the beige couch on the street below. One kid passing even sat on it as a mover stood by and watched; Frank could imagine the fit she would throw if she saw a dirty, energetic child on her pure and clean beige couch. The two didn't contrast well, even Frank could see that.

Frank pushed himself up from the fire escape after dropping the cigarette from the ground below. He downed the rest of his beer, placing the glass in the basin and wiped his damp hand on the bottom of his shirt. Grabbing a jacket, he threw it on and headed out the door. The way it slammed caused the whole building to shake and the sound echoed throughout the bare stairwells. A dog owned by one of the other renters screamed in response. 

He headed down quickly, toward the couch on the side of the street. The door to his building was propped open with a box; he figured she didn't want to keep keying herself up. The movers kept loading boxes down onto the street next to it. One of them turned to him, frowning slightly as he approached the site rolling the sleeves of his jacket up. He figured he should have just left it in his apartment.

"It's okay," Frank said, trying to edge the couch off the side walk toward the door. Another guy in an orange jacket joined him, the two of them stood together looking at Frank. "I got this"

The mover laughed in response, nudging his friend before the two of them began helping Frank carry the couch to the top floor of his block. When Frank got to the top, he looked around whilst panting; his decision for a jacket being majorly regretted. She was nowhere in sight.

The movers soon disappeared and Frank stopped to take a look around the apartment. He'd always wondered what it looked like when Mr Lumley lived there; he expected it to be dirty and messy with newspapers everywhere and dark velvet furniture and a throw covering the couch he sat on. But this apartment was spotless. Obviously Mr Lumley's daughters came and cleaned it out months ago so every single trace of his personality and what happened whilst he was living here, was gone.

Frank headed for the door after looking around and comparing it to his apartment and how similar it was. He thought about how clean it was compared to his place and if he had the chance to move somewhere new and start fresh in a place where there are no coffee stains on his table, whether he would. He was obviously so lost in the interior he didn't hear her approach the apartment and when he walked out to go back to his own place, Frank was hit clean over the head with a frying pan.

He yelled out in pain, stumbling toward the wall next to his front door which he fell against abruptly before he he turned quickly and frowned at her. She held a box labelled "kitchen utensils" in her arms, which explained the frying pan and where it came from. "Who are you and why are you in my apartment?"

Frank felt the back of his head, blood appearing on his fingers before he sighed, a thick pounding forming in his head. Dizziness was starting to overcome him and she wobbled in his vision. "I'm your neighbour," he motioned toward the door opposite, 5B. "Not exactly the introduction I expected"

She looked over his shoulder at his apartment, the frying pan still high in the air before she lowered it slightly. Frank frowned wildly as a strand of hair fell from behind her ear as she looked down slightly. In the odd situation, Frank didn't know whether it was his dizziness betraying him or whether she actually did look familiar.

"I thought you could use help with your couch, is all" Frank replied.

Her face faltered slightly, before she cleared her throat again and placed the frying pan back into the box. She tucked the strand back, her frown faltering slightly just before it hardened once again. "I don't need your help, 5B. I don't need anyone's help"

Frank didn't even learn her name before she slammed the door in his face.


	2. dermatologists hate him!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is developing into quite a fic so far, hope whoever has read the first chapter will stick around! x

The next morning Frank woke early. He slept earlier, not even thinking about listening out for Mr. Lumley because now someone was occupying the apartment opposite his, he forgot. He was also thinking about the blonde in 5A.

As he made coffee he found himself actually pulling the bedsheets across his bed instead of leaving them in a crinkled mess. Usually he rolled out of bed with just enough time to throw his uniform on and drink a coffee instead of make the bed and actually eat breakfast.

Whilst drinking his morning coffee and simultaneously eating a slice of toast, he grabbed a pen and paper and jotted a note that read; **anything you want to keep private here you may as well not say aloud. the walls are thinner than my hair here. - 5B.** He grabbed a bag of a change of clothes and an extra pair of boots.

On his way to work he posted the note under her door. 

He waited a few seconds on the stairwell, listening to her feet shuffling across the floor of the apartment. He could hear Linda's cat below screaming its morning call. He wondered if 5A wanted to claw her eyes out yet. (Pun definitely intended.) The edge of the note disappeared from under the door and Frank just smiled.

Frank pulled into the parking lot outside his precinct; rolling into the spot reserved for him especially. He grabbed his badge from the compartment in the passengers seat along with his gun. After retreating from his car, he grabbed the bag from the passengers seat, slinging it over his shoulder as he headed toward the door.

"Oh my god," Joni on the front desk fake gasped as he walked in. Frank shoved his badge on the edge of his belt, pulling his jacket further over his shoulder so it would cover it. "Castle is early!"

Frank laughed, placing his bag on the desk whilst she rooted through the files on her desk. He leaned against the desk, looking around at the clutter next to the computer. A pile noted " **DO NOT TOUCH -CASTLE** " caught his eye and he grabbed it before she turned back. "It's not everyday you'll see me here this early so make the most of it"

She gasped again, clutching the file to her chest quickly as Frank opened his bag and shoved the files inside. He then held his hand out for her to hand him the file. "What spurred this on, Castle? A new girl?"

Frank just shook his head, leaning over the desk and grabbing the file from her grasp quickly. He faked a tight smile, shaking his head. Everytime something was different for him, they all asked if it was girl-related. Either they felt bad cause he was lonely or they figured out he was a tad more cold-hearted than they knew. "You wish"

The real reason was because he didn't know why he felt like that. He didn't know why he felt like getting up early and being on time to work and impressing his squad for once. Maybe 5A seemingly having her life together inspired him. Even if she did hit him over the head with a frying pan.

"What happened to you, Castle?"

Frank flinched, grimacing as Scott slapped him in the back of his head that he had to shave and stitch up himself. Scott then pinched his shoulders, jostling him around more forcefully and playfully than Frank liked.

He grabbed Scott's hand, twisting it as he turned around to face him and Scott grunted in pain. Frank yanked his hand down below his head, grabbing his other before Scott could retaliate. "My new neighbour is bat shit crazy. I told you not to touch me, Scott"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Scott asked, yanking his hands away from Frank's grip. "And you don't have to take it out on me, man? I was only messing"

"I tried to help her move in, you know, be the gentleman I am. And she hit me over the head with a frying pan" Frank replied almost sheepishly. He kept a straight face, even though the concept sounded ridiculous when you said it aloud and was most definitely laughable. "So this is my attempt to stop myself from bleeding out"

Scott burst out laughing, Frank growing more bored as he laughed harder, coming to an abrupt stop when he saw Frank's hard expression. Scott cleared his throat, straightening his stance a little and folding his arms. "Sorry, it's not that funny"

"You should be" Frank replied, snapping more than he intended to. He then decided that he liked it. He folded his arms to mimic Scott, clearing his throat. "I'll shoot your balls off"

Scott scoffed, his arms dropping immediately as the joke set into play. Frank almost laughed at how he thought he was off the hook so easily. "You don't have the authority, Castle"

Frank raised his brows, grabbing his gun and putting it into aim toward Scott. "Do you forget that I am actually, your Sergeant, Scott? I have as much authority as I please, I just choose not to use it most of the time. Don't make me start"

"Okay, okay! Jesus, Castle" Scott snapped, grabbing his own pile of files from the desk before walking off. Joni stifled a laugh, going back to the computer and beginning to type away. Frank smiled, the authority he had over Scott only adding to his good mood.

\--

When he arrived home, most of his neighbours were out. Some of them actually out of the building, some of them just sitting outside their apartments. Usually he could hear the buzz of some sort of machinery flowing through the building, maybe a TV or someones washer running for too long. Instead, he heard laughing floating from the top floor.

Linda was outside, her cat roaming the stairs as Frank hauled a box of files up the stairs along with his bag over his shoulder. She lived in 4B, so Frank pretty much knew most of the things about her, her cheating ex husband and her drug dealing friend who keeps giving her cats.

"Afternoon" Frank said, sending her a smile. Linda smiled back, taking it as a sign to inform Frank on the weather when in fact he had been outside, along with her cat's latest disease and how she had an odd rash on the bottom of her thigh. He really didn't need to know but had to listen to stay friendly and polite. 

When he reached the top floor, he heard a champagne bottle being popped and the laughing he could hear further down became louder and clearer. Definitely coming from 5A. He frowned, shoving the box under his arm as he pulled his key from his pocket. 

"Well it is a lovely place, even if the building is trashy. And the neighbours? I've been here once and already met a few of them. Stay away, girl"

Frank frowned again, turning toward the door as if to take offence. Yeah the building may be odd but if it was fancy it wouldn't fit. The renters wouldn't fit in there. It was a a band of misfits that maybe 5A didn't belong to. The woman who spoke first had a belly laugh, a loud cackle that made Frank want to stick knives in his ears. But not 5A.

She laughed, her laughter pure and rich and probably had a cracking smile to match it. Frank painted a picture in his head, standing outside his apartment almost in a trance, his stomach flipping slightly at the thought. He hadn't heard a laugh like that since before he had moved to the city. 

Frank's head ached where Scott slapped him and he felt as though there were more blood trickling down the back of his neck. It was hot and sticky but Frank felt for blood and there was none. Only sweat. His shoulder ached at the weight of his bag and he needed to get into his apartment but he was too intrigued at the conversation in 5A.

"I guess you're right. I mean it will make do considering the circumstances" Her voice caught Frank's attention through the walls and he stopped the door just as he opened it. Her voice was darker than the first one; a voice of someone who had too many secrets hidden. The voice you'd listen to for hours on a crime show, wondering whether you cared more about unmasking the villain or just listening to them talk. Whether you really wanted them to be unmasked.

"I always said you could come and stay with me, you know that!" The other voice was more homely and friendly than 5A's. It fit well with a belly laugh - Frank began painting a suburban image in his head. Maybe a sister?

"No, I couldn't. I feel rude and invading" She replied, her voice sounding cold and feeble. A sudden change. It was all too intriguing to Frank, how two people in the same conversation sounded so different. How she was so good as masking her obvious damage.

Frank ignored the reply and headed into his apartment, the weight of whatever he was carrying becoming too much. He placed the box on his kitchen table, almost frowning at the sight of no coffee stains. He then remembered he cleaned them before work this morning. 

He approached the door to lock it up and spotted a piece of paper on the floor. It was the same piece he shoved under 5A's door. He saw his message on the front along with thick black markings on the back. 

Flipping it over, he saw it read: **You should see a dermatologist if your hair is that thin. I know a guy.**


	3. mickey and scuttle

Frank stared at the note whilst sitting at the table and drinking from a hot mug. Why a small note intrigued him so much, he had no clue. Why was she so captivating? It was literally words on a page, but it was the fact she played along with him, instead of complaining and potentially "freaking out" that her neighbour left her a note attempting to make a joke.

He had seen too many people try and use sarcasm as a flirting technique and every time it failed miserably. Only this time, there was something about the way she spoke, even on paper. It was different. He found himself laughing after reading it several times. A spark within him that died so many years ago attempting to light again. Frank dampened it down before anything happened.

Frank hadn't laughed in an awful long time. It was something he swore he'd never do with ease again. Only force. Force to show he wasn't completely dead inside, only to show that he did conform with the people around him. Why? Something else he didn't know the answer to. Something else that had been shut off for some unknown reason. 

So many things in Frank's life had lead to questionable decisions on not doing things but it just felt normal for him now. He was alone so often and for such long periods of time he made his own rules and learned to live by them without question. He figured if someone else were to take a look inside his mind and reasoning, he'd be having an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Frank ripped another piece of paper from the note pad on his table and began scribbling a message. He tried different approaches, not wanting to sound too forward but the comment about a dermatologist really silenced him. What if she was right? What if he did need to see a dermatologist? Was he going bald at an early age?

More importantly, why was such a small comment like that affecting him so much? He never cared about any of this before. It was like he figured out before; she put everything into perspective. Which was odd for Frank, cause he'd never really had to think about what someone else thought of him, only what he did. It only ever mattered what he did and how he did it. Now someone with a better life than him was demonstrating it across the hall it really made him think.

Interrupting his thoughts, Frank's phone buzzed and reminded him of the time. He rooted through his kitchen drawer for the key and picked his wallet off of the table. Grabbing the note he scribbled, he shoved it in his pocket all scrunched. He threw his jacket over his shoulder, heading out the apartment before he could even shut the lights off.

He headed to the bottom floor of the block of apartments across from him, buzzing himself in with the key he had made before unlocking the door to 1B. The building was quiet and Frank was never quite used to it, making a shift change from the constant buzz in his own building compared to the still era in this one. It almost felt nice, he could imagine getting an amazing sleep.

Frank couldn't help but smile as the two tiny dogs bombarded him, jumping up his legs and barking loudly. More of a yapping, their fragile bodies couldn't produce such a noise just yet, but still quite loud when the two were put together. He shut the door before they escaped, bending down and letting them jump into his arms. "Hey guys, did you miss me?"

"Frank?"

"Yeah, it's me bud" He replied, standing again as the dogs jumped off him and began running in the direction of the voice calling out. Frank grabbed the leashes off the hook by the door before walking through the apartment slowly. Every time he came in he looked around, wondering what it was like to live there. It was so different to his apartment even though they lived merely within seeing distance.

Frank looked across at Mason in his wheel chair as he rolled toward him from across the room. He smiled up at Frank, not being able to extend a hand to shake or arms to hug him due to the paralysis. Frank always felt bad or kind of awkward at that part of the visit but it soon cleared up because either one of them started to talk. "How you doing, buddy?"

Mason grunted slightly, trying to smile wider but only failing miserably. Frank really didn't know how he could stay alone at night with only two dogs for company after his carer went home for the day. It seemed so lonely, even lonelier than Frank who lived on his own. But he figured Mason had his own habits. "Good. Thanks for doing this"

Frank frowned, "Shut up," He said, "I've been doing this since the accident, you don't have to thank me everytime, bud" 

Mason grunted again, a vague noise coming out which Frank laughed at because he knew it was the equivalent to him making incoherent sounds. They were at the stage of friendship where Frank was allowed to laugh at little things like that, a) because he understood and b) because Mason would undoubtedly laugh too. "I think they love you more than they love their disabled father"

Frank shook his head, "Don't be ridiculous. I'll take them round the block a few times and then I'll be back, sound good?"

Frank always told Mason the same route even if he changed it sometimes. Some days he'd fit it so he could grab Mason a bit of shopping or so that Frank could grab take out food on the way home. Usually after walking around the neighbourhood multiple times he wasn't in the mood to cook so the Thai take out place on the corner of the street by Mason's building was perfect.

"Thank you, Frank" 

Frank rounded the dogs up, attaching a leash to both of them before heading out the door of the apartment. The dogs ran eagerly, heading out onto the dark street and Frank sped up so they could roam as free as possible. He was thankful of this opportunity because it was the only time he did heart raising exercise. He never did any training at work and never went to the gym whenever the others did.

He pulled his jacket further onto his body, shoving his free hand in his pocket and crossing the road with the dogs. As he approached his building, one of them stopped and began to pee just by a tree on the side walk. Frank couldn't help but laugh, as the other dog grew impatient. He took the time to contemplate what take out to get, whether he should try somewhere new or just stick to the Thai place.

Frank stared around the street, looking at beaming lights from bars and restaurants at the end of the street blare in his eyes and cabs go whizzing by. The whole aroma and atmosphere of his neighbourhood was almost picturesque but Frank had never slowed for long enough to take any of it in. Eat, sleep, drive to work on the other side of town. He never had the chance. The door to his building opened and he expected to see one of the other renters walk off hurriedly but it was in fact 5A.

He frowned as she pulled a hood over her head, before heading down the street toward the bars and clubs. The dogs began walking again, pulling Frank in the same direction. He tried to keep his distance, yanking on the leashes to try and pull them backward a little but the dogs had a mind of their own and 5A just seemed to be walking the exact same route Frank took with the dogs.

She looked over her shoulder briefly and Frank hoped she didn't notice him almost following her. He tried to think of what the excuse would be if she did clock onto the fact he was her neighbour who she had attacked with a kitchen utensil walking the same route as her on a Wednesday night. Frank wondered why she was heading down so many alleys and darker roads at such a time of night, he couldn't help but worry about her even though he barely knew her.

He then reconsidered and realised she didn't need to be worried about. Oddly, the back of his head began aching as if to remind him yet again of what she did. It had only left a lasting effect on him, something she probably didn't intend to do. Surely she had to know that if she wanted someone to leave her alone or to stay out of her business, the one thing not to do was smash them over the head and tell them to leave. That seemed like huge scene in any situation.

They came to a cross road and she headed the opposite way to him. He wanted to follow, to see what sort of shady business she might have been getting up to, but the dogs pulled him in the other direction having being used to their routine. Frank was suddenly disappointed for routine, for the same pavements and walkways and the same footsteps being stepped on the ground. He wanted change. And he hadn't wanted change in an awful long time.

Frank never saw her again that night, but she must have gotten back to the building before him because he saw a note sticking out the bottom of his door. The smell of the Thai food wafted from the bag in his other hand, covering the smell of poo on the bottom of his boots that he had stepped in whilst focusing on 5A. One of the dogs had left it behind. Shoving the key into the lock, he headed inside and picked it off the floor  quickly.

In the thick black marker, it read: **I didn't know you had two dogs. Funny, in my lease it said pets aren't allowed. I wonder how you keep them so quiet.**


	4. sour scotch

**I didn't know you had two dogs. Funny, in my lease it said pets aren't allowed. I wonder how you keep them so quiet.**

Frank couldn't help but smile at the note. It also meant she had seen him walking them outside their building or either walking the same way she was when she was on the way to whatever shady place she was visiting. He wondered whether she had seen him when she turned, Frank's small effort to stay out of sight having failed or whether she saw him somewhere else.

He thought about asking her, but he also thought about playing the angle that he didn't see her. After contemplating both thoughts, he realised he was a fucking idiot. Nobody ever thinks about this stuff and he knew that if Scott Sardarov at the precinct knew about this he would laugh in Frank's face for as long as he could. 5A was messing with his head a little.

The fast food containers piled up on his table, the end of the chop sticks leaving marks on it. Frank just sighed, grabbing a serviette and wiping it off. He frowned, knowing that he would have usually left it. He didn't even give a second thought to cleaning it up either. He stopped with the serviette in mid-air, almost re-evaluating his entire set of actions - why? Maybe he was just tired.

A pounding in his head began to form, and he threw the fast food containers into the bag he carried home from the dog walk. He never usually cleaned up after take out food, the containers littering his kitchen and stinking the place out until someone was due to come over and he had to clean them away, but here he was. He placed it by the front door, making a mental note to take it down to the bins outside the back of his building tomorrow. Finally, he climbed into bed.

\--

Frank awoke to darkness, but a loud ringing in his ears. He shot up quickly once he realised it was the smoke alarm. He rolled out of bed and headed into the other room quickly, turning the lights on to check if he left anything on. Nothing. The fast food containers were still in the bag by his door, the glass of spirits still sitting half empty on the table. Everything was slightly fuzzy so he abandoned checking anywhere else.

He then sighed, realising it was a building evacuation before grabbing a jacket and the fast food bag before heading out of his apartment. His phone was still in his jacket pocket when he checked and he realised he hadn't even checked his bedside table to see if it was missing. It was always there, in case of emergencies, but not then. Somehow things were contrasting in Frank's mind and it was working overtime. 

He ran down the stairs, everyone fleeing from their own apartments. He shoved his free hand in his pocket, the alarm getting louder as he got closer to the bottom as well as the sound of his neighbours shouting and complaining. Even the Landlord had emerged from his apartment; Frank never really liked him. He was a middle aged man, only a few years older than Frank himself with a beer belly and a bad attitude. 

"For God's sake, what did you do this time Castle?" Frank's neighbour Mark who lived across from Linda in 4A, an old grouchy man who always smelt of a weird mixture of ale and fabric conditioner, folded his arms and shouted toward Frank as he headed down the last few steps. Frank hadn't formed a solid opinion on him, just that he seemed like he never really gave a fuck about anything. The only thing Frank knew about him was that he got on well with Mr. Lumley.

Frank just frowned, "What makes you think it was me?" 

"Came from the top floor, didn't it? Unless Linda set one of her cats on fire again" Mark snapped, looking toward Linda who took a drag from a cigarette as she glared across the hallway at him. Frank almost laughed at how ridiculous they both looked; Linda in a nightgown that was a mucky grey colour and Mark in a white tank top and polka dot underpants. It was a picture worthy moment. "That's a seriously fucked up way to kill cats, Linda!"

"Fuck you, Peretti" She snapped back, causing Frank to flinch as she rarely bought out her harsher side in front of him. Smoke blew everywhere as she spoke. He knew that she and Mark had always had problems with each other and he always intended to stay out of things. But when you're coming home from work and they are yelling at each other from across the hall, it's hard to not get caught in the crossfire. "You always think I got something to do with anything, eh? Always! How do we know you didn't start the fire, huh?"

Frank avoided them as the commotion got louder. He checked his pocket for his phone and pulled it out as he walked out back to the bins. It was almost 4 am. It wasn't even hitting him how tired he would usually be at that time on any other day but for some reason he was suddenly wide awake. Who started a fire at that time?

He opened the recycling bin, shoving different packages into different bins before throwing the bag in too. Just as he turned back toward to door, the alarm stopped and he could hear people on the floors above, their feet echoing down the stairs as they made their way back toward the ground floor. The ringing continued on in his ears and that's when he spotted her.

Her blonde hair whipped around the corner, and he stared through the glass as she stared at the ground. She focused so hard on not making contact with anyone; nobody knew her yet. She had nobody to talk to. A fire is set off in her building and she looks scared shitless and has nobody to talk to. She also looks perfect. No bed head and she looks like she's wearing clothes she just walked into her apartment wearing.

Frank's frown softened as he realised: 5A set the fire.

The Landlord cleared everyone and people began making their way back to their apartments and she was up the stairs like a shot before Frank could even approach her. He frowned, staring at the empty space she stood in before zoning back into reality and heading up the stairs as people were jostling past him. Most of the tenants were single people so in total there weren't that many but there was the odd family who lived in 2B.

Once he reached the top, her door was shut and the smell of smoke was clear. He didn't understand how he missed it on the way down, and he frowned for a second before opening his door and heading inside. He didn't even see any flames so she must have put it out before they reached the top but not quick enough to stop the alarm from waking the whole building. 

The lights were still on and he headed over to the note pad and pen that lay on his table. He scribbled a note quickly before ripping it off and heading outside to slot it under her doorstep.

**If you had a staring contest with the ground, you'd lose. I saw you. If you're trying to stay un-noticed, it's not working. - 5B.**


	5. semper fi

Frank had been invited out with work on Saturday evening but he was considering giving it a miss. He and 5A had been corresponding through shitty notes posted through doors for the past few days now and he'd had enough. It was stupid that they weren't co-operating like normal people but Frank was admittedly intimidated by her. Stupid, but true. He wondered if she felt the same or if she just didn't give a shit.

His head was somehow worse. The aching was increasing and he thought he could feel the stitches coming undone which was never a good sign. He decided to pay his sister a visit as she can most likely diagnose the damage and fix it up quickly which would stop the pain and on his way out he'd knock at 5A and see what happened. It was also an excuse to see his niece and nephew who he hadn't seen for months.

He held a box of waffles for his sister as he knew they were her favourites as he locked the door to his apartment. They were good waffles which was why he'd eaten most of them already. He knew she preferred home made ones but Frank was definitely not a master in the kitchen so ones from Walmart would have to do. They tasted just as good in the long run and she always enjoyed them.

As he turned away from his door, he looked toward 5A. He had a weird feeling in his chest; a weird tightness that must be nerves. He hadn't felt nervous since police academy which was so odd. He was actually nervous. Frank always faced things head on, not bothering to work himself up over small things that never mattered. He always had an answer for things, always assertive and concise but for some reason all of this expert training was slowly slipping from his mind when he thought about asking 5A out.

Before he could stop himself he was knocking on her door. He could just about force himself to do that much. The pain in his head was increasing by what seemed seconds, almost as if all nerves were stored there and everything he was nervous about was conspiring in the one spot he was injured in. He almost felt dizzy. He tried to think of what Gabriela or Scott would say if they saw him like this; nothing like the front he put on for them.

She unlocked the door before he could run away and he tried to smile as her face appeared. She was frowning, as usual. Well, he'd only seen her a few times and she was frowning every time. It was more of a mocking frown, rather than pure anger.

"It's you" she said, keeping her door more closed than open. She frowned at the box in his hand, "They're not for me, are they? Cause I don't do "welcome from the neighbours" gifts"

Frank found himself looking at the box of waffles, his hands tightening around it after she mentioned it. His heart was undoubtedly pounding but he wasn't focused on that at that moment. It was the odd thing about fear; you work yourself up over things and whilst their happening fear is nowhere to be seen. "They're for my sister, I'm on my way to see her"

She mused, a small snort escaping. "Proper family guy, are you?"

Frank shook his head, "I've eaten over half already"

She just nodded. "I used to have the same problem"

Used to? What kind of past was she referring to? Had something happened to make her like this? Frank didn't know why one interaction was fuelling him into wanting to find everything out about her. She just seemed so mysterious and like she was hiding so much all at once whilst being a calm and collective person at the same time. Frank went through a phase in his life of hiding too many things at once and he was a complete mess.

"So why are you knocking on my door if those cookies aren't for me and you're on your way to see your sister?" She asked, leaning against the door. Relaxation; Frank noted the fact her face did actually falter slightly and she looked slightly more impressed than before. He took this as a sign that so far, he hadn't messed up.

Frank found himself looking at the box again before looking back toward her. He felt self-conscious over things that were practically nothing. He was like a High School kid all over again. He muttered out the only thing he could think of saying; not even witty whatsoever. She probably thought he was an idiot, which self admittedly he was. "They're waffles"

"Big difference" She replied, folding her arms tightly across her chest. This upped her stance, causing her to almost tower over Frank's tired ego. He almost felt out of breath at her constant wit. He figured he'd have to up his game if he wanted to ask her on a date. "They're made the same, probably taste the same and have the same effect: "oh man these taste so good!" 

Frank actually smiled and he found himself briefly looking toward his feet. His boots were so worn and it was little things like that which were putting him off talking to her. Prolonging him. "I'm actually here to ask you if you want to go for a drink with me tonight but now I feel like you'll reject me and call me an idiot for even trying"

She raised a brow and Frank could feel a quick-tongued response coming up. "I have a work thing"

"So you already have a job?" Frank retaliated, quicker than he himself expected. "You must be really hire-able"

She smiled. She actually smiled and Frank was bewildered her face even moved that way. His work colleagues probably thought exactly the same of him. Something they had in common, but he wouldn't mention that yet. "I had a job before I moved here, you know"

"Why did you move here?" he asked, suddenly intrigued. She was probably lying about her job because from what Frank had seen she was definitely not from around here. Nor anywhere close so a job would be a good few hours out. Why she was so interesting he didn't know.

"You're already asking date-topic questions? How eager of you" She replied, cocking a brow as she looked at him.

Frank shuffled the box in his arms awkwardly. "I never said it was a date"

Noticing the odd look on his face, she sighed loudly. "I told you, I have a work thing"

"I have a work thing too, like I actually do. I'm a cop, so you know I have tonnes of friends, but I'm gonna give it a miss and head to the bar on eighth street because I'd rather sit there than listen to all my colleagues talk about their wives or kids and how hard and unhappy their lives are" He replied, shrugging his shoulders with the box still in his hand. "Maybe you'll do the same"

Frank then turned to leave eagerly, trying to mask the embarrassment and shield his face that had turned a bold shade of reed due to how many fuck ups he made. He didn't know anyone could feel as much self-hate and embarrassment as he did in that exact moment. 

\--

Frank reached his Sister's 30 minutes later after what usually was a 15 minute drive turned out to be longer. He figured the syrup in the waffles he had had definitely melted because he was baking inside of his car throughout the whole journey. For September, it was pretty hot and he regretted the thick jumper he had picked out that morning due to the cold seeping through the fire escape at 8am.

He wondered whether 5A would actually turn up or whether he had just made the biggest fool out of himself ever. 50/50 situation. He felt like a paralysed child in a sitcom whose mother or father had embarrassed them in public but also felt like the clueless parent at the same time. The contrast was really odd. He couldn't remember the last time he went on a date. Probably not since High School. 

Senior Year; Frank was successful, had lots of friends and lots of potential. He was on the ice hockey team, master of the ice and charming the girls on the cheer squad. But none of them were quite like she was. She was nobody. A tiny red head sitting in the corner of the bleachers every lunch studying or reading an obscurely big book he had never heard of. But that was what made her beautiful. And Frank fell for her. 

And then she left for Princeton.

Gabriela's children squealed as Frank headed into the house, a smile that couldn't help but make its way onto his face spreading from ear to ear. Her house smelt like baking and the two children came running toward him wearing aprons and covered in flour and chocolate. "Uncle Frank!" 

Frank wrapped his arms around them both as he fell to his knees, squeezing his eyes shut as they squeezed him tighter. Their arms hugged either side of his body and it was the one time he wished he was bigger, able to hug them for longer and tighter so they'd know that he did love them, even if he didn't visit as often as he used to.

"Hey guys," he said, kissing both their foreheads before standing once again. He spotted his sister, a smile on her face as she looked down on her messy children before looking up at Frank. Frank rubbed the smaller boy's head, flour rubbing off onto his hand. How he got flour in his hair whilst baking, Frank had no clue. Usually it was a minuscule task. "How's it going?"

"Hey Frank," she said, pulling him in for a hug. He wrapped his arms around his sister's smaller frame, careful not to hug her too tightly. He could feel her standing on her tiptoes as Frank's height had been a problem for many years. She touched the back of his head and he flinched. She pulled away quickly, "What happened to your head?"

He nodded, "That's what I'm here for"

\--

Frank ended up at the same bar as his work crew, not knowing that's where they were going when he asked 5A to a drink. He claimed he was supposedly "tagging along" but keeping his distance for when 5A turned up. If, she turned up. He kept the last part to himself, having told nobody about his possible "date", if that was even the correct term for it. He still felt like an idiot; no grown man was supposed to feel this childish about dating.

About halfway through the entrance to the bar, he realised he never got a confirmed answer as to whether she would show. At least he had his work crew to fall back on if he was stitched up. He grabbed a seat at the bar as his crew loudly made their way to a table in the corner of the bar. Frank could already tell he regretted turning up, the commotion being created by his colleagues giving him a bad name and humiliating him at the same time.

Frank got through two beers before he began getting agitated at the loud noises that came from his rowdy friends and he felt for the waitress behind the counter as she kept rolling her eyes. "Lads, huh?" she said at one point, speaking to Frank directly but it took him a few seconds for it to actually register in his brain. He stopped sipping from his drink and looked at her. "Idiots. The lot of them"

Frank just smiled as she cursed away, pottering around behind the counter as some of them approached asking for drinks. He figured he should warn her that they were cops and that by kicking them out for being too rowdy wouldn't be the best move she could pull. But first he wanted to see how it played out.

"Not joining us Frankie boy?" Frank pushed his arm off quickly as he tried to sling it around his neck. His name was Austin and Frank didn't really know him well but he was the Commissioner's Son so he figured he could do whatever he liked. It was a bit harder than Frank intended it to be but somehow the waitress' anger toward them got the better of him.

"No thanks" Frank replied, twisting a little in his seat to look at them. "With the reputation you're earning yourselves in here I'd be lucky to stay away from it" 

After they left whilst throwing insults at him, he sipped at his beer once more and looked over his shoulder at the door. When he turned back, the waitress was looking at him. "I didn't know they were your friends" She said, wiping the counter before pulling a face. "Sorry, love"

Frank shook his head, "No need to apologise. Work colleagues, from the police force. I don't like the majority of them anyway"

"The police? I better watch myself. Are you a Detective or something, hun? You seem to boss them around a lot" She said, leaning against the counter and looking at him bewilderedly. 

Frank nodded, scratching the back of his head. "Sergeant Castle. If any of them are out of line, you tell me and the only thing on the line will be their jobs"

The two ended up laughing and she gave Frank a beer on the house. His fourth beer of the night. The bar grew rowdier as the night went on, Scott checking on Frank every now and then. The beer lasted him til midnight, when the bar closed. His colleagues had moved onto another bar and there were only a few people left milling. 

5A didn't show.

After biding the waitress goodnight, Frank left and stumbled all the way home to his building. There was nobody about as he climbed the stairs loudly, and once he got to the top he headed for 5A's door. He began to pull his keys out ready for when she slammed the door in his face and he shamefully went into his apartment.

As he was about to knock, he heard odd noises coming from inside and he narrowed his eyes and strained. The alcohol must have affected his senses because everything went quiet and he was starting to feel dizzy. He headed into his apartment and didn't even make it to his bed before he collapsed on the sofa asleep.


	6. glittered boots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: depictions of violence

Frank awoke with a pounding in his head mixing with the sound of his phone ringing. He groaned loudly, reaching out to the table in front of the sofa to feel for his phone, eventually dropping it and sitting up on the sofa to pick it up. He swayed from side to side, the hangover having kicked in hours ago before he woke. The pounding formed in his head was similar to the one he heard outside 5A's apartment the night before. That was the one thing he did remember.

"Hello?" he grumbled, putting it to his ear. He took a look at his surroundings before rubbing his eyes quickly. Everything became less blurry the more times he blinked but there was a sharp pain in his right eye.

"Where are you, Frank?"

He frowned, rubbing at his eye to hopefully stop the pain darting around and causing temporal blindness. "Gabby?"

"Did you just get up?" She asked, her voice scarily low. "Are you kidding me, Frank? You said you'd be here, we're waiting for you - again!"

Frank's mouth gaped; Layla's birthday. He turned quickly, eyeing the gift that sat on his kitchen table unwrapped. He wasn't even sure he owned any paper to wrap it in and the card was hidden in his locker at work. He tried strategizing a plan to get there and back in the quickest time possible as well as wrap the gift and look presentable. "I- uh,"

Gabriela sighed, "You forgot"

Frank rubbed the palm of his hand into his head, hitting it multiple times. He tried listing the people who he'd have to see at said party and beginning to prepare himself but everything was a jumble in his mind. He didn't have time to prepare the "Why don't you have a lady, Frank?" speech for his extensive family. "Gabby I'm sorry I had a rough night last night and it's really no excuse but I'll wrap the gift and I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?"

"Hurry up. Ma is expecting you soon with a gift and an apology" Gabriela replied, and Frank could hear commotion in the background, small eleven year olds screaming and his family speaking. If he didn't have a bad enough headache already, he'd certainly have one after today. He also realised he'd have to listen to the boring drone of Gabriela's husband and whatever his new obsession was.

Frank sighed loudly, ending the call before throwing his phone onto the other couch angrily. He jumped off the sofa, heading into the bathroom quickly and washing his face with a splash of water. The fact he was late was pissing him off but also the fact 5A stitched him up was adding to it. He sort of wished he had remembered because he could have given Gabriela a reasonable excuse not to come and not see his family. 

He would have dropped the gift off later when no-one was around. It worked every year. But she had clocked onto it and made him promise to turn up this year. Not even changing his clothes, he headed into the kitchen and began to wrap the gift on the table. He succeeded after multiple attempts and cuts appearing on his fingers.

Frank grabbed his almost-dying phone and almost-empty wallet along with the gift before he headed out of his apartment. He figured there would be a charger at Gabriela's and there would be a shortage of at least something so he could make an excuse to go on an errand and get money out at the same time. He practically ran down the stairs, his footsteps echoing throughout the whole building.

The journey to his Sister's took less time than usual been as he took a short cut and cut a few corners on his way. Stopping at the precinct to get the card from his locker almost earned him a parking ticket as he didn't have a disability badge on his windshield when he stopped in the bay for 37 seconds exactly. He was surprised he wasn't in an accident. Gabriela would have killed him if he hadn't died already.

He pulled up outside her house, noticing all the other cars piling up around the neighbourhood. It was the same every year and he knew Gabriela's neighbours hated her for it. But she never cared as long as Layla had a good day. As he walked up to the door, he saw the banner on the front that said _HAPPY 14TH BIRTHDAY!_ along with pink balloons tied to the porch light. He could already hear the squeals from the garden and he estimated that there would be over 15 girls there. His Sister never liked to disappoint. 11 year old Jamie never approved.

Frank couldn't even knock the door before it opened and an angry Gabriela appeared with a frown on her face. He held the sparkling pink bag he had asked for assistance with when picking out up along with a bag of waffles. Her favourite. He was earn her forgiveness. Gabriela eyed the packet. "Are you trying to make me fat?"

He faked a gasp, "Never"

She rolled her eyes, "Took you long enough"

He just laughed, realising he hadn't had any coffee or food since he woke and he was in desperate need of an aspirin. Gabriela snatched the gift and the waffles from him, holding them close to her chest. "Had to stop off at work on the way. I'm sorry, Gabby. I love what you've done with the place. The balloons, the banners. So much effort I don't have"

He stepped inside as she shut the door before heading off down the hallway. Frank stifled a laugh as she walked away, the gift bag he had handed her leaving a glitter trail behind her along her wooden floor. Frank made sure to step around it as heading into the precinct with black boots coated in pink glitter would go down a treat with Scott. He wouldn't hear the end of it for months after. "I'm disappointed in you Frank. Seriously. I would never miss your kids birthday, if you had any"

Frank frowned in response. "You can't try and guilt trip me with kids I don't have"

He saw his family as he headed into the room where they all sat around talking and gossiping and most likely commenting on how late Frank was. By quickly scouting the room he saw his Mother, his Aunts and Uncles - his Aunt Sara having remarried when Frank was in his late twenties, the time Frank never really paid attention to anything so he had no clue what his name was - Gabriela's husband and multiple of his cousins who he had drifted from after Senior Year.

"Look who finally decided to show," Gabriela said, all trace of her sudden anger against Frank had disappeared. He tried to smile, looking around at everyone's faces and trying to properly observe who was there and where he left it with them all. The girlfriend topic was the one he was dreading the most but he had so many loose ends with half of hid family he couldn't remember what he had said to who.

"Francis," his Mother stood from the couch and approached him. Despite her age, she still moved faster than an average 65 year old and her hair was still styled as beautifully as it was when Frank and Gabriela were in High School. She still took all pride in herself and everything she owned and Frank smiled. She placed her hands on his face and her eyes crinkled together. Frank's face softened between her hands."It's so good to see you"

Frank let the moment last for a second before taking her hands from his face and holding them in his own. He stroked her fingers with his own, squeezing gently as he knew her arthritis had kicked in multiple years ago and her bones were only fragile. In the brief silence he heard the sound of screaming from the backyard, Layla waving frantically as she spotted him through the window. "I told you I don't go by Francis anymore, Mom. It's Frank"

She just shook her head, "I forget, you know I forget a lot, baby"

Frank looked at her and felt something pull inside of him. It was an off feeling, like someone was turning the clock back in his mind to when he was young and his Mom spoke fluent Italian at the dinner table. She was still stuck in that time, but Frank had moved on. He had moved on for the better, but every so often when he was almost forced to, he'd go back. Like today, for instance, when his entire family would be talking about "the good days". 

He ended up taking a seat in the corner of the room next to Gabriela's husband Mike. He was a pretty boring man who liked sports like golf and tennis and could play and entire trivia game on either subjects with himself. He didn't really know what Gabriela saw in him as they were almost polar opposites. Then again, Frank missed quite a lot of stuff throughout the years. Around 8, the door knocked and Frank figured the his anticipated guest of the whole party was about to walk through the door.

Which he did.

Marco earned multiple cheers, louder than Frank's were, but that was mostly because his family was growing increasingly drunk. Gabriela, still 100% sober, welcomed him. She only stayed sober for when the parents to Layla's friends arrived to collect them; after that she let loose. Especially with Marco around. He spotted Frank, eyes widening. "Frank!"

Frank faked a smile, not wanting the exchange that was about to unfold to happen. He scratched his head awkwardly as Marco drew a chair up next to him. Despite their age difference, Marco had significant leverage over him that Frank seriously did not like whatsoever. "Hey, Marco"

"Still flying solo, I see?" Marco asked, a smirk on his face as he licked his lip. Frank sighed loudly, making it known to everyone in the room he was uncomfortable and did not want to talk about that subject, or indeed talk to Marco anyway. "You're not that repulsive, bro. There's bound to be someone out there"

"Marco," Gabriela snapped, looking at him across the room. "Don't be a dumb ass. Frank, help me with refills?"

Frank got up without saying a word, heading into the kitchen with Gabriela hot on his heels. He headed straight for the refrigerator, pulling a beer out and flicking the cap off using the counter top. He gulped down as much as he could. Gabriela pulled it out his hand immediately. "Are you seriously drinking on a Sunday?" 

"What, everyone else can have fun and I can't?" Frank snapped lowly.

"They don't have to serve the city at 8am tomorrow" She replied, pouring the beer in the basin before he could take it back from her. "Please don't do this, not today Frank, today of all days. Can you just please be civil?"

"Why did you invite him then?" Frank snapped, "He is known for causing trouble"

"He's our brother, Frank. He's Layla and Jamie's Uncle, he has a right to be here" Gabriela snapped, folding her arms and tucking the beer bottle underneath.

"Don't talk shit Gabby," Frank answered, "I'm not staying here with him, so tell Layla I said happy birthday and make up a shitty excuse as to why I have to leave"

Gabriela couldn't grab him before he left, slamming the door behind him. He was angry that Marco had won, yet again, like he always did, but Frank would rather leave a family gathering than ruin it with his grudges and temper. Everyone knew he and Marco didn't get on and Gabriela would probably get a scolding for inviting them both to the same event.

He climbed in his car at 9:30 pm, taking a slow drive back to his apartment. He began thinking about how stupid he must have looked being stood up at the bar and having to talk to a waitress for the whole night - not even a waitress you could take home. He parked around the corner of his building as there was no space around the front. He couldn't see 5A's car either. It had grown dark quickly and he locked his car up before heading toward the street.

One minute the street lights where bright in his eyes, the next a bag was thrown over his head and pain began running through his body. He couldn't tell how many people there were but they were punching and they were punching so damn hard. He didn't have time to retaliate; the bag over his head throwing off his other senses. A sharp pain hit his abdomen but Frank hadn't a clue what it was. He fell to the floor, footsteps around him began heading down the road and mixing with the horns of cars going past and music from clubs down the street. 

He was out before he could call for help.


	7. torched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanted to post this early been as i missed the past two fridays and posted late :/ sorry! but this is a thank you for 500 reads. x

Frank awoke to the light sound of a TV. There was a cold compress on his forehead, covering one of his eyes so it was a task just to open them. He attempted to move in the bed he lay in, but everywhere hurt. He didn't know his body could ever ache that much but it did. Somehow, all the pain he had ever felt was built up and coinciding inside his torso, running around like a hurricane.

Eventually he pushed himself up in the bed, rubbing his head and taking the cold compress off it. The pain made him woozy, the whirling darts throwing off his central balance as he sat up. He gripped the bedsides, steadying himself before he opened his eyes fully. He was so hot, his shirt sticking to his back he was that sweaty. The mirror in front of him showed just what damage was done.

He felt stitches in his stomach as he ran his hand under his shirt and bandages on other areas of his back. It hurt to stretch his arms to see his back so he just left it and tried to determine what was what by the spots of pain he could sense. He sighed loudly, standing from the bed and looking for the door. There was a glass and box of pills on the dresser by the door and he headed over quickly.

A note was left next to the pills that read **"do not take again until morning"**. His body was craving the relief even though he'd probably taken pills only over an hour ago. His whole body clock was thrown off, not being able to tell when he last took pills. How, he took pills. He was most likely knocked out. Frank then frowned, thinking his eyes were betraying him but the thick black marker seemed familiar.

He grabbed the door handle harder than intended, propping his weight onto it accidentally, and opened it. The TV got louder and he headed around the corner into the main area of the apartment. She stood at the kitchen sink, washing something - Frank couldn't tell what it was. He could tell she was angry, is all. Angry at what? At Frank? His head was a mess.

"It's you" He croaked, causing her to turn sharply. He suddenly fell dizzy once again and grabbed onto the door frame to steady himself.

"What are you doing up?" She snapped, dropping the gloves onto the counter top before wiping her hands and heading over. Her hands were soft despite washing up water being known for wrinkling fingertips and she took a hold of his arm and led him to the beige couch. "You're not strong enough"

He sat on the couch, leaning back and relaxing a little as the pain simmered slightly. She sat on the small table in front of him, moving glasses and books out the way to make room. She placed the back of her hand on his forehead, and he watched her as she frowned before she took her hand away.

"Your fever is going down a little, which is good" She said quietly, avoiding his eyes.

"How long have I been here?" Frank asked, his voice weaker than he imagined it to be in his head. He probably sounded like a total moron and he had probably fucked up any chance of getting her to go out on a date with him when she had seen him like that. He concluded that he would be single for the rest of his life. She headed back to the kitchen, putting the gloves back on and resuming with the washing up.

"I found you around 10:30, when I got home," she answered, not bothering to turn back toward him. "Who knows how long you'd been lying there. It's almost midnight, I was just about to go to sleep"

His eyes widened quickly, attempting to sit up and battle against the pain clouds attacking his joints. "Shit, I have to get up for work in like 7 hours I need to sleep"

She turned back toward him, a solid frown on her face as she stared at him. "You're not going to work, are you crazy? You can barely move on your own"

He shook his head, standing from the couch and looking around for his jacket. "I'm fine, trust me. I've dealt with much worse stuff and I'm completely fine handling work on my own. Thanks for the bandages and you know, saving my internal organs and everything else but I'll leave and we never have to talk again"

Frank spotted his phone and wallet on the counter and headed toward them. She grabbed his phone before he could and held it over her sink of soapy water. His eyes widened quickly, reaching over the counter weakly to try and grab them from her. She only pulled further away, "Sit down"

He held onto the counter, shoving his wallet into his pocket before sighing at how painful everything was. She was right, he could barely move but he didn't want her to know that. He had well and truly screwed everything up by now and he wondered why she hadn't kicked him out. Why didn't she find his house keys and leave him in his own apartment instead of bringing him inside hers? The anticipation was too much.

"Why did you pick me off the street?" He asked as she picked a plate up and began scrubbing it wildly. Frank stood still until his head stopped spinning a little as well as regathering his sense of balance.

"Because you were half dead in an alleyway outside our building" She replied, "I thought it was the least I could do. It's a natural instinct for me to help people in need. And before you go pulling the "detached "I can do everything myself" brooder" on me, you were completely fucked down there. Someone stabbed you. I'd pay to see you come back from that on your own"

Frank was hesitant to respond as he was thinking through what she said and also realised that shit, he had been stabbed. That must have been the awful sharp pain in his abdomen and the stitches he felt in his stomach in the bedroom. He began to slowly make his way back to the couch and sit down where he was a few minutes ago. "How did you get me up here?"

"What is this, twenty questions?" She snapped, looking over her shoulder at him on the couch. Frank just laughed, but realising it hurt he stopped. The stab wound was starting to kick in and he had no clue what he had been feeling up until now to cover that type of pain.

"Totally" He replied, straining slightly as he moved to a more comfortable position on the couch. She turned sharply at the sudden change in his voice but deflated a little when she realised he was now close to practically laying on the couch. "I have a few things I wanna ask you anyway"

She sighed, "You get 5. Choose wisely"

"Why did you stitch me up last night without telling me why?" He asked, "You made me look like an absolute moron at the bar. I sat alone, talking to a waitress who was old enough to be my Ma"

He couldn't tell whether she smiled or not but he heard a small snort. His heart jumped slightly but he didn't know whether the meds he was on were tricking him. "Something came up. I'm sorry that small notes under your door are the only way I have of communicating with you"

Frank laughed, his cheeks growing hot due to how warm it was in the room. It was so different to his place; always cold and damp but her radiator was on full, the heat spreading through the room creating the best atmosphere. It was nice. Frank was unsure about leaving just then. "Was that a plea at getting my phone number?"

"You just wasted a question" She answered, causing Frank to laugh again before he started coughing accidentally. She turned again, sighing at the discomfort he was in. Frank could tell she was trying hard not to care. He scratched chin as she looked at him, smiling toward her. She clenched her jaw. "If those dogs aren't yours, who do they belong to?"

Frank frowned, sitting forward. "You're asking the questions now? What happened to my questions?"

She just shrugged. "It's only fair, right?"

He nodded, "Okay, sure. I walk them for a disabled guy named Mason who lives across the street. He's in a wheelchair and can't get out so I walk his dogs every day. I have been doing so for about two months now. It's great exercise when I can't be bothered to go out. Also, good for when I can't be bothered to cook and go get Thai food on the way back"

She stopped washing up, turning toward him. She then smiled, a genuine smile and sniffed. Frank's heart pounded, stomach flipping at the sight. He couldn't tell if the pounding was just pain pulsating in his body or whether he was falling again. It was ridiculous. That a smile like hers could make him feel like that. "That's nice"

Frank continued staring at her, almost unable to speak as he tried to figure out his next question. Giving up completely, he went for "Why did you move here?"

She turned back to the basin and Frank figured that was her way of avoiding things. He had to admit it was something he did and had done for years on end. "To get away from people who pulled me down. Who made me feel like I wasn't worth anything. Why did you ask me out? I hit you over the head with a frying pan"

Frank laughed again, her cheeks reddening as she looked toward the ground a little. "Because you are a really beautiful, powerful woman who also scares the shit out of me at the same time. But being around you makes me want to take risks so the thrill of it spurred me on. It made it worth it. Who was in your apartment the other day? Drinking the champagne?"

She stared back at him, her mouth gaping slightly at the comment and her cheeks growing more and more red by the second. Frank's eyes flicked toward the clock; almost midnight. "My sister, Isabella. She offered to let me move in with her but if I couldn't even find my own place how strong and independent would I ever be?"

He nodded, a smile making its way onto his face. His eyes began drooping, the pain in his body threatening to drag him back to sleep. He didn't want to sleep anymore; he wanted to battle the pain and talk to her. Because now he was there, he didn't want to stop without getting to know her just a little. "Nice answer"

"Why did you bring my couch off the street without me even asking for help?" She asked, having given up on the washing up completely. "Nobody would ever do that. Especially not in this neighbourhood. I didn't want to ask for help moving in but at the same time I figured I was going to get robbed or something"

Frank shrugged, "Just thought you could use the extra help. You were moving in alone, it's supposed to be a fun process, no matter how many times you do it. When I moved, my Sister helped me and it was way better than I thought it would be. I was shitting myself to move in alone. But she made it better. She always does. Why did you set the fire the other night?"

She gasped, covering her mouth quickly and looking over toward the trash can. Frank's eyes followed her and saw the scorched metal. She quickly headed over toward it, kicking it under the counter so that it was hidden. It clashed loudly and Frank grimaced a little. She then walked up toward him quickly, angrily. "How do you know that?"

"You were the only one down there who didn't look like you had just rolled out of bed like the rest of us. And if Mark Peretti said the fire came from above him, it had to be you" Frank replied, his analysis proving to have solidified in his head. "Cause it definitely wasn't me."

"Shit," she whispered.

"Your secret's safe with me," He answered, almost immediately.

"I was drunk and found a shirt that belonged to him in my stuff. Something I accidentally picked up. So my first instinct was to burn it" She answered, her tone turned cold and feeble. She seemed a completely different person within a second. "I wasn't going to return it or let it sit in my apartment when I tried to escape it all. So, I burned it"

Frank knew he was pushing it but he asked, "Who's "him"?"

She just shook her head, sighing loudly as she looked at the ground. She covered her mouth instinctively, something Frank figured she did a lot when she was nervous. He just watched her, watched how she coped with being put on the spot and opening up. He knew she acted more calmly and rationally than he would have - his first instinct is to go into full anger mode. Blaming and shouting when the person hadn't even done anything wrong except bring up something he didn't want to talk about. Something that made him uncomfortable. "My husband"

Frank didn't notice it but he was on the edge of his seat so he sunk back into it slowly. The unannounced pain he began to feel that was blocked out by his captivity was now seeping back in and it hurt like hell. "That's why you moved here"

"Are you happy now, you have all your answers?" She snapped, but Frank could tell she didn't mean it. Finally, she turned around and headed back to the basin and stuck her hands back in the now cold water. He was tempted to follow her but decided against it. 

"What are you hiding?" Frank asked, so quietly he didn't even know if she heard him or not.

"You've had your five questions," She said, rather harshly. When he didn't reply, she turned back toward him and looked at him. Grabbing a towel she headed over toward him slowly. Frank just looked up toward her, his eyes growing heavy and the lights in the room seeming brighter than ever. "You should get some rest"

Frank's body was saying yes but his mind was disagreeing. There was so much he didn't know about her that he wanted to but it wouldn't come with ease. He had to work at it. His eyes fluttered open and close and he was just about ready to sleep again. "I just have one more," he asked, sleepily as he got comfortable on the couch. "I take it you looked at my wallet so you know mine. But what's your name?"

The last thing Frank remembered her saying was "My name is Karen. Karen Morrello"


	8. the forsaken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is short, the next one is longer! x

Frank had earned a lot more smiles and interactions with Karen since that night. They'd scheduled a rain check date for the following Saturday and Frank spent every day beforehand nervous about it. Frank hadn't been on an actual date since High School. He hadn't been on a date until he'd met her. It was something that when mixed with him, was destined for failure. Nothing in the dating department ever went right for him.

Another thing Frank swore to never do again; date. Ever since she left he really hadn't felt the same. It was ridiculous, it was years ago. But it was something about the way she made him feel - nobody else had found the spark in him like she did. Until now. There was a small voice in his head that longed for someone to love him because he couldn't do it justice himself. He didn't know anyone that truly loved themselves.

He headed into work on the Wednesday of that week, taking two days leave to recover. He'd contacted Commissioner LePaul about what happened and had instantly been admitted leave. The two days went painfully (the irony) slow, been as he'd had nothing to do at all other than watch whatever box set he had on TV. Karen bought soup to his apartment on both nights and he offered for her to stay and eat it with him. Her excuse was the same each time; I didn't make enough for two.

"Hey! Castle's alive!"

Frank couldn't help but smile as his squad greeted him by the entrance to the precinct. So many of them hugged him and each time they squeezed his body it send pain waves throughout. He wasn't entirely off the hook yet but it was nothing he couldn't handle. He'd never really been close to them and figured some of them pretty much resented him for being so strict and living by the rules all the time - even if it did save their asses countless times - but the love they showed for him in that moment struck down to his core.

The one person he really was glad to see, oddly, was Scott. He dismissed the others back to their work but made Scott stick around and fill him in on what he missed. 

"Should I take this as a promotion, Sarge?" Scott kidded, gleefully.

"Start talking, Sardarov or fuck off back to your desk" Frank snapped, feeling the roots of a headache begin spreading throughout his head as Scott spoke.

Scott widened his eyes, clearing his throat as the two of them turned the corner toward the locker room. "So, while you were gone we filled ourselves in with what you said over the phone happened and the statement from your girl on how she found you-"

Frank stopped midway down the corridor, yanking on Scott's arm harshly. A little harsher than intended, but he couldn't back down when the slightest strike of fear appeared in Scott's eyes. "Let's make it clear now, she is not my girl. She's my neighbour who helped me whilst I was on leave"

Scott frowned at Frank, pulling his arm away quickly. He then narrowed his eyes, looking toward Frank harder as he focused on the corridor ahead of them, purposely ignoring Scott and the daggers he was sending him without knowing. "The one who hit you over the head with a frying pan?" 

"We do not talk about that, Scott" Frank snapped.

Scott was silent for a second before he cleared his throat again. He shoved his hands in his pockets, beginning to feel a little awkward next to Frank's cold exterior. Frank would tell him that it had nothing to do with him and that it was his head beginning to drive him crazy but that would give Scott a victory he didn't deserve from Frank yet. "Anyway, we looked through people who might wanna hurt you or people you were beefing with in the past"

"You checked record on who I sent down who've been let out right?" Frank asked, the two of them heading into the locker room.

Scott nodded instantly, "Of course. There's no-one really outstanding cause everyone you've sent down has been for a pretty long time and they have no way of getting to you. Most of them haven't been let out or have parole hearings coming up, but none of them could have really targeted you from behind a cell wall"

"Unless they use someone on the outside to get to me. Someone who visits" Frank replied, opening his locker and placing his bag inside. "Check the visiting books for the last few weeks and pull up any red flags for recent or previous arrests or any involvement with crime. No-one who's never hurt a guy before would want to start unless they had a reason"

"On it, boss" Scott answered before heading away quickly.

Frank went to shut his locker after changing boots and putting a jumper on with great difficulty due to stitches and general pain in his body but he stopped. He looked at the pictures he had in his locker; a picture of Layla and Jamie with himself as the three of them pulled odd faces and then another picture of him with Gabriela. Most of the others in his squad had way more pictures; pictures with their kids, nieces and nephews and some even grand kids. They had more memories and more fun that Frank was jealous of. He didn't know how to have fun anymore.

As he shut his locker, the pain in his side appeared slightly and he remembered the note Karen had left on the soup container the night before; **if you cannot move because of how painful it is, you get your ass back home, okay?**

He smiled.

\--

**Recipients: You, Gabby**

**You:** _Got any date advice?_

 **Gabby:** _Francis Castiglione, are you going on a date? After fifteen years of being single?_

 **You:** _Nope, sorry to get your hopes up. Buddy was asking at work but I don’t really know why I asked a married mom of two for date advice._

 **Gabby:** _Don’t lie to me, Frank. Who with? Anyone I know? What’s her name? Or his, no judgement here._

 **Gabby:** _Frank!!!!!!!! Don’t ignore me!!!!!!!_

 **You:** _She just moved into my building. Her name is Karen (the irony hasn’t escaped me). And she is so beautiful but also scary like a rose in a tumbleweed. I do not know what to do._

 **Gabby:** _Not somewhere cliché. Definitely not dinner or a bar and I know those are your top picks. Somewhere different, Frank. Something she’ll remember. Xx_

 **Gabby:** _Don’t mess it up, Ma wants more grand kids!!!!! xxxx love you_

 **You:** _GABRIELA ADELASIA FELISA CASTIGLIONE._


	9. i won't let you fall

"Can I hold your hand, Karen?"

She turned toward Frank in the street, frowning slightly as her hands remained firmly in her pockets. The cold air whipped at their cheeks, Frank having left his jacket open being a mistake. His hope died slightly. Her hair blew wildly in the wind and she kept her eyes trained on the ground.

"Bit eager aren't you? Little early on in a date for hand holding" Karen replied briskly. 

Frank laughed, the gap between them enclosing slightly. Karen looked back at the pavement when her cheeks flooded red a little. Luckily, it wasn't all too light. "I'm just warning you for when you go to fall and I grab your hand to stop you. I don't want you overreacting and hitting me over the head again"

Karen sighed, "Are you going to bring that up at every possible moment? Firstly, it was a perfectly normal overreaction because I had no idea who you were. Secondly, why am I going to be falling? Was that a cheap excuse for a pick up line?"

The two of them turned the corner and the bright luminous lights hit them. Karen squinted slightly and Frank could tell she hadn't been around town much since she moved. He looked up at the lively street in front of them, feeling out of place but also right at home. You could never be out of place in a city so full. Frank turned back toward Karen, a smile on his face. "Because,"

She sped up slightly when he crossed the road ahead of her, before looking at the building behind him. "Because what?"

He stopped outside of "Lola's Ice Rink".

\--

"I can't believe you're making me do this" Karen said, shoving her foot into one of the skates. She sighed, looking down at her quite obviously shaking hands. She rubbed them on her knees, feeling the cold air from the ice rink nipping at her skin. "I can't _believe_ you're making me _do this_ , Frank"

Frank just smiled at the floor as he laced his skates up, before standing and watching Karen struggle to get her left foot into the boot. She couldn't knock her pride so she continued struggling alone and Frank crossed his arms. He had rolled his sleeves to pull his boots on but had gradually gotten colder as he cooled down.

"Need help?" He asked, knowing full well what the answer would be.

She shook her head, pulling an odd face as she struggled some more but sighed as she began lacing up. Karen pushed herself off the bench, wobbling as she stood up too quickly. Frank grabbed her by the elbows, steadying her and noticing the fear on her face as she locked eyes with him. "You good?"

She pulled away after a second. "Yeah. I'm fine. I'm good"

"Ready?" he asked, holding his hand out for her to take. He had forgotten his gloves and by the looks of things, so had she. Her hand graced his as she held on, gripping tighter than he expected. Her hands were so smooth, Frank's so rough and generously dirty. He did not hold on tight, figuring he would stain how pure she was with his jagged edges. She was so perfectly shaped with no edges untucked - Frank was a mess.

She nodded, trying to smile. "Yeah"

Frank stepped onto the ice before her, people stepping around her to get on ahead. Karen watched them anxiously as they either skated off freely or fell over onto the ice. Frank was a skilled skater, gaining his balance easily and shoving his hands in his pocket. Why was she not surprised? Why else would he pick this place?

He held his hand out toward her, the other one still in his pocket. Karen felt mocked at his skill, how controlled and calm he looked. She frowned, glaring at him almost, and Frank just laughed whilst beckoning her forward. She eyed his hand before gulping. "Come on"

She looked down beneath her, the grooves made by people's skates knocking her confidence and letting the idea of balance slip further and further out of her mind. More people pushed past her to get onto the ice, skating off confidently, holding hands with others. "I don't know, Frank. The ice looks pretty cold. And hard"

Frank looked down too, his feet wobbling slightly as the blades on his skates were beginning to move. The cool air around him was tickling at his arms and he pulled his sleeves down, rubbing his bare hands together.  "Two components that do make up ice, yes. You'll be fine. I'll be here to catch you if you fall. Which you won't"

Karen gripped onto the side intensely as she stepped one foot onto the ice. She stayed half on half off until she definitely knew she had her balance in check. Her heart was pounding, her conscience telling her to take deep breaths. In for three, out for three. She didn't think it would be this nerve wracking and looking this stupid in front of Frank when he was so calm was humiliating. Once she did, she stepped onto the ice, clinging to the side fully.

"Hey, you did it" Frank said, appearing next to her. She turned to look at him quickly, her eyes wide with fear. Frank was smiling, almost laughing and it felt even more humiliating. She could feel her cheeks turning red, not just because of the cold but because of embarrassment. Karen wasn't used to embarrassment.

"You can hold my hand now" she said quickly, almost begging. She managed to take one hand off the side of the rink and hold it out toward him. It shook a lot and Frank didn't realise she was that terrified. He frowned, looking between her hand and her face. A cloud appeared in front of her when she took a shaky breath to speak again. "Frank"

Taking her hand quickly, he nodded. "Of course"

She gulped, knowing she was a little safer holding onto Frank's hand. Frank was shocked at the tightness of her grip, instinctively gripping back just as tightly. It was odd to him. He watched as Karen tried to move forward a little and he moved with her at as slow a pace as she felt comfortable. It wasn't how he pictured it going but somehow it was better. It was better than small notes posted under apartment doors. Way better.

People began queuing up against the edge of the rink and it got to the stage where Karen couldn't move anymore unless she went around. Frank had already headed on over to a clear spot against the edge of the rink on instinct, completely forgetting Karen wouldn't just follow.

"Frank!" she called, "Don't you dare leave me here!"

He turned around quickly on the ice, spotting her behind some people making their way round slower than she was. Frank began to grow increasingly cold and just wanted to do a few laps to warm up. "You have to go around them, it's the only way forward, Karen"

"Are you crazy?" she shouted, her brows knitted together and her mouth gaped. Frank laughed, shoving his hands in his pockets as he looked toward her. She was wobbling whilst holding onto the barrier at the side, more people beginning to approach her and try to edge their way around.

"Maybe" Frank replied as Karen sighed angrily, beginning to turn around and head back the way she came. Frank frowned, beginning to skate forward a little to try and catch up with her but stopping himself as somebody almost crashed straight into him. He shuffled the small darting boy aside as he whizzed off. "Don't you dare turn around!"

Karen looked over her shoulder at Frank and he held his arms out toward her. He beckoned her forward a little, his brows raised as he looked toward her. "Push off the ledge straight toward me, I've got you"

"No!" Karen called, shaking her head frantically as she looked around at the space around her whilst gripping tighter and tighter to the rink barrier. "I can't do that!"

"Yes you can," Frank called back, beckoning her forward once again. He laughed, "I won't let you fall, Karen, you know I won't"

Karen hesitated, frowning a little at him. "You promise?"

Frank nodded, his lips curling into a small smile. "Of course"

Without further hesitation, Karen pushed off the wall. Her arms flailed everywhere as she glided across the ice at a faster pace than expected. A mangled scream escaped her throat and she felt as though she was flying through the air for much longer than she actually was. Before she knew it, she was encased in Frank's arms.

He wrapped himself around her, the initial impact of her hitting him sending him backward slightly but not to the ground. The warmth between them bought them closer together and Karen's shaking breaths were sending chills down the back of Frank's neck causing him to spiral a little. She gripped tighter onto him, Frank regaining his balance and standing still.

Karen was breathless as she pushed hair out of her face to look at Frank. His arms were wrapped tightly around her waist, their faces were inches away. "You're crazy, Frank, you're cra-"

She cut herself off with a laugh of disbelief. Frank just smiled at the smile appearing on her face. His arms were still tightly wrapped around her and she gripped onto him so she wouldn't fall. She couldn't fall - she was safe inside his arms.

\--

"I haven't done this in a long time," Karen said, taking a french fry from the disposable bag they came in and putting it in her mouth. She rubbed the tips of her fingers together to remove any excess grease or salt. Frank bit into a burger fast, for some reason avoiding her eye sight as they began eating.

"So you have been skating before?" He asked, cocking his eyebrow as he looked up toward her. He paused eating his burger, the relish dripping out of the bottom onto his fingers and the casing it came in beforehand. "Then why were you so terrified?"

Karen shook her head, swallowing the fry before sipping from the water she ordered. She gave herself a few seconds to clear her mouth before speaking again. Frank noted that she was considerably well mannered and almost never looked unclean or messy in any sorts. "Eaten fast food"

Frank frowned, eyes widening a little. "Seriously?"

"I came from the suburbs to the city, there was one fast food place where I lived" She replied, "I went there once with my Sister, never went again. It was pretty dire if I'm honest with you. I don't understand the hype over them"

Frank suppressed a smile, "Let me guess - McDonalds?" 

Karen shook her head, laughing slightly as she looked toward the table in front of them. Frank could see her cheeks turning red and he watched her method of recovering. "Correct"

"Well," Frank replied, "There's a second time for everything"

She smiled at Frank before grabbing a napkin from the tray and leaning across the table and wiping the side of his mouth. He hesitated, grabbing her had once she finished wiping. Karen pulled away quickly, placing the napkin back on the table before looking toward the ground. "Sorry. Force of habit"

Frank shook his head, feeling awkward all of a sudden. His hands grew sweaty and he wiped them on his knees before reaching for his burger again. He sent her a reassuring smile, even though he was all of a sudden feeling uneasy. The burger didn't look too good. "It's okay"

"So," Karen said, trying to avert the subject as quick as she could. She shuffled in her seat awkwardly, clearly sensing the tension in the air between them that she had created. The blushing on her face had receded so Frank tried to push the exchange to the back of his mind. It was so intimate and he wasn't used to it. He was only just realising that was a bad thing. "Why didn't you mention you were such a prodigy on the ice?"

Frank cleared his throat, avoiding her eyes and looking at the food in front of him. He eyed the condensation on the edge of his beer glass, forming a pool underneath it and the half eaten burger with distinct bite marks into it. It wasn't helping. "Brings back bad memories"

"Of what?" Karen asked, too quickly. 

"They're bad memories for a reason" Frank replied, curtly. Too curtly. He didn't mean it, it just came out that way. The wrong way. He had wondered since the night began when he was going to screw things up and it had been slowly building up to this one explosive moment. He would probably never see her again after this.

Karen frowned, shaking her head almost absurdly. As if it was the most ridiculous thing she could have ever asked and _ohmygod please end this, or me, right now_. "Course. Sorry I asked"

Frank watched her: the way she adjusted herself when she felt awkward and how her face screwed up into a ball and she avoided his eyes. Similar to what he probably would have done. Her face was too majestic to be scrunched up so often. Frank figured she did it too much. He'd have to change that. He smiled. "I was only joking"

She looked up quickly, a long sigh escaping as Frank laughed. She put her head in her palm as he took a bunch of french fries and put them in his mouth. Karen looked back up, sipping at the water in front of her before following Frank's outburst and shoving fries in her mouth. He almost choked laughing on his own. "I'm sorry I am awful at dates. Haven't been on one in, two, three years?"

After swallowing his fries, Frank just laughed. "Try fifteen"


	10. five tequila shots and a beer

Frank hadn't had a good sleep in so long. 

Days afterward, he was still thinking about the ice rink. He didn't think it would have that much of an impact on him, but it did. It was so odd. He thought it would be like every single other date he's been on but- she let go of herself so much, it was like he was on a date with a different person. Her exterior and interior were just so contrasting that he found it balanced perfectly. He admired it.

He turned up at work earlier than usual and found Scott sleeping in the locker room. Frank watched him for a second, noticing the was wearing a black hawks jersey and a beanie. It wasn't normal for Scott and for some reason made him look homeless there and then. He then dumped his bag down next to Scott, loud enough to wake him. Purely because Frank didn't believe in a soft awakening.

Scott jumped quickly, banging his head against the lockers and yelling loudly. "Jesus!" 

"Don't use Christ's name like that, Scott" Frank said, suppressing the smirk into the back of his locker as he placed his bag inside and began changing. "You'll catch herpes or something off that floor. Don't you have a bed to go home to?"

"What time is it?" Scott grumbled quietly, rubbing his head before standing and sitting on the bench behind Frank. As he pulled his shirt over his head, Frank smoothed over the stitches Karen had used to fix him up. He didn't even feel a knife go in, let alone the bleeding or pain in where he was stabbed. Now he had a permanent reminder. It wasn't the first time.

"7:45" Frank replied, "In the evening"

Scott frowned, "Don't fuck me over"

Frank just laughed, placing a new shirt over his head and pulling it down to his waistline. He then turned to Scott with a smile on his face. Scott frowned, rolling his eyes as he leaned back against the lockers, pulling his knees toward his chest. "Of course it's morning"

"Why are you doing that with your face?" Scott asked, pointing toward Frank. 

"What?" Frank replied, a small frown appearing on his face for the slightest of seconds.

"Smiling. You never smile at me. You probably wouldn't smile at me if you'd just won the lottery or if your own damn child had just been born" Scott replied, folding his arms. Realising it was an awkward position, he let his legs stretch outward on the bench so he could fold his arms properly. It just about pushed Frank's bag off the end of the bench, causing him to groan at Scott.

"Why were you sleeping in the locker room?" Frank asked, the smile gone off his face. He had to keep it at bay, it was only one date. It could mean nothing. She might not even want to go on another. Sure, Frank would be disappointed but he had to respect her. He kept his eyes on Scott, noting the fact he had turned incredibly awkward and fidgety at Frank's question. 

"My lady kicked me out for the night," Scott replied, looking away from Frank and down toward his hands. He started twiddling his thumbs and Frank knew that was his mechanism of avoiding things. He did it in interrogation. Almost always. "It's a long story that you probably don't care about"

Frank nodded, grabbing his boots and picking his bag up from the floor where Scott had kicked it off. "You're right!"

Frank began to walk off, Scott still sitting down on the bench in his pathetic outfit. Who supports the black hawks? He then turned back around, heading back over and sitting next to Scott on the bench. He dumped his boots down loudly, his bag landing next to them as he clasped his hands together. 

"What happened?" Frank asked, looking at Scott stare at the floor.

Scott shrugged, Frank noticing that his whole body had sagged. Getting a closer look at him, his eyes were dark and bowl-like which was slightly worrying to him. Frank frowned, eyes widening a little. "She's cheating on me, Frank"

Frank's frown deepened, "Why? Wait, you know? Did she tell you?"

Scott shook his head, his hands moving vividly in front of him as he looked at Frank. "She didn't need to! I saw the asshole go inside after I left. He's the fucking mail man, Frank! You know you're a shit cop when your wife cheats on you with a fucking mail man! I've officially sunk to the lowest of the low" 

Frank was a bit shell shocked; he didn't really know what to say to that. He wasn't a motivational speaker and he didn't know how to comfort people he didn't deeply feel for. But he had to say something. Scott looked like an absolute fucking idiot sitting there in his jersey almost crying.

"I'm sorry, Scott" Frank said, not sure what to say next. His own mechanism kicked in, rubbing his knuckles and looking away from Scott. He was ashamed of it, really. Gabriela cracked it when he was 17 and he couldn't crack her mechanisms back. "I really am"

Scott just shrugged, sniffing slightly and Frank froze at the thought of him beginning to cry. He seriously wouldn't know what to do then. "It's okay. I'm just a dumb ass. It's all fine. Let's go kick some criminal ass so I can take my mind off it"

Frank nodded, his panic beginning to soften. "Sounds good to me cause it's kinda compulsory" 

Scott managed a laugh and Frank didn't think he'd ever made him truly laugh. He only ever laughed at Frank's failures, not at a joke. Frank's smile was back and he could feel Karen clinging to him for dear life as they floated on the ice. Her laugh was in his ears, how beautiful it sounded when it wasn't forced. Nothing was forced and she was so free. 

"What were you so smiley about, anyway? You never answered my question" Scott replied, shoving the black hawks jersey in his locker opposite Frank's and replacing it with a black v neck. "We've worked together for how long now? And I've never seen you like that"

Frank shook his head, his insides tightening as he could feel the embarrassment pouring out quickly. He couldn't exactly avoid the question. He scratched the back of his head, grimacing before he sighed. "This is basically rubbing it in your face after what you just told me, but, I went on a date"

Frank then exited the locker room as fast as he could as Scott exploded and ran after him shouting, "You're telling me everything over drinks tonight, Castle" at the top of his voice throughout the precinct. Everyone looked at him. Scott was somehow fascinated by Frank's personal life most likely because he didn't think he had one.

 

\--

A bunch of the others on his squad joined Frank and Scott in the bar that evening and Frank was somehow nervous in case Scott bought up his date. He didn't want to tell them about it because he figured it would tarnish how special it was in his head. Frank had managed to throw them off track throughout the day by bringing up everyone else's lives - no matter how boring. Just so he didn't have to talk about himself.

Luckily, they broke off into smaller groups in the bar and Frank ended up at the bar on his own again. Scott got absolutely wasted, probably to ignore the fact his wife was cheating on him and Frank admitted to himself that he'd probably do the same if it was ever the case. He figured nobody else knew why Scott was wasted, and they didn't dare ask whilst he was in this state.

"Hey, stranger"

Frank turned, the glass in his hand slipping and hitting the bar with a clash. Karen stood at his side, a nervous smile on her face. He beamed instantly, going to stand up but then realising he didn't need to so he sat down from a mid-air stance. "Hi"

Not saying anything, she sat next to him and Frank could see a group of women across the bar watching her. He glanced at them for a second before back at his glass before looking at Karen. She shuffled in her seat nervously, getting extra comfortable before even looking at Frank. He smiled once she did.

"I'm sorry to spring on you unannounced," She said, clasping her hands together on the bar in front of them. Realising the bar was wet, most likely from condensation, she pulled them away quickly whilst pulling a face. She looked back at Frank as she wiped them on her sleeves. "But my friends dared me to ask out anyone here and I saw you and-"

"Karen, it's okay" Frank replied, laughing slightly. He scratched at his chin, finding himself looking toward the floor awkwardly. He didn't have time to see if Scott or whoever else was looking cause he was a complete mess. "I understand"

"Don't laugh at me Frank" she whispered, looking over her shoulder before shuffling in closer toward him. "I am embarrassed"

Frank frowned slightly as her cheeks turned a light shade of red before she scratched her nose and cleared her throat. "I'm sorry, that came out entirely wrong I didn't mean to say I'm embarrassed by-"

"Don't sweat it," Frank said after she waved her hands wildly in front of him whilst trying to explain her point - most of it jumbled and slow. "Honestly it's okay"

Karen sighed slightly, her shoulders relaxing a little as Frank looked at her. She was so uptight and different to how she was the other night and it was because she had an audience watching her. Frank was the same either way. "While I have the chance I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed the other night, you know our-"

"Date. You can say it, it's not contagious" Frank replied, picking his glass up and drinking the rest of his beer. He squinted a little, the sting in the back of his throat catching him a little off guard. "You don't catch "commitment" or "married with kids" when you say it"

"Sorry," Karen stumbled again, rubbing her head. She placed her hands back on the bar leaning her head against them before grimacing at the condensation appearing on her hands again. Frank smirked, trying not to laugh as things clearly weren't going her way. "I seriously need about 5 tequila shots I'm a mess"

Frank laughed, "It's Wednesday"

Karen frowned, "You're drinking beer? Don't test me, Frank"

Frank watched her the whole time she ordered a drink, a smile permanently on his face. She turned to him as the waiter walked away and began making her drink. Karen only frowned, looking over her shoulder before back at Frank's lopsided face. "What?"

"If you don't go on another date with me I really don't know what I'll do with myself" He replied, placing his cheek on his fist as he leaned on the bar. He felt kind of woozy from the beer, his cheeks growing hot with the alcohol dosage. Something he still hadn't gotten rid of.

Karen smiled briefly. "Sure thing. But I'm organising this time"

Frank hadn't agreed to something quicker.


	11. knitted vulnerability

Frank was running late as it was, as well as practically running around his apartment trying to find an outfit that didn't look ridiculous. It was almost snowing outside so he needed something warm but he couldn't find anything anywhere. He usually looked in the same three drawers everyday and every year he was faced with this same problem.

He was already late to walk the dogs as it was and Mason would get paranoid about the dark as to what happened last time. Karen was the same and she had said that he had to go earlier so it would be lighter and that he had to take a different route. Frank told them both he would, but he most definitely wouldn't.

Frank hopped around his apartment in trousers as he tried to pull them on and buckle them together as he grabbed a shirt out of a drawer and shoved it on over a vest. He rooted through the rest of his drawers for a hat, finally finding a woolly one at the bottom with an awful bobble on the top. He sighed, remembering Gabriela had given it to him because he didn't have one. It was situations like this that drove her to make one for him.

As he shoved his boots on there was a knock at his door. He groaned loudly, not meaning to express his frustrations out on the person behind the door but it was his own fault because he was late. He grabbed his keys and his phone before going to the door, shoving his phone in the back pocket of his trousers. He shoved his keys in the door, the key rings jangling loudly as he angrily opened the door.

"Perks of having walls thinner than your hair; I hear when you leave your apartment"

Karen.

"I told you to go earlier, Frank," she said, folding her arms as she stepped back and Frank locked his door. He could already feel the cold on his skin just from stepping out of his not-even-that-warm apartment and he began to dread the walk he had ahead of him.

"I'm sorry, I showered late and couldn't find a hat so I ended up with this one that my sister made for me" Frank replied, not noting the fact she followed him down the stairs. The hat was red with white polka dots on and had been untouched since Gabriela gave it to him. It was embarrassing, to be honest.

Karen laughed at the bobble on his head and Frank couldn't stay angry anymore. He smiled a little and was thankful she was there to straighten him out. His hand subconsciously flew to his head to pull the hat further on. "Understandable"

"Why are you following me anyway?" Frank asked, running down the second set of stairs and looking over his shoulder briefly. He then realised she was dressed in winter clothes even bulkier than his and he frowned.

She paused for a little and Frank almost considered stopping to see if anything was wrong. The worry that would be plastered all over Mason's face urged him to go faster. "Well considering you didn't go earlier and it's dark and cold outside, I'm coming with you"

Frank turned to her when they reached the bottom of the stairs on level two. She had turned almost shy, looking toward her boots whilst she wriggled her toes inside them. Frank pulled the bobble hat off his head and placed it in his pocket, suddenly feeling humiliated. "Seriously?"

"I can't have you being jumped again, I'm running low on medical supplies. Plus I panicked and had no idea of what we could do for a second date so I figured this would suffice" She replied, almost sheepishly. Frank just smiled, his heart squeezing slightly. "Is that okay?"

"It's great. Really. I actually get lonely on these walks so your company is greatly appreciated" He replied, heading back down the stairs as she followed. He smiled to himself as he could feel her behind him, his heart suddenly pumping faster than it should. Nerves.

The two headed down the last flight of stairs before heading out the building into the cold. Karen's hair flew everywhere and she squinted slightly, trying to tame it with her gloveless hands. Frank pulled the hat out of his pocket, smoothening it out and placing it on her head.

Frank smoothed it down on her head and Karen placed her hands on his as she pulled it down securely. She looked up toward Frank, the wind causing them both to squint at one another. "You don't need it?"

Frank pulled his hands away slowly, shoving them into his pockets. "It looks way better on you anyway"

\--

Frank figured he was chilled to his core. Cold enough to last 3 winters from now, he was that damn cold. Mason had little dog clothes and hats for Mickey and Scuttle and Karen had a lot of fun dressing the two of them. Frank just watched from the sidelines, not really knowing what he would have done if he had to dress them himself. The two dogs huddled close to each other as the walked slower than usual, a contrast to Frank and Karen who walked a further distance than usual.

"Cold?" Frank asked.

Her teeth chattered in her response: "Freezing"

Frank laughed, the cold air causing his voice to wobble as his whole body was visibly shaking. He was close to hypothermia, but that was a definite over reaction. He eyed the hat on Karen's head and could practically hear Gabriela's voice saying I told you so, Frank, I told you that you'd be cold!

"Regret coming with me now?" Frank asked, changing the hand he held the leashes with so he could stick the cold one in his pocket to warm it. It was nice to get the warmth on the one hand, but it was slowly draining from the other one when it was exposed to the cold air. I told you so, Frank, I told you that you'd be cold!

Karen hesitated before she shook her head, the small bobble on top of Frank's hat wobbling with it. It was an amusing sight and Frank knew why Karen laughed at him in the first place. "No. I like spending time with you"

Frank looked across at her once again as she looked out onto the street ahead of her. She sniffed, her nose probably running because of the cold. It happened to Frank too, multiple times when he walked the dogs in winter. "Something tells me that's not a strong spot for you"

Karen nodded, her body language changing and becoming more closed in and awkward. Frank figured it was uncomfortable for her and probably a touchy subject. "Ding ding ding. I'm not a people person"

Frank laughed before he even got the words out, scratching his chin before shoving his hand back in his pocket. "Yeah those with good people skills don't go around hitting their neighbours with kitchen utensils before they've even spoken to them"

"Oh shut up! I knew you'd bring that up!" Karen replied, only causing Frank to laugh even harder as she thumped his arm forcefully. He stumbled a little from the impact, cracking a huge grin at her fake scowl.

"Ow," he claimed, still laughing as the two of them turned a corner that the dogs lead them to. They were jumping together down the street, yapping away at the light snow falling and Frank glimpsed at them briefly with glee.

"Like that hurt" Karen replied, shoving her hands deeper into her pockets to gain as much warmth as possible. Frank's eyes were on the road ahead but he could feel her eyes on him. "I bet you've had worse injuries than that, you know, being a cop and all. Are your stories as crazy as the bullshit ones I hear on those cop dramas?"

Frank almost bought up the frying pan again but he figured that joke had come to the end of its run. "You guessed right. The worst call I was ever on was when an undercover went south and I ended up as a punching bag for an angry Mexican cartel owner. He beat the living shit out of me before my squad decides to save my ass"

"Really?" Karen asked, her eyes widened a little. "Sounds intense. Probably why you haven't been on a date in fifteen years, huh?"

Frank shamefully nodded, "Yep. I never really found someone worth more than two dates. They were all the same. Most of them just wanted to date Sergeant Castle, not Frank Castle the man who loves his sister and niece and nephew"

"And the others?" Karen asked, eyes on him constantly.

Frank frowned, not bothering to look at her. "Others?"

"You said "most"" she said, "Meaning there were others who weren't like that. Others that...mattered? Maybe? I don't know. But there's an obvious distinction, right?"

Frank shrugged, looking toward the ground indefinitely as his chest began tightening and his breathing irregular. "I don't know. They weren't like that but they weren't my type? I don't know, it's stupid"

"No it's not, tell me" She replied, stopping him in the street, letting the dogs come to a halt and begin to gather at their feet for warmth. Her hand was firm on his arm and even through the padded jacket he was wearing, he could definitely feel the grip. Her eyes locked on his and he let out a cloud of breath in the air in front of them. It shook.

Frank looked down at her, a small frown on his face as to whether he should say anything. It may ruin any chance he had so far with her. "I dated someone in High School and she broke my heart and I haven't dated anyone since. Nobody is like her, they don't have the same effect on me like she did. So no dates I've been on have ever progressed into relationships. There, happy? You got me all vulnerable-d up"

Frank then continued walking, a harsh pain growing in his chest as he almost yanked the dogs along with him. They whimpered, most likely because of the cold but also at Frank's strong grip on the leash. They soon caught up, running ahead of Frank and beginning to huddle together again. He was even colder without Karen by his side after he left her standing on the sidewalk. 

When she caught up, she slipped her arm through his and gripped on tightly. Frank looked down out the corner of his eye at her and she leaned her head on his shoulder, obviously trying to gather warmth. Even though he was angry, the warmth from her body paralysed all monstrous feelings and replaced them with calm.

"It's not stupid, Frank," Karen said, her voice vibrating through his arm as she spoke. "If she was that special to you, then it's understandable. In no way, is it stupid. If you want stupid, you should hear my story. Not to blow my own sad horn, but it demolishes yours"

"I'm waiting" Frank said, his voice still stiff and monotonous when all he wanted to do was hug her and zap all the warmth she had. He wanted to hold her and stay with her until it snowed so the moment would become beautiful. Snow seemed to make everything beautiful and Frank for some reason enjoyed seeing the tiny white snowflakes in his beard for the short few seconds they lived.

"Another time," Karen replied, loosening herself from him and beginning to distance herself once again. Before she got too far, Frank grabbed her hand and pulled her close again. At first she tensed up, but eventually they walked hand in hand down the street with two dogs at their feet. Like a nuclear couple in a nuclear American city with their nuclear jobs and lives. But it never was that.

Frank felt an odd sense of familiarity. He wondered what Karen was hiding. He also wondered if there were secrets of his own that needed unravelling by someone other than himself.


	12. big break in hockey history

"Uh, your favourite movie?"

Frank snorted slightly, grinning to himself as he stirred the hot chocolate in front of him, the froth and cream melting together and swirling into a brown whirlpool. "Easy. _Life is Beautiful_ , 1997, Roberto Benigni. I was so mesmerised at the fact he directed and starred in it. My fourteen year old brain just couldn't comprehend it, for some reason"

Karen sipped at her milkshake, frowning slightly either from brain freeze or the fact Frank had said that specific movie. He'd hoped it was a unique choice, hoping Karen hadn't seen it just so he had an excuse not just to watch it again, but to watch it with her. "I have never heard of that"

"You're losing out big time" He replied, watching her scrape the cream and extra strawberry filling from the bottom of her glass. The steam from his hot chocolate kept warming his face, his chin growing slightly warm. "Not that you'd understand it"

"Was that an insult to my intelligence?" Karen asked, sitting up quickly, the straw falling from her mouth. The warm beverage spilled over the edge of the cup as Frank jolted it in his hands due to the shock, burning his fingers a little.

"It's in a different language, Karen" He replied, laughing at the way she cocked her brow and only accused Frank of insulting her at just about every moment. Shit must have been really bad for her if she was that jumpy. Something else suspicious about her that Frank was yet to figure out. "You know I'd never insult your intelligence when I'm intimidated by it"

She smiled self-consciously before going back to what was left of her milkshake. Frank sipped from his hot chocolate, realising that it was still hot before giving up for a while and stuffing a marshmallow in his mouth. Karen covered her mouth, looking down for a second before looking back toward Frank. "Why thank you"

Frank kept his eyes on her as she continued scraping the cream from his shake off the bottom of the glass as it was now empty. Frank felt his hot chocolate cooling when he placed his hands around the glass. "What's yours?"

Karen paused, narrowing her eyes slightly. Frank watched as she began looking around the cafe pulling ridiculous faces. He could only laugh lowly, a smile spreading across his face. "Not sure. I love old movies, that's definite. Maybe _The Wizard of Oz_ because I love classics. And singing. And Julie Andrews, come on, she's amazing"

Frank nodded, admiring her sudden outburst about the movie. Clearly it was her favourite and the "not sure" was a lie. "Sounds lovely. Where can I get this movie?"

"You've never seen it?" Karen asked, her jaw almost dropping as she slammed her hands on the table in front. Frank's hot chocolate jumped in fright.

"Hence why I want to buy it. So I can watch it. With you" Frank replied, sipping down the last of his hot chocolate before wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

"Are you sure? All I'll do is quote every line and sing every song" Karen replied, clasping her hands together on the table. Frank shoved the plate with his glass on aside and fished his wallet out of his pocket and placed it on the table. His phone was laying next to it, battery practically dead.

"I'm 100% sure" He replied, shuffling around in his seat awkwardly. "Now I have to go visit my Ma but this was, really nice. Maybe next time we'll actually get to order pancakes, or waffles or whatever floats your boat"

Karen nodded, diving into her bag and producing a purse. It was red, smelling of leather and Frank wondered where she got it. More over, how it had stayed in such good condition compared to Frank's beaten black wallet that was white at the edges due to being so worn out. "Yeah, totally. Sounds great"

"Hey, I'm paying" Frank said, pulling out a ten dollar bill from his wallet before shoving it back in his pocket, along with his phone causing his back pocket to bulge. He felt his jacket begin to slip off his chair so he grabbed it and placed it on his lap. "Put your money away"

She held her purse awkwardly before smiling at Frank gratefully as the two of them stood up. Frank pulled his jacket on quickly before shoving his hands in his pockets. He balled his fists in his pockets with nerves, wondering why he felt like this after their date. Whether it even was a date. "Thank you"

"No need" Frank said, smiling back. They both stood opposite each other almost awkwardly, and then Karen walked toward him a little to hug him. She stood on her tip toes, Frank's abnormal height having been a problem since High School. He tried not to hug her too tightly, her small frame was too delicate. She wrapped her arms around him, gripping onto the top of his shoulders before they pulled out.

"Have a good time at your mom's" Karen said, buttoning her coat before grabbing her bag from the chair. She zipped it up tightly, hooking it over her arm before she pulled her hair from beneath her coat and shoving her hands in her pockets.

Frank smiled, "She would love you"

\--

"Francis! How lovely of you to stop in, oh I miss you"

Frank embraced his mother, hugging her small frame to his own and leaning down to kiss her forehead. He grimaced a little at the use of his name, figuring after so many years of going by Frank, she would have learnt. At the same time, he liked it. It reminded him of a home that used to have a place for him. "I saw you a couple of weeks ago, Ma. At Gabby's remember?"

"Yes, yes but we never have a proper catch up and chat together, do we?" She said, shutting the door as Frank stepped inside the house. He shuddered at the sudden warmth, feeling grateful as his thin jacket did nothing for him on the journey to her house. Plus, the heat in his car was constantly broken. "Coffee?"

"No thanks, Ma, I just had a hot chocolate" He replied, pulling his jacket off and placing it on one of the hooks. He noticed another one there, next to his Mothers and he frowned a little. A huge brown trench coat, one Frank had buried his face into way too many times mid-hug. He placed his hand on it for a brief second, noticing it was cold. Of course it would be - Frank was stupid to think otherwise.

"Why is Dad's coat on the rack?" Frank asked, following his Mother down the hallway into the kitchen.

"It is?" she asked, halfheartedly. She didn't even bother to turn around, only continue toward the kitchen to make her coffee. Frank rolled his eyes, knowing that she played this strategy every single time someone bought their father up. "Oh. I didn't realise"

"Ma," Frank said sternly, folding his arms as he stood against the counter whilst she filled the kettle with water and began to boil it. She still had her back to him and Frank knew it was because of the tone he had taken to. She hated it. She hated being pulled from a delusion. "Put it away"

"Don't tell me what to do, Francis. Gabriela tells me the same thing but I can do what I like with it. All my friends who visit, they still have their husbands. I don't know what that's like Frankie. I miss him. You should miss him"

Frank frowned, eyes narrowing with confusion as he looked at her. She was so frail and dainty in the daylight. "I do, Ma, every day, Jesus. Don't make this about me not missing him because I do. You know that"

She was silent as she poured the water into a mug for herself before placing a spoon in and stirring it. Frank ached really quite suddenly, shutting his eyes as he faced away from his mother and out the window onto the overgrown yard. He pushed it aside, pushed the lump in his throat down and swiftly changed topic. "I was wondering if I could go up into the attic today," Frank said, "There's something I want to look for"

"What are you looking for?" She asked, turning back to face him with the mug in her shaking hands as she took a sip. She turned and placed it back on the counter unsteadily, splats of the liquid hitting the white surface leaving a brown stain. Frank knew it too well.

"You remember that box I kept in High School? With photos and tickets and stuff inside" Frank asked, "It was a blue box, about this big," he gestured with his hands. "Said _FC_ in glittery letters cause Gabby took it one time and decided to decorate it. Stickers of bears and fairies all over it. You didn't throw it out, did you?"

She paused for a second, pondering Frank's description before grabbing her coffee again and taking another small but solid sip. More splats on the counter. It agitated Frank more than it should. "Your father might have thrown it out, I'm not sure. You can still check. Why, what are you looking for?"

"Just a photo. I remembered something and wanted to see if I still had it. Just a photo of me and a buddy from school who I saw the other day in the gym" Frank answered, "I think it was from a party, I don't remember. I'll know when I see it"

His Mother nodded slowly, "Alright. I'll help you look for it, shall we?"

The two headed upstairs and Frank had a job hauling the ladders down from the attic. Once he did, he dusted them off and climbed them slowly. To begin with, his Mother held the steps whilst Frank climbed them but they shook even more with her weak grip. Frank assured her he would be better on his own.

"Be careful," she said, standing well away from the ladders in case stuff fell from the attic. The steps creaked as he climbed higher, dust getting caught in his throat causing him to cough and then to sneeze multiple times. He wondered if it was just kick starting allergies he had never had a problem with his whole life. The only main allergies problem was with Chrysanthemums. And that was just plain embarrassing.

Frank stood with a small bend once he reached the top, his height being another problem. He ducked low mostly, searching through boxes labelled _90s+_. Realising it was absolutely killing his back, he sat on the floor of the attic, looking wearily around as vivid memories of his father standing near certain parts claiming they would fall in if you stepped on them. Laughing quietly to himself, Frank now knew it was a lie.

He found the frayed old box eventually, the lid so worn it didn't fit properly anymore. The box was bulging anyway so it wouldn't close even with ease. Frank knelt in front of the bigger box, holding the faded box in his hand. He almost didn't want to open it, the layer of dust on top being so neat and untouched until then. The sneeze he could feel building changed his mind.

The picture was on the top when he opened it and Frank brushed it off with his fingers. It was exactly the same as he pictured it. Her red-ish hair flowing down way past her shoulders as she used one hand to clutch onto his neck and the other to hold his ice hockey stick in the air above them. He wore an oversized jersey with a baseball cap of a team he didn't even support. Both hands kept her legs around his torso as she lay on his back. Both grinning. On the bottom read the message he wrote the day it was taken:

_F and K at Millie's after Big Break in Hockey History. **03/18/01**_


	13. confessions

Frank had gotten used to doing nothing on a Friday night. Most people from work went out, Scott usually with his wife but recent events had thrown a spanner in the works for them. He always asked Frank if he wanted to tag along but he always declined. He didn't know why he shot Scott down, he just did.

He hadn't seen Karen in a few days, every text he had sent had been shot down or every time he knocked on the door she never seemed to be in. Frank worried but she assured him most days. That just because she was M.I.A almost, she was okay.

Frank stared at the photo he took from his Mother's attic. It was creased a lot, the writing had almost turned white due to the ageing. But the image was still there and the day was still clear in Frank's head. Frank was surrounded by so many people back then, people who loved him and supported him. He never walked alone, he always had someone back then. Now it's rare when he's not alone.

Frank's phoned buzzed and a text from Scott appeared. He'd hoped it was Karen but clearly not. 

**Recipients: You, Scott Sardarov**

**Scott Sardarov:** _Offer is still open if you’re bored, Castle. I’m at_ Warp’s _drinking alone whilst Elise fucks Mr Mailman._

Frank rolled his eyes, only halfheartedly because he did feel bad for Scott. Just not enough to sit with him for hours whilst he whines on about it. Frank could only take so much self loathing coming from other people because he loathed himself so much. It was pretty much a constant thing so he didn't want to add Scott's to it too.

His thoughts were interrupted by a glass smashing in the distance. His head shot up immediately, looking toward his door as though to wish it away so he could see through to 5A. His pulse raised slightly, the panic setting in a little. He began to hear voices, obviously not having listened hard enough before as they were pretty loud.

Frank stood, heading toward the door and pressing his ear against it. They became clearer and heavy footsteps made their way across the apartment. Something else was thrown, maybe a bag or a shoe, in the direction of the door before it opened and slammed, the footsteps heading away down the stairs angrily.

He gave it 38 seconds in total, that being how long it takes him to escape the building in anger, before he opened his door. Her door was open, having must have swung back due to the force instead of shutting. She stood in the doorway staring at him, one arm across her stomach and the other leaning against it supporting her chin in her hand. 

"Who was that?" Frank asked, walking out into the hallway. Karen didn't move, her stance solid as she shut her eyes and began to calm herself down. Her sigh was evidently wobbly and Frank's heartbeat quickened.

"Nobody" She replied quickly.

"That was him, wasn't it?" Frank asked, stepping closer.

"Don't, Frank" she snapped, shaking her head. "Don't"

"Does he keep coming here?" Frank asked, "Is that why you blew me off on our first date? He was here, wasn't he?"

"Stop it, Frank" Karen snapped, heading toward the door. She started to close it but Frank lurched forward and stuck his foot in the gap. It hurt like a bitch but he wasn't going to let her get away without saying something.

"Let me help you, Karen" He said, placing his hand on the door to stop her from closing it anymore. Her eyes switched briefly from his face to his hand, his grip on the door, before back at his face. "I can help you, I can get rid of him"

Karen stared at him through the small gap in the door, her eyes welling up. Frank instantly ached, pushing on the door harder as she caved in and let go of it. He headed toward her and she almost fell into his embrace but instead she walked off. Frank shut the door as she headed into the kitchen. 

She reached into cupboards below her, rooting around for multiple seconds before pulling out two bottles of clear liquid. She shut the cupboards with her foot as she walked over to him with the bottles in his hand. "Will you get drunk with me?"

Frank sighed, eyes flickering between the bottles before back at her. "If that's what you really want"

\--

"Tell me something you've never told anyone else, ever, ever, ever"

Frank had drunk two small glasses whereas Karen had a good seven or eight. He figured she needed it and she needed someone to navigate her when she'd had enough so Frank stayed sober. "You want me to tell you a secret?"

"That's kind of what I mean by ever, ever, ever, Frank, _God_ " She replied, frowning as she poured another drink. The liquid splashed over the edges leaving small splats on her table. Frank had the weird urge to clean them up. He kept his eyes on her.

"Okay," he replied, "But afterwards you've got to answer some questions for me, deal?" 

"Are you trying to interrogate me? You're such a cop. A stereotypical cop" She replied, wildly jabbing her finger at him and causing her drink to slosh over the edges of the glass. Frank didn't mind. "Always trying to get answers out of people when they don't want to talk about it"

"It's my job, Karen" he replied, taking her hand away from his face and bringing it back down toward the couch so that if her drink did spill it wouldn't go far. There was hardly any more liquid in the glass anyway, most of it was on the couch. "Don't you think you've had enough? It's getting late"

"Don't tell me what to do" She snapped, placing her glass on the table before leaning back on the sofa. Frank watched her shut her eyes for a second before she sprang back up and began talking again. Her face was pale but Frank figured it was partially to the fact the moonlight from the fire escape was the only thing lighting the room. "I really fucking hate Carson" 

Frank frowned, of course he has an ugly white name like Carson. He suddenly felt like he knew a lot more about him than he did five minutes ago. A spoilt, rich boy from a rich family who teach their kids no morals and manners. Frank was almost glad for his mother's scalding when he was younger. "He's your husband?"

"Ex," she answered, "Obviously, obviously. I mean, I moved here to get away from him and he finds me. How did he find me? Did he tag my car or something? Does he watch me? Cause that's fucked up" 

Frank's frown deepened, realising that some of what Karen was saying could be true. He could have followed her and he could watch her. He could have seen Frank leave his apartment and waited til when he returned so that he could jump him in the alley. "What do you mean, you moved to get away from him? He followed you here? Karen I can put him away for that you never have to-"

"Shhhh," Karen leaned toward him, placing a finger on his lip before laying her head on his chest. Frank was pushed back onto the sofa as she lay against him, her pounding heart thumping on Frank's chest wildly. Too much alcohol circulating. "No talking"

Frank lay there, feeling the pounding of his own heart increase at how comfortably they fell into the position. Karen seemed so relaxed, probably the alcohol contributing to that, she would probably never be this comfortable this early on. He pushed her upward and her hand left his mouth as she went backward. "Alright, come on time for bed"

He sat up once she was sitting up on her own and relaxed for a second before he began to stood up. Karen grabbed at his hand, pulling him back to the sofa in which he landed with a small thump next to her. She shuffled closer to him, placing a hand on his face before turning it toward her and kissing him. 

Each time Frank had wanted to kiss Karen he had figured it inappropriate or the timing was wrong. He definitely knew not to overstep his boundaries so he wanted to wait til the moment felt 100% right. 

She kissed him, forcing them closer together and Frank instantly took hold of her in his arms as he ran his hands through her hair or steadied her body from drunkenly falling on him. He never had time to process anything. But Frank kissing her felt better than it ever had. He didn't know why he had waited 15 years. His hands on her face, he felt a scar behind her left ear. It hit him quite abruptly, feeling the scar and he almost pulled away.

The familiarity approached him again, swelling up his heart as Karen placed one leg over his lap and sat neatly on him. He wanted it to last forever, cliché enough, and it filled his heart so tight that he was laying back against the couch whilst she pressed herself against him. He felt almost glued to the spot.

He stopped her, more abruptly then he had intended, pushing her off him. She was still perched on his legs, Frank looking up at her, his hands coming to rest on the top of her waist. "No, come on"

"Why?" she asked, her hands still on either side of his face as she tried to kiss him again. Frank took her hands from his face and held them in his own. She looked down at them disappointedly, before looking back up at Frank. "Don't you want to?"

Frank hesitated, almost scoffing. "Of course I do, just. Not like this" He said, clearing his throat. The sadness on her face that had suddenly hit indicated to Frank that she seriously needed to sleep. He felt like enclosing her in his arms and falling asleep right there and then but it wasn't exactly the most comfortable. "You're drunk and hung up. You need to go to sleep" 

"No, come on Frank just kiss me" she said, leaning closer toward him as he dodged her. She took her hands from his, placing them on his face as she inched down and touched their foreheads. "Please, just please kiss me"

"Karen," He whispered, continually looking down as she finally stopped trying. She pressed her face against his, his mouth next to her ear. "You'll regret this tomorrow, I know you will"

Karen suddenly sat back up and Frank smoothed his hands down the side of her body as she stared down at him. The shadows cast on her face made her somehow ever more beautiful. And familiar. He reached up to stroke her face, smoothing along her jawline as she placed her hand on top of his. Karen stepped off him and he stood up quickly, taking her by the arm and leading her toward her room. 

"Will you lay with me?" She asked, her voice growing sleepy. "I am so tired"

"Of course" He replied, without hesitation. 

She didn't bother undressing and Frank pulled the duvet back for her to climb in. Once she pulled it back over, she bunched it tightly around her chin. Frank sat up next to her on the bed, an odd sensation rising in his chest. He couldn't label it.

"Frank?" Karen whispered.

"Karen," he whispered back.

She yawned, "You never told me your secret"

Frank hesitated a little, thinking about the picture on his table back in his apartment. How good everything was back then and how good everything could be once again. He felt like he was on the road back there once again. **03/18/01**.

"I fell in love with a girl when I was 18 and then she broke my heart and left for college. I never saw her again" he whispered, turning to look at her. He thought about the scar behind her ear. Her milkshake order. Her body rose and fell at a steady pace and he knew she was asleep. "And I think that same girl is you"


	14. calissa marriott

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: alcohol and domestic abuse mentions

His phone buzzed in his pocket, causing him to jolt rather harshly. Realising where he was after a few seconds, he turned and checked to see if he woke Karen. She lay facing him, her mouth parted slightly and tiny snores escaping. Frank realised he had being laying in an awkward position, on top of the duvet and that he ached a little.

The phone kept buzzing and he rummaged around in his jean pocket looking for it. He snoozed the alarm set for 6:15 AM, placing his phone on his lap before leaning back against the bed and shutting his eyes. He covered his face with his hands, rubbing his eyes before running his hands through his hair.

Now that he knew he was in a strange place, he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. It was just a thing he'd had since he was young and he couldn't get rid of it. Karen was so peaceful next to him and Frank's mind had already switched onto work and how he had to be there in two hours.

Being careful not to wake Karen, he pushed himself off the bed and exited the room. He looked around the still apartment, noticing the stain on the beige couch from a drink Karen had the night before. He knew she'd probably be angry at herself so Frank noted to try and clean it up. He also spotted a book case in the corner of the room and headed over.

The first thing he noticed was that all the books were of a reasonable size, none of them would be thinner than 400 pages at the least. He figured that's where her articulate tongue came from, all her reading. Frank ran his fingers across the books, feeling the different covers and how worn they were or not.

Frank had never had an interest in reading, High School being the place he had to read most and where he had done it least. He picked the smoothest one along the first shelf and pulled it out. _Audrey Niffenegger_. He frowned at the name, turning to the back and beginning to read the summary.

"I didn't know you read"

Frank jumped, almost dropping the book as he turned around. Karen stood in the doorway to her bedroom, gripping onto the frame to steady herself. She was still fully clothed and it was an odd sight to Frank, even though he himself was fully clothed too. He also had stayed the entire night at Karen's.

"I don't" Frank replied, shoving his hands into his back pockets as he turned to look at her properly. She hesitated on the spot, almost wondering whether to approach him. Frank was the same and he felt almost childish for it. They were both adults. He dismissed his thoughts, going back to the topic of the books. "Have you read all of these?"

Karen walked over to him whilst rubbing her head as Frank put the book back on the shelf, pressing it in with ease and satisfaction that it fit neatly back onto the shelf. They both stood side by side looking at the case and her body only radiated warmth toward Frank's cold torso. Even though he slept fully clothed, a duvet would have been nice. However, he didn't want to step over the boundaries. "I have"

"Impressive," He replied, looking at all the books once again. His eyes flickered toward her as she eyed them, scanning the shelves which she had so clearly spent hours organising, and he smiled at the way she admired her collection. "Which one is your favourite?"

Karen hesitated, reaching down to the third shelf and pointing to a book slap bang in the middle of the row. The thinnest one on the shelf. She pulled it from its place, smoothing over the cover before handing it to Frank. Their fingers touched, her skin just as delicate and smooth as the book's surface and Frank took it from her hesitantly just to feel her warmth for a little longer.

" _On Death and Dying_ " Frank read aloud, looking down at the cover and the odd illustration. He smiled a little at the fact this book was Karen's favourite. Out of all the other books on the whole of her shelf. "Sounds delightful"

Karen nodded, shoving her hand behind her back as she manoeuvred around awkwardly on the current spot. Frank placed the book back into its place on the shelf until it slotted perfectly. "It is"

Frank's eyes shifted from the shelf to look at Karen. Her hair was shoved to one side and he could see the scar behind her ear. He definitely wasn't dreaming it, it was there. He crossed his arms as he looked at her tired eyes scanning the floor of her apartment. She then looked up toward him.

"Why did you leave?" She asked, pulling his arms apart from across his chest and lacing them around her body. He felt her warmth hit as she pressed herself against him and he tightened his arms around her, holding her closely. He could hear her heart against his chest, pounding just as loud as his own.

"My alarm went off," Frank said, resting his chin on her head. Her head was tilted a little, fitting neatly into Frank's collarbones. Everything fit so well and everything was just so- good. He hated to break the moment. "I have to go to work"

"Seriously?" Karen asked, sighing. Frank could feel her whole body sag a little in his embrace and he shut his eyes. He pressed his mouth to her head and she moved a little to wrap her arms around him further. They reached over his shoulders and she was almost on her tiptoes. "Can't you skip that? Can't you get back into bed with me and we can just lay there and not move all day?"

Frank laughed, lifting his head from hers and smoothing over her hair as she buried herself further into his neck. Her slow breaths sent bumps down his neck as spoke. "It sounds like such a good plan but I really need to go to work, Karen. It looks bad if I skip out when the rest of the squad can't. The city needs me"

Karen hesitated, not bothering to look up toward him. His heart pounded. "I need you"

Frank felt an abnormal thump in his chest and he stayed silent. Everything seemed to have sped up all of a sudden after how slowly the process began. Half of his mind was opposed to the idea but the other half was there, holding Karen in his arms and wouldn't have it any other way. It was right where it was meant to be. "I'll be back as soon as my shift is over, I promise"

"Thank you" She replied, running her hands over his shoulders slowly which sent more bumps down his body. He was a little cold. "For last night. For dealing with everything I said, which admittedly I can't remember half of it. And for stopping me from kissing you whilst I was drunk. Cause, it's something I want to remember"

Frank placed his hand on the back of her head in an attempt to pull her closer and she wrapped her arms around him tighter. He traced the scar by her ear and hoped she wouldn't notice. It was the one thing he learned about her that previous night that intrigued him the most. "You really don't remember anything?"

Karen shook her head, "Sadly. Did I miss anything?"

Only a confession that I think you're my girlfriend from senior year.

"No" Frank answered curtly. He figured she had guessed something was wrong due to his snappy response so he tried to further it with something else. "We just talked about anything. Anything and everything. To take your mind off things, Carson related things"

She finally pulled away from him, looking back up toward him. Frank felt cold and empty where she was lay, her arms slowly sliding from under his own as she distanced. He caught them right at the end, holding onto her hands for a split second before she let go. "Right"

"I was going to start making coffee but I didn't know how long you'd be out" Frank said, shoving his hands into his pockets. His phone was there, reminding him of work. Karen began moving around her apartment and Frank was left standing there almost unsure of what to do or say.

"I'll make some. What time do you have to leave? Cause I can make breakfast too" She offered, heading into the kitchen. Frank followed her, the boots he still wore from the night before causing loud echoes as he paced the apartment after her. It sounded and felt wrong.

"Or we could go down to the pancake place on the corner of fourth st. for breakfast?" Frank asked, "I'm always going there and the guy who serves me the blueberry pancakes always gives me extra. My treat?"

Karen turned around, a small smile on her face as she looked toward him from the kitchen. In her hands were two mugs and she put them down before walking back toward where Frank was stood. She kept her distance and Frank was okay with that. "That sounds wonderful"

\--

Frank made it to work by 8:39 and nobody complained that he was late. Purely because there wasn't many people there on a Saturday. It was one of his better days at work, the quiet in the precinct letting his mind work properly and the extensive hours he had throughout the day allowing him to get allocated work done and work missed from during the week.

He skipped the locker room even though he figured there would be a spare change of clothes in there that he could change into after having slept in the outfit he was currently wearing and headed straight for his office, dumping his bag down beside it as he sat down in his chair. It was cold and the office was eerily quiet since the last time he was in there.

Frank saw the picture in the frame on his desk, eyeing it before putting it face down as he booted up his laptop. It was a picture of himself, Gabriela, Marco and their father. Frank was 18, Gabriela 16, Marco 15. They were all smiles. Rare for a family full of pain. He figured that was the last time he smiled with genuine happiness up until recently.

Once the laptop started up, Frank pulled up the police files and ran a search on the name Carson Morello. He figured he could strategise better and start to form a profile if he had a little background information. His office door opened before the page loaded and Scott headed inside. It clicked shut and Frank sighed. "Hey boss"

"Go home Scott, it's Saturday" He snapped, avoiding Scott's eyes and keeping them trained on the small rotating loading sign in the middle of the screen. It was so slow and he figured he would have to make conversation with Scott whilst it loaded.

"What are you doing?" Scott asked, heading around Frank's desk to join him before leaning over his shoulder. Frank sighed angrily and shoved his hand in Scott's face to push him away but Scott continued looking after forcing Frank's hands away from him. "Who the hell is Carson Morello?"

Frank sighed, leaning back in his chair and scooting backward so Scott would take a few steps backward. He did exactly as Frank figured and he could relax a little knowing Scott wasn't practically perched on his shoulder anymore. "I don't have a case built yet but- he could be a possible suspect for my mugging"

"Wait, what? How? When did you find this out?" Scott asked, heading back around the desk and sitting in the chair opposite Frank's desk. He instantly leaned forward, his chin in his palms ready to listen like an eager kindergarten child. Frank would laugh but that would only humour Scott which at the moment was a no-no.

"Cool it with the questions, Scott" Frank snapped, rubbing his eyes wildly as they began to water. "I sort of began theorising about it last night but it is really, really early days. And don't get telling anyone I'm doing this on the side of everything else"

"Why?" Scott asked, somehow leaning in further intrigued even further. Frank had never worked with an officer excited by everything and who happened to also be the must gullible person on the entire Earth. He didn't understand how someone like Scott got put in someone like his command.

"One, I don't have substantial evidence against him, nor have I ever met him. Two, I need to do a background check and everything else before you go blabbing to the commissioner. For all I know he could be a completely normal guy and I could be blowing things way out of proportion. But I still have to check"

"You got it Sarge," Scott answered, nodding his head affirmatively. "I won't tell anyone"

"Why are you here Scott? You don't work on Saturdays" Frank asked, still waiting for the page to load as he impatiently tapped his hands on his desk. He had never known it to take this long and he figured it was a way to get back at Frank for being a dick to Scott. He probably deserved it.

"Better than being at home," Scott replied, sinking down in the chair. He began twidling his thumbs and going quiet for a few seconds, clearly thinking about something that hit home. rank watched him with a frown on his face before he perked up again quickly. "Where did you find this Morello guy anyway?"

"So I told you I went on a date the other week, right?" Frank said, lowering his voice. Scott nodded his confirmation, leaning forward once again. "Her ex, he's showed up to her apartment multiple times when she told me herself she doesn't want to see him and that she moved to get away from him. There's clear destruction there and definitely something between them that's driven her away. Not just the whole "falling out of love" thing"

Scott nodded, "So you think he's a psycho, is that it? You're being the over protective boyfriend right?"

"She is not my girlfriend, Scott" Frank snapped, shaking his head as "over protective boyfriend" sent him into a little bit of a fluster. "I just can't help but wonder" He went back to the laptop, refreshing the page multiple times before looking back at Scott. "I don't have to justify myself to you, anyway. I don't make you justify all the questionable shit you do, do I?"

Scott surrendered himself as Frank's focus was back on the computer. His files had loaded and Frank got a look at the picture and information. He was just as he pictured; a typical white male with a questionable haircut and suburban attire. He skim-read the offences, looking for anything out of place.

"Here," Frank said, pointing at the screen and looking over the top of the laptop toward Scott. He beckoned him over quickly. "I told you"

Scott jumped out of the chair heading around the desk back toward Frank eagerly. He looked over his shoulder at the screen, squinting as Frank turned a little to see Scott's reaction and to have hopefully have proven him wrong.

"First wife Calissa Marriott reported him for alcohol abuse and domestic violence toward her and a child. Charges were dropped when his lawyer got hold of things" Frank said, not fully turned toward Scott. His anger was bubbling and Scott could tell as he stepped away from Frank. He clenched his fists on his desk, trying to avert his anger away from Scott.

"You don't think he did it again, do you? To your girl?" Frank stared back at the screen, his fist curling in and out. He never replied and Scott spoke up again. "Surely he'd be laying low if the cops were onto him. He wouldn't try it again?"

He just shrugged, shaking his head. "Some people are so twisted that they just don't care"

Frank wondered how long Karen had suffered this before she spoke out and got shut down.

He closed the laptop violently.


	15. only if you'd like to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: depictions of violence, domestic and drug abuse

It was almost 9:30 when Frank headed to his locker that evening after shift. The whole squad was still around as none of them liked to leave before Frank did in case he "busted their asses". Frankly, he found it annoying. Most of them just did nothing and lingered in the locker room and he almost felt watched.

Scott always walked out with him, no matter what hour it was.

"How's things at home?" Frank asked, opening his locker as Scott changed his shoes on the bench. He swapped his huge combat boots for tiny white sneakers. Scott had abnormally small feel for a male and Frank was only just noticing. He almost laughed, thinking about how big his were and how two of Scott's put together would probably only be one of Frank's.

He shrugged, quite clearly avoiding Frank's eyes as he focused on his laces for longer than usual. Longer than necessary. He then just shook his head, looking toward him. "Don't know, haven't been there in a week"

Frank turned quickly, eyes widened and brows knitted as he looked down toward him sat on the bench. "Seriously?"

Scott sighed in return, nodding and switching to the other foot to remove his boots. The comparison was laughable. "Seriously"

"Well where have you been staying?" Frank asked, having paused whatever he was doing just to listen to what Scott had to say. He leaned against his locked, using the bottom of it to rest his elbow upon. It was only then when he realised that it absolutely stunk.

"Mason's" Scott replied, almost shamefully.

Frank scoffed, crossing his arms. "He let you back in?"

"He's a big believer in family forgiveness" Scott replied, shoving his boots into a duffel bag. "My parents still hate me though, not that I care. They definitely got their own way after they warned me not to marry Elise. I'm sure Mason will go running to tell them all about my failed, fucked up marriage. He's always been the favourite child"

"What are you gonna do about Jesse?" Frank asked, raising his eyebrows a little. He instantly saw Scott's body language change; obviously a touchy subject that he had probably overthought. Something that wasn't so easy for him as he made it out to be. Frank tried to imagine himself with a child and for a split second it was nice; then it was weird.

Frank had seen how good of a parent Scott was; his locker was crammed full of pictures and tickets to different games that he and Jesse had gone to together. He was always cutting off early to pick him up from school and Frank just allowed it. Scott shrugged, "He prefers living with Elise, I'm guessing. She'd win a custody battle anyway. When does the father of the child ever win the custody battle, huh?"

"You've still got to try, Scott. You can't let your son slip through the cracks of a broken marriage. Once you lose something, you don't go back from it. I know from experience" Frank replied. He suddenly ached for a violent few seconds, everything flooding back to him in a spit of anger. Scott was staring at him and he realised had hesitated so he continued. "I lost something and I basically haven't been the same since. Yeah, you move on and you do new things, meet new people and experience new things. But its never the same. I let this person slip through the cracks too quickly and it changed me. Changed the way I see other people. I know you, Scott and if you lost him you'd be so angry at yourself for giving up. You never know how long you've got left to fix it once it's broken. You've got to fight for him"

Scott nodded, agreeing but not feeling enthusiastic about it. Frank kept his eyes trained on him, waiting for some sort of verbal confirmation that he would do something about it. But Frank knew he had to work at it more. It didn't get through to him the first time, either. "Mason tells me you walk Mickey and Scuttle every day"

Frank adjusted himself to the new subject quickly and he nodded. Scott stood from the bench and they both exited the locker room, the two of them heading down the stairs. Frank only just noticed the significant change in the smell of the air as they switched to the corridor of the precinct. "Yep. Good cardio"

Scott laughed, side glancing Frank who kept his eyes ahead. "Hardly cardio"

Frank shook his head a little. "You know what I mean"

Scott hesitated, obviously twiddling his thumbs as they hung low and out of sight when his voice turned serious and quite nervous. Frank wasn't used to it and he needed to fathom it out, quickly. "Thanks for doing that. Seriously"

Frank shrugged, "Don't need thanks. What can I say? I love dogs"

"Hey, Castle, someone asking after you at the desk?" A member of another squad that Frank didn't really like passed him, speaking on the way. He had people higher up that let him get away with basically anything and Frank always had to clean up his mess. "Don't know why anyone would ask for you, of all people"

"Hey, yeah, fuck off, Alderson" Scott shouted down the corridor, causing Frank to smile a little at the ground. Scott started talking, more ranting, about Lace Alderson and his shenanigans but Frank wasn't listening anymore. Once the two of them did approach the desk, Frank stumbled back at the blonde sitting in the waiting area opposite the desk. Karen.

She stood as she saw Frank, waving a little as he went through security. He smiled instantly, heading over toward her as she shoved her hands in her pockets awkwardly. Frank hauled his now fallen bag back over his shoulder awkwardly, her mere presence sending him into a messy fluster.

"Hey, Frank" she said, looking toward the floor a little, letting her hair fall in front of her face. He wanted to move it, hug her or whatever his heart tightening was wanting him to do but he didn't know how comfortable she would be with it. He couldn't risk it, not in front of Scott, anyway.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, hauling his bag further over his shoulder as he looked at her. "Not that I'm not happy to see you- I just, uh, did that make sense?"

"I wanted to walk you home and I didn't really know how public you like things or whether me turning up at your precinct is too much of a PDA or if this is too weird for you but I realise now that this was a bad decision," She said, her face turning red as she looked back up at Frank, tucking the loose strands of hair behind her ears.

"Well, Frank, who have we got here?" Scott approached him, placing his arm around Frank. He refrained from shrugging it away but instead lightly removed it and stepped away from him slightly. All signs of Scott's nerves or anger had disappeared and the normal Scott was back, and Frank was actually glad.

"Karen, this is Officer Sardarov, my second in command and most trust worthy member of my squad. Scott, this is my girlfriend Karen" Frank replied, stepping backward a little so the two of them stood in front of one another.

Frank shocked himself with both of those statements, as well as Karen's reaction to "girlfriend" and Scott's choking on air at the fact Frank trusted him and would give him such a high status. He wasn't quite sure why but he wanted to give Scott a reputation in front of Karen. He wanted Karen to have that same privilege in front of Scott. Frank's life was an endless spiral of trying to please everyone but himself.

"Nice to meet you, Officer Sardo...?" Karen trailed off, embarrassed but Scott happily picked her up. He had a small but certain grin on his face and his posture had instantly perked up when she spoke to him. Frank only ever saw him like that in front of Commissioner LePaul.

"Sardarov. Scott Sardarov. It's Armenian and Georgian. Thank my parents. Lovely to meet you, Karen. How do you put up with Frank and his constant brooding?" Scott replied as the two of them shook hands briefly. She looked a little stunned by his firm shake and Frank smiled, looking away from the two of them as he could feel himself begin to laugh.

"Easily. I take it he's a completely different guy at work, huh?" Karen asked, looking toward Frank with a small smirk. He just shrugged in response, folding his arms and feeling a little targeted. He almost began to regret introducing them because now they could team up together and bully him.

Scott also looked at him, a huge smirk on his face. "You bet he is. See you tomorrow Frank"

Frank faked a laugh back, nodding sarcastically toward him. "Bye, Scott"

He slapped Frank on the shoulder twice before heading off laughing. Karen looked over her shoulder, her eyes following him out as Frank took a moment to regain his cool. She then turned back toward him. "Girlfriend?" she asked, almost sheepishly.

Frank was more embarrassed. "Only if you'd like to?"

Karen hesitated for way too long and Frank was beginning to regret things so far back it lead to his existence. She finally nodded, taking him by the hand. "I'd like that very much"

\--

Frank held Karen's hand all the way back to their building and half way through the journey he realised that once they got to their separate apartments, that he'd have to let go. Even the small distance between their apartments felt like forever away and Frank had sort of wanted to lay next to her again. Just for the warmth in his chest.

"You know I was having a real bad day today," Frank muttered, not realising that he had indeed said it aloud. "Like, everything was going bad and then Scott dumped a lot of his heavy shit on me too, so I was kind of a little fucked off"

"You wanna talk about it?" Karen asked, looking toward him as he kept his eyes forward on the snowy pathways in front of them. His feet crunched with every step he took compared to Karen's light footed walk.

Frank shook his head, "I was only gonna say that you turning up at the precinct made it a whole lot better. So I'm good now. And I never thought I'd feel that way around Scott and the others"

She smiled and Frank looked toward her as she directed it toward the ground. He gripped her hand harder. As the two entered their building, Frank pulling out his keys to open the bottom door but Karen looked above them both. She unlaced her hand from his and placed it on top of his keys to quieten them.

Frank looked at her and she placed a finger on her lip and continued to look upwards. He then did the same, every now and then glancing to Karen to try and work out what she was thinking. There was loud banging coming from above them, quite distantly, but still noticeable. "What is that?" Karen asked.

Frank shrugged, shoving his key in the door and allowing the jingling echo through the building. "Probably the frats in 3B. Or Peretti underneath you. He's always making questionable noises. It could literally be anyone below us"

Karen shook her head, walking ahead of Frank once he opened the door and beginning to climb the stairs. Her hands smoothed up along the railings and her boots clicked as she climbed. "I don't think it is"

Frank shoved his keys back in his pocket quickly, following her as fast as he could. He frowned a little, his mind beginning to conjure up the worst thing that could be up there as he realised Karen was running into it unarmed. "Karen, wait"

The banging got louder as Frank ran up the stairs after her and they passed both floors where Frank predicted it coming from. Which only left their floor and obviously signalised trouble. Karen stopped at the top of the stairs once she got there and Frank manoeuvred around her as he got to the top to stand a little in front.

She sighed as she looked at him, pulling her keys from her pocket as she headed for her door. Her hands did begin to shake but she had to try and keep her cool whilst unlocking the door, at least. "I told you to stay away from me"

"Don't be ridiculous, Karen" He said, inches behind her as she unlocked her door, instantly ready to follow her inside. Frank watched him, his arms jittering as he bounced on the balls of his feet. He frowned, analysing his whole body and movement and trying to label it to something.

Karen opened the door and as Carson went to follow her inside, Frank stepped ahead of him. He gripped onto the door frame tightly as Carson tried to manoeuvre his way around him. Frank stuck his chest out a little so that Carson would back off slightly. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Get out of my way," Carson snapped back at him. He then headed back toward the door frame and Frank placed a firm hand on his chest. Firm, but not forceful so he wasn't initiating anything. He didn't want the whole building to hear what was going on and inducing a fight would cause it to end up that way.

"She told you to leave her alone, man" Frank replied, making sure he was civil and calm. He was extra calm compared to the jittering mess Carson was. Now closer, Frank could see his clearly bloodshot eyes and how much he actually was shaking. "Why can't you get that through your head?"

"Who even are you?" Carson shouted at Frank, causing him to flinch a little as he was so close. Frank kept his stance in the doorway but couldn't turn to see where Karen was or what she was now doing. "Who is this guy you've picked up? Huh?"

Frank then heard Karen's heels head back across the apartment flooring and she pushed at Frank to leave. It was an awkward position he was in and it kind of hurt his arms to stay there but he couldn't let Carson near the apartment. Near Karen. "Go home, Frank"

He finally looked over his shoulder, straining his neck in a way he didn't know was possible. "No way, Karen, I won't"

"You heard what she said, buddy" Carson replied, jabbing Frank in the chest. It was weird to feel compared to whatever hit him in the field when he wore a vest. Frank just glared at him angrily as he jabbed harder and quicker. "Go home!"

"Karen do not let him in. Let me help you" Frank said, spurting it quickly, all sense of the calmness gone as Carson began pushing his buttons. He tried to ignore it for Karen's sake because both of them being a complete mess would just end in chaos for her. "I can help you, Karen, you know I can help you if you let me"

"Don't make me call the cops, man!" Carson shouted, leaning further into Frank to move him from the doorway. Frank's anger bubbled up quicker and quicker and this time he didn't want to suppress it. He then launched Carson off him, watching him go flying into Frank's door.

"I am the cops, man!" Frank shouted, pulling his badge from his pocket and shoving it in Carson's face. "And I can arrest your dumb ass not only because you're high out of your fucking mind but because you're harassing someone who clearly does not want to see you. You can go to jail for a domestic offence if you don't quit it buddy"

"You narked on me, Karen?" Carson scoffed, ignoring Frank and looking over his shoulder. Frank relaxed a little, shoving his badge back into his pocket as Carson backed off a little. His face dropped completely as he stared at Karen. He began shaking his head, muttering to himself as he tried to get the words out. "I can't believe you'd do that to me!"

Carson pushed past Frank before he could do anything and he was inside Karen's apartment. "I thought you loved me, Karen. Why would you do this? Why would you call the cops on me? You love me, you need to come home-"

"This is my home!" Karen shouted, jabbing him in the chest. "I don't live with you anymore, I'm not with you anymore, Carson. I don't love you! I don't want you to come here, I don't want to see you, why do you keep coming back? There's nothing here for you!"

Frank stood in the doorway watching the confrontation unfold before him. He eyed Mason's apartment across the street, wondering whether he should call Scott for help. He then wondered if he would be able to get there in time in case something happened.

"Stop lying, Karen. Just come home, baby, and we can sort this all out together and it will be okay again-"

"No!" Karen screamed, pushing him away as he tried to enclose her in his arms. "This is where I'm staying and if you don't leave I'll pay for a god damn restraining order on your ass, Carson. I don't love you anymore, we were not healthy together. You need to move on with your life, away from me. Don't make me call the cops for real"

"You wouldn't dare" Carson snapped, narrowing his eyes as he looked down on Karen. Frank stepped forward a little as Carson approached menacingly. Karen kept her guard up and Frank knew to keep his distance for the moment.

"Try me" Karen replied, folding her arms. She was nervous, anyone could see that, but Carson didn't notice. "If you come back here, I swear I'll call the police. I swear it, Carson. Now get out"

There was a few seconds silence before Carson started talking again. It was too sudden for Frank in the doorway, everything a blur. He grabbed Karen, and the next thing Frank saw was her against the wall with Carson's hand at her throat. He ran into the apartment as quick as he could, yanking Carson off Karen with ease before throwing as many punches at him as he could.

One to his jaw; for all the times someone said his Mother did not belong in America because her Italian accent was strong and out of place and her skin tone was a little different to everyone else's.

One to his nose; for Gabriela getting bullied in senior year because she went through a phase of not talking to anyone because she missed her Father.

One to his right cheek; for Frank's spinal fracture caused by the fall in his last ice hockey match of the season leaving him with a scholarship to Boston being thrown down the drain and the loss of his love for the sport all together.

One to his eye; for the man who gunned down his Father in the middle of the street, an innocent man who loved his children and his wife deeply but never got to tell them that evening.

One to his stomach; for Karen Page who could have easily stayed with him whilst he healed up post-grad but decided to leave for college. Because her feelings toward her education were stronger than her feelings toward him.

Carson was almost unconscious but he threw Frank off of him, standing up from the blood pool he created on Karen's flooring. He stumbled out of the apartment, shutting the door behind him with a slam. The room shook and Frank ached.

Karen cried. She cried so loudly that Frank felt his ear drums rattle and his bones clatter against one another with the electrifying sound. He grabbed her instantly, holding her tightly, close to his chest as he lay against the wall and caught his breath. Blood from his knuckles coated her silk blonde hair, the illusion of perfection tarnished.

Karen gripped him tightly; her arms around his body as they both held onto each other like it depended on them. Frank knew what it was like for your whole world to be shook by a whirlwind. And that itself was a whirlwind in three short minutes.

"It's okay," Frank whispered through her sobs. He kept his head close to hers so that she could hear what he was saying. It was times like these that she needed to hear it the most. "He can't hurt you anymore. I promise you, Karen. He won't hurt you again"

And he wouldn't.


	16. all you had to do was ask

His eyes were heavy as he opened them. His back ached, especially where his scar was and he tried to roll over without making too much noise. Frank was laying on the ugly beige couch. His face was scrunched as he rolled over, trying to listen out at the same time for whereabouts Karen was.

He turned toward the small coffee table next to the couch and in front of him were multiple dried bloody tissues which caused him to look at his hands. The bruises were ripe and the blood had dried and he sighed loudly. He flexed them slowly, grimacing at how much it hurt when he balled his fists. The scabs cracked, more blood slowly beginning to rise to the surface.

Her footsteps crept across the apartment and she appeared in his vision wearing a pair of sweat pants and Frank's jacket. Karen approached him, perching on the edge of the couch where Frank's legs weren't taking up room. She placed a hand on his leg, Frank's jacket sleeves covering her hand but he still felt the warmth ripple through.

"Are you okay?" She asked quietly, running her hand over his leg which sent bumps all up his body. It only made him colder than he already was and he shivered quite visibly. "You wiped out pretty quickly last night"

Frank's throat hurt and he croaked. He lifted his head upward to try and allow himself to speak more audibly but it didn't help much. She frowned at him, still stroking his leg. "Cold"

Karen leaned across him, pulling a blanket from the top of her couch and laying it across him. It was also cold which only added to Frank's discomfort but he knew it would help him eventually. He was grateful. "You can come to bed, you know. Much warmer and comfier"

Frank shook his head, relishing the warmth from the blanket as he pulled it across his bare arms. He scrunched his eyes shut in pain and tried to relax a little as he managed to get a little more comfortable. "I'm sorry"

Karen frowned instantly, placing her hand on Frank's cheek, directing his eyes toward her when he was so clearly avoiding her. "Why are you sorry? You never did anything wrong, Frank, you saved me. I should have listened to you in the first place. You helped me"

He reached up, tracing the unfortunate bruises Carson left on the baseline of Karen's neck, tears prickling in his eyes. She placed her hand on top of his, pulling it down toward her lap and lacing it with hers. "I should have stopped him"

"You did" Karen answered, forcing him to look at her once again. He swallowed his tears down quickly, painfully. She had tears of her own springing upon her. 

"Sooner," Frank said. "I should have stopped him sooner, Karen. That's something I'll never get back; the times that he has hurt you before I even met you. How am I supposed to fix that now?"

"You can't. But that doesn't matter, Frank. What matters is now, and what we do together. How we help each other and care for each other in the present. Everybody has a past, you do and I do. But they were separate. Separate for a reason" Karen answered, placing her hand on his bicep and squeezing a little.

She then looked toward the ground, her hair falling past her face, causing Frank to lean up and tuck it back behind her ears. He sat himself up, ignoring the pain sprouting at the bottom of his spine and the ache in the rest of his body. She shuffled further onto the couch, their hands still linked as Frank tucked more of her hair away. "Why didn't you get help before?"

She shook her head, tears glazing over her eyes creating a lovely reflection from the windows opposite the two of them. "I felt weak. If I got help, I'd be weak. I wanted to sort things on my own. I am my own person and I didn't want his inhumanity to take that away from me"

"You're never weak when asking for help. Someone will always help you without judging you or the situation you're in. Sometimes help is the only way out" Frank answered, watching her the whole time. He definitely knew. Sitting in a hospital bed, not being able to get up without assistance made him feel weaker and dumber than ever. But it made him stronger.

She nodded, swallowing her tears before she looked up at him. "Will you help me?"

Frank nodded instantly, pulling her face closer to his as he continuously nodded. He sighed, a smile spreading across his face. It was small, but it was there, and Karen could see it. "Of course. All you had to do was ask"

Their foreheads touched, Frank holding the back of her head as she ran her hands over his shoulders before gripping onto his arms. He closed his eyes as he pressed his lips to hers, her kiss tasting better sober than drunk, the clarity washing over him like a tidal wave.

Karen pulled him closer toward her, discarding of the blanket she had previously reached for and letting Frank's jacket slip from her arms to the ground. Her skin was warm as Frank smoothed his hands across her arms; his touch was too rough for her delicate frame. He almost felt out of place. As she reached for the bottom of his shirt, he stopped her.

She pulled away from him, a frown on her face as Frank quickly moved his hands away from her. He fumbled a little, looking confused at her gestures. "Are you okay, Frank?"

After a few seconds silence he nodded. He was looking more toward his jacket jumbled on the floor as he nodded, causing Karen to turn and look toward where he was. She then looked back at him and Frank looked up at her. "I'm sorry. I ache too much right now and I have to go to work"

She deflated slightly, her hair recklessly out of place as she brushed her fingers through it, drawing it out of her face. Frank watched her movements and he just felt like laying next to her for an awful long time without moving. Just knowing she was there and feeling the constant warmth she radiated. "Are you sure you should go to work if you ache that much?"

Frank shook his head, "Nothing I can't handle"

She smiled sadly, looking down at her hands as she played with them. Frank noticed the same trait in Scott and frowned at the comparison he seemed to have made in his head. It was the last thing he expected. "I love being with you Frank. I love kissing you and holding you and- smiling. I haven't in a long time"

Frank stared at her from across the couch, the two of them still in close proximity. He stroked the side of her face, her hair falling from behind her ear to cover his hand. "I'll be back before you know it. If Carson calls, you don't let him in. Don't let him in and you call me straight away, promise?"

Karen nodded, less hesitantly than before which was a good sign. She also tried to smile which reassured Frank more than ever. Despite this, her hands flew to her neck where she had probably already analysed the bruises forming. "I will"

Frank smiled, his eyes growing heavy once again as he leaned across to kiss her on the cheek. He knew if he didn't get up soon he'd fall back asleep as he was beginning to warm up on the couch. "Do something to take your mind off it, okay? I get off at 7 today. Dinner?"

She nodded, grabbing his jacket from the floor. Placing it over one arm neatly, she then ruffled her hair once again, bringing it over both shoulders to cover parts of her neck. Frank felt a pang of sadness hit him inside and he just sighed discreetly at the fact Carson was allowed to get away with what he did. You don't go into a museum and vandalise the art. "As long as we stay inside the apartment"

Frank nodded, "Thai food it is then"

Karen smiled, a fake smile, and Frank was all too familiar with them to notice it on the first try. "Sounds great"

She helped him stand from the couch with his jacket, placing it on him as he groaned slightly when manoeuvring his arms into the sleeves. She smoothed it down on his chest before looking up toward him. He pulled her closer toward him as he placed his hands on her waist, linking his hands together on the small of her back. "Scott is across the street if you need him, Mason's place."

"I'll be okay" Karen reassured him. "Promise"

"Good," Frank answered. 

Cause I don't know what I'd do if you slipped from my fingers again.

\--

"Are you Frank Castle?"

Frank looked up quickly, the voice startling him causing him to leave a stray mark on his paperwork and drop the pen all together. He frowned as a woman stood in front of him, a lovely clean business outfit exterior which did not match her strong Brooklyn accent. "Who exactly wants to know?"

"Elise Sardarov" She snapped back, folding her arms. She then headed further into his office toward his desk, sort of towering over Frank as he stared up at her with a frown on his face. "You been talking to my Scottie, huh?"

Frank laughed, leaning back in his chair whilst looking at her. His back ached as he ended up in the new position and he tried not to express how uncomfortable it made him. "He's on my squad, of course I talk to him"

"What has he been saying to you?" She asked, stepping somehow even closer to Frank's desk. He began to stand but then decided against it as his frown deepened. Frank didn't know how he pictured Elise when Scott described her but it definitely wasn't like this.

"How did you even get in my office?" Frank asked, leaning forward and looking out the window of his office toward the other people walking around.

"Was it you that put the idea about custody of Jesse in his head? Firstly, I'm not sure why you did when Jesse is perfectly happy at home where he belongs. Secondly, Scott doesn't even have a place of his own, how is he supposed to bring up a child on his own? Thirdly, our marital problems are none of your concern"

"Firstly," Frank began, his voice turning scarily low. "Do not raise your voice in my office or I'll make you leave. Secondly, it is my business when Scott confides in me and it's affecting his work on my squad. Thirdly, he has told me multiple times that when he tries to visit his son, you don't let him. I don't know why you've turned up at my precinct running your mouth off about this if you claim Jesse is happy at home where he "belongs". You don't have anything to worry about if Scott appeals for a trial. Unless there's something you're hiding?"

"I didn't kick him out, he chose to leave" Elise answered, after a small hesitation. Frank knew what he had said had affected her. She completely avoided his remark about her being worried about Scott's appeal which showed she clearly was hiding something. "

"He left cause he's embarrassed!" Frank snapped, balling his fists on his desk, the paper beneath them scrunching up a little. "He's embarrassed about the fact you'd choose someone else over him when you're supposedly married. But you cannot take Jesse away from him"

"You cannot tell me how to run mine or my child's life, Castle, what makes you think you have a say?" She snapped in response. "Jesse is happy where he is, he is my son and he belongs with his mother in a stable environment not on the couch of Scott's brother's house!"

"It's Sergeant Castle, actually, and I'd appreciate it if you got out my office now. I have tonnes of work to do" Frank replied, shoving his head back into his work and picking up his pen. "And in case you forgot, Scott is his father. Growing up without one around fucking sucks, okay? I know from personal experience so don't you dare try and justify anything to me"

"Hey, Frank I know today is- Elise?"

Frank looked up immediately to see Scott in the doorway to his office wearing only sweats and a shirt with a puppy on. His heart sunk a little as the two of them stared at each other dumbfounded. Scott's face flooded a pale colour and he scratched the back of his head when words failed him.

"Scott-" she said, instantly stuttering. All aspects of her loud mouth confidence had soon disappeared and it shocked Frank a little. He watched the exchange between them, contemplating butting in just to break the awkwardness but Elise left before he could.

Scott stared as she headed down the corridor and around the bend out of sight before heading up to Frank quickly. He looked ridiculous in what he was wearing and in literally any other situation Frank would have laughed but instead he just frowned sadly at him. "What did she say to you?"

"She said she wasn't happy that I told you not to let her take Jesse from you. She just doesn't want to fight, Scott. She can't be bothered. Which is why you do it" Frank answered, taking a discreet breath to try and relax once again.

Scott was still in a semi-daze as he nodded. He was staring at the floor of Frank's office, stealing small glances out the window toward where Elise left hurriedly. He snapped out of it, looking down at Frank and frowning upon something. "What happened to your hands?"

Frank took a better look at them, the bruises having turned purple and his hands swelling up a little. It actually hurt quite a lot along with the pain at the root of his spine which still hadn't cleared up since the night before. "Nothing. Well, something. Listen, I need your help"

"Sure," Scott said, defeated. Frank was finally seeing what his failing marriage was doing to him and he himself felt what Scott was portraying. "What is it?"

"Carson Morello showed up last night. High out of his mind, harassing Karen, not wanting to leave her alone. He got violent and so I swung on him" Frank said, holding his hands up for Scott to see. Scott grabbed his hands angrily which didn't help the pain in them. Frank was already trying to get through writing his reports but that was just as painful.

"Arrest his ass," Scott said, leaning closer toward Frank and inspecting his hands. He rubbed his thumbs over the bruises on Frank's knuckles before spreading each finger individually and taking a look. He grimaced, letting go as Frank pulled them away from him. "Man they look super nasty"

"I can't," Frank said, sitting back in his chair. Scott took a seat opposite him and took a similar stance. The room was filling with laziness within seconds and the motivation to finish his paperwork he had minutes ago was dripping away. "I need more evidence. I need you to dig around in his past, find whatever you can, got it?"

Scott nodded, reaching up to scratch the back of his head. He sniffed, "Sure, I can try and find something"

"That's not good enough, Scott" Frank snapped unintentionally. His fists had balled again and anger he didn't realise was there had started seeping out. Scott had flinched when he snapped, his brows furrowing together. "I need a solid answer, a solid confirmation that you'll find something to send this psycho down"

Scott just stared at him, sinking in his chair a little as he raised a brow. The twiddling of the thumbs returned and Frank eyed them briefly before looking back up toward him. "Was it really that bad?"

Frank shut his eyes for a split second; the image of Carson holding Karen by the neck appearing in his mind once again. He rubbed his head before nodding at Scott. "I'm gonna talk to LePaul to see about some sort of protection or lease against him to stop this from happening"

Scott nodded, forcing himself up in the chair before leaning forward and clasping his hands together between his legs. Frank kept his eye on his every mood, the images flashing in his head sending him into a sea of anxiety. He was putting Scott on edge now and he didn't know how to stop. "Sure. I'll see what I can find"

Frank nodded, his anger simmering slightly, his heart rate lowering and the image of the night before slowly fading in his mind. He noticed Scott had relaxed a little now which reassured him more. He felt for his phone in his pocket and began thinking about texting Karen to see if she were okay. "Thanks Scott, uh, it really means a lot"

"Don't sweat it," Scott replied, standing from the chair and shoving his hands into his pocket. The puppy on the front of his jumper relaxed Frank even more. It was probably Mason's. He fought back a smile. "It's nice how much you care about her. Makes me still believe in love even when my own marriage is failing"

_Love?_


	17. somewhere over the rainbow

"I just know that she's going to ask me and if she confronts me in person about it I can't decline. I could do it over text because I can carefully craft a lie but she is so manipulative in person, I can't escape it"

"Why would you want to?" Karen asked, unlacing their hands so she could grab a tin of beans off the shelf they stopped in front of. Frank looked up and down the aisle before sighing loudly. Karen tightened her grip on the tin reassuringly. "It sounds fun"

Frank laughed nervously, side glancing her with a strange look. Karen frowned back at him, her mouth gaping a little. "It's honestly one of the worst parties you could go to"

Karen laughed, placing it in the basket he was holding in his hand. She grabbed his other, the two of them continuing to walk down the aisle. Her eyes were focused on the shelves but Frank kept his forward and rigid. "How is that possible? Alcohol, dancing, singing, food, good spirit! It sounds lovely"

"Correction. Not enough alcohol, family harassing you about your personal life, sitting in the corner with no-one to talk to cause Mike's family are all boring sacks of shit" Frank answered, turning toward her. "Seriously, it sucks. The only person I have to talk to is Gabby and she is constantly talking to her sister-in-law. Have you ever heard the story of your own sister preferring her in laws to you?"

Karen just laughed, pulling Frank to a halt just as he looked up. Walking toward him with a shopping cart in front of her full of items and beginning to overflow was indeed his sister. "Chatting shit about me, are we Frank? Looks like nothing has changed, then"

Gabriela stood in front of him, holding a bag on her left arm and her right hand on the cart with a frown on her face. He looked down toward his small, half empty basket before looking back at her. Frank then faked a smile, "Hey, Gabby! We were totally just talking about how much Karen and I are looking forward to Mike's party"

"We were?" Karen asked lowly, leaning into Frank discreetly. 

"Oh good, he finally asked you then?" Gabriela asked, looking toward Karen with a small smile on her face. Karen smiled in response and Frank's heart swelled a little at the interaction. "I told him weeks ago he could bring someone. He really is the most giant chicken shit. I'm Gabby, Frank's sister"

Karen shook the hand she held out smiling widely. Frank continued watching, all traces of stress and lying about the party to Gabriela's face having disappeared. He was mostly happy that they already seemed to get along well. "Karen. Frank talks about you all the time"

Gabriela frowned, looking between the both of them eagerly, her eyes widened slightly. "He does? What does he say? It's all lies, I swear I'm nice"

"Nothing bad, Gabby. Cause I love you. You really think I'd make up lies about you? Thanks a lot" Frank answered, feigning hurt. Gabriela rolled her eyes and shoved him, Karen just laughing as she watched the exchange between them. "What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like, Frank?" Gabriela replied, frowning at his stupidity. Karen could only laugh more and Frank scratched the back of his neck awkwardly as Gabriela was absolutely humiliating him after he defended her. "Honestly he talks more sense with a few drinks down him, as odd as it sounds. You'll see on Saturday"

"I'm sure I will," Karen answered, looking up toward Frank slightly before back at Gabriela. His eyes were elsewhere and he was mostly just waiting for Gabriela to leave so he could let all of his anxiety and embarrassment out to Karen. She kept squeezing onto his arm and Frank could feel himself regretting existence at this point. That was becoming a regular thing. He didn't know whether to be worried. "Thanks for the invite, by the way"

"No worries. You make my brother happy, so that's all that matters. Anyway, I have to go before that bitch Vanessa Leighton gets the last cupcake stand. Bye guys" she replied, waving as she headed off. Frank turned to watch her leave, the last thing she said about him relieving some of his embarrassment. 

Karen waved back as Frank slowly sneaked off ahead of her before she caught up. She hadn't even realised he had unlaced himself from her and began walking ahead of her. She frowned, increasing her pace to catch up with him. "Frank, wait up"

Frank sighed, turning back to her quickly letting the basket crash into his leg. It hurt, but not bad enough to make a fuss about it. He shut his eyes and stared at the ceiling before sighing and looking at her once again. "Cancel all your Saturday plans cause you're coming with me to that damn party"

Karen folded her arms in front of him, cocking her right brow and pouting a little. "Why didn't you ask me up front?"

"You heard the woman," He said, motioning toward the way Gabriela went. He held his arm out for a few seconds before it dropped and he sighed, looking at the ground disappointed. He shrugged, "I'm a chicken shit"

Karen just laughed, taking his hand and pulling him closer toward her. She leaned up and kissed him, taking him by surprise before his body un-tensed and he kissed her back. He wrapped his free arm around her, his hand on the small of her back. As she pulled out, she stroked his face, caressing over the stubble on his chin.

"I'd love to go to the party with you, Frank" She answered. "All you had to do was ask"

\--

"Each of them have different stories, see the Tin Man's name is Boq and he originally was, well, I don't know if you'd say " _dating_ " the wicked witch of the west's sister, the one whose legs were sticking out from under the house at the beginning, remember?"

Frank squinted a little at the TV, watching the events unfold before him whilst trying to recall events from beforehand. He couldn't see her face but he knew Karen was getting slightly annoyed with everything he was saying. "Uh, yes"

Karen sat up, the blanket falling from around her neck landing on her legs. She turned to look at him with a frown on her face and Frank almost laughed. He just stared back at her instead. "Have you been listening at all?"

Frank shut his eyes, sighing. "Truthfully?"

She nodded, relaxing a little into the couch but continuing to look at him. "Of course"

"Truthfully," Frank began, shoving his hands into his pockets as he slumped down in the couch further. "No I haven't. Cause I like watching you watch it more than I like watching the actual movie so I haven't really been paying attention to pretty much any of it"

Karen hesitated, staring at him as Frank looked up toward her. He bit his lip as her silence caused him to laugh. Her face turned a little red and she frowned harder. "Don't lie"

He just laughed, "I'm not lying! Watching you sing and do the little munchkin dances and spot on impressions of the scarecrow is far more entertaining than a movie I have seen many times, even in different languages. I can sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in Italian"

Karen gasped, leaning forward and thumping him multiple times on the arm. He laughed, groaning and complaining a little before grabbing her hands to stop her. She yanked them away from him quickly. "You liar! You said you'd never seen it before!"

Frank shrugged, smirking. "Who hasn't seen that movie? Works a treat to find out how people react to their favourite movies in front of someone who has no clue"

Karen frowned, folding her arms and turning away from Frank as he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her toward him. She yelled aloud as she fell into the gap between Frank's body and the back of the couch. He wrapped his arms around her, kissing the back of her head as she laced their hands together. "Can you really sing in Italian?"

"Yes" He replied, "I won the school talent show in third grade because of it. Even though it was terribly out of tune, they were all just amazed at the fact I was Italian" Frank replied. She turned toward him, her mouth gaping and forming into some sort of smile along the way. Frank shook his head, grimacing.

"What else don't I know about you?" She asked jokingly.

Frank froze. Non-jokingly. Brushing it off quickly, he shook his head and pressed his lips to her forehead. "Nothing that I know of, myself. Unless you know my secrets and I don't?"

She just laughed, shaking her head as she buried herself into his neck. She wrapped her arms around his torso, pulling them closer together in the process. Frank absorbed all the warmth, hugging and holding her. As cliche as it sounded, he could easily stay there forever. "Why don't we ever go to your apartment?"

Frank scoffed, feeling her voice vibrate on his chest as she spoke. Her breath set bumps down his body and he flinched a little. He averted his eyes elsewhere in the room, spotting a photograph on the wall of Karen with two people; one tall guy and another short slightly tubbier girl. "Because it's disgusting. And anyway, your apartment is always warm"

She looked up toward him and their faces were inches apart. They practically shared the same breath. Frank felt like he almost couldn't breathe; the weight of him crushing her if he exhaled. She was so delicate and graceful and Frank was the total opposite. "I take it yours isn't?"

Frank nodded. "Hence why we never go there"

"It's not a real relationship if we only go to my place" She replied, shuffling further up so that she could be level with him. She placed her hand on his face, running her thumb along the edge of his jaw. She looked at the clock above his head, shooting up before he could reply. "Shit, I'm about to be late for work"

Karen jumped up off the couch, switching the TV off before clearing away the glasses and trash off the table in front of them. Frank sat up, scratching the back of his head and swinging his legs over the edge of the couch. He reached for his phone off the table in front of him, checking the time. "I'll drive you, if you like?"

"No, it's okay, you don't have to do that. I just lost track of time with the movie and I should only be a few minutes late if I shovel the snow off my car really quickly" Karen called from her bedroom, running back out with a thick coat and grabbing keys off the counter. "Stay as long as you like, I'm so sorry, I'll maybe see you later?"

"Karen, my car is free of snow and easy to access" Frank grabbed his jacket and shoved his keys in his pocket before following her to the door. He wasn't quite ready to leave the warmth of her apartment but he was clearly needed. "I'm driving you and I'll pick you up when you finish. Okay?"

All she did was smile at him.

\--

"Hold on, you work at _Shay's_ , and you didn't tell me?"

Karen shrugged, gripping tightly onto the bag she held between her legs. They had indeed gotten all the way down to the bottom of the building before she realised she had left her change of clothes in her apartment and had to go back for them. "It's no big deal"

"No big deal?" Frank asked, not taking his eyes off the road. His fingers tightened around the wheel as the wipers on the screen got rid of the oncoming snow. "My girlfriend works at the most top champagne bar in the whole city and she forgot to mention it?"

"I do stock take, Frank. Nobody sees me ever, I never see the actual bar itself or any customers. I hear the shitty taste in music and sit in the stinky store room, that's all" Karen answered, shuffling in her seat before looking out the window at the buildings passing in the flying snow.

"Then I'm going to pay them a visit and get you bumped up to a better job" Frank stated, looking over toward her briefly. Her face was out the window, eyes lost in motion and she quite frankly looked like she did not enjoy her job. "They can't have the shining assets behind the scenes"

"Don't you dare, Frank I mean it" Karen snapped, having whipped back around suddenly, a huge frown on her face as her eyes widened madly. Frank flinched a little, eyes switching frantically between her and the road multiple times. "I will never hear the end of it if you do that, please don't. I appreciate the thought but it will only make things worse"

Frank sighed, shrugging and shaking his head disapprovingly. Karen had sunk down into her chair and Frank felt the awkward tensions growing. "Well then I'm going to take you there one day. Not to work, to sit in the bar and drink until your hearts content"

He pulled up outside the bar, the exterior so fancy and shiny he was even more desperate to go inside. He looked at her as she gathered her things. She then looked across at him, shaking off her anger and sighing. She then smiled, forcing it but managing to leave a natural effect. Frank's heart swelled a little. "That sounds lovely"

Frank smiled, "Don't miss me too much"

Karen sighed dramatically, "How will I ever cope?"

Frank laughed as she leaned across the seat and kissed him. He took his hand off the steering wheel to hold her face in his hands and let everything fly away. She stroked his face for the third time that day as she pulled away from him. He found himself melting beneath her touch every time she did it. "I finish at 10:30"

Frank brushed her nose lightly. "I'll be out here waiting"

And with that, she disappeared into the sparkling building on avenue A.


	18. ticking time bomb

Frank let the water soothe him for as long as possible before it turned cold and he was kicked out the shower. He wrapped a towel around his waist, rubbing his head to get rid of any excess water before heading out. He felt a distant throbbing in his lower back, rolling his eyes as he realised he hadn't put his pills in his bag this morning.

"You better not have used up all the hot water, Castle"

"It's a hard knock life, Alderson" Frank replied, not bothering to turn around. He headed down the corridor to the locker room where he packed his sweat pants and a jumper into his bag inside his locker. When he first started there, he was quite shocked at how open they all were with the showering situation. He laughed a little, thinking of Scott's reaction on his first day.

Scott was messing about in his locker when Frank entered the room, other members of his squad beginning to pack away and head off in groups, most likely to the bar down the street. Frank opened his locker, the newly placed photograph of Karen and himself falling to the bottom of the door. He sighed, picking it up and sticking it back in its original place. Luckily there was a slight curve under the door of his locker otherwise it would have been on the floor.

"Holy shit, Frank" Scott said as Frank turned his back toward him delving inside his locker. He began rooting through his clothing, getting agitated at the water droplets trickling down his leg and down the back of his neck. He scratched at it quickly. "What is that on your back?"

Frank froze immediately. He slowed taking things out from his locker, throwing them over his shoulder to try and keep up the normalcy. He knew his jumper was getting wet but he had to try and ignore it. "What are you talking about?"

"It's like this red shit, spread at the bottom of your spine here" Scott headed toward him and prodded in the area. Frank had to resist the urge to yell as the pain was indescribable. He gripped onto the side of his locker waiting for the throbbing to begin and for the pain to recede slightly. "Jesus, Frank. Are you going to see a doctor about that? Has it got something to do with this scar along your spine?"

Frank turned around to face Scott as he took his jumper off his shoulder and began pulling over his head. He rubbed at his head once more, removing any excess water and wiping his hands on the towel around his waist. "Yeah I have an appointment after shift"

Scott folded his arms tightly as he stared at Frank. Frank nodded, mimicking Scott's stance and folding his arms. Scott scoffed, shaking his head. Frank was beginning to get annoyed, his surprisingly good mood fading quickly. "Do you really think I believe you? That's a straight up lie and you know it"

Frank sighed agitated before turning away from Scott and begin changing into his sweatpants. He was rapidly trying to avoid the conversation, trying to make up an excuse but Scott would be able to see through them all. Frank was a horribly bad liar. "Look, Scott, keep your nose out and I'll handle it"

Scott shook his head, "Hmm, no you won't"

Frank shoved his boots on. "Yes I will"

"You better do it soon otherwise I'm telling Commissioner LePaul and you'll be on leave for however long it takes to clear up" Scott answered. Frank turned back toward him quickly, heading across the locker room instantly and staring directly at Scott. He'd obviously been practising; he didn't move a muscle.

"You wouldn't" Frank snapped, shaking his head, in disbelief almost. Scott knew exactly how many times Frank had skipped work: once. Scott had worked there for five years, Frank approaching nine. He wouldn't rat Frank out for something he could handle, easily. "You wouldn't dare"

"Try me, you chicken shit" Scott replied, almost laughing.

Frank hesitated for a long while as he stared Scott out before he sighed, shrinking back to normal size as ironically, he ached. He turned back toward his locker, grabbing his bag from inside and packing the rest of his stuff inside and shutting his locker. He then turned back toward Scott. "I'll go to the doctors office. But you're coming with me"

\--

"Frank! I didn't expect to see you this evening"

Frank took a seat opposite his desk, leaning backward without agitating his lower back. He grimaced a little. He pictured Scott outside the office in the waiting room, sitting opposite the tiny child who was staring at him and pissing him off. Frank was just as happy to escape Scott's moaning. "I wish I was here on better terms, Dr. Rafferty"

Dr. Rafferty frowned as he saw Frank struggle before leaning forward in his chair and shoving his glasses on the top of his head. He clasped his hands together as Frank shoved his in his pockets. "What seems to be the problem, Frank?"

He just sighed, the dread and fear he had locked away over the past few weeks beginning to pour out quicker than he could stop it. It was like vomit, it wouldn't stop bubbling up in his throat until he let it out. His hands grew sweaty as Dr. Rafferty's eyes were strictly trained on him. "I have spine issues. Again"

Rafferty sighed also, "Care to specify?"

"Something happened a couple weeks ago, something that aggravated it because the next day I was in so much pain. I went to the pharmacist to get my pills even though I haven't been on them for years but they're not working. There's a huge red patch spreading where the fracture was and I don't know what to do so I came here. Can you give me therapy or a different prescription of pills or something?"

"Did you hear anything? Like a crack or?" Rafferty asked.

"Honestly I was too caught up in what I was doing to notice it but it may have happened, yes" Frank replied, slumping in his chair a little. He knew what he was doing was something he shouldn't have but he could not admit that to Dr. Rafferty. "It was a bust up at work, this guy was swinging on me and I had to put up a fight"

Frank figured by the look on Rafferty's face he believed the bullshit story to some extent. He then nodded, pushing backward from the desk as his chair rolled. "The only way I'm gonna know what we're dealing with is if I see it"

The two stood from their chairs and headed over toward the bed in the corner of the room. Frank took off his shirt behind the curtain with Rafferty behind him. His heart was pounding and his fingers fumbling over the edges of his shirt. He stared at the wall and took a breath before placing his shirt on the bed in front of him.

"Wow," Rafferty said, silent for many minutes after that. Frank just stared at the wall harder, more anxious, counting the paint marks that had been sloppily missed. He clasped together his sweaty hands, flinching as Rafferty pressed his cold hands against Frank's back. It was similar to what Scott had done, the pain just as prominent. Frank squeezed his eyes shut. "That hurts a lot?"

He nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets so he could ball his fists without Rafferty seeing. Frank was trying to picture what it looked like, what Rafferty was seeing, what ugliness Scott had looked at. That first time he saw the huge line of stitches on his back on his nineteenth birthday. Learning how to walk again. The fear of having to do the same again. "Yeah, real bad"

"Okay, lay on the bed for me?" He asked, and Frank obliged as he lay on his front and let Dr. Rafferty continue to examine him. "Seems like whatever you did caused a bleed or the bursting of some blood vessels which caused the redness on your back. That's normal, it will fix up soon enough"

Frank sat up as Rafferty walked back toward his desk. That never happened last time? He frowned, staring at the floor as the silence drenched the air. He picked up a thick book, beginning to flick through it with a frown on his face and his glasses on. "Something tells me that's not the end of it"

Rafferty laughed, short and sharp. A belly laugh, one that Frank only associated with his father. Something that struck right down to his core and forced him to shut everything off. He pulled himself away from his thoughts and looked at him. "No. Sorry, Frank. I'm just looking up something to double check"

As Frank pulled his shirt back over his head, Rafferty shut the book loudly. Frank flinched, looking to his left, as he scratched the back of his neck in an attempt to cover it up. He stood from the bed and headed back toward the chair, sitting opposite Dr. Rafferty again.

"It seems to me you've developed osteoporosis" Rafferty began, shoving his glasses back on the top of his head after pulling them down briefly to read from the book. "There was a risk of that happening anyway after the accident but the symptoms didn't show back then and initially, you were in the clear because you got the green flags a year after therapy. Looks like they are finally showing"

Frank just frowned, "What do you mean, "finally showing"?" 

_Am I just a ticking bomb waiting to go off?_

"Because of the first accident, your bones have become weak and brittle in your spine which we knew anyway would happen but, this seems to have almost "spurred it on", I think" Rafferty replied. "Putting it simpler, the first accident weakened everything, and this minor bump in the road has sort of sped your journey up on the road to something bigger"

"So you're saying this was going to happen anyway?" Frank asked agitated. His hands were sweaty and he was starting to bounce his leg in the chair, most likely annoying Dr. Rafferty. "There was always going to be something in my upcoming future that would bring back my problems, this just caused it to happen earlier? What am I supposed to do about it?"

"Nothing. You know you can't fix brittle bones, Frank. You learn to live with it and take care of yourself or you face the consequences" Rafferty answered sharply. His serious head had been put on and it scared Frank a little. "It's not guaranteed that something in your future would resurface your problems, Frank, I have no way of determining that because I can't read into the future" 

"Consequences?" Frank almost snapped at Rafferty but he definitely didn't mean to. All the information he was piling on was causing Frank's nerves to grow higher and higher, building a tower inside his mind that was waiting to be knocked down. The worst part was; he didn't know when that would happen. "What consequences?"

"If you're not careful, your spine could fracture again and this time it could be permanent. Could be, I'm not saying it will be. It would depend on the type of fracture whether it slips back into place of the old one or worse, or who knows, better. But I have to warn you that it could jeopardise your future as an officer, Frank" He answered.

Frank tried to think of a future without the precinct in it and ended up bursting into tears in front of Dr. Rafferty.


	19. goosebumps and silver fields

It was cold when he woke and he wasn't used to it. His eyes ached, the box of pills was coming into focus on his bedside table. He grabbed it, holding it there for a minute before sitting up and removing two from the packet. He swallowed them down with a glass of water. It tasted stale and slightly warm and Frank grimaced, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

The clock on his kitchen wall said 18:58 meaning that he had two minutes til he had to leave. He knew Karen would knock one minute early so he sat on the couch and waited. He stared at the blank TV, having spoken to nobody since he went to the doctors office with Scott. He didn't even tell Karen.

Scott said he would regret it and maybe it could cause friction between them but Frank felt better keeping her out of it when she had so much going on in her own life anyway. He could handle it on his own and she didn't need something else to worry about when she essentially couldn't do anything.

She knocked a few seconds later and Frank stood from the couch slowly. He was sent into a small dizzy spell as he stood and grabbed onto the wall to balance himself. He didn't know how he was going to stay standing at a party all night. His pills still hadn't kicked in as he grabbed the keys off the counter and headed over.

She was beaming as he opened the door but her face dropped as she looked at him. Frank sighed heavily, looking at what she was wearing and how spectacular she looked compared to him. Compared to how he felt at that very moment. "Why aren't you ready? We have to leave soon"

He shrugged, heading back into the apartment as she headed inside after him. It was the more comfortable option to walk around with a slight limp but he didn't want Karen to notice that something was initially wrong. He masked it with a bad mood which always worked. Masking something negative with something negative that you're good at just about switches people's attentions elsewhere. "Just woke up"

She placed a bag on the counter. Frank noticed she carried a wine bag and had obviously forgotten to mention that Mike was indeed fructose intolerant and his sister would probably end up drinking it all anyway. "You just woke up? Didn't you have work today?"

"Yeah. I had a nap when I got back. I was wasted" Frank replied, turning around to face her before he sat on the couch. He took another look at her and she frowned a little as she followed his eyes down her flowing red dress. She finished it off with black heels. Frank smiled, looking up toward her once again. "You look so beautiful"

Karen walked over toward him, joining him on the couch as she faced him with a frown. Frank subconsciously moved away, edging down the couch just a tiny bit, hoping she wouldn't see. She placed a cold hand on his leg, forcing him to look up at her. "What's wrong?"

Frank shook his head, leaning backward a little to scratch the back of his neck, realising halfway that it hurt more than ever. When were the pills going to kick in? "Nothing, I'm just coming out of the sleep daze. You know how it is"

She nodded, crossing her arms as she stared at him cautiously. He smiled at her lazily, leaning forward and rubbing her arm a little. "Are you going to get ready or not? We don't want to be ridiculously late to your own family's party"

Frank then pushed himself off the couch slowly, Karen doing the same. Frank found himself walking closer toward her and frowning at how they were almost the same height because of Karen's heels. She just laughed, smiling at him. He smiled back, rubbing her arms once more with his ridiculously overheated hands. "Ten minutes. Then we'll go"

\--

Frank pulled up outside the address Gabriela had given him earlier in the day, having made a stupid excuse as to why he was driving if he was going to drink. He claimed they'd get a lift back with his Mother in a cab as she was getting too old to drive far distances now.

"Do you think this wine is okay?" Karen whispered as she stepped closer toward Frank. He took hold of her hand and squeezed it tightly as he pushed the door open. The music was distantly heard as the door opened. The reception area had the odd musty smell, something common with parties in random buildings. It took Frank back a few years.

Frank nodded, "It's perfect, stop worrying. Gabby will only drink it anyway, she's obsessed with any type of wine, claims it gets her through motherhood which to me is an absolutely ridiculous reason to drink. If you want to drink, just do it"

"I'm so nervous" Karen whispered, leaning her head on his arm slightly. She had ignored what Frank had said and to be honest, he was glad. It was utter bullshit that just made him want to drink even more when he knew he couldn't. "Your family aren't going to hate me, are they?"

Frank frowned, side glancing her. "Don't be ridiculous"

(They never met you when we dated in High School. You always wanted to stay private.)

Karen swallowed as the music got louder and Frank pushed open a second door. He held her out at arm length, letting her go through the door before him. He followed, hit by the instant darkness and the strobe lights flying around the room. Karen turned toward him after looking around the room and the different colours lit up her face. Frank smiled.

(We wouldn't even hold hands in public.)

"They came!"

Frank observed the room quickly and saw his whole family; it only just hit him that shit, he was nervous too. He hadn't any time to prepare for all the bullshit that was about to come his way, questions he didn't want to answer and subjects he was desperate to avoid.

He smiled as Gabriela approached him, ignoring him and going to hug Karen. Frank just watched their interaction, still gripping onto Karen's hand the whole time. It was like Layla's birthday but worse. There was no sign of Marco. Yet. His heart was warmed at Karen and Gabriela's sudden closeness and he was glad for it.

"Thought you'd bottle it, to be honest" Gabriela said, holding the wine bag that Karen had obviously given her. She had turned away from Karen to speak to him, and he found himself being stared at by the both of them. 

"You look lovely as well!" He replied sarcastically, exaggerating a grin. She stuck her tongue out a little toward him before throwing her arms around him tightly. Frank hugged her back, gripping her tightly and trying to absorb some of the calmness that she always radiated. He felt a little more reassured about the whole thing just by hugging her.

She rolled her eyes, folding her arms as she stepped away from him to get a proper look at him. Laughing a little, she shoved his arm. "You actually do scrub up well, you know. Haven't seen you look that good since Homecoming or something. And that was way too long ago"

Frank just rolled his eyes in response, brushing off the mention of Homecoming. His chest suddenly tightened, his face dropping and all inches of the sudden relaxation approaching had slipped away quickly. He managed to laugh it off awkwardly, shaking his head and looking over his shoulder toward the bar. "So where's the alcohol?"

"I think you should introduce your girlfriend to our Mother first, don't you?" Gabriela suggested, wiggling her eyebrows toward where she was walking over from. Frank turned quickly, not being able to express the huge wave of panic that washed over him before he had to smile at her entrance. Her arms were outstretched as she neared him.

"Frank!" She cheered, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek. She wrapped her arms around him gently, squeezing their faces together. Frank leaned down to hug her even though it hurt more than anything. He could tell she had already had a drink or two as she wobbled when she pulled away from him. She gasped, looking him up and down. "Oh, my baby boy you look so wonderful"

Frank couldn't help but smile, looking toward the ground awkwardly. He then grabbed Karen's hand quickly, squeezing it tightly and forcing her closer toward him. She placed her free hand on his arm, rubbing it gently. He looked back toward his Mother. "Thanks, Ma. So do you"

She smiled up at Frank before looking toward Karen. Frank followed her eyes, looking toward Karen's beaming face. He could see through the odd lighting that she was blushing a little. "Who is this beautiful lady?"

Frank smiled as Karen blushed, looking toward the ground. Their hands were still locked tightly and he felt Karen squeeze harder as his Mother spoke to her. It squeezed Frank's heart just as tight and he instantly filled up with nerves for no reason. "I'm Karen, nice to meet you"

"Lovely to meet you too, honey. Thank you for making my baby so happy. He's like a different guy completely!" She replied, leaving Karen a little strangled with compliments and Frank drowning in embarrassment. The nerves were slowly overtaking him and he didn't realise it would be such a big deal. 

"It's my pleasure," Karen replied, continually smiling toward her. Frank's eyes flickered toward his Mother, her face full of happiness and delight that only let Frank relax a little. Gabriela stood next to her, smiling at Frank willingly, nodding discreetly. "He makes me happy, too, really. You're just all so lovely and welcoming and I didn't expect any different after meeting Frank"

"Didn't know he was capable of it" Gabriela replied lowly, laughing as Karen laughed with her. Frank just glared at her, shaking his head. He could feel his cheeks heating up quickly, sighing a little as he was glad it was dark in the room. He knew exactly how Karen would react if she caught him blushing.

"Gabriela!" Their Mother scalded her, looking at her with a frown on her face. She looked between her and Frank, her frown something she used to whip out when they were younger. It sent a strange feeling to Frank's heart, causing it to flutter a little. Just for that second, he was 11 all over again.

"Ma, it was a joke!" Gabriela replied, holding her hands up defensively. Their Mother elbowed Gabriela in the sides, causing Frank to roll his eyes further into the back of his head, the embarrassment somehow getting worse. He looked at Karen who was just laughing along, most likely to fit in.

"Our cue to leave," Frank said, slipping his hand into Karen's, their palms fitting together almost perfectly despite the size difference. She looked down toward them quickly before frowning a little toward Frank. He raised his brows, looking toward his Mother and Gabriela. "See you around"

He headed off, Karen following him as their arms outstretched as Frank walked pretty fast. She had struggled to say her goodbyes as Frank had practically run from them. "Slow down! These heels are way too high compared to what I'm used to"

Frank stopped and turned back toward her. Their hands fell apart and Frank shoved his in his pockets, shuffling about on the spot. "Man that was embarrassing, sorry"

Karen shook her head, "It was amazing. They are amazing, Frank. Just like you"

He looked at her, his brows knotted together before she stroked his freshly shaven face, her thumb caressing his cheek. He let himself relax in her hands, shutting his eyes briefly. He turned his head slightly, kissing her hand before taking it in his own. She smiled at him hopefully.

He smiled back, "What would you like to drink?"

\--

Frank ended up at the bar staring at his full glass of beer. He twisted it along the bar, the condensation along the outside of the glass leaving a trail on the mat. It wasn't even 10 o clock yet and he was already watching Karen dance with his sister in the centre of the room.

He had to wait a few more hours before his pills wore off and he could drink, if he even wanted to by then. He figured he'd have to have one otherwise people will figure out something is up. Especially Gabriela as she knows the extent of his love for beer.

Without him noticing, Karen crept up on him and he jumped slightly as she sat next to him. "Hey!" She cheered loudly, leaning forward to kiss his cheek. The liquid in his glass sloshed over the edges, coating his hand as Karen forcefully pressed her lips to his face. 

He smiled a little as she pulled away, taking Frank's beer and sipping from it, not even questioning that it was still full. He grabbed a small serviette and began wiping the liquid from his hand. It grew sticky, and he frowned before discarding of it completely. "Having fun?" He asked.

"Yes," she replied, placing the glass back down in front of him. Frank looked toward her; she wasn't drunk but she was happy. Happiness was almost alcohol in itself, Frank had seen countless times in the past that it had the same affect. "But I'd have more fun with you. Why don't you come and dance with Gabby and me?"

Frank shook his head, messing with his hands as he looked down toward the bar. He found himself counting the tiny water droplets on the bar surface. Karen placed her hand on top of his, pulling them closer toward her. "Definitely not my thing"

Karen frowned, opening all his fingers from his balled fists to lace her hands with his own. She yanked a little, causing Frank to turn his body toward her fully. There was no frown on her face anymore, instead replaced with a small smirk. Her eyebrows wiggled and she laughed. "Come on, please?"

He just laughed along with her, "You'd have to pay me big amounts of money"

"100 dollars? Is that enough?"

Frank turned to see that Marco had arrived in the time he wasn't watching the door and whilst he was talking to Karen. He had caught Frank off guard, he hadn't had any time to prepare himself or what he would say to all of Marco's ridiculous questions and statements. Frank just sighed, "Nowhere near enough"

Marco laughed, ordering a beer from the bartender before sitting next to Frank. Frank grimaced at his order, Marco probably picking the most prestigious and expensive brand just to piss him off. Frank would never admit that it worked. Marco slapped him hard on the back. "How's it going Frank?"

The impact of Marco's slap send so many waves of pain down Frank's spine, letting the bundle up right at the foot. He was about to jump forward, groaning aloud but he then remembered Karen was sitting next to him. He just turned away from Marco toward her, "This is my younger brother-"

"Marco" Karen replied, all traces of giddiness replaced with a strange sense of her being taken aback. She looked over the top of Frank's head, her eyes hardened and a frown plastered on her face. Sipping from Frank's beer once more, she placed it down more forcefully than before. "I know who he is"

"Kara!" Marco exclaimed, pointing toward her.

"It's Karen" She replied agitated. Frank instantly sensed this in her tone and frowned, instantly looking between them. Karen was still looking toward him, almost sheepishly whilst Marco went straight back to his drink. Frank was tempted to knock it straight out of his hand and let it ruin his clearly expensive tux.

"Hold on, you know each other? How?" He asked quickly, feeling like after this he'd definitely need a drink. He quickly contemplated whether he should just ignore everything and drink something to help him get through the painfully slow evening, especially with Marco there, or whether he should continually play it safe.

"He's my boss," Karen replied, pulling Frank from his brief thoughts quickly. Karen had turned so bored and bitter and Frank wasn't used to it; he wasn't sure he liked it either. Seemed to be the impression Marco had on everyone. "He runs _Shay's_. I don't know how you didn't know if he's your brother"

"Yeah, didn't Ma tell you, Frank? I run the place" Marco replied, raising his eyebrows. Frank just grew angrier and angrier as the minutes passed on, knowing Marco had yet another advantage over him, something else to shove in his face. It seemed like it was a never ending game of trying to please people unworthy of it. "So how do you know my stock lady?"

Frank turned to Marco in his seat, "Firstly, her name is Karen, Marco, not Kara. Secondly, I can't believe she works for an asshole like you when there is literally anyone else in the whole world who she could work for that would most definitely treat her with more respect than you probably have in the last 3 minutes. You didn't even know her name"

Marco frowned, shuffling in his seat to look toward Frank. It only angered him more each time Marco played this angle, acting as though he was the victim. Marco knew exactly who the victim was. "When are you going to drop this, Frank? I did nothing wrong"

Frank laughed, all too bitterly. Contradicting when he figured Karen bitter; they were similar in ways he had never began to imagine. "I'm not getting into this here, for Gabby's sake, but you know exactly what you did, Marco"

Karen gripped Frank's arm, pulling at it lightly. Frank wasn't eager to leave, wanting to make Marco feel as small as he possibly could without causing a scene. Karen obviously had other plans. "Come on, lets go"

"No, I'll leave" Marco snapped, grabbing his beer. It was violent and Frank flinched a little, knowing exactly how violent he could be. "Have fun in your lonely and hateful life, Frank. I wonder if you'll ever find someone to love you and your shitty personality but the chances get slimmer every time I see you"

He walked off and Frank just clenched his fists angrily. His blood boiled loudly in his ears and he didn't hear when Karen called his name. She shook his arm, causing him to flinch wildly. He pulled away quickly and stood from the stool he was sat on. He stared at her, fighting with all his might not to snap at her. His anger was only directed at Marco and she may not understand that just yet. "Where are you going?" she asked, quickly.

He grabbed his jacket and looked back at her once again. He missed the happiness on her face, the unworldly sense of her enjoying herself as it had all come crashing down. And it was Frank's fault. "Somewhere other than here. Don't follow me"

He stormed through the crowds leaving Karen stood helplessly at the bar, alone.

\--

There was too much smoke where Frank was stood and he kept circling the building trying to find a spot to stand angrily without anyone finding him. It was pretty cold so he was grateful he bought his jacket with him.

His head ached, having drunken nothing all night. Nobody had noticed which was good. He was slowly beginning to fill with regret as he basically predicted the night going something along the lines of how it had. It always did with Marco. 

He could hear her heels approaching but he didn't bother to turn around. Once they stopped, he let out a breath which formed as a cloud of air in front of his mouth. He shoved his fists into his pockets, sniffing harshly, cold pain forming in his nose. "I thought I told you not to follow me?"

"And in what world would I listen to you?" She asked. Her voice wobbled, probably due to the cold. Even through his jacket he could feel the cold on his skin. 

Frank turned quickly at her response and saw her stood a few feet away, shivering with her arms crossed. He instantly pulled his jacket off, walking over and placing it on her arms. Whilst they were close, Karen wrapped her arms around him tightly. He couldn't move, being forced to hug her back. He didn't mind anymore.

He placed his chin on her head, grateful she was there, even though it was freezing and she hated it. The warmth spread between them as they held each other tightly. He squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the urge to cry as she stood there with her head pressed against his chest.

"I had no idea that Marco is your brother" Karen said, looking up to him. She had pulled away from him, her arms still around him. He grew cold where her head was laid and he urged for her to resume her stance.

"Well I don't think too highly of him, as you saw" Frank answered, looking over Karen's head and away from her. The fields in front of him were silver, the ice in the air having turned the tips of the grass that colour. 

"Can I ask why?" Karen asked.

"Another time," Frank replied, "I promise I'll explain it all to you"

She just nodded, "Sure"

After a minute silence between the two of them, Frank spoke again. He had finished looking out at the fields and focused back on Karen, her eyes having been on him the entire time. He didn't know he was that interesting to look at. "I'm going to get you a better job"

"No, Frank," Karen said, looking toward the pavements beneath them. Frank watched her, recalling every little detail from her hair falling over her face to the goosebumps on her skin. People really were interesting to look at. "Don't do that. I'm perfectly fine where I am. If I'm still there when I go back on Monday. He probably fired me"

"Exactly, that's a possibility and that's on me. So, I'm going to get you a better job, whether he likes it or not. I have endless tricks and things to hold over him if he doesn't" He replied, finding himself going back to looking at the sights ahead of him when Karen's eyes landed back on his face.

Karen sighed, shaking her head more violently. "Don't do that"

"Do what?" Frank asked defensively, quickly.

"Start a feud"

He scoffed, shaking his head himself. His heart began pounding and he wondered if she could tell. They were close enough for her to figure it out. "This feud has been going down for way longer than you think"

Karen just paused, clearing her throat, forming a cloud of air in front of them. Frank eyed it before their eyes finally locked once again. "I'm sorry"

"Don't you apologise" Frank replied, raising his brows quickly. He was confused as to why she could possibly think that anything was her fault. "It's his fault. And mine. When Gabby gets hold of my ass I'm in for a lecture but it's nothing I can't handle"

"None of what he said was true, Frank. I hope you know that" Karen said, "Because your Mother loves you, and Gabby and your niece and nephew. They love you, so much. I can see it, and I've only seen snippets. I'm sure there is tonnes more where that came from. And I love you. I do"

Frank was struck for a second, his heart skipping so many beats he lost count. Short of breath at the exact wrong time, Frank stared at Karen. Her face was full of worry and she was shivering and she looked so beautiful with the tiny smudge of lipstick in the corner of her mouth and her tired eyes in the moonlight; and _shit, oh god_.

His mouth gaped for a few seconds before a smile spread across his face. He kissed her quickly, pulling her closer and closer by the second because in that exact moment, kissing her was the best thing in the world. He didn't know how he could have possibly compared it to anything else in the past. They pulled apart for a split second, their foreheads pressed together. _Shit, oh god_. "I love you, too"


	20. winchester bay

Karen was talking on the phone when Frank opened his eyes. Her duvet smelt of perfume: lemongrass. It was smooth on his rough skin as he turned in the bed and let out a long sigh. For some reason, it was so much comfier than his own and he figured it was probably new. It was either that or just the fact it was her bed made it much more comfortable.

He could hear her pacing around her apartment, back and forth across the door. He couldn't make out what she was saying or whether she was worried about something or happy about something. It took him a few seconds before the slight relaxation died and he remembered what had happened the night before.

Sitting up in the bed quickly, Frank leaned forward off the bed toward the cupboard next to the bed and grabbed his jumper to shove on over his tank top. He'd rather feel suffocated by her warm apartment than risk her seeing the redness on his back. It hurt to put it on but he felt better for it.

Frank sat on the edge of the bed until she finished up on the phone, hoping she'd come back into the room. He grabbed his phone from the bedside table, checking through briefly for messages. Some from Scott came through, some from his Sister, still angry about what happened at Mike's party.

Everything went quiet finally before she made her way back across the apartment and opening the door. She was slow at first, obviously thinking Frank was still sleeping but she stopped when she saw him sat up. He could sense the smile in her voice as she spoke, "You're awake"

Frank looked over his shoulder, ignoring the pain and trying not to grimace in front of her. He tried to smile, looking at her bed head and the fact she was wearing his shirt from the night before. She wore bright red shorts, probably pyjamas. "Good morning. Who were you talking to on the phone?"

"Two people, actually. Your brother called me" she replied, heading into the room and sitting back on the bed. She pulled the duvet back toward her and it pulled from under Frank's legs so he turned back, shuffling himself to sit on the bed by the headboard.

"What did he say?" Frank asked quickly, shuffling closer toward her eagerly. She swivelled a little in the bed, tucking her knees underneath. She placed her hands on top of her legs and Frank took hold of one of them quickly.

She took a small deep breath, trying to suppress a smile as she looked toward him. Her cheeks heated up a little before she spoke and Frank didn't know how to feel. "Well, I'm not fired, for starters. And he actually offered me a waitressing course"

Frank's eyes widened, a smile spreading across his face. "Seriously?"

Karen shrugged, pulling her hand away from his grip, beginning to mess with them in her lap. Frank looked down, frowning at little before looking back up at her. "I've never done it before, it might not suit me. I'm better in the background"

"Which is why you take the course, Karen, that's amazing" Frank said, grinning as he pulled her toward him. Although her apartment never failed on the temperature side, she was a little colder than him. "You'll be great, I promise. Marco is lucky to have you"

She wrapped her arms around Frank's torso, gripping tightly as she grinned wildly into his chest. Frank shut his eyes in relaxation as she sunk into his body. They fit together so perfectly, Frank almost felt lost when she pulled away. "Thank you"

Frank scratched his head as she sat back on her feet, rubbing her hands together. The angle he was sat at wasn't the most comfortable, causing a pain in the arch of his back. He ignored it, heading back toward their conversation before Karen realised something was up. "Who else called?"

"My sister" Karen replied, clasping her hands together gleefully. Frank could only smile at the smile now present on her face. "She reminded me that my brother is in fact getting married soon and I have a trip to Oregon planned for the wedding. I can't believe I forgot, he would kill me if he knew"

Frank leaned away quickly, a frown forming on his face. Karen's face then dropped quickly as she noticed his discomfort. "Excuse me, you're going away? For how long?"

"Just a week," Karen answered, "For Thanksgiving. It's like a huge joint family thing. My parents have a country house in Winchester Bay and they decided to have the majority of the wedding there and the service at the church in the village"

"Oh," Frank said flatly. He stared down at the duvet between them, somehow feeling uncomfortable. His mood changed so quickly in such a short period of time that it felt odd. Karen only laughed and Frank frowned at the timing. "Why are you laughing?"

She smiled, shaking her head. Her eyes landed on the duvet, her hair falling over her face. Running her hands through as she looked up toward him, her smile was even bigger. "Cause I want you to come with me, dummy"

Frank frowned, staring at her for a while. He then shook his head, his mouth gaping a little as he tried to find the right words. Karen only laughed more, causing his cheeks to heat up with embarrassment and pure self loathing. "What?"

"I want you to come with me, to Oregon, for thanksgiving, to my brother's wedding" Karen replied, pausing between phrases to jokingly get the facts across. Frank rolled his eyes, still feeling a little embarrassed. "I want you to meet my family, Frank. I feel like it's time. I've met your family and I feel a little incomplete that you haven't met mine"

"Seriously?" He asked, his heart pounding at the thought of meeting Karen's parents. By the sounds of things, they definitely wouldn't approve of him full stop. The fact they own a country house had Frank shaken let alone him actually staying in the country house.

"If you don't have plans? I mean, you could have family trad-"

"No" Frank said, looking down at the space between them once again as he tried to suppress a smile from forming on his lips. Usually he spent thanksgiving with Gabriela and his family but missing it for one year wouldn't hurt that much, right? "No, I don't, I- I'd love to come with you"

Karen couldn't help but smile, stroking Frank's face, cupping his cheek as he pulled her closer toward him. He touched his forehead on hers as he kissed her, each time pulling her closer. He could feel the scar behind her ear, the smoothness bumping over his tired fingers. Karen ran her hands under his arm and onto his back and Frank jolted, pulling away from her. She frowned quickly, "What? What's wrong?"

Frank stumbled, shaking his head. His back throbbed subconsciously just because Karen touched it. His heart pounded and his throat felt like it would swell up and burst. He forced himself to get some words out, afraid it would be vomit if he waited any longer. "I just remembered I have to go into work for something"

"Oh," Karen said, "I'll drive you if you like?"

Frank shook his head, standing from the bed and grabbing his boots. "No, it's okay, you stay in bed" He shoved them on quickly, grabbing his bag before turning back toward her. Karen pulled the duvet back over her legs and grabbed a book from her bedside table. She opened it and began reading.

Frank smiled as he walked around the side of the bed. He stopped next to Karen, leaning down to kiss her forehead. Standing upright, he pulled his jumper down over the waistline of his sweatpants to cover the redness. It had ridden up as he leaned forward toward her. "I love you"

She smiled, grabbing his hand and keeping hold of it when he began to walk away. They finally let go, Frank shoving his hand in his pocket and grabbing the door handle with the other. "I love you, too"

\--

"Please tell me why you dragged me out of bed at this time on a Sunday? For breakfast? Don't you have a girlfriend to do that with?"

Frank sighed as he sat across from Scott, in a beanie and sun glasses. Before Frank could speak, the waitress headed toward them and placed a pot of coffee on the table. Scott grabbed it before he could and poured a large mug. He gulped it down quickly. "It's my girlfriend I want to talk about"

Placing the mug down, Scott frowned quickly, "Trouble in paradise?"

Frank shook his head, grabbing the pot and pouring a mug. "She told me she loves me"

He widened his eyes, "And you don't?"

Frank frowned, "No, I do. Of course I do"

"Then, congrats? I guess?" Scott answered, frowning as he stared at the bottom of his mug. He swirled the liquid by circling the mug in his hands. Frank watched him agitated, his frown growing deeper by the second. "Why are we here?"

"I'm going to tell you something and you can't tell anyone, especially not Karen, okay?" Frank asked, keeping his voice low. He balled his fists together and he found himself feeling along his knuckles. The grooves were nowhere to be found and realising he was angry, he let his tensions fall. They returned.

Scott frowned, his eyes widening again. This only made Frank more nervous and he began to contemplate telling him. "Shit. Sounds serious. Okay?"

Frank pulled his wallet out his pocket and placed it on the table. He opened it, looking at the photos he had inside. There was a new picture of him and Karen in there from Mike's party - someone was taking Polaroids and took one of the two of them and gave it straight to Frank. The one from his Mother's attic was behind it and he pulled it out.

He slid it across the table toward Scott and he picked it up and looked at it. Frank watched him stare for only a few seconds before looking back toward him with a frown. Scott waved it around carelessly, Frank panicking because of how close it was to practically disintegrating. "2001? What am I looking at?"

"That's me" Frank said, causing Scott to gasp and stare at him. "I was on the ice hockey team in High School. I was eighteen there"

"And just as fucking huge, your muscles are insane! I was fucking paper thin in High School" Scott said, pulling the photograph closer toward his face to take a look once again. "Is that really you? Like, seriously? And why the hockey team?"

Frank nodded, "That's where the spinal problems came from. I was in an accident"

"Shit, Frank, really? You've been suffering with them since then?" Scott asked, looking down at the picture once again before looking back at Frank. He didn't want Scott to look anymore and he suddenly felt like snatching it away quickly. "What happened?"

"I was a Winger. Even though it wasn't the main position, I was the most well known on the team. They called me _Frankie Villa_ for short. I rarely got called by my full name, only by teachers and people who didn't know me well. It was dumb looking back on it" Frank began. "I scored the most, they all cheered me at every game. It was so thrilling and exciting to get their energy after a good game, you know?

Scott shrugged, "Not really, been as I was bullied in High School and didn't have many friends. Thought I could prove them wrong by becoming a cop. Didn't really work out, did it? Your High School life is the epitome of what I wanted"

Frank shook his head "It's nowhere as near as good as it sounds. Everyone knows your business, you can't keep anything private. You're accused of all sorts of shit you didn't even do, fucking with people you didn't. It's not the fantasy made out to be"

"It had to be better than being bullied and harassed by the three same annoying jock strap soccer players" Scott answered, pouring more coffee from the transparent container. "Anyway, it's like battle of the Tragic Pasts right here, please continue"

Frank rolled his eyes before sighing. "People scouted me, I was that good. I got a scholarship to Boston just a few weeks before the last game of the season. So I'm in this game and I was just about to score the winning goal. I was going for the net, dodging everyone when a Defensemen practically ran at me. I've never seen someone move so fast on ice before. He gashed my leg pretty deep with the blade on his skates, so deep he hit the bone. I just went over. I fell so hard on the ice that I fractured my spine"

"No way" Scott answered, almost breathless. Frank felt the sag inside his chest, replaying the moment he lay staring at the ceiling of the sports centre, eyes blurring. Everything went quiet in his ears, white noise, the buzzer sounding loudly above him. He froze; mouth gaping as the pain started spreading and his body beginning to paralyse. "You actually fractured your spine?"

People ran onto the ice, Frank mumbling something he so distinctly remembered that never came out right because his speech was gone; _help me_. He nodded, looking at Scott. "Just before graduation, where I was off to Boston to play hockey for a living"

Scott looked at the picture again, Frank's eyes on him the whole time. "You look so happy"

_"Can you feel your legs? Can you move them for me?"_

"I was" Frank answered.

_He attempted to shake his head. "I can't feel anything"_

"Why are you telling me this?" Scott asked, his voice a lot lower.

Frank pointed to the girl in the picture, tapping it twice. "That's the girl I dated at the time. We never went public, we were the only two who knew we were dating. She wanted it that way. But I happily obliged because this quiet, knowledgeable woman had interest in me, not because I was on the hockey team, but because one day I stitched up a tear she had behind her ear"

Scott frowned, wondering whether to say anything as of yet or whether to wait til he had finished the full story. "Her name was Karen. Karen Page. Ironic, I know. And she was the only girl I have ever truly loved. Sounds really stupid and I feel like a dumb ass but-"

"No" Scott said, shaking his head. "It's not stupid. You're allowed to have feelings, Frank. Come on, man I cry almost every night but I don't care?"

Frank stared at him before he pulled the recent photo out of his wallet and placed it next to the old one. Scott took the other from him, frowning and looking up toward Frank just as he began to speak. "Every time I kiss her," he pointed at the newer photo, "I can feel that scar"

Scott just frowned further, "What?"

"The scar, it's behind her ear and I can feel it, I swear" Frank said, leaning toward him over the table. He eyed the two photographs in Scott's hands before looking back up at him. "I've felt it multiple times, Scott. I doubted myself at first but, now I'm more sure than ever"

"So you're saying that these two people are the same person? You're dating the girl who you dated in High School?" He asked, frowning in obvious confusion. Frank was beginning "Didn't you say her name was-"

"Morello, yeah. But she was married" Frank replied.

"So her maiden name is Page?" Scott asked.

Frank just nodded uneasily.

"Shit, man" Scott said, leaning back against the seats in the booth. Frank took the photographs back from him, putting them back in his wallet. "Are you sure? Like you're 100% sure?"

Frank just nodded again, trying too hard to convince himself. "I've never felt the same about anyone as I did to her until now. It makes sense. As cliche as it sounds, it makes sense to me. She makes sense. I didn't think I'd ever feel that way again"

"That's a pretty big bomb shell to drop on someone, Frank" Scott said, staring at him uneasily. Frank felt just as uneasy as Scott did, the coffee in front of them not looking so good anymore. He was exhausted from just pulling up all the memories. "How come she doesn't recognise you?"

"I had a different name back then" Frank answered, clasping his hands together on the table as he leaned back in the chair. "I went by my full, Italian-born name Castiglione. Plus my full name is Francis, people just call me Frank for short"

Scott paused for a second, brows raising slowly. Frank eyed his response, wondering if he would confirm Frank's theory or tell him he was completely crazy. He was hoping for the latter. "Makes sense. That's mind bowing, Frank"

Frank just shrugged, "Well, with someone like that, you never truly get over them, do you?"


	21. roommates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: drug abuse mentions

"So, you might know happened?"

Frank sighed, with Scott following him down the road. He shoved his hands in his pockets, the wind whipping under his arms and sending goosebumps down his entire body. His head ached, the banging pulsating loudly. "No, Scott I can't possibly guess"

"The fucking dog pissed in my shoe" Scott exclaimed, causing Frank to turn around with a frown on his face. Scott's arms were outstretched and his brows raised. Frank wanted to laugh at his stupidity but he was too annoyed.

"That was it?" Frank asked, coming to a complete standstill in the middle of the street. Scott did the same, still staring at Frank. He scoffed loudly, walking off at a faster pace without letting Scott catch him up. "I can't believe you sometimes"

"It's a big deal!" Scott shouted, running down the road quickly to catch up. His bag fell down his arm and he yanked it off, bunching the handle up and holding it instead. "I need to get out of that apartment, Frank, I don't know how Mason stands it. I don't know how he can live with two dogs"

"Just go home, Scott. The house is in your name, kick Elise out" Frank snapped. "She has parents to go back to, or a friend with a shitty fancy house she can live in. She's from Brooklyn, they're all rich as dancing dogs"

"Yeah but you know what will happen then, don't you? She'll take Jesse with her and I'll never see him again" Scott snapped, throwing the bag back over his shoulder. Frank turned with a frown on his face, the two of them glaring at each other. Scott then shook his head, his frown disappearing. "I can't do that, Frank, I'll go insane"

Frank went silent for a second, pulling his hands from his pockets.He scratched the back of his neck, Scott walking ahead of him silently. Frank was usually the silent one and he felt awkward that Scott wasn't talking. "Don't bust your balls over this but, you can stay with me for a while, til you sort all this shit out"

Scott scoffed, turning back toward him quickly. His eyes widened and Frank rolled his instantly, now wishing for Scott's minute of silence. It was more pleasing, no matter how awkward Frank felt. "Seriously?"

"Don't overreact," Frank snapped, shoving his hands in his pockets once again. "I stay at Karen's most nights anyway so you can stay at mine. Just do not sleep in my bed, that's fucking weird"

"Why the fuck would I do that?" Scott asked, gleefully. He laughed, slapping Frank on the back loudly. "Thanks, Frank. Thank you. You're not going to regret this, I'm going to be the best roommate ever. I'll even pay you rent, I don't care!"

"Don't sweat it" He replied, "I have one condition"

"Is it a game changer?" Scott asked.

"You take Elise to court" Frank answered. "I can dig into that Mailman's background, find something that the court would red flag. They'd have to put Jesse with you, they wouldn't trust Elise to bring him up on her own. From what I've heard from you, Elise isn't a good parent anyway. You used to clock off shifts early to look after Jesse, cause she was out everywhere. And now she has a new guy? Come on, Scott"

Scott just went silent and Frank's phone ringing filled it. He pulled it out of his pocket and saw Karen's name on the screen. "You gotta do it, Scott" He put the phone to his ear, looking over his shoulder before speaking. "Hey, is everything-"

"Where are you?" She asked quickly. Her voice was quiet and Frank frowned instantly. He gripped the phone tighter in his hand, Scott turning toward him as he stopped speaking quickly. He tried speaking to Frank, but he frowned at him and pushed his face away from him.

"Around the corner with Scott, why?" He asked. Scott frowned, the two of them turning the corner and their building coming into view. Scott kept his eyes on Frank and he shoved him away once again, pulling his bag from over his shoulder and throwing it into Scott's stomach. "What's wrong, Karen? Why are you so quiet?"

She paused for a small second. "Carson is here"

\--

Frank practically ran up the stairs of his building, Scott following quickly behind him. He stopped at the top, almost out of breath when he saw Carson stood outside of Karen's door. He held a bag in his hand, Frank eyeing the size and trying to guess the contents. "So it's you again" 

Carson held his hands up in surrender. "Hey man, calm down" His voice was almost sheepish, considerably different to the last time he and Frank were face to face. He looked a lot cleaner and way more suburban in appearance too. "I came to apologise but she won't let me inside"

"I don't blame her after what happened last time" Frank snapped, folding his arms as he stepped toward him. Carson stepped away from him, shoving his hands in his pockets as he looked toward his feet. Frank grew angrier and angrier by the second. "I can't believe you'd do that to someone. It's just sick"

"Come on, you saw me I was out of my mind. I don't know why I used, I just did and it made everything worse. I'm not usually like that, I swear" Carson pleaded, looking back up at Frank, his brows knitted together. Frank could feel Scott's presence behind him and he knew that if things got physical, he'd be okay.

"Is that what Calissa Marriott would say if I asked her? Bought her onto the stand in court to send you down for domestic abuse?" Frank asked, watching him carefully to see if he'd falter. It was completely flawless, almost like a routine that he had practised.

Carson frowned, shaking his head as his eyes narrowed a little. "I'm sorry, I don't know who that is?"

Frank just stared at him, his mouth gaping at his stupidity. He then shook his head, walking away from him toward Karen's door. He looked the other way toward Scott and motioned toward Carson. Scott nodded, heading closer toward the both of them. Frank looked back toward the door as he banged. "Karen it's me, open up"

Seconds later, the door opened and Karen appeared. She held out her arm to Frank and he took hold of her hand, now in the doorway of her apartment. "Are you okay?" Frank asked, walking toward her just as she nodded, looking at Carson over his shoulder. Scott levelled with him, causing him to frown a little.

"Karen, please will you let me inside? I just want to apologise for what happened" Carson asked, "Then I swear I'll leave"

Frank was silent as he looked at Karen, who had a calculated look on her face as she stared at Carson. Frank then took a look at him, really analysing him as before everything was a blur. He wasn't even that attractive, his face and sandy coloured hair just quite bland. His brows were knitted tightly together as he looked at her.

"You can come in for five minutes" Karen said, her arms folded. "Then I want you gone"

Frank frowned, stepping in front of her so he couldn't hear them. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Hey man, I can taser his ass if it gets out of hand?" Scott offered, causing Carson's eyes to widen. Frank turned back toward them, Karen leaning forward to look at them. Scott shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets. Frank shook his head at him before Carson spoke up.

"He carries a taser around? Isn't that illegal?" He asked, edging away from Scott.

"Not when you're a police officer" Frank said, watching Scott pull his badge out and show Carson. He looked toward Karen, his mouth gaping in shock as he attempted to speak. Frank beat him too it. "Your five minutes starts now, man. Scott go get Thai food and go inside I'll be there soon"

Frank gave Scott 20 dollars along with his keys and watched Scott nod before heading back down the stairs of his building. The three of them then headed inside Karen's apartment. Carson took a look around, walking ahead of them whilst Frank held Karen back for a second. "Are you sure about this?"

"I'll just hear what he has to say" Karen answered quietly, tightening her arms together. Frank shoved his hands in his pockets, watching Karen look over his shoulder. He followed her gaze, watching Carson look around. "He seems completely sober right now so...I'll have him gone in 5 minutes"

Frank just sighed, "Don't let him use your naivety against you, Karen"

Karen shook her head. "I won't"

Carson finally turned toward them both and they headed over toward the couch. Karen sat but Frank stood behind her as Carson perched on the edge of the couch opposite her. It took him a few minutes to gather his thoughts and Frank stepped forward, placing a hand on Karen's shoulder. She placed her hand on top of his, stroking along his bruised knuckles.

"I've been going through a real rough patch since we split, Karen, which is why I was so wasted last time I came here. I had drug problems before but cleared them up as soon as I started seeing you. You know that. Last time was a one off, a mistake but I'm going to get help again" Carson began.

"Everyone says that" Frank asked, cutting him off. He took his hand away from Karen's, folding his arms as a certain tightness appeared in his chest. He tried suppressing it with his arms, digging deep into his chest until the pain was more physical. "It may be a mistake but it's never a one off"

"How would you know?" Carson snapped, shuffling about on the couch uncomfortably. "You don't understand what it's like, you don't know my life, do you?"

Frank ignored him, switching back to his previous subject and furthering it. "How are you getting help?"

"My friend showed me this good rehab centre by my house so I'm going to check in-"

"You can't" Frank snapped, frowning deeply.

"Why not?" Carson asked, eyes narrowed as he looked at Frank.

"Cause not only do I want you gone, but so does she. You check into a rehab centre, that's great for you, I hope you get clean, just not a rehab centre near here" He replied. "Staying away from her is the best possible thing for the both of you right now, trust me"

Carson frowned, ignoring Frank and looking toward Karen. He watched Carson's face drop completely, all aspects of his sudden anger toward Frank had disappeared. His voice was even heavy and he looked teary eyed when he spoke. "You really want me gone?"

She was silent for a second, "I don't know why it's so hard for you to understand, Carson. I've tried to tell you to leave me alone, so many times. I try not to hurt your feelings too bad but you just don't get my subtlety so I have to be blunt"

Carson instantly stood from the couch and Frank stepped in front of Karen quickly. He lowly feared the confrontation because it could hypothetically put him in hospital. And then what would he tell Karen? "I think I'm just gonna leave" Carson said, "Considering you don't want me here"

Frank frowned as Carson headed back toward the door and out. Frank walked after him, sticking his head out the door as Carson headed down the stairwells. He shut the door behind him, heading back toward Karen on the couch. "What is up with that guy?"

Karen just sniffed, shaking her head as she ran her hands through her hair. "Please," Her voice was heavy and dark, and it really struck something inside him. He was almost paralysed from it. "Please, just leave it Frank"

His face then dropped quickly and he headed around her legs and sat on the couch next to Karen. He leaned forward, taking a hold of one of her hands. She was hesitant but she let him closer toward her. "Hey, what is it?"

Karen wiped the tears falling from her eyes, frowning at the feeling before sniffing loudly. She pulled her hand away from his grip and he sat backward a little realising that she maybe wanted space. "I don't know, I just-" She stopped, reaching forward for his hand once again.

Frank was silent but tried to smile at her before pulling her into his arms and holding her close. He could feel her thumping heart against his chest and he sighed, his own heart thumping just as loudly. "How long were you with him?"

"8 years" Karen answered, her voice vibrating against his chest. She wrapped her arms around him tightly, her body falling against his as she relaxed a little. Frank wished he could do the same but the pain she was in was only doubled and piled onto him. "We got married 4 years ago"

"Man, that's a long time" Frank replied, thinking back to the longest relationship he had after his accident being one month. Pathetic, really. She was only interested in him because he was a cop and only tried it on because she had multiple felonies she wanted off the hook for. The whole precinct had teased him for a month after.

"I know" Karen said flatly, re-positioning her head on his chest. He placed a hand on the back of her head, running his hands through her hair. She gripped tighter onto him, grounding her hands into his back. It was a little painful but nothing he couldn't handle. "It was at least a year before I said something about splitting"

"A year?" Frank asked, a little gobsmacked.

She nodded. "It got really bad toward the end"

"What happened?" Frank asked, instinctively. There was a small silence and it bit at him a little so he spoke up again, shaking his head and shutting his eyes. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me, I'm just really nosy"

Karen shook her head, pulling away from him to looking him in the eyes. She tucked her hair behind her ears before sniffing once again. "Year 3 of being married, I got pregnant. You can probably guess what happened from there"

Frank filled with pain and he could feel his hands growing sweaty. Losing a baby as well as dealing with an abusive junkie husband? What hadn't Karen been through? He stared at her, mouth gaping a little as he felt winded. Frank swallowed, her face dropping as he looked at her.

"I'm so sorry, Karen" He began, taking hold of her hand in his own. A lump grew in his throat, trying to even begin to process what she had been through. He wasn't making it any better by staring and acting like it wasn't normal. "I had no idea, I-"

"It's not your fault" Karen replied, looking up toward him with a smile on her face. It was fake and forced and Frank knew the feeling all too well. He just wanted to scoop her up and take her from everything until she stopped hurting. If she ever did. "Carson blamed me for it and that's when things got ugly"

"I hate what he did to you" Frank murmured, his anger building tightly in his chest as everything became clearer in his mind. With what Karen had told him, it only drove him further into wanting justice and wanting Carson in jail. "I can't believe he got away with it"

"It's no big deal" Karen answered, pulling her legs up onto the sofa and away from Frank. She clutched her knees to her chin, avoiding his eyes as he looked at her with a frown on his face. He didn't understand how she could brush things off so easily, act like what he did was okay.

"It is" He snapped, lurching forward on the couch to look at her even though she was directing her eyes at the floor. "It's a huge deal. He doesn't get to treat you like that and get away with it, it's not right. It's not fair, something needs to be done about it"

"Frank," Karen snapped, looking up toward him with a frown on her face. Frank's frown dropped at her tone, the way she looked at him. He looked toward the floor awkwardly. "I told you to drop it"

He scrunched his eyes closed, shaking his head. She was facing away from him and he shuffled off the edge of the couch, grabbing his bag from by his feet. "Wow, I'm an idiot, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have opened my big mouth"

Before she could say anything else, he got up from the couch and began heading for the door, his bag trailing behind him. Letting her legs fall to the floor, the pushed herself around and looked at the door where he was heading. "Please don't go"

He stopped at Karen's voice and turned back to face her. She had stood from the couch and followed him, standing opposite him awkwardly with folded arms. Frank let his bag hang by his feet, shuffling about on the spot. Motioning toward the door, he said, "Scott'll be back soon, I ought to get back"

Karen stared at him, her hand flying to her mouth. Discomfort. Frank knew it too well. He headed toward her quickly, kissing her forehead before tucking the lose strands of hair behind her ear. He felt for the scar and kept his finger on it. "How did you get this?"

To solidify, to see if she'd lie.

Karen's hand flew to it, placing her hand on top of Frank's. "The scar? My brother pushed me down the stairs when I was 11 and I caught it on the edge of something. Still don't know what. How did you get the scar on your back?"

Frank froze. He knew Karen had seen him freeze, anyone with eyes could see that he froze. It was just a matter of recovering to make the act believable. He smiled a little, shaking his head and subconciously going to itch his lower back. He stopped himself. "How do you know about that?"

"How do you know about my ear? I never told you" she answered, folding her arms once again.

"I never told you about my back" Frank answered, a bit too matter-of-factly.

Karen frowned, laughing a little at his clear over reaction. Frank knew he was being ridiculous and so he looked toward the floor, away from her. "You sleep in my bed shirtless, it's hard not to notice. I didn't think it would be a big deal, I'm sorry-"

He shook his head, smiling once again. "It's not. You're right, it's not"

Shaking her head a little, amused, she kept her eyes on him. "Are you going to tell me then, or not?"  
"Another time," Frank said flatly, "I promise"

"That's your answer for everything" She said, cocking a brow.

"Because I don't like condensing everything into a few moments. Spread it out" Frank answered, placing his free hand on the top of her shoulder before smoothing down her am and taking hold of her hand. She found herself looking down at it, linking their fingers together. "And its bound to be a better experience"

"Whatever you say, Mr. Wisdom" She then replied, rolling her eyes as she looked back up at him. Frank smiled playfully, Karen just laughing at him. She then leaned up to kiss his cheek, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Frank hesitated to hug her back, not wanting to damage her small frame. Because he had learnt from past experience that everything he touched diminished in his rough hands all too quickly. They were not made for diamonds and beauty; only harsh tides and broken glass. Karen did not fit that category.

Marco was right. He was not made for loving.


	22. just for a little longer

"How am I going to know which of my dresses is the prettiest?"

Frank frowned, "The one you like best?"

Karen sighed, standing in front of her mirror on the outside of her closet. She looked at Frank through it without turning to face him. "But the one I like best, will not be the one you like best, so how will it be the prettiest? How will we decide?" She then turned, her eyes widening as she looked at the floor. "When did this become democratic?"

Frank eventually laughed as she held dresses in her hands with a frown on her face. He lay back on her bed, having kicked his boots off at the end, leaving them at the foot of the bed. "You know that whatever you wear, you're gonna look amazing"

"That is really not the case" She replied, a little flustered and embarrassed. Frank smiled gleefully, watching her cheeks heat up as she smiled at him sheepishly. He had always hated any sorts of shopping or picking outfits but this was like something entirely different.

"Quiet" Frank snapped, leaning forward on the bed. He pulled his legs toward his chest, his knees fitting nicely in the crooks of his arms as he joined his hands together. He shrugged as she looked at him, still holding her dresses up. "I don't care what you wear as long as you are with me"

Karen frowned, dropping her arms and letting her dresses droop at her sides. They creased, the bottoms piling up by her feet. She then placed them on the edges of the bed, sitting by them with her arms folded. "So you wouldn't care if I were naked as long as I'm with you? Sounds a bit far fetched if you ask me"

He rolled his eyes, beginning to move forward on the bed toward her but she stood again and began sorting through her closet for something else. He leaned back on his hands, a small pain sprouting at the bottom of his back due to the position. "You know what I meant. Now hurry up and change otherwise the only thing changing will be my mind on whether we even go out or not"

"Okay, fine. I'll pick something and I'll be out in a minute, go" She said turning toward him and pulling on his arm. He pulled away as she turned back toward the closets. Frank shuffled off the edge of the bed. Luckily her back was turned cause he grimaced in pain, sighing a little as he kissed her shoulder before heading out the room.

Almost on cue, his phone began to ring. Pulling it from his pocket, he frowned at the caller ID before raising his phone to his ear. "Dr. Rafferty"

Frank looked over his shoulder at Karen's bedroom door before heading across the apartment quietly. He lingered by the door as he figured it to be the further place from her earshot. Rafferty spoke quickly. "Hi, Frank"

"Let me guess, you have some important news," Frank joked, leaning his elbow on his arm as he crossed it over his chest. He began pacing the apartment quietly, feeling his hand beginning to grow sweaty. "You forgot to tell me that is indeed life threatening?"

He could hear Rafferty laugh over the phone, "No, Frank, I-"

"I've got six months to live?" Frank continued, looking over his shoulder toward the bedroom door. There was no signs of movement and he couldn't hear Karen moving either which most likely signalled she was still changing.

"I should hope not" Dr. Rafferty answered, laughing a little more. Frank tried to smile but realised it was irrelevant as he was alone. "I was just calling to see how you were doing with everything. Are your new pills working okay? Any problems?"

Frank had been taking them everyday, maybe a little more often than he should be but they kept the pain away for work which was what he needed. He was being cautious with them, making sure he wasn't going to fall back into his old routine. "Yeah, they're great"

"And how's work? You don't need a note do you? Because I can provide one-"

"No, Dr. I can assure you I won't be taking any leave from work any time soon other than for Thanksgiving. No medical reasons" Frank answered, keeping his eyes on the door to Karen's room in case she suddenly emerged. He was beginning to think of an excuse for who he was talking to.

"Nice plans for Thanksgiving?" Rafferty asked, showing a sudden interest in Frank's life. He frowned, nobody having done that much in the past other than Scott leading Frank to telling him to keep his nose out.

Gabriela, she is asking whether Frank will babysit so she and Mike can go out on Saturday.

"I'm travelling to Oregon with my girlfriend for her brother's wedding" Frank answered, shoving a hand in his pocket as he turned back toward the front door. He felt himself subconsciously shuffling around on the spot with anxiety. "Should be fun using a GPS for the whole trip"

Easy. Back up; his boss is calling saying she wants to discuss overtime. Pay checks and whatever overtime can be done between the squad during Thanksgiving. Frank would cancel, getting the week off to spend in Oregon.

"Those things are a nightmare" Dr. Rafferty laughed, "I can never get them working. Always end up phoning my daughter on the middle of the freeway asking her for help and I always end up on the side of the road looking like my car has broken down"

Frank wanted to laugh with him, share his mutual joy but something was stopping him. Maybe it was the fact they were on the phone and not face to face? Who knows. His mind worked in odd ways and sometimes it confused him just as much as it probably confused others.

"So, Frank can I see you for a check up when you're back from Oregon?" Rafferty asked.

"Sounds good to me" He answered, listening to Karen's footsteps walk across her room. His heart sped up quickly, swallowing hard in case she exited the room quicker than he could end the call. He exhaled slowly, trying to calm himself in case Rafferty sensed something was wrong. He didn't know how people could do that.

"Your Mother checked herself in for an appointment, Frank" He said, causing Frank to stop listening to Karen pace across the apartment. His eyes were focusing on the floor, the lines of the floorboards disappearing as his vision blurred. Everything in his body ran cold and he felt a little dizzy all of a sudden.

"Is she okay?" He asked, forcing himself to focus back in. He took hold on the wall next to him to steady himself, the sweat on his hands increasing. He scratched the back of his neck and sighed, trying to calm himself again. "There's nothing wrong, is there?"

"Just a good old case of weak muscles and joints, Frank. She's old, Suri, but she's tough. I'll keep you updated" He replied, "Doesn't seem like it could lead to anything serious but if it does, we've diagnosed it early and should be able to treat it"

Frank found himself nodding, even when Dr. Rafferty couldn't see him. His heart rate lowered, having completely forgotten about Karen possibly hearing the conversation. Frank began to walk to the kitchen and he pulled an empty glass, filling it with water. "Thank you"

The call ended quickly and straight away Karen emerged from her room. Frank shoved his phone in his pocket and turned his attention to her instantly. She had picked the dress that Frank liked best, even when she admitted it wasn't her favourite. "How do I look?"

Frank smiled. "Like an angel"

\--

"I didn't think you were serious about this, Frank"

"What?" Frank asked, pulling his keys out of the ignition and enclosing them in his hand. He turned toward Karen in the seat. She was looking ahead of him, out the window and toward the building he had pulled up outside. Frank followed her eyes before shrugging at her. "I like champagne"

"We could have gone anywhere else" Karen replied, messing with her hands in her lap. Frank looked toward her, frowning a little. His heart sunk as she looked sad. It was a complete mess with how lovely she looked and how down she probably felt.

"I want to go here," Frank answered, placing his hand on her shoulder to pull her attention away from the floor. He kept his eyes on her and she probably knew as she never looked up. "Considering now I know my shitty little brother owns the place, I wanna see if he'll give me a family discount"

Karen sighed, leaning forward a little with her head in her hands. "I can't, if that's all you're here for then please take me home. I don't want to sit at the bar awkwardly drinking whilst you try and antagonise Marco for the entire evening"

Frank frowned more, sitting up in his chair. His head spun a little and he stuttered trying to get the right words out in the right order. "No, Karen, it was a joke. I want to have an evening out with you. I want to spend time with you, Marco doesn't matter. He never did"

"Why?" She asked.

"Why what?" He asked back.

"Why doesn't he matter? Why do you hate him so much?" Karen asked, folding her arms as she leaned on her arm to face him. "Cause family is so important, Frank. You never know how long you have left with them so fighting over decade long feuds is ridiculous"

For some reason this made Frank think back to Dr. Rafferty calling earlier. His Mother checking into the clinic. Was she sick? Did Gabby know and not tell him? Was he being ridiculous? He had to be being ridiculous. He took a deep breath as Karen spoke again.

"And don't you dare say, "another time". Cause you prolong so many things I feel like I'll never get them out of you" Karen replied, a frown sticking permanently on her face. Frank knew he looked guilty and he cleared his throat.

He shook his head, his hands becoming sweaty and his throat closing tightly. He swallowed forcefully. Karen's face grew worried and he almost caved into telling her as she didn't look angry anymore. "If I tell you, it will ruin the entire evening. Trust me, Karen. I'll tell you later, I promise"

She just stared at him before sighing. "I'm sorry"

"Don't be"

"No, Frank, I am. I will be. Cause I obviously made you uncomfortable and I know I hate that and you probably do, too" Karen said, leaning forward and taking hold of his hand. Hers were warm and her thumbs caressed over his knuckles.

He just shook his head, tightening the grip on their hands. He placed his other hand on top of hers, looking up toward her. "It's okay. Please. It's okay. I just need to go and get really drunk and forget about some things for the moment"

Karen nodded, running her hand through her hair. "Yes. Let's"

\--

Frank didn't know what he had expected the inside of _Shay's_ to be like but he knew he had to pay a lot of money to get in. He didn't care.

The bar was super long, black and chic with minuscule lights along the top with so many different shelves behind with different coloured bottles aligned neatly across from the customers. There was a dance floor and so many strobe lights it hurt Frank's eyes whenever he looked over there, but Karen lead him over toward the far end of the bar. As they sat, he saw a door leading behind the bar. Probably where Marco is located.

"Which way do you come in if you don't use the main entrance?" Frank asked, looking around frantically trying to take everything in. Karen was walking ahead as she knew exactly where everything was. It was usually Frank that knew the whereabouts but he was completely lost.

"There's one on the side of the building that I use. I didn't start coming through the main entrance until Marco offered me a waitressing course" Karen answered. "I sort of miss the others who work in stock cause we all used to talk shit about everyone coming in, but, it feels great being a part of all this"

She led him to two chairs in the corner of the bar where they both sat. Once he got himself comfortable he smiled, placing his hand on top of hers. She squeezed it tightly, smiling back toward him. He then began peering at the menu of drinks. "Is there anything under 10 dollars here?"

Karen shook her head. "Go big or go home"

"That definitely sounds like Marco" Frank muttered, scanning the menu before scanning the prices. His eyes widened and he placed it back on the bar in front of them before scratching the back of his neck and looking toward her. "Looks like he doesn't mess around"

"I don't mess around. Show business or no business am I right?"

Frank spotted Marco who had appeared at the bar in front of them. He wore a black attire and had a white cloth over his shoulder. Frank sighed, looking back to the menu quickly. He looked and Karen's eyes were elsewhere. "Hi, Marco"

"When I saw "Castle" on the list I couldn't help but come up and visit. How are you, Frank?" Marco asked, leaning on the bar. Frank analysed what he was wearing and the badge with his name on with the word "manager" underneath.

"Good, thanks" Frank replied, re-positioning his posture and sitting further up as Marco seemed to tower over him. Karen still hadn't spoke and he kind of wish she would to drag him from the awkward conversation. "Thanks for giving Karen the waitressing course"

Marco frowned, leaning forward on the bar causing Frank to lean back at the lack of personal space he had. It was Marco's favourite thing to do. "Don't thank me, it was the least I could do for her. I think you'll be a great addition to the team" He said, looking toward Karen who just smiled toward him, not saying anything before she started looking at the menu.

"What can I get you then?" Marco asked, pulling a tiny notepad from the apron he wore. It sat in the pocket at the front and Frank shook his head. "Half price. But don't tell the manager"

Frank rolled his eyes at Marco's stupid attempt at a joke. Karen was still silent and Frank was growing impatient as Marco specifically took his time with just about everything. "You can cut the customer service act, Marco. It's just me"

Marco laughed, "What makes you think I'm acting?"

"Everything" Frank answered, folding his arms with a stupid smirk on his face. It matched Marco's and it made him look a little uncomfortable. Frank gave up and sighed. "Just drop it and get me the biggest bottle you have"

"Quite pricey" Marco replied, running it up on the machine in front of him. He smiled at Karen before he winked at Frank. He groaned a little in response as Marco leaned in toward him. "I love it"

"You did make it that way" Frank answered, shuffling a little in his seat. Karen just continued to look on the menu even though she probably knew what she wanted and Frank felt bad that she felt that awkward. "Don't complain otherwise I won't buy it"

"I'm not complaining" Marco replied, holding his hands up in surrender. He then laughed, putting the notepad back in the pocket of his apron. Frank looked back toward the menu once again to avoid further conversation. "I'll just be two seconds"

As he walked away, Frank sighed turning toward Karen. He rolled his eyes before looking back over his shoulder to see where Marco had disappeared to in case he heard what Frank was saying. "Never in my life have I seen him act like that"

Karen just shook her head, laughing a little. She looked awkward and Frank frowned as his head began to ache. He felt bad for her, felt bad that she had to work with someone so annoyingly patronising. "I've never seen any different other than at Mike's party"

Frank nodded, "That's the real Marco. Not this fake shit prick who supposedly runs _Shay's_ "

"Frank, you said you'd drop it" Karen answered, almost agitated.

"Sorry" He replied, drumming his fingers against the smooth surface of the bar. "I will"

She just placed her hand on top of his, causing the drumming to come to a halt just as Marco returned with two glasses and a bottle. The bottle was bigger than any bottle he had ever drunk from and he could hear it metaphorically smashing against his bank account.

"Please," Marco said, "Feel free to drink as much as you like. Preferably another bottle as well as this one. I hope you enjoy your evening"

"Thank you" Karen said, taking it from him as Frank has seemed to have zoned out. He was staring at the bar and she frowned, looking toward Marco briefly before back at the glasses in front of her. She poured into them and handed one to Frank. He zoned back in, looking toward her with a brief but forced smile on his face. She frowned.

"Cheers to us" she said, clinking her glass with his own.

"And to Scott for hopefully winning custody of Jesse" Frank replied, sipping from his glass with a rather large gulp. Karen sipped also, not as much as Frank did and she laughed at him as he placed the glass back on the bar.

Karen nodded, "Couldn't agree more. It really sucks what he's going through"

Frank shrugged, "Happens to a lot of people"

"I'm guessing that includes you?" Karen asked, cocking a brow. Frank avoided her eyes as he focused on the pattern of the bar. It was black with white specks. "Go on then, who was she? Who broke your heart so much that you didn't date again until now?"

∞

_Frank remembered the sign above his bed and the identical one placed at the foot of the bed to signify it was his room; his place to waste away: **FRANCIS CASTIGLIONE, FRACTURED SPINAL CHORD AND HAEMORRHAGE OF THE BACK. ADMITTED 5/18/01.**_

_He remembered Gabriela approaching him in the dingy hospital room. It smelt of antiseptic, having worn a gown for a whole week that probably smelt of piss by then. He ached too much to even breathe properly and he thought it would kill him. He remembered not wanting to die at just 18 years old._

_"Who is Toby Page and why is he calling your phone?" She asked, sitting in the chair next to his bed. His eyes were barely open but she was wearing a bright red sweater at the time. He could see her holding his phone in her hand and he wanted to snatch it from her instantly. Tiny almost 17 year old Gabriela Castiglione._

_"He called?" He croaked, attempting to sit up in the bed. The pain was too much, sending him spiralling into groans and gripping onto the bed sheets. Gabriela stood from the chair to stop him, but he had given up before she could do anything. He watched her sink back in the chair slowly, placing her hands on the arms of the chair. They looked hard and uncomfortable._

_"He told me Karen sends her deepest sympathies and will call you as soon as she can. She settled nicely at Princeton" Gabriela replied, a little sharpish. He sighed, wanting to succumb to the pills and fall into a deep sleep. Karen would call him in a few days - it gave him something to look forward to. Something to work toward as now his career was down the drain and he had no idea whether he would walk again._

_"Why is Karen Page going to call you?" She snapped, leaning forward and placing his phone on the bedside table. He could twist his neck round far enough to eye it, to see what messages may be on there. He was completely shut off from the outside world and it was agonisingly isolating. "What does she care about your accident? You don't even know her"_

_He managed a small scoff, his eyes resting nicely as he closed them. They ached, and the harshness of Gabriela's sweater against the solid whiteness of the room only made it worse. She had no bedside manor whatsoever but he also didn't have the heart to tell her to go away. He'd only somehow get the blame for it, even though he was lay in hospital, broken. "You'd like that wouldn't you?"_

_"Don't be stupid" Gabriela replied, "Did you know her?"_

_"We were dating, Gabby" He snapped. "Happy now?"_

_Gabriela sat up in her chair, staring at him with a frown on her face. He avoided her eyes, whatever she was about to say next bound to be judgemental and annoying. "No way. You wouldn't. You and Karen Page? That's ridiculous. She was the photographer for the school paper, how do you even know her?"_

_"Does it matter?" He answered, turning his head slowly to look at her. His eyes were narrowed but he was just tired. The drugs were circulating his system pretty fast, sending him into all sorts of mood swings she wasn't aware about and therefore was on the receiving end of them. "Does it make me look stupid or something? Just cause she was the school photographer?"_

_"It just seems like an odd combination" Gabriela replied, folding her arms as she slumped down into her chair. She sighed, seeming bored already and Frank was able to relax for a little bit. "Is all"_

_"I don't judge you and fucking Mike Carrillo" He snapped, grimacing a little as the pain in his body flared up again. "Do I?"_

_"I am not_ dating _Mike Carrillo" Gabriela snapped back. She glared at him, folding her arms somehow even further. He sighed loudly, wanting to rub his head but his arms being too weak to move. Gabriela leaned forward once again, "When did you start dating Karen?"_

_"Almost nine months ago" He answered numbly. He almost didn't want to talk about it - he didn't even know why he told her in the first place. It was something he was so used to keeping private, something people didn't even know about and didn't ask about. It was like their own little bubble, something for them to escape to from the world. How was the bubble supposed to stretch all the way to Princeton?_

_"You kept that under the wraps for a long time" Gabriela complained, frowning at him. He shook his head, his eyes rolling open and closed as he began to succumb to the drugs. Her voice became distant and she had to shake his arm to perk him back up. He forced his eyes open again._

_"She's special" He trailed off, staring ahead of himself toward the white walls opposite him. He could feel her eyes on him and so he shook his head. Everything began blurring into one and he could hardly hear her voice anymore. He frowned, "Gabby" he said, reaching outward a little toward her as he could feel her slipping away. "She's special. I don't want to share her with the world. I want her for me. Just for a little longer"_

_"Do you, you know-" Gabriela paused for a minute. "Do you love her?"_

_He was silent. He frowned, tears forming in his eyes for some odd reason. He never cried. He was so high on pills he didn't know what was going on with his mood swings. He sniffed, not wanting to move to wipe his cheeks. Gabriela leaned across and did it for him, stroking his face in the process. "Yeah. I do"_

∞

"Frank?"

He shook his head, looking back toward Karen. She frowned and he forced a smile. His normal routine kicked in and he swallowed tightly. "No-one. No-one at all"


	23. commissioner lepaul

Frank had no idea when _Shay's_ closed and at the point where he had spent probably over 100 dollars was the point he didn't care. He went to grab another bottle when Karen stopped him, a frown on her face. His vision was a little blurry and her voice was distant in his ears but he could tell when she placed a firm hand on his forearm.

"Frank" she said, loud enough so that he could hear. When he turned toward her, she was looking at him with a frown on her face. She tried to smile when she spoke but her voice only made Frank want to rebel harder. "Frank, you've had enough we should go home now, yeah?"

He just shook his head, yanking his arm away from her grip and grabbing the glass in front of him before downing the last of its contents. He began searching for a waitress, someone other than Marco, intending to order another drink. He looked back at Karen, shaking his head. "No way"

"You have said that three times now, Frank, I'm deciding it's time to go before we get kicked out and I lose my job" Karen snapped, leaning toward him with her head low and her voice even lower. Frank was a little shocked at her sudden change in tone and he frowned whilst staring at her. His every movement was extended by multiple seconds due to the drinks.

"Jeez" he practically shouted, noticing Karen flinch and roll her eyes as he did. "Take a chill pill, would you? I'm only having fun, isn't that what we came to do?"

"This isn't fun, Frank" Karen snapped, grabbing his arm to turn his attention back toward her. Frank felt something pull in his lower back and he almost groaned aloud. "This is worrying me. I have never seen you like this, did something happen? Is there something that's making you like this?"

Frank frowned, standing from his chair with a stumble, almost smashing his head off the side of the bar. His back ached, so badly as he stood from the chair and he grimaced, squeezing his eyes tightly closed. Karen steadied him, her grip still tight on his arm. Again, he pushed her away unintentionally. "Stop it" 

Frank snapped at her and Karen looked up toward him helplessly. She had no idea what to do to get him to listen or co-operate with her at all and he seemed to be slipping further away from sobriety and more towards anger and confrontation. She definitely knew _Shay's_ was the worst place for it. "Frank, please"

"I said stop it" Frank snapped again, louder and angrier which caused Karen to flinch once again. She backed away on her chair as Frank's arms flailed wildly as he attempted to pull away from her. It was such a strange outburst, something having obviously triggered Frank to react that way; she just didn't know what. "Leave me alone, just go cause I can't help you anymore"

Karen frowned, "Frank, you're not making-"

"I said leave me alone! Go! Just go" Frank shouted, "I just-"

"Frank" Marco snapped, having appeared behind the bar in front of the two of them. Frank hadn't even noticed which only made him angrier when he did spot Marco. He leaned over the bar toward Frank, pulling him closer. "If you don't shut the fuck up I'm going to have to kick you out of my bar, okay?"

Frank just laughed. Loudly and bitterly and angrily, most of all, and it scared both Karen and Marco watching his face consort into so many different emotions at once causing an ugly blended mixture. It didn't look like Frank. It was scary what alcohol could do to you. He held his hands up, making air quotes sarcastically. "Your bar" 

Marco frowned, "It is my bar"

Frank looked him dead in the eyes. "And who did you have to shoot to get it?" 

This sent Marco into silence and Karen looked between them. Frank's words were harsh and only confused Karen. Her eyes widened as she looked at them both, yanking on Frank's arm but focusing more on Marco as he was most likely going to make the most sense. "What? What- what does that mean? What does he mean, Marco?"

Marco gulped nervously and Karen noticed. He altered the cloth over his shoulder and re-positioned his posture before looking at her, shaking his head. "Nothing. Nothing. Frank I'm going to have to ask you to leave before I call the police"

Frank scoffed loudly, "You son of a bitch, you can't do that!" 

"Watch me!" Marco shouted, leaning across the bar with his hands gripping onto the sides tightly. Karen leaned back as it unfolded and Marco began shouting at him loudly. "Just cause you're the "police", Frank, doesn't mean I'm not scared to call them and get your ass fired"

The next few seconds were a blur to Karen, Frank having completely jumped the bar and landed straight on top of Marco before he began beating him to a pulp.

\--

Frank had always been on the officer side of an interrogation room, never in the offender seat. It was cold. Scott walked into the room after what seemed like hours. Frank had stared at the plastic cup in front of him for as long as he had sat in the room. The one way glass proudly shoved his flaws under his nose - the bruises on his face and the mess he had become due to the alcohol.

Scott sat in the chair opposite Frank, shuffling about awkwardly. He knew Scott wasn't that experienced in interrogation as he always had Frank by his side taking over the interrogation completely. He never objected so Frank just continued to do it. Scott obviously never thought Frank would be the one he is interrogating. "Frank-"

"Don't" Frank croaked, his voice raw and his throat itchy and sore. He shuffled further down in the chair, outstretching his legs with a huge sigh. His head was spinning and he desperately wanted to drink the water in front of him but he figured he may throw up again if he did. "Just save it, Scott"

Scott looked at Frank worryingly, biting his lip before he placed his hands on the table in front of Frank. He measly pushed the cup toward Frank. Frank eyed the papers in Scott's other hand instead, trying to read what they said but the lighting was not on his side. "You should drink that"

"I've already thrown up the entire contents of my liver, I don't think water will do any good" Frank answered, finally looking up at Scott. Scott looked back at Frank helplessly, clearly looking at everywhere Marco had beat him and how he was turning purple. Frank was used to it, used to looking unappealing. He never fit nicely into formal events.

"Karen is asking for you" Scott said, obviously scratching any sort of angles he was going to play beforehand. Frank wasn't feeling co-operative. He never was. Scott knew.

"Tell her to go home" Frank snapped, looking toward him as he felt over his bruised knuckles. His hand was coated with blood and the cuffs on his wrists were digging in harshly. He was practically bleeding everywhere. "In fact, take her home. I don't want you here, either" 

Scott rolled his eyes, leaning forward across the table and lowering his head to Frank's level. Frank glared upward toward him as he spoke. "Well I'm here whether you like it or not, Frank. You'll want me when LePaul turns up"

They stared at each other for multiple seconds before Frank could feel all sort of defence breaking down. His breaths became wobbly and it was evident in the room as Scott leaned backward. "I can't do this, Scott" Frank whispered, his voice cracking as he looked across the table at him. "I can't hurt her more than I already have. More than she hurt me" 

"She cares for you, Frank, and I know that you're not a strong believer in anyone having any sort of loving or caring feeling toward you but she does. She would not be sat in the precinct waiting area at almost 1am cause her dumbass boyfriend got his ass beat up if she didn't care for you. I know that"

Frank shook his head after a long silence. He tried to put himself in Karen's shoes, sitting in the precinct entrance waiting for him. She still looked effortlessly beautiful and Frank was a complete shambles. She should be ashamed to go home with him. "She's delusional"

"I think you'll find that you're the delusional one" Scott answered, scoffing. He shook his head before clearing his throat and looking at Frank. "She loves you, Frank, and everyone can see it. Everyone but you. So open your damn eyes, you fucking idiot. Time to go and see LePaul"

Scott couldn't stand fully before the door opened and Commissioner LePaul walked into the room. Frank was slightly scared by her, he had to admit, even though she was almost half the size of him. He subconsciously sat up in his chair and straightened his back out. 

 "Frank" she spat angrily. Angry but calm; an odd mix that she had mastered so quickly. It was the scariest thing either of them had seen. "What the fuck were you thinking?"

Frank immediately slumped back in his chair, shutting his eyes as he could sense there was a whole lecture about to unfold. His whole body ached, his back especially. He figured he'd be paying Dr. Rafferty a visit sooner than he thought. LePaul didn't sit in the chair opposite and that meant a lecture wasn't likely.

"I'm sorry" Frank croaked, rubbing his eyes awkwardly as he had to drag his other hand along with it. "It won't happen again. Can you un-cuff me now? I feel ridiculous"

"Too right" She snapped, walking around the room, supposedly menacingly. The only menacing thing was the echo of her boots in the cold air. "You're already skating on thin ice, Castle. If you weren't such a good cop in the right times, I'd drop you faster than Sardarov drops shit in the toilet" 

Frank eyed Scott as she said that and he was clearly trying hard not to laugh. He rolled his eyes, avoiding both Scott and Commissioner LePaul. His mind flicked to Marco, sitting elsewhere in the precinct, the only place where Frank was respected, tearing down his reputation. 

"Scott, un-cuff him. I want you in my office first thing on Monday, is that clear? And if you're late, even by a minute, I won't hesitate to strip you of your gun and badge and fire you" She answered. "Is that clear, Frank?"

He just nodded, "Crystal"

\--

Frank stormed ahead when the two of them retreated from the precinct, practically running all the way home ahead of her. He almost jumped up the stairs of their building to get to his apartment as quick as possible. He was avoiding all sorts of conversation until the next day, as it would be an easier barrier to break then. Scott had agreed to stay at Mason's just for that night. 

"Frank!" Karen called, her voice echoing through the building along with her heels as she climbed the stairs behind him. On the third floor, she took them off and began running. Frank was a whole floor ahead of her and she was closing in on him quickly. The lights above him were bright and he kept missing steps and almost planting right into them. Frank was fiddling with his keys rapidly when she reached the top flight. "Frank, talk to me"

She took him by the arm and he dropped his keys angrily and turned toward her. She flinched at the anger on his face, his brows knotted together. Stepping away, she watched him lean down and pick his keys up, trying to shove them into the keyhole as he spoke. "What, Karen? What do you want me to say?"

"I ran seventeen blocks to catch you. My feet hurt like you don't even know. So you're going to talk to me. You owe me answers, Frank, you promised" She snapped, her voice showing evidence of tears lodged in her throat. He stopped with the keys and stared at the door knob. Leaning his head forward, he shut his eyes as it hit the door. 

When he finally looked up at her, Frank ached when he saw her eyes glaze over before she sniffed. Karen clutched her free arm around her body to keep the warmth in. Frank had ignored the cold all the way home, jogging to keep himself warm. It had only just hit him. "You don't deserve it" Frank said quietly. "You don't deserve this, you deserve better"

Karen kept her other arm on Frank, noticing him un-clench his body after a little while of her staring at him. He sighed, leaning against the door before rubbing his eyes with his thumb and index finger. She stepped toward him once again, "I don't want that. I want you"

She pulled him closer toward her as he began to cry, wrapping her arms around him as the two of them sunk to the floor outside his apartment. They sat in a heap, the lowest of the low as the flooring of the building was cold on their bodies. A heap, but together. Frank's cries were heard throughout the whole building and he hated the echo.

He hated that everyone knew he was broken.


	24. 01/31/02

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: depictions of violence and domestic abuse mentions

Frank suffocated himself with a jersey overnight whilst he slept next to Karen. It was comforting. It covered what she couldn't know. And that was comfort enough. He rolled in the bed painfully, grimacing before he saw Karen sat up in bed next to him reading a book. "How can you sleep in that thing?"

She didn't look at him when she spoke and for that he was grateful; he wouldn't have been able to mask the pain. He told her the truth because he figured it would become a regular occurrence around there. He tried to smile, Karen's bedhead amusing him. "It's comforting"

The corners of Karen's mouth lifted a little as she took one hand off her book and placed it on Frank's head, stroking him. Her hands were soft against his rough and bruised skin, he wondered why she had stooped so low. "How are you feeling?"

"How come you're not mad?" Frank blurted, his throat raw and in desperate need of water. He croaked as he spoke and Karen frowned a little as he did. He cleared his throat before speaking once more. "It's bizarre, Karen. I'd have flipped my shit if I was you"

Karen finally placed her book down, tearing her eyes away from it and looking at Frank. He kept the duvet up toward his chin even though he was sweating like crazy underneath. He couldn't risk her seeing. "Cause I know that you have a version of events that I don't know about. You just have to tell me"

Frank quickly avoided her eyes, shifting again in the bed. His back was aching worse than ever but he had learned to mask things. Academy training taught you how to mask just about anything in front of the right people and in exactly the right times. "That's a bad idea"

Unfortunately, Karen had learned. She had begun to pick up on when he did it and questioned him about it. "Don't you trust me, Frank?" She asked, turning on her side and folding her arms as she looked at him.

"Of course" Frank replied, with minimal hesitation. He didn't even trust himself sometimes but he definitely trusted her. It was almost like a given, her aura and loving nature manipulated you into it in a good way. A safe way. "Of course I do"

"Then why won't you tell me anything?" She persisted.

Frank hesitated for a while, looking back up toward her finally. He just sighed, shaking his head. The worry in her eyes resembled his sister's, his mother's. Frank had a long list of people he didn't want to hurt but unintentionally did. Karen's persistence was going to earn herself a place on it. "Because I fear it will hurt you, way worse than it hurt me"

Karen placed the book on her bedside table before shuffling back into bed to level with him. "I've had my fair share of pain, Frank. You have way too much. It's not fair when you save yourself from a hurricane but leave someone else stranded"

Frank stared at her as she stroked his face, running her fingers across the bruise forming under his eye and the stitches on his cheek. He took a deep breath, steadying his voice as he had done way too much crying recently. It felt odd.

"My Father died when I was 18" Frank said, swallowing at the fact he had admitted it aloud. He hardly talked about it unless it was basically compulsory - in situations like this. "I didn't live in a wealthy neighbourhood, we couldn't afford to file suit against the guys who did it. My rep in High School was the only thing I had going for me"

Karen frowned, "Hold on, the guys who did it? He was murdered?"

Frank nodded. "Shot in the middle of the street whilst he walked our dog" He found himself smiling at the thought of the dog; his floppy ears and fur that could warm you in an instant. "He came running back to the house, dragging my Ma and I into the street. Gabby was at a friends house"

Around the same time there was a gang of pricks running the street. Stupid assholes, the kind who own guns and shoot dogs. Under our noses the whole time, good boy Marco was apart of their shitty little gang. He claims he knew nothing about it, but he had to have known something, Karen, he had to have known! They just got away with it, all of them, my family forgave Marco, they let him back into their lives just like nothing had ever happened and like it didn't matter that he was dead, that Marco could have been the one who killed him!"

Karen was crying and Frank was suffocating. Tears were forcing their way out of his eyes and his throat was lodged with mangled screams, the screams he had savoured since that night for when he got his vengeance. For when he would finally see justice for his family. Frank forced his hands into his eyes, trying to stop the tears but only agitating himself further.

She wrapped her arms around him quickly, his head falling into the crook of her neck as she placed her hand on the back of his head. "I have hated him since then, but my Ma and Gabby, they just act like Marco was never apart of anything. They still think he is a golden boy, but he's not, nobody is. I'm not claiming I am, and I am not much more of an excuse for a human than he is, but I try my hardest to do my bit for the community, I try to be the best police officer I can and Marco ruined that for me too"

"No," Karen said, "No, Frank he hasn't. He could never do that, your squad respect you too much. Look at Scott. He thinks the entire world of you. He would never take Marco's word over yours and you know that"

Frank just shrugged, pulling away from Karen and sitting up in the bed all too quickly, sending spirals of pain down his back. He groaned aloud, instantly regretting it as Karen 100% noticed and stood from the bed before heading around toward him. "I have to go"

"Frank," Karen said, appearing in front of him. "What's going on? Are you in pain?"

She knelt in front of him and Frank gripped the side of the bed harder as the pain in his back increased. He forced himself to stand up, grabbing his stuff and leaving Karen knelt next to the bed helplessly. He found his keys on the way out of her door, the slam causing the building to practically shake and the noise echo throughout the stairwells.

Frank opened the door quickly, shutting it and leaning against the cool frame just as Karen's door opened again. He listened quietly, shutting his eyes as the pain became unreal. She waited for a good thirty seconds, probably staring at the door Frank just escaped into thinking _wow, why did I ever get attached to this asshole?_

(She ran when she had the chance but Frank sucked her back in.)

Karen shut her door and Frank sighed. 

\--

"Why are we doing this?"

Frank sighed, rubbing his eyes for the fifth time. He then eyed the clock, wishing it to go faster so he could take more pills. The pain dimmed for half an hour, tops. It was getting worse. Tightening his grip on the steering wheel he looked toward Scott. "For Karen, Scott. We need to end him"

Scott just frowned, leaning back in the passengers seat before side glancing Frank. He pulled his phone from his pocket and began messing with it. Frank pulled up to a red light, leaning forward a little to see where he had stopped and how many people were crossing in front of him. "Not literally, though?"

Frank scoffed, muttering under his breath. "I wish"

Scott's eyes just widened; "You're scaring me Frank"

"Come on, Scott, it was a joke" Frank snapped, furrowing his brows as he turned toward him a little. He shook his head, looking back toward the road and tightening his hands on the steering wheel once again. The light flickered green and he continued driving quickly. "Lighten the fuck up"

"Okay, Jesus" Scott answered, crossing his arms against his chest. He glared at Frank before shaking his head in stupidity. Everything he said seemed to be distorted in Frank's mind which only made it 10x more annoying than it originally was. "Maybe you should try it too"

"Fuck you, Scott" Frank shouted, shutting his eyes briefly before focusing back on the road ahead. There wasn't many cars about as they had turned onto some side roads. "If you're gonna be irritating then I will stop this damn car and you can get the fuck out"

Scott rolled his eyes, groaning loudly as he took the small piece of paper with the address on from Frank's dashboard. Frank shoved him away as he leaned across the wheel to grab it. "Look, you're definitely not in the right state of mind to talk to Calissa Marriott so I'll do it"

The two of them pulled up to a small house on the corner of a one way street. Frank stayed in the car for a few seconds before taking a breath and retreating. He looked up and down whilst Scott continued ahead of him up the pathway toward the door. He didn't ring the bell until Frank joined him.

It chimed loudly through the house and they stood there listening to the footsteps approach the door. Seconds later, it opened and a woman with auburn coloured hair wearing a white sweater appeared. She smiled until she saw they were strangers and she frowned. "Can I help you?"

"Calissa?" Frank asked, cutting ahead of Scott. He felt Scott's eyes on him as he glared and but he never said anything. "Calissa Marriott?" 

She frowned, folding her arms as she leaned against the door frame. "Avensbrooke. Calissa Avensbrooke" She answered uneasily.  "Haven't heard "Marriott" in a while. Who's asking?"

Frank spotted the engagement ring on her finger above her wedding band. He reached into his pocket to pull his badge out, showing it to her. She eyed the two of them as Scott had done the same, "Sergeant Castle with the NYPD" He nodded toward Scott. "This is Officer Sardarov" 

Calissa just frowned, "The police?"

"We're sorry to disturb you unannounced but could we possibly ask you some questions?" Scott asked, putting his badge back in his pocket. He kept his hands there and Frank's eyes flickered onto him as he spoke. "As touchy the subject may be, we need to talk to you about your former husband, Carson Morello" 

Calissa's eyes widened quickly, "I'm sorry, I can't help you-"

She began to shut the door but Frank stopped her quickly. He shoved his foot in the doorway, placing his hands around the edges as she shut it. He leaned forward, looking through the tiny crack that was left. "Please. I need your help, someone close to me is in danger because of him. I need you"

She stared at Frank for a few seconds before opening the door fully again. He tried to smile but it came out as more of a tight wiry smile. Calissa sighed deeply, stepping aside from the centre of the door way. "My husband will be back in an hour, make it quick"

Frank and Scott headed after her into the house, Frank's eyes wandering around quickly. The house was quiet and considerably clean. Neutral colours painted the walls around him and he wondered why he everything was so plain and boring if she had a child. He was silent the entire time but Scott went ahead with Calissa and began speaking to her. 

"Who are you?"

Frank turned at the small voice, spotting a young girl in pyjamas with tiny zebras on the front stood before him. She was a blonde and had lost her front two teeth. He bent down to level with her, any type of anger he had bubbling inside of him fading quickly. "Me?" he asked. "I'm a police officer"

 She gasped, moving about on the spot. Her arms were outstretched everywhere, and Frank estimated she was about 9 years of age. He was only used to seeing 11 and 13 year old children as Jamie and Layla were the only kids he was ever around. "Really? Do you have a gun?"

Frank smiled, nodding. He then pointed to his empty holster and watched her frown a little as she headed up to him to inspect it. She was bold and brash, completely opposite to how Calissa had appeared at the door. She must have sadly got it from Carson. "Not with me right now but, yes. I do"

The little girl smiled, her gappy grin warming Frank's insides. Her tongue ran across the gaps as she could tell he was looking there. Frank couldn't help but smile back, her obvious kind nature radiating and affecting him. He didn't know how such a small human had such an effect on someone as big and misshapen as him. "Is the tooth fairy paying you a visit soon?" 

He pointed at her mouth and her hand flew up there straight away. Jumping on the spot she nodded wildly. "She came! I got two dollars and my mommy took me to buy some candy from the shop on the corner of the street"

Frank gasped, trying to recall if he had seen a shop on their route there. He was too busy shouting at Scott and being angry so he probably missed it. "Two dollars? Oh man, you could buy a car with that much money, why waste it on candy?"

She giggled, looking down at the floor before pointing her finger and wagging it in his face. He laughed at her attitude and the fact she was so confident in front of him. Most kids he came across were either scared of him or wanted to shoot him. "Don't be silly. Cars are at least three dollars, Mr Police Man"

Frank rolled his eyes, holding his hands up in surrender and causing her to laugh. "Whoops. My mistake. Actually, thinking about it now... my car was a lot more than two dollars. And the loud sirens must have cost at least three dollars. What's your name?"

"Lisa" She replied. "What is your name?"

"Frank" He replied, holding his hand out. "Nice to meet you, Lisa"

She shook his hand wildly. "Your hands are huge" 

Suddenly staring at them, he nodded. A frown appeared on his face and Lisa laughed, not realising that it was all real. His hands _were_ huge. "You're right. They are pretty big"

Lisa took hold of his hands again. She manoeuvred his fingers with her own and he subconsciously held the weight up for her. Pulling them up toward her face to inspect further, Frank shook his head as she poked his palms. "Frank. Are you the BGF?"

Frank laughed a little, "You mean, the big friendly giant?" He shook his head a with a disapproving pout. "I should hope not. He hasn't got any hair and his ears are huge. I can't have big hands and big ears, now can I? That's selfish"

She laughed again and Frank smiled at her, his cheeks beginning to hurt because of it. He hadn't smiled that hard for that long in such a long time. It felt good not forcing it. Again, someone so small had such a huge impact. He then figured that's why adults lacked empathy so much; their children stole it.

"Frank?" He turned quickly, spotting Scott stood behind him and he stood back up. His hands were in his pockets and there was an evident smile on his face that he was desperately trying to suppress. Frank noted to grill him about it later. He'd probably forget. "Ready?"

He just nodded, turning back toward Lisa for a second. She waved before running back toward the stairwell of her house. Walking over toward the table where Scott and Calissa sat only made Frank realise that he was maybe in the wrong place. He wanted to be with Karen. Even though it only put her in danger, Frank wanted to be with her so badly.

It wasn't about what he wanted, it never was. It was about what's best for Karen and Frank sitting opposite Carson's ex wife trying to send him down was exactly that. He took a seat next to Scott opposite Calissa at the table. She had placed two mugs of tea in front of them, Scott gladly sipping his. Frank hated the sight of it. He sipped at it anyway.

"We know from police records that you filed a domestic abuse complaint against Carson but it was rapidly dropped after his lawyer got hold of the case, is that true?" Scott asked, leaning forward on the table. Frank eyed him; he always looked so engaged in everything but Frank was always the worst at showing his engagement. Example; every class in High School.

Calissa nodded, taking a deep breath. "Oh man. Yes. I finally complained about him after so long hiding and thinking I could fix things only to get shot down by the cops. None of them believed me because Carson had such "convincing cases". He's sick! He made my entire life hell and none of them believed me" 

"How long were you married to him?" Scott asked, leaning closer slightly as he clasped his hands together. Watching him, Frank frowned as if he got any closer Calissa would probably be freaked out. He subconsciously straightened his back as Scott's posture was putting him to shame. 

"Five years. It started getting out of hand around our two year anniversary" She answered, sipping from a mug that was already on the table when they sat. Frank realised he had missed out on a drink as Scott also had an identical, cream coloured mug in front of him. "The police claimed there would be a trial and everything but it got completely shut down when he got involved"

"Who?" Scott asked quickly, "Who got involved? Carson's lawyer, do you know his name?"

Calissa frowned a little, moving her hands about in front of her face as she shut her eyes. It reminded Frank strangely of Karen and he swallowed hard, something inside him anchoring his feelings to the bottom of his stomach. "Something Pollack, maybe Joseph?" 

"I've heard of him" Frank said, finally joining the conversation and placing his elbows on the table. He placed his chin in his hands, scratching his beard. "No wonder the case was shut down, everything he does is dodgy and he's this close from getting his practise shut down"

She nodded, "He never seemed quite right. Every time something would happen, when he came to the house I was never allowed in on their conversations or whatever was happening. I was always in the dark and it happened so many times over and over and I got sick of it so I confronted him about it"

 "Wait, so you're saying there could be other women he has done this to?" Frank asked, his attention fully on Calissa. "These dodgy meet ups could have been for those reasons, women chasing him down wanting to prosecute him or take him to court but Joseph Pollack took them all down" 

"Makes sense" Scott replied, looking between the two of them. Frank nodded toward him, motioning toward the door to signal that they should leave. That was the one thing he and Scott had completely locked into place: unspoken language. "Thank you, Ms. Marriott. Your time and information is greatly appreciated" 

They both headed out the front door as Calissa showed them out and Frank turned back toward it for a second, spotting Lisa peering out of a window. She waved at Frank, causing his heart to swell once more as he waved back. Scott just laughed at him a little but Frank ignored him, shoving his hands in his pockets as they headed back to the car.

"Joseph Pollack it is then" Scott said, sitting back in the passengers seat. The leather from the seats was cool on Frank's back that now felt like it was on fire. "I didn't even know he was still a practising lawyer. I swear he got busted years ago and the county took all his stuff cause it was illegally imported or something"

"Do you believe everything you read, Scott?" Frank snapped, his bad mood instantly switched back on as he touched the wheel. He sighed as he rubbed his temple. "Illegally imported or not: he won't have much left once I'm done with him, that's for sure"


	25. analytical vulnerabilities

"Guess where we're going today?" 

Frank tried to block Scott's voice out with his duvet as he headed into Frank's room. He pulled the duvet up further, shoving it over his ears and scrunching his nose up. It was cold and he wasn't used to it. Scott's voice somehow managed to worm its way through and irritate him anyway.

"What did I tell you about the "no coming into my room cause it's fucking weird" rule? Fuck off Scott it's like 8am" Frank shouted back, not bothering to look out from the duvet. He didn't want to move or pretty much do anything but he knew he had to go to work soon. 

"It is 10am, and if you looked out from under your pit of despair, you'd see that I'm in the doorway with not even one foot into your room" Scott answered. One of the cons of letting Scott move in was the fact he made Frank on time to work every day. Frank was only capable of doing that on good days, and today wasn't one of those. "Fairwood Courthouse, Frank"

Frank sighed loudly, pushing the duvet off him and turning in the bed. He saw Scott in his doorway, a smile on his face. It only made Frank roll his eyes harder and grab the other pillow from the empty side of his bed to stuff back over his face when it was deemed necessary. "What about Fairwood, Scott?"

"We're looking for someone at Fairwood for the Danny Hephner Case but guess who else's office is there?" Scott asked, leaning against the door. Frank groaned at how loud and bluntly he was speaking, tempted to throw the other pillow hoping it hit him right in the face.

"Don't care, honestly" Frank replied, turning back over. He decided against throwing the pillow, placing it back on his bed before his head hit his own. He shoved the duvet back on top of him, his body exposed to the cold air sending goosebumps down his back. It throbbed.

"Joseph Pollack, Frank. Carson Morello's "lawyer"," Scott answered. "Don't supposed we get a little lost looking for Danny Hephner's lawyer and pay him a visit?" 

\--

Buttoning his jacket, Frank headed up the many steps leading to the courthouse. The building was ancient and crumbling in places and Frank would be lying if he didn't wish that it fell on certain lawyers and criminals that sat inside and killed them. The crooked ones. Scott immediately followed with a case file in his hand. 

"What are you gonna say to him, Frank?" Scott asked, side glancing Frank as the two of them headed through the glass doors. People ran everywhere through the lobby, on their phones and holding case files. Scott eyed them as Frank marched ahead.

Frank shrugged. "Something"

"Be careful" Scott whispered, side glancing him.

"I'm always careful, Scott. You can't be a good cop if you're not" Frank replied as they approached the front desk. Frowning at the floor, Scott sighed as they stopped. "Hi. Sergeant Castle and Officer Sardarov from the 41st precinct here to see Miles Cromer about the Danny Hephner case"

"Does Mr. Cromer know of your visit?" 

Frank nodded, holding his hand out to Scott to take the case file from him. He pulled a letter out, sliding it across the desk toward the receptionist. "As far as I know Camille LePaul contacted him beforehand to let him know we'd be visiting to talk about his client"

"Certainly. Mr. Cromer's office is on the second floor" 

Frank dismissed himself and headed off quickly, Scott almost running to keep up. He took the case file back from Frank's hand as they headed for the stairs, tucking it under his arm neatly. Frank still had hold of the letter. "How are we supposed to know where Pollack's office is?"

Frank frowned, looking at Scott with a scoff. "You think I haven't encountered Joseph Pollack before?"

Scott slowed a little but Frank's walk was still consistent and confident as he headed up the stairs with the letter file in his hand. He had a good 20 minutes before the pain in his back returned and 3 hours before he could have more pills. It was a countdown set inside his head constantly. A countdown he didn't know he needed.

Frank stopped on the first floor and headed right down to the last office, Scott following sheepishly as he kept looking over his shoulder every two seconds. Frank knocked just as Scott stopped next to him before walking straight in. The door almost slammed in Scott's face and he headed inside behind him.

The man behind the desk was not at all what Scott expected and he frowned as he was laid back in his chair, papers piling on his desk with three different mugs scattered amongst it. Looking around, the entire office was messy and it made Scott's skin crawl. "Mr. Pollack" Frank said, approaching his desk all too confidently.

"Sergeant Castle," He replied, sitting upright before standing and holding his hand toward Frank. Scott watched the interaction between the two of them, watching the way Pollack changed almost everything about his current situation the minute Frank entered the room. "I didn't think I had a meeting with you today?"

Frank smiled tightly, raising his brows a little. He kept his hands neatly behind his back, watching Pollack awkwardly pull his hand away and sit down. His posture slumped once again, and the fact it was all and act became so clear to Scott. His eyes then flickered toward Frank. "You don't" 

He frowned, looking upward at Frank as he laid back in his chair. Pollack clasped his hands together and they rested on his knees. Scott  then saw his eyes lock on him and he directed his own at the ground. "So who is this?"

"Officer Sardarov" Frank replied. His voice was so neutral and calm and Scott eyed him as he spoke. It was different and a little scary because he couldn't really tell what Frank was about to do next. It was such a good masquerade. "Top member of my squad"

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Pollack" Scott stepped forward clearing his throat a little before looking back at the ground. He could feel Frank's eyes on him so he kept his posture upright and his shifty looks to himself. Pollack couldn't speak again before Frank got in there with his accusations. 

"I've recently come into some information about you, Mr. Pollack, information that really makes me wonder why you're not in jail for committing a federal crime" Frank approached the table menacingly and Scott wondered just exactly how it made Pollack feel if it freaked him a little when Frank wasn't even talking to him.

Pollack frowned before laughing a little, leaning forward in his chair. He leaned his elbows on the table as if to level with Frank without actually standing and levelling with him. Oddly, it worked. "What are you talking about?"

"Carson Morello, is what I'm talking about" Frank snapped, stepping forward. "You threw one of his cases because it wasn't in his favour and there is bound to be evidence to prove it if I dig deep enough. Calissa Marriott will testify to it also"

"Carson Morello?" Pollack asked, "I haven't seen him in a long while"

"That's not the point" Frank answered. "The point is that he beat a woman that he called his wife senselessly and you dismissed it like it was nothing. He got away with it again, Pollack, he did it to my girlfriend. You think I'm going to let him walk? I want him to burn in hell. And he could have if you had done your fucking job correctly!" 

"Frank" Scott snapped, pulling on his arm quickly. He stepped toward Frank as he raised his voice, grabbing his sleeve before he could step closer to Pollack. He figured Frank would end up punching him if there wasn't anyone holding him back and Scott now knew his use in the room.

"What is your problem?" Pollack snapped, pushing back in his chair as it rolled across the floor and away from Frank. "I did my job correctly, I defended my client and won the case" 

"The case was never won, it was thrown out. Not enough substantial evidence to have a fair trial. What about the bruises on that little girl? His daughter? How could you defend someone who did something like that?" Frank shouted, now leaning on Pollack's desk. He shoved some things off of it, causing a loud crash on the floor. "How?"

"Shut up! Shut up, or I'll have you thrown out" He stood from behind his desk quickly, heading to the door and shutting it properly. He then headed back toward the desk and sighed loudly. Scott eyed the things Frank had thrown on the floor; a broken picture frame with a picture of himself and a little girl. "Carson is a violent man, I'm sure you know that"

"A bit of an understatement, don't you think?" Frank replied, folding his arms.

"And I'm sure he's threatened you more than once" Pollack continued, his voice still sharp and snappy even though he had calmed a little. He then sighed, rubbing his forehead before looking at Frank. "He paid me off to throw the case. Cause it was bad for his image, it was bad in general and he knew he had a high change of going to jail. I'm a lawyer, it's what I do. So I did it" 

"You let an abusing criminal go free because he paid you?" Frank laughed bitterly, his eyes narrowed. "Should have seen that one coming. It's all about money with you, isn't it? You absolute fucking moron, you've ruined two lives because you let him walk free! All for a bit of money? How could you be so fucking selfish?" 

"Alright enough of the name shaming" Scott snapped, heading forward in front of Frank. He knew that if he didn't stop it now, Frank was bound to lose it and blood would end up all over Frank's shirt. LePaul would definitely have their asses if that happened. Scott didn't really know where he was going but he started talking. "Carson threatened you, right?"

"Many times" Pollack replied. "It's in his nature" 

 Frank sighed, "You don't say"

"Shut up, Frank, I'm speaking" Scott snapped, looking at Frank angrily. He never said anything only sighed exasperatedly in response. Scott then focused back on Pollack, nodding toward him. "Exactly, and you don't represent him anymore?" 

He shook his head, "He fired me years ago" 

"And now you know what an abusive asshole he is, you'll agree to help us?" Scott asked, raising a brow as he looked at him. Frank's eyes were on him once again and this time he was frowning at where Scott was going. He figured Frank would attack him afterwards as they didn't discuss any of what Scott was doing.

Pollack hesitated and frowned both at the same time. "Help you with what?"

"Giving us the evidence we need to send him down" Scott said, gently easing his way closer toward the desk. He had now overtaken Frank but done it in the least menacing way possible. Pollack wasn't freaked out by it. "Cause with what you have told us about the pay off, he could be sent down easily" 

Pollack's frown only deepened as he looked at Scott, sitting back in his chair. He scratched the bottom of his chin, it making a weird crackling sound. Scott realised that Frank did that exact thing way too often. Pollack finally gave in, pulling his chair closer to the desk and sitting back upright. "What do you need me to do?"

"Give a statement in full of what happened, any receipts or exchanges about the money transfer and the file of Carson's case all handed over to the police" Frank cut in, after calming himself from his outburst. He figured letting Scott speak for him was wise and the time he'd had in silence had made him realise how rational and calm Scott was and how it was working on Pollack.

"Signing myself over to the police? Why on earth would I do that? Nice fucking try, Castle, they'll put me away for sure" Pollack snapped, looking at Scott in complete idiocy. Frank rolled his eyes and looked toward Scott to see how he would worm his way out of the situation and rope Pollack back into the deal.

"We'll cut a deal. You'll get five years tops. Out in 3 with good behaviour" Scott answered, looking toward Frank for confirmation. He just nodded, knowing that wouldn't happen and that Pollack would go down for a lot longer than Scott let on. 

They needed Pollack's information and the only way to get that was ironically to lie to him. It would only help in the long run. Pollack never answered, hesitating slightly as he looked between them. "I'll do it. Just to see Carson Morello go down. You're sure this will work?"

Scott smiled a little. Frank found himself smiling too at Scott's victory. They looked toward each other, their silent communication so strong that they didn't even need to discuss what would happen to Pollack, what trap they had roped him into. They were both thinking exactly the same. Turning back to Pollack, Scott spoke. "Most definitely" 

Frank's phone began ringing in his pocket as they left the room and he pulled it from his pocket as Scott walked ahead of him. Instinctively he went to answer but when he saw Karen's name on the caller ID he hesitated. The call rang out because he stared at his phone for so long and he stopped in the middle of the hallway. Scott had turned and walked back toward him.

"Karen?" He asked.

Frank just nodded sadly.

"Something happen between you two?" Scott asked, Frank falling in time with him as they walked back down the hallway. He could feel Scott's eyes on him and he just buried his head further into the ground, making sure to keep any sort of emotion bottled.

He just shrugged, holding his hand out toward Scott for the case file. Once he handed it to him, Frank opened it and pretended to look through and fill himself in before they got to Miles Cromer's office. "It's not a big deal"

"Sure it is" Scott said nudging him a little with his shoulder. Frank glared at him once he did and he then realised it was the wrong move. He continued talking anyway. "You seemed pretty down this morning also you never stayed at her place, so I figured something was up" 

"Don't be so analytical of my life, Scott, it's weird" Frank snapped, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. A part of him knew that Scott meant well and the fact he paid attention to Frank's life and his relationship with Karen was bigger than what anyone else had ever done and it warmed his heart ever so slightly. 

"I'm a cop, Frank, how can I not be analytical?" Scott answered, laughing a little. On the other hand; another part of him wished he'd fuck off and mind his own business. But he didn't say it. "Now come on otherwise Miles Cromer will cancel on us and LePaul will be out for our asses; again"

 Scott walked ahead once again and Frank slumped behind. He watched Scott head around the corner toward the stairs as other people passed him and  Frank rummaged in his pocket for his pills. He looked at the clock on his phone, a text from Karen distracting him.

**Recipients: You, Karen**

**Karen:** _Please call me back when you see this, we have to talk. I don't want you to shy away just because you felt comfortable enough to reveal what you did and put your vulnerabilities on display. It takes guts and I am so proud of you for doing it. It makes me so happy that you feel comfortable enough to do it in the first place. I am only here for you, I am not your enemy. You are wonderful and vulnerable at times just like the rest of us. It does not make you weak. Please call, Frank. My always overheated apartment is cold without you. I love you._  



	26. blue and faded

He trudged through the building with the case file in hand, the boots he was wearing causing a loud echo along the walk. When he'd bought them, he'd bought them with a click so he made an entrance wherever he went. He stared ahead the whole time, his hands growing sweaty around the file as he was actually nervous.

He hadn't been nervous since he asked Karen out on a date.

Frank headed up the stairs toward the more superior part of the precinct, looking around at how much cleaner and more professional it was. He also noticed at how little he had actually been up there, other than for getting lectured. He was never up there being praised, always shit on. The only good memory up there was when he was promoted to Sergeant. 

Commissioner LePaul's office was right at the end of a long and intimidating corridor, that Frank had to force himself to walk down alone. Usually he at least had Scott with him. The other offices along the way all stared at him as he passed and he felt as though he was completely out of place. When he knocked on the door, the reply was instant and he walked in quickly.

"Frank" She said, looking up from her desk completely. She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose before sitting upright in her chair. He could tell she was shocked to see him and he wasn't really surprised since he'd branded himself a bad reputation around the place recently. "What can I do for you?"

Frank held the yellow envelope up in his hand. "Joseph Pollack"

"What about Joseph Pollack, he is a successful lawyer who I have worked with many times. Care to continue?" She asked, folding her arms. Frank wondered how she kept the posture up as after sitting up for 30 seconds he begins slouching. He also wondered if Pollack had paid her to kiss his ass when he's not around.

"He's a fraud" Frank replied, realising he had put it in the most blunt way possible. He figured LePaul would lecture him once again for being so rude about something he had no clue about. He sighed, trying to smile. "In the nicest way possible"

"Don't try and sugar coat it, will you?" She replied, almost jokingly as she sighed at him. Frank almost laughed in bewilderment as she attempted to crack a joke but he knew she would say something that would probably put him in bad mood. Shaking her head, she frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"He was paid by an abuser to throw a case slated against him so he would not be taken to court and possibly put in jail for it" Frank answered. He then placed the envelope down on her meticulously clean desk. Sliding it toward her, he kept a firm hand on it."I have all the details right here"

"Who is the offender?" She asked, pulling the envelope toward her. He let it go and put his hands behind his back because he figured that if she knew he trusted her, she'd go easier on him and he'd have a better chance at getting clearance and access to everything he needed.

"His name is Carson Morello, he abused his first wife and daughter and his second wife after she miscarried" Frank replied, swallowing the huge lump growing in his throat. Her frown hardened as she looked at him and he knew she could tell. "Personally I think they deserve justice and if you hear their stories and see their scars you'll think the same"

"How long have you been working on this?" She asked.

"A couple of months" He replied. "I am this close to catching him out, I swear it"

"Why didn't you bring it to me when you first got intel on it? I could have the whole thing thrown out and your badge taken away for tampering with evidence" She snapped, folding her arms as she looked up toward him. He took a deep breath as he could feel his anger rising. 

"It wouldn't be tampering with evidence when it's not an official case yet" Frank replied, folding his arms to match her quickly. "I never bought it to begin with because the first ideas I had you would have thought were ridiculous, to be honest"

Her eyes narrowed. "Go on"

"I thought Carson Morello was responsible for my attack in the alley outside my building. His ex wife who he has been harassing lives next door to me and I thought that he maybe, somehow figured out we were seeing each other and attacked me but now saying it aloud makes it sound ridiculous" He answered.

"Is this the woman who keeps turning up in reception waiting for you?" She asked. "The one who you make Joni on the desk send away and tell her you're on a "leave of absence" if she ever came looking for you?"

"Yes" Frank replied, swallowing hard. When LePaul said it and set the situation out right in front of him, he did realise it sounded a little ridiculous. "She has had many encounters with him which I think speaks for itself when I say he won't leave her alone"

"This is a heavy and personal case, Frank. Especially to you. Are we going to have problems if you begin bringing this into work? Abiding by actual rules?" She asked, shoving the papers back into the envelope and looking up toward him.

"Definitely not. I know how to separate work from personal affairs and this case won't be any different" He answered. "I know I've screwed up in the past and I know how tired you are of all my shit. And I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my cool but I was having a bad time. And even though it's still bad now, it's died down a little. So I apologise"

She was silent as she pondered his words, narrowing her eyes multiple times as she stared across at him. His heart had started beating, quite fast and he didn't really know what to make of it as she kept her eyes on him. Finally, she nodded. "Thank you for your apology, Frank. Who else knows about this case?"

"Scott Sardarov" Frank answered, "He's been helping me an awful lot get to the bottom of things and help me build up a case we were sure that you'd take on. I wouldn't have been able to do it without him, to be honest. That's all"

She nodded. "Then the case is yours. Inform your squad of all the details on Monday and get them started up on any new leads you have. Most importantly; do not let me down"

\--

When the two of them pulled up outside her house, there was two cars there instead of one and Scott frowned as he and Frank retreated from their car. On their journey there, Frank had looked through all the messages Karen had sent him recently. He could tell she was getting less and less interested because they were shorter, snappier and did not end in "I love you" anymore. It hurt. But it would heal.

"Whose car is that?" Scott asked as Frank joined his side. They both looked toward where the car was parked on the driveway. It was a harsh blue colour; striking in such a dull and small neighbourhood. It almost looked like it didn't belong there.

"Didn't she mention she had a husband last time we came?" Frank replied, shoving his hands in his pockets as they approached the front door. Scott rang the doorbell and it was only mere seconds before someone answered. There wasn't much noise from the house, like last time and Frank guessed that was down to Lisa being an only child.

It wasn't Calissa who answered the door only an average looking business man. He was tall, taller than Scott but about the same height as Frank and he frowned at the two of them. For a Sunday, it was a little odd that he was wearing a shirt. It was blue and faded. "Can I help you?"

Frank cleared his throat and began speaking as Scott made no effort as he just stared up at him in confusion. Frank knew he hated being small, hated that the rest of the squad were all taller than him and made fun of him for it. "Sergeant Castle and Officer Sardarov with the NYPD, you must be Mr. Avensbrooke?"

"Yes, Nick Avensbrooke" He said, holding his hand out for Frank to shake. Scott then did the same, somehow still looking at how he was so tall. Frank analysed him silently, noting the fact he had a strong shake, huge shoulders and a friendly smile. So different to Carson. "Has something happened?"

"We visited your wife a few weeks ago wanting to talk about Carson Morello and we have obtained new information on the case that we said we'd keep her updated on" Frank continued, shoving his hands back in his pockets. "Is it alright if we come in and talk to her?"

"Oh sure, please" Nick stepped aside and the two of them walked inside the house. Frank's eyes couldn't help but wander the room before following Scott into another. "We were just eating lunch, but if this is important we can stop?"

As Frank turned the corner he saw Calissa sat at the table with Lisa to her right and an empty space next to her which was obviously Nick's. It was so perfectly nuclear Frank felt rude interrupting. He looked at Scott awkwardly before back at the table. He only returned the feeling. "Sergeant Castle" she said. "Is everything okay?"

"Would it be okay if we talked alone?" Scott asked, watching Calissa rise from her seat and head toward them. Frank was a little struck on what to say as he suddenly felt embarrassed so Scott speaking was the best move for all of them. Frank looked around the kitchen whilst the exchanged happened, eyeing the tiny china figurines that sat in a cabinet to his left. On the outside was a picture of the three of them in a frame holding three different slots. The others were pictures of Calissa and Lisa and a wedding picture of Calissa and Nick.

"Of course, follow me" She said, heading through to the kitchen. There was a door on the opposite side to where they entered which she headed inside. Scott followed her before she disappeared and Frank shuffled on behind. His eyes kept wandering and he wondered why he hadn't noticed any of this before, why it was so intriguing to him now.

"Frank!"

He turned quickly to see Lisa kneeling on her chair, her clothing hanging in her food as she leaned over the table. He could see Nick leaning across the table himself trying to stop her from covering herself. She waved frantically at him and Frank smiled, waving back before he disappeared into the other room. He shut the door behind him.

"Has something happened with Carson? Did he do something else wrong?" Calissa asked, talking in a low hush.

"Not that we're aware of, but, your information on Joseph Pollack helped us a lot" Scott said, laying the case file on the counter in front of them. "Sergeant Castle and I spoke to him about the case you filed against him and why it was mysteriously dropped. Carson Morello paid him to figure something out and get it thrown out so that he could walk free"

Calissa's face dropped eagerly. Frank could see the hurt on her face but it was soon masked with the realisation that Carson was an absolutely disgusting human. "I knew it. I knew money would be involved. He was so tricky, so sneaky with his money, with my money!"

"Pollack agreed to hand everything over to the precinct and give a statement in full of the exchange. We also have any type of evidence of Carson exchanging the money. So this alone could put him in jail once we build it up enough" Frank replied.

Calissa sighed, shutting her eyes as she clasped her hands together. Scott smiled at Frank who nodded back at him in response. Calissa smiled too, wiping her eyes of tears as she looked toward the both of them once more. "Thank you"

"Just doing our jobs, Mrs. Avensbrooke" Frank answered, shoving his hands back in his pockets. "I am so sorry he got away with what he did to you and your daughter but I can assure you that we will get him and he will never be able to hurt anyone again. And that will be down to you"

"Thank you, Sergeant. Thank you, both for updating me, I didn't think you were going to come back" She replied, looking between them. Frank didn't realise she would be this emotional but then thinking about how long she has been waiting for justice, it explained it all.

"We'll keep you further updated with the case once any new developments occur. But for now, go and enjoy your lunch with your family" Frank responded, folding his arms. She looked at him with a smile and he could just about return it. "You deserve it"

The door that Frank had closed opened once again and Nick appeared in the doorway, Lisa running into the room also. Calissa headed over toward him and hugged him tightly, running him over what had happened.

Lisa was at Frank's feet and he bent down to her level with a smile. It hurt, but not as badly as it would have with his old prescription. Things were doable, but the pain wasn't gone. "Did you bring your gun with you today?"

Frank sighed. "Sadly no. I'm sorry to disappoint, but I promise you'll see it one day"

Her face beamed and Frank could see her two front teeth beginning to grow back through. He couldn't help but smile too. The happiness sent tingles all over his body as it was the most he'd had recently. Him and Scott in the apartment was kind of depressing and down. "Really?"

"Only if it's okay with your Mom" He answered, looking up toward Calissa. She and Nick were still hugging but talking to one another, only in low whispers and mutters and he couldn't hear what they were saying. He suspected she was filling him in. Their relationship looked so healthy; all their secrets out in the open. "Are you going trick or treating this year?"

"Yes! I'm dressing up as a magical ninja witch who can do special powers with her broomstick but kick the big baddies butts" She replied. "Mom is making my costume soon and I'm going to buy a huge broomstick because the one in the closet is too smelly and dusty for me to use" Frank laughed, looking to the ground before back up at her.

"Well you tell your Mom to bring you to the police station because I'll be outside handing out candy to all the good little girls and boys who come and visit. Sound good?" He replied, cocking his brow at her.

"Yes!" Lisa squealed, throwing her arms around Frank's neck. He wrapped one of his arms around her, feeling like he would crush her with the weight of two. She was so small and fragile and she felt so close to him that it warmed his heart over and over. They were merely strangers and Frank had never even thought about having kids. But ones delightful as her made it all worth while. "Thank you for fixing my mommy. She used to be so sad until she met Nicky"

"Then shouldn't you be saying thank you to him?" Frank answered, listening to her thumping heart on his chest. It was so fast and out of beat with his own it almost took his breath away.

"But you made the bad man go away" She answered, her arms still tightly around his neck. "You made it better. You made them happy. Thank you" Lisa answered, somehow gripping Frank tighter and laying her head on his shoulder.

Frank just smiled as Scott looked down on him with a grin. "It was my pleasure"


	27. class president layla carrillo

"You're gonna miss the start of the game if you don't hurry your ass up, Frank"

Frank sighed as he clutched his phone closer to his ear and looked toward the counter where people were being served in the Thai food place. The people behind the counter were running their asses off and he should be grateful but they just didn't seem to be moving fast enough. "It's not my fault, Scott, the food is taking forever"

"Well tell them that the Black Hawks won't wait for you and I'm fucking hungry" Scott snapped before ending the phone call abruptly. Frank frowned, pulling it from his ear and staring at the screen. The home screen stared in the face and he sighed angrily.

"Fuck you, then" He muttered to himself, spotting a text from Karen appear on his phone. His frown softened a little and he opened it. Frank's heart began pounding, the guilt of not replying already eating him up inside before he had even read what she was bound to plead today.

**Recipients: You, Karen**

**Karen:** _Come on Frank, if I did something wrong please tell me so I can sort it. I'm lonely and I miss you. So much._

He shoved his phone in his pocket, hearing a loud crash as it dropped to the floor of the take out place. Someone tried to walk past him but ended up bumping into him. Frank yelled aloud, the pain shooting right down his spine and bundling up at the bottom. The person who tried to walk past him bent down to pick Frank's phone up before handing it to him. "Sorry man"

Frank grimaced, gripping to the side of the wall as hard as he could. Everything went spiralling into one his head spinning and the pain overtaking his body. Once he opened his eyes again, he saw the guy stood in front of him with his phone held out toward him. He grabbed his phone quickly, "So you fucking should be"

Shooting Frank a weird look, he headed out the door quickly. Frank sighed, feeling tears threaten to spill as the pain became too much. His phone buzzed again, causing him to groan as Scott's name appeared on the caller ID. He ended the call and shoved the phone in his pocket as his name was called.

He dumped a twenty dollar bill on the counter and grabbed the bag without saying anything and stormed out the door. Everywhere was busy and he seemed to keep knocking into people, only worsening his mood and the situation. The pain got worse, too.

Once he finally reached his apartment, Scott was already blasting the football game loudly and he didn't hear Frank enter the room. He dumped the take out food on the counter before rooting through the drawers quickly. He pulled the box of pills out and opened it. There was two remaining and Frank cursed loudly before popping them open and swallowing them dry.

He poured a glass of water for after and leaned over the counter quickly. His head was spinning once again, all the city life swirling together in his head along with everything at the Thai place. It all piled up inside him and he felt like screaming as his chest tightened with the load.

"Frank?"

He didn't bother moving as Scott muted the game and headed over toward him. He could feel his footsteps pad across the apartment and Frank could tell he would do something wrong if he wasn't careful. Instead, he took a deep breath, titling his head to the side to see Scott looking at him with a frown on his face. "What?"

"What's going on? Are you okay?"

Frank managed to nod. "Yeah, I'm good. What did I miss?"

Scott hesitated with his reply but once he did speak, it was loud and at a fast pace. Frank was somewhat thankful for it, not really wanting to talk about what had happened and what was going on. He knew it would all meltdown if he did. "Sanders was sent off with a red card and people in the stands startled rioting!"

Frank managed a small scoff of laughter as Scott went into the refrigerator and grabbed another beer. Frank eyed the pack left inside and noticed how many were missing. Linking it back to Scott's automatic buzz when he spoke, he frowned and followed him. "How many of those have you had?"

Scott frowned in response, matching Frank before popping the cap off and taking a long drink. He watched Scott, wanting to take one for himself and let the toxins soothe his sudden meltdown. He figured it was anxiety but he had never been able to label it before when it had happened. "Does it matter? Pass the food over"

"It does matter when you said you'd come to the doctors office with me this weekend" Frank answered, pulling two plates from his cupboards. He turned back toward Scott and saw that his face had dropped as Frank held a plate toward him.

"Shit, Frank" Scott answered, finally taking it from him and placing it on the counter.

"It doesn't matter, I can go on my own" Frank replied, pulling plastic boxes from the bag and opening them to see what was inside. He knew exactly what he ordered every time and knew the packaging by heart so he wasn't really sure why he was checking. "I'm not an eleven year old who needs someone to speak for them to the doctor"

Scott just laughed, holding the beer bottle with both hands and beginning to twiddle his thumbs. Frank had placed his food on the plate next to his but Scott was yet to pick it up. "Jesse is like that. I used take him for small things like a sore throat and he still looked at me to do the talking"

Frank watched him deflate, swallowing another load of beer before going to the food. He picked the plate from the counter and headed toward the couch in front of the TV. Frank began clearing away so that he didn't have as much to after they ate. "Have you set a court date yet?"

Scott nodded his head. "Sometime around Thanksgiving. My lawyer went with me to see Elise and Jesse and he talked to him asking about living situations and bullshit. Jesse said he would rather live with me because he doesn't like Elise's new partner. So that's sort of a win, right?"

Frank nodded, ignoring the fact he was supposed to be spending Thanksgiving with Karen. He figured he'd have to let Gabriela know that he would be going to hers beforehand because she liked to prepare in advance. "That's good, Scott. Elise can't get round you as easily now. The judges eat that shit up and they'll do what Jesse wants. You've got this"

Scott shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know if I should do it, if I should put Jesse through it all just for a probable joint custodial result. Is it really worth all of the shit? I'm just gonna end up completely alone by the end of this"

"Don't talk shit, Scott. You've got this. I'll be here for you, okay" Frank replied, ignoring the pulsating pain in his back as he headed over to the couch. "You say you're alone when you've got me, right here, in front of you. You blind?"

"Are you going soft on me, Frank Castle?" A small smirk appearing on Scott's face as he shuffled about on the couch next to him. Frank instantly felt the panic rising again but this time he had better control over it and was able to keep his cover going.

Frank scoffed. "I'm hard as nails Scott. You'll never see me go soft on anyone"

Scott just laughed, chugging from his beer once again. "I'm sorry but that's just unacceptable. Everyone has a soft spot somewhere inside. I'll figure you out, Frank"

"Scott I know you better than you think I do so your small tactics and not-subtle hinting at things won't work" Frank answered. "I hate to break it to you, but if you haven't figured me out yet, you never will. Sorry buddy"

Scott looked across at him. "You see, I'm the same inside and out, like you so clearly say. But you, Frank, you're like two different people at home and at work. How do you do it?"

"Just takes a lot of self loathing surrounded by people who judge and annoy you, and of course, practise" Frank replied with a small fake smile as he sipped at a glass of juice. The beer on the table in front of him that belonged to Scott was tempting him too much.

"Surely you don't hate everyone that much?" Scott asked, frowning at him.

"Honestly? If I could delete the entire human race and live in peace, I probably would. Sparing my family" Frank said, focusing back on the TV for a minute. The game wasn't muted, but the volume quiet and he couldn't really tell what was going on.

"Even Karen?" Scott persisted, his eyes still on Frank. Frank was still focusing on the TV because of it. the discomfort beginning to rise up inside him. He wondered if Scott could sense it. He wouldn't push as far as he did if he could. "I know you guys are having problems"

"There's no problems, Scott, just space. Keep your nose out of it" Frank snapped.

"Then why won't you answer any of her calls or texts?" Scott asked.

"Is that any of your business? No" Frank spat. "So stay out of it"

"Don't end up like me, Frank. Sleeping alone on your friend's couch watching football, drinking my responsibilities away whilst eating Thai food. Lying on the broken shards of a relationship fucking hurts" Scott answered. "All this time you've given me advice on my problems, let me do the same. We can benefit each other"

Frank stared at Scott as his phone began ringing. He pulled it from his pocket and stood from the couch whilst placing his food down, heading toward the bedroom as he answered it. "Hey, Gabby what's up?" He asked, shutting the door and laying against it as he let himself deflate a little. He only ached more and shut his eyes in pain.

"Hey, Frank. Layla wanted me to call you so she could talk to you" Gabriela replied, a tinge of annoyance in her voice. Frank could imagine the exact scene that had gone down between them before she had given in and called him. "She has something exciting to tell you so I'll put her onto you, okay?"

"Sure" Frank answered, making his way over to the bed and sitting down slowly. He placed his free hand on his knee to steady himself as he did, feeling the relief flood through him as he sat back and relaxed a little. His body naturally slumped, the excess weight sitting on his spine and the pain piling up quickly.

"Uncle Frank?" Her voice was so gleeful and happy that Frank couldn't help but smile. He could picture the smile on her own face and he eyed the door in case Scott followed him to continue their discussion.

"Hey Layla, how are you?" He asked, switching his phone in his hands before pulling his shirt up a little on his back. It felt on fire and the cold air in his room soothed his skin just that little bit. He rolled his eyes and grimaced painfully; this problem was slowly perishing him.

"I was voted class president today!" Layla exclaimed in response.

"What?" Frank shouted, gasping in fake disbelief. The good thing about being such a good liar was the fact it worked with Gabriela's kids. Anything he pulled seemed to amaze and satisfy them. "That is amazing, Layla. You better boss all of those smelly boys around and show them who runs the joint"

She giggled on the other end, Frank pushing the phone closer to his ear as her voice went a little quiet. He could hear someone else talking in the background, probably Gabriela or Mike. "I'm only in charge of making people tidy up and stuff. But you get to wear a special badge which is really pretty and blue"

"Well now I want to see it so you tell your Mom to send me a picture of you wearing it, okay?" Frank asked, now scratching the bottom of his back lightly. It relieved a little of the fiery feeling overtaking him and the sweat gathering everywhere.

"Can we do it now, Mom?" Layla had pulled the phone away from her ear and began talking to Gabriela. Frank listened in carefully, laughing a little at their static conversation. There were crackles on the other end and Layla returned. She sighed. "Mom says after dinner because it's ready now. I have to go now"

Frank shoved his phone between his shoulder and ear as he reached behind him and placed his hands on the small of his back. They were cold and it sent tingles up his spine which caused him to sigh with relief. "Go eat your dinner madam president otherwise Mom will tell me off"

She giggled again, static and other noises filling the air down the phone. Frank heard Scott yell from the other room and he rolled his eyes as the volume of the TV increased rapidly, the Black Hawks' referee being the only voice he could hear. "Bye Uncle Frank"

"Bye Layla, I love you" Frank replied, but she had already gone. Frank grabbed one of his pillows and threw it at the door, causing a loud thud. Scott got the message and turned the volume back down to minimal. There was a second of silence before Gabriela returned. 

"Hey Frank" She then said, sighing loudly. She seemed fed up and Frank knew he was bound to get an earful of her hectic day. Sometimes just listening to what she had been through tired him out. And most of the time he hadn't done anything. "I know you're probably watching the game and I tried to tell her that but she wouldn't listen"

"It's fine. Don't worry, the game doesn't matter" He replied, thinking of how hungry he was once his stomach rumbled to let him know. He now regretting storming off to his room without bringing his food with him. Scott would only mock him if he went back to grab it. "How's Jamie doing?"

"Not so good" Gabriela replied sort of hesitantly. Frank could hear the sadness in her voice which wasn't usual for her. Even when she was sad, she knew how to hide it. It was a common factor between them and something they'd both mastered well. "He's having bully trouble at school"

Frank frowned quickly, "Jamie's getting bullied?"

"Indirectly" Gabriela responded, clearly picking her words carefully. Frank knew there was more to be told but she was probably in earshot of the two kids. "Another kid is being bullied and Jamie stood up for him. So instantly, the bullies come for him too. You know the drill"

"Which kid?" Frank asked, "I'll find the parents and-"

"Don't, Frank. Don't use your upper hand to dig around in things that aren't involving you. His name is Jesse Sardarov but you're not allowed to do anything. His parents split up or something and the other kids taunt him for it, say that his parents don't want him. Bullshit really"

Frank stared out the window of his room, having turned around on his bed, eyes blurring over as it sunk in. Something Scott probably didn't know about because Elise kept it on the down low. He then looked over his shoulder and looked toward the door that Scott was sat behind. "Right"

He could picture her frowning, it went with her tone. "Are you okay, Frank?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" He asked in response.

"Because you went real quiet and I can read you like a book," She said. "I know when you're lying"

Frank rolled his eyes. "Goodbye Gabby"

Before she could respond, he ended the call and headed toward his bed and sat on the edge. It creaked in the silence and Frank held his phone tightly in his hand. Switching it from one hand to the other, he unlocked it and hunted through his contacts. Pulling Karen's up, he held his finger above the call button.

He stared at it for too long before locking his phone and shoving it back in his pocket. He headed back toward the door as he heard Scott cheering at the game. Shoving all new knowledge to the back of his mind, Frank sighed loudly and forced a fake smile on his face as he emerged back toward Scott. The same old routine that Frank never tired of. It was flawless.


	28. two piles of rubble

Frank almost fell asleep sitting in the doctors waiting room but the crying of a baby opposite him kept him awake. His eyes were scrunched closed, head in his palm as his leg bouncing anxiously. He awaited his name to be called and he found himself flinching every time the door clicked open and closed.

He wondered why there was so many people if Dr. Rafferty was a private doctor and how some of these people had gotten into his surgery. Frank remembered it being quite busy when his family first got in when he was just 8. Maybe business had plummeted and Rafferty had started taking on anyone.

"Frank?"

The door had opened and Rafferty stuck his head around, beaming at Frank. He stood from the chair and headed toward the door. Frank remembered how bright the sign on the front was but now the words _Dr. Harrison Rafferty_ were more faded than ever. Just like Rafferty's spirit, in a way, his old age showing.

Rafferty took a seat behind his desk, as slow as ever as Frank shut the door behind him. There was a calmness sitting in the room that Frank always felt when he entered. It hung in the air like a whole other presence. But it was nice. "What can I do for you, Frank? I thought we weren't scheduled in again until after Thanksgiving in Oregon?"

Frank sighed, sitting in the chair opposite him slowly as his back began to throb. Rafferty was a kind man, someone who remembered all the little things about everyone. He was solely invested in Frank's family and remembered things going back 20 years. "Thanksgiving in Oregon is sadly a no go anymore"

"What happened?" Dr. Rafferty asked, leaning forward and taking his glasses off.

"Things got in the way" Frank replied, "Baggage"

"Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, Frank. You've been a charming man ever since I met the only eight year old who spoke for himself to a doctor" Dr. Rafferty smiled and Frank laughed a little, burying his head in his hands. "I saw you get out the chair in the waiting room, it looked painful. Is everything alright?"

Frank paused, staring at Dr. Rafferty and contemplating what to tell him. His face was calculating Frank, and it scared him that he knew when he was lying or not. It was scarily accurate most of the time. "No, not really. I need a new prescription, I've run out of my first batch and to be honest with you, it's not really helping"

Rafferty frowned, "How so?"

"It takes the edge off for twenty, thirty minutes before it's back. Even then, it only dulls my pain before it comes back fully. I'm constantly in pain and it's wearing me out. I'm beat by the end of the day" Frank answered, his voice raspy and croaky. He was ready to sleep, ready to drop down right there and then.

"Well, I can see that straight away, you looked asleep out there. Second, I'm giving you a leave of absence to take to your boss that will give you two weeks off work" Rafferty responded, "Don't try and argue, it's an order. Your boss will understand, I can give her a call if you like?"

Frank shook his head, "No, I can't, I have to go to work"

"They have other Sergeants at the 41st precinct, Frank. They can cover you for two weeks whilst you rest. Something you urgently need. As for the pills, I can prescribe you with something stronger which should take a huge chunk of the pain off instead of just the edge. However, you have to stick to the guidelines because they are stronger. You can't take more than necessary or less than necessary otherwise the cycle will be messed up completely. Sound good?"

Frank nodded, leaning forward a little. "Sounds great"

Rafferty was silent as he wrote the note, handing it to Frank after signing the bottom before typing up on the computer in front of him Frank's prescription. It printed in the machine next to him and he handed it to Frank. His hands shook as he held it out toward him and Frank eyed them. "Thank you" He answered, balling his fists as he stood from the chair. He shoved the papers into his back pocket before shaking Dr. Rafferty's hand.

"Come back if that doesn't work and we'll go from there. See you, Frank"

Frank exited his office and pulled the papers out to flick through them as he headed back through the lobby. He eyed the doctors note, scanning through what it said. Rafferty's signature was big at the bottom of the paper, the letters swirling fancily. He then scrunched it in his hand tightly and threw it in a passing trash can.

\--

Frank found himself exhausted once he reached the top of his building, stopping on the last step to regain balance and to rest for a second. He pulled his keys from his pocket and opened the door, shuffling inside the apartment and instantly looking around for Scott. He was nowhere to be seen but Frank spotted a note left on the counter.

_Gone to Jesse's football game, be back around 3?_

He placed the note back on the counter before sighing and laying on the couch. He stared at the ceiling and thought of Scott and Jesse, wondering whether Gabriela and Jamie would be there and they would make the connection. He hoped not otherwise Scott would be angry at him for not telling him about the bullying in the first place.

Frank hadn't realised that he had fallen asleep and was woken to the banging of Scott waking around the apartment after he had returned. Frank jolted violently, yelling aloud once he realised it would in no way make his back better. He also needed to take more pills as sleeping for however many hours he did let them wear off.

"Why are you so loud?" Frank snapped, forcing himself up on the couch. His head was spinning with dizziness and his mouth tasted of an odd warmness. It was always the same when waking up. His body felt warm and he didn't understand why; everywhere in his apartment was cold.

"Good evening to you, too" Scott replied, messing with just about everything in the kitchen. All the noise he was making only made Frank grouchier and it was loud in his ears even though Scott was hardly doing anything. "How did it go with your doctor?

"Fine" Frank answered, sighing as he scratched the back of his neck. The bag that he'd gotten from the pharmacist was still pretty much sealed on the table in front of him. There was an open box next to it. "He gave me a new prescription that is a lot stronger than my old one. Works a lot better, my back isn't in half the pain it was before"

"Good" Scott answered, heading over toward the couch as Frank had swivelled his legs over the edge of it, placing his feet on the cold flooring. He missed Karen's apartment. It was always warm and he hated to admit it. "Jesse's team won the football game"

"Great" Frank replied, "Good for him"

Scott stared at Frank as he sat across from him. Frank was zoned out completely, staring at the blank TV, not even bothering to move. Scott frowned, making a purposeful noise just so Frank would flinch. He did. "Are you okay? I thought you'd be more pumped after getting a new prescription, that maybe your mood will pick up now you're in less pain"

Frank nodded, rubbing his hand over his eye before sighing. "I am happy, I'm just-"

He was interrupted by a knock at the door and because he and Scott were both inside, his first reaction was to panic at who it may be. Both of them were silent as the knocking paused for just a moment before continuing louder and harder. "Frank? Are you in there?"

He closed his eyes, sinking back into the sofa as he realised Karen was calling his name through the door. The anxious feeling crept up on him once again, his heart spiking so quickly in his ears. Scott looked between Frank and the door, beginning to rise from the couch. "Scott?" She then called. "Are you here? Do you know where Frank is?"

Frank's eyes opened quickly as he caught Scott's facial expression. He shook his head toward him continually, standing from the couch and beginning to head toward the bedroom. He gripped Scott by the arm as he passed, whispering, "You tell her I'm not here and you send her away"

Scott shook his head, "This is getting stupid, Frank, you have to talk to her one day"

"Do it, Scott" Frank snapped lowly, letting go of Scott's arm and heading toward the bedroom. He shut himself in leaving a small crack in the door as Scott shuffled his way across the apartment and opened the door.

"Hi Scott" He heard Karen's voice speaking hurriedly, worriedly and he shut his eyes, shaking his head. She sounded in distress, something Frank could have possibly prevented if he'd gotten over himself and talked to her. 

"Hey, Karen" He heard Scott pause for a while, and it ruptured his inner peace. Luckily, he then continued. "Frank isn't here right now I think he's at his sister's or he might be doing overtime, I'm sorry" Scott answered, causing Frank to sigh quietly. His voice was heavy and clearly disappointed and Frank could spot it a mile off - he just hoped Karen wouldn't.

"Oh" Karen replied, the tone of her voice indicating a frown. Her brows would pinch together, a small pursed smile appearing on her face. Frank would smile. Not anymore. "Right okay. That's a little weird cause I checked down at the precinct and they told me he was on a leave of absence?"

Scott then paused a little and Frank balled his fists, wondering if he was about to be busted. He couldn't remember if he'd told Scott about the "fake" leave of absence he'd created at work in case Karen headed down there looking for him. Clearly, his instincts were right. "Oh yeah, he just has the flu, it's no big deal"

"Oh right, is he okay?" Karen asked quickly.

"Yeah he's going back to work tomorrow" Scott replied.

"That's good" She hesitated and he could practically put a pin through the awkwardness in the air. He knew Scott would hate him for this, hate him for making Karen feel so sad. "I'm glad he's feeling better. Well when he gets back can you tell him that I stopped by? Also, tell him to call me or just come over?"

Scott mused in agreement but Frank couldn't hear what he was saying. He was pretty sure he heard something along the lines of "dodging calls" which was never good. He didn't want Karen to feel that he was doing it out of spite, she had to know that he was doing what was best for her.

"Yeah," Karen replied, "He's been dodging them for a while now and I just can't seem to catch him. His hiding tactics are too good for me" She laughed, but it wasn't genuine. More of an awkward laugh, a laugh for when there is nothing else to fill the conversation with. Frank was definitely familiar with those.

"What happened between you two, anyway?" Scott asked, Frank almost storming out there to stop him. But he clearly couldn't. He almost didn't blame Scott for asking as Frank had avoided telling him too so he was obviously curious. 

"Nothing" Karen replied. "That was it, nothing. I don't know what I did wrong. If I did anything, he didn't leave any hints or anything. He just opened up to me and I was as supportive as I could be and he just ran from it. He ran from me"

She had stopped talking but Scott hadn't replied either and Frank heard her sniffle a little. He stared at the ceiling, mouth gaping a little as his body ached more and more, just from what was happening on the other side of the door. "Frank's not good with opening up to people" Scott directed, "Most of the time you haven't done anything wrong, he just needs time to wrap his head around things, then he'll be back"

"It's been too long, Scott. I'm starting to think he'll never come back" She answered.

Clearly Scott didn't know what to say as he said nothing. Karen sniffled more, Frank gasping for more air as his throat became dry. His eyes had glazed over in the process of staring and tears dropped onto his shirt. "Anyway," She said, sniffing loudly and her voice becoming muddled by something. "I'll leave you alone, you don't want a random crying woman on your doorstep, do you? If you could just tell him I stopped by, that would be awesome"

"Of course. I'll tell him to call you, I promise. If you need anything, we're here" Scott replied. There was a small hesitation and he figured Karen had walked away but Scott spoke once again. "I'll be here, even if Frank isn't"

Karen must have visibly agreed as she said nothing. The door creaked as Scott was clearly heading to close it. Frank held onto the door knob behind him, wanting so badly to hold her once more and stop her from crumbling to the ground. "I just want to know he's okay. That's all"

But how can one crumbling tower fix another without becoming a mess of rubble?


	29. hartley apartments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: depictions of drug abuse

**VOICEMAIL INBOX: (4 Unread, 18 Total)**

_"Frank, it's me again. Please call me back. I know you're probably sick of my whiny voice just as much as I am. I just want to know if you're okay. I-uh. I love you"_

The dial tone was too familiar to Frank as he flicked through the messages.

_"It's Karen, Frank. Please call me back. I love you"_

The digital numbers on the clock in the patrol car changed as he flicked through.

_"I called round at the precinct today and they told me you were on a leave of absence. Are you okay? Please just let me know, soon. I love you, Frank"_

He sighed, rubbing his eyes with his gravelly thumb and index finger. It hurt and his eyes grew sore.

_"Frank if you don't call me back soon I'm going to lose my fucking mind. Please. I will go to Gabby's or- or, I'll find Scott, hell, I'll even ask Marco. I just need to know if you're okay. Call me"_

Frank placed his phone on the dashboard in front of him, leaning further back into his chair. He sighed loudly, pulling the small packet out his pocket, emptying two out and swallowing the pills dry. "Karen calling you again?" Scott asked, looking at Frank from the drivers seat.

"She won't stop" He grumbled in response. 

"Cause she's worried about you, Frank, just call her back" Scott snapped, messing with the casing of his badge. He flipped it in and out, the leather binding practically falling apart. The important part was the only thing he took care of. His eyes didn't leave it as he spoke. "It's pretty ridiculous what you're doing"

"You think I don't know that, Scott? Every fucking message, she's worried about me and the reason I'm ignoring her in the first place is so she will get the message to stop. She'll forget and then forget to call and she'll forget to worry" He replied, absentmindedly. 

Scott laughed, but nothing about the situation was comical. They both knew that and instead, it came off as bitter and almost patronising. Frank frowned at him wildly. "I don't know how to get it through your indestructible skull, but that's really not how it works"

"I'm bad for her, Scott. You know that. I can't hurt her anymore" Frank answered, glaring at Scott before flicking his eyes back to the road ahead of him. People crossed in front of him and he could see a group of teenagers jostling each other around as they headed past the car. The smell of Scott's bacon sandwich lingered in the car.

"Is that you talking or the damn pills you're popping like no tomorrow?" Scott replied, reaching behind him to grab the bag with the rest of the food in. There was a pack of donuts that Frank had bought that Scott was just desperate to get his hands on. 

Frank frowned, scoffing as his hand subconsciously flew to his pocket in case Scott tried to grab them off him. He pulled the bag into the front of the car and began rooting through it before pulling out a brown paper bag. "What are you talking about?"

"They're not invisible, Frank. If shit is really that bad you need to go back to your doctor" Scott answered, placing the bag on the floor in front of him. He opened the donuts and took one, biting into it and leaving a huge chunk missing. "You can't be living in pain in this line of work, you definitely know that"

"Keep your nose out of my business, Scott" Frank answered, staring purposely out the window. He could smell the grease coming off the donuts and the anxiety he had began to feel pulsating through his body only made him feel more sick, piling on top of the awful greasy smell from the foods. 

"How many do you take a day?" He persisted, shuffling in his chair to face Frank more. It was slightly intimidating given Frank's immune system was low and he felt a little shit. The donut was now gone and Scott's main focus was on Frank himself, which didn't help whatsoever. His heart only began to pound louder in his ears and harder in his chest.

Frank groaned aloud, trying to make it seem as though he was throwing Scott off the trail. It probably wasn't working. Everything was throwing him off more than Scott and Frank was beginning to lose touch on how to read him. Scott had full control of the situation and Frank hated it. "As many as I have to"

Scott raised a brow. "More than you're supposed to?" 

Frank nodded unwillingly. "On bad days, yeah" 

"Well stop it, you fucking idiot" Scott snapped. "I will tell LePaul and you know it"

"Scott!" Frank shouted, "Back the fuck off. I know what I'm doing!"

Before Scott could reply, the radio crackled in front of them before a husky yet urgent voice began speaking. Whatever they were arguing about was completely dropped and work heads were switched on. " _Call from someone in Hartley Apartments saying a neighbour sounded distressed? Apartment 5A. Sending back up_ "

The two of them looked at one another quickly. "Karen"

\--

The back up had already arrived when Scott pulled up in front of Frank's building. He jumped out the car, Scott following him as they ran toward the door. He saw Frank pull his gun out as he headed up the stairs. People were standing outside their apartments, looking above through the stairwells to see where the commotion was coming from. 

"Please go back inside your apartments" Scott said as he passed them all on the stairs. "We don't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily and your safety is our number one priority. If you have no relation to the incident, please, go back inside your apartments"

"Frank! Thank fucking God" Frank stopped when his neighbour Mark Peretti appeared in front of him outside his apartment. He wore the same old outfit and stunk of the same Hamartian cigarettes. "I called the cops hoping you'd show up, there was something going on up there with your girl-"

"Thank you. Stay in your apartment. Me or someone else from the squad will come to question you later" Frank answered, looking above his apartment to see the other officers coming down the stairs. Two at the front before another two behind with Carson Morello in their arms. Frank's blood boiled instantly, running for him. "You!" He grabbed Carson from the other officers, slamming him against the wall next to Mark. "I told you to stay away from her!"

Frank had the upper hand as Carson was handcuffed. His eyes were bloodshot, widened and full of fear and Frank was covered entirely in pain. Seconds later, he was pulled off of Carson, letting him drop almost to the ground. Frank turned to see Scott holding onto him. His eyes were widened also with fear, cheeks a little red from embarrassment. "Chill out, Frank" 

"This bullshit keeps on happening, why is he still allowed here? She doesn't want him there, he keeps turning up and forcing his way inside her apartment. The only thing he needs to be inside of is a damn prison cell" Frank shouted, watching as Carson was taken away down the remaining flights of stairs. "Do you hear me, Morello? I will end you! I will put your ass in prison faster than you can call your shitty corrupting lawyer!"

"Frank! Shut up!" Scott shouted, grabbing him by the collar and shoving him back and forth against the wall. "You need to chill the fuck out, you are not doing anyone here a favour by running your mouth off, do you hear me?" Frank shut his eyes in anger but Scott only thrashed him against the wall harder to make him listen. "Frank! Do you hear me?"

Frank knew Scott was talking but it was just a blur in his ears as he pushed Scott off him and headed up the last flight of stairs toward Karen's apartment. He could hear Scott calling after him and he knew he shouldn't do what he was about it do. There was a female police officer talking to her but Frank pushed his way in. "Are you okay?" 

Karen was shocked at the sight of him, her eyes widening as he pulled her into a tight hug. It took her a few seconds to put her arms around him but she did, and Frank felt a little calmer than he did minutes ago. Her embrace felt different, and he couldn't tell if it was because he hadn't hugged her in a while or whether she was acting different. The latter scared him. "I-uh,"

Frank pulled out of the hug and held her at arms length. He kept his eyes on her the whole time, a frown stamped on his forehead, eyes filled with worry. Her face was blank but she also looked shocked. Scared. "What happened? Did he hurt you?"

Karen frowned, "No, I-uh, where were you?" 

Frank frowned in response, "I was patrolling with Sc-"

"No, Frank" Karen asked, pulling away from him even further. She shivered a little, folding her arms across her small frame. Frank stared helplessly, his mouth gaping a little as she closed herself off from him. He couldn't even hug her, hold her, reassure her, even if he wanted to. Karen had made their distance clear. "Where _were_ you?"

"Frank?" He turned before he could answer her, looking at Scott approaching the doorway. Frank was about to interrupt, probably shouting millions of things when he stepped aside and Commissioner LePaul headed in behind him. Scott shrugged at him when Frank eyed him, the disappointment evident on his face.

"Well I've been informed of your outburst Frank and it seems we need to have a word. In private" She said, approaching him. Her arms were folded tightly and the impeccable cock in her half-brow-half-frown scared him. She then looked toward Karen, face softening even just for a little bit. "Are you alright, Mrs. Morello? Is my Sergeant bothering you?"

Karen just shook her head, arms still folded and guarding herself. She looked at LePaul for a few seconds before nodding at the ground instead of at her. Frank remembered the time she'd told him she was scared of LePaul, even when she hadn't met her. "No. Everything is okay, thank you"

LePaul then looked back over toward Frank, sighing loudly. "Outside" Taking one last look at Karen before she was ushered away with Scott and some other officers, he followed her outside the apartment. "This is your last damn straw Frank" she snapped. "These are your neighbours, don't you have any respect for yourself? Shouting your mouth off for a worthless guy like Carson Morello?"

"Surprisingly enough, Commissioner, I don't have any respect for myself" Frank answered, a little more snappy than he had liked. He knew she would pick up on it and he'd be in the doghouse for an awful long time. "I'm a mess, in case you hadn't noticed. My whole life is going to shit and I don't know what to do"

"Then maybe, instead of faking a leave of absence to throw your girlfriend off the trail, you should take a real one" She spat. "I'm sick to the back teeth of your shit Frank but like I say every time, you're good police. And firing you just because I don't like you is ridiculous. After today's events you know that I have no choice but to take you off the case, you're too personally involved in this" 

"Excuse me?" Frank snapped, "I'm off the case? Are you kidding me? I was the one who started it, you gave me clearance not even two weeks ago!"

"Yeah you're off the case, be careful otherwise you'll be off the squad completely. I'm not throwing the case, I am handing it over to someone else. You are unfit to lead this one. Go home Frank. I don't want to see you for two weeks" She answered, walking back toward the stairs and heading down them with the last remaining cops on the stairwell.

Frank ran his hands through his hair, squeezing his eyes shut as he took a wobbly sigh. He felt suffocated in his uniform, the body armour tight on his chest. His firearm made itself aware on his thigh as it dug in when he sunk to the floor for a second. He felt footsteps around him, heading past him and down the stairwell. Karen's door shut and the silence was evident. A few seconds later, her heels echoed throughout the hallways as she sat next to Frank against the wall.

Frank finally opened his eyes, looking toward her clutching her knees to her chest. Everything ached in Frank's body but he didn't have the energy to groan or complain about it. Frank's hands were clasped together on his knees when Karen took them apart and took hold of one of them. "I was almost there, Karen" He said, leaning his head against the wall. "I swear, I was almost there"

"It's okay" She replied gently. "I am more confident now, that they'll get him. If it's not you, it will be Scott or someone else"

"But I want it to be me" Frank answered, tears lodging their way into his throat and causing his voice to turn an odd pitch. A weakness. "I have to get him, I need to see him go down after everything he has done to you" 

Karen hesitantly took her hand away from Frank's leading him to grab both of hers and pull them toward him. She leaned closer to Frank, pulling her hands away and pulling his face closer to hers quickly as their foreheads pressed together. 

"I missed you, Frank" She whispered. "I missed you"

"I'm sorry" Frank whispered in response. "I'm so sorry"

Karen shook her head. "Don't. It's okay. You're here now. It's okay"

Healing was unknown to Frank, his whole life had been made up of breaking over and over again until he hit the unbreakable core inside his body. Each time he'd build something back up, never as good or strong, but just enough so it was there. Karen's arms wrapped around his crumbling body was a small contribution to something bigger and stronger. He still had a long way to go, but she was helping. She was healing him. 

Frank never knew that to become whole you needed another person to fill your broken parts. Until now.


	30. face to face

There was one _normal_ family that lived in Frank's building in apartment 2B and quite frankly he was surprised they hadn't moved out yet. They always had so many visitors, especially around the holidays and this year was no different. As Frank headed down the stairs to the bottom of the building, he spotted the Halloween decorations along the stair railings and pinned to their door. He just rolled his eyes, walking straight past them and to the bottom of the building.

It was growing on six and he dumped the duffel bag in his car before sitting in the drivers seat and staring at out the window. All he could see were millions of people dressed in Halloween attire and it made his shitty excuse for a costume sitting in the passengers seat look ridiculous. After hesitating for a few seconds, he started the car and drove off. It was still pretty light out and as he pulled up to the precinct he saw crowds of people dressed in all sorts. There were way too many fairies to count and Frank smiled. 

He grabbed his bag, throwing it over his shoulder before he headed toward the precinct where there were tables set up and kids lining up with bags full of candy. "Thought you were kicked out by LePaul?" Scott claimed as Frank approached the tables and headed behind them.

"What can I say?" Frank replied, "I love kids" 

Scott just smiled, shaking his head. "Don't let LePaul see you then"

"I'm only staying for a while, Karen and I are going to Gabby's, she's having a party" Frank replied, dumping his bag down underneath the table where the two of them were stood. He kept it by his feet, making sure that no kids milling around and under the table would go inside it. "I just came to see if Calissa Marriott would show"

Scott smiled again, drawing his eyes away from the table to look toward Frank. "I'm glad you and Karen are finally back on. I was sick of seeing you walking round the apartment like a zombie, snapping at me for breathing the wrong way" 

Frank shook his head, bending underneath the table toward his bag and pulling a hat out of it and placing it on his head. It was a pumpkin and Scott just laughed at him hysterically, shaking his head as Frank could feel his cheeks growing scarlet. "You can tell I'm going to be the worst dressed there" 

Scott nodded, "Of course you will be. I don't know why you ever thought you'd look somewhat good in that outfit," He replied, laughing as Frank thumped him on the arm angrily. "Actually, thinking about it, Jesse is going to halloween party tonight. One of his friends is having people over and he got invited"

Frank messed around in the bag full of candy in front of him, avoiding Scott's eyes as he eyed the line of children outside the precinct. He tried to recall what Gabriela had told him about the party, whether Jamie and Layla were allowed to invite friends or not, whether Jesse would be at the same party as Frank. "Really? Whose house?"

Scott shrugged, "I don't know. Never got the name, at least I think he's going. That's what Elise said, anyway. I took him out to buy a costume cause the other one was too small" Frank watched as Scott paused and smiled to himself. A smile flitted across his own lips. "He's growing so fast"

Frank then smiled completely, shaking his head and brushing the thought of Scott's son being in Gabriela's house that evening. He knew there would be no going back if Scott saw him in the state he was bound to get into in the evening. Are you staying here tonight or going to "Alderson's party later?"

Scott shook his head. "I think I'm just gonna stay at the apartment and watch whatever horror movies are on TV. Or I may go over to Mason's and see what he's up to. Haven't seen him in a while and now that he's actually on speaking terms with me, I should probably make the most of it. Make up for lost time, you know?"

Frank nodded, his mind quickly jumping to Marco. He wondered if the two of them could ever achieve what Scott and Mason were. "Sounds good to me. You can always swing by Gabby's if you want?" 

Scott just shook his head again and Frank was thankful for it. He realised the minute it had come out of his mouth that he would probably run into Elise when collecting Jesse from Gabriela's house. If Jesse was even going to Gabriela's. "I'm good, thanks for the offer though, Frank" 

Frank didn't really know how to further the conversation so he started toward the table and began handing candy out to children lining up in their costumes. The variety of outfits he saw and the different levels of parents' imaginations wore him out just by looking at them. 

 "Frank!"

He turned quickly spotting Calissa and Lisa heading down the line toward him. Her costume was just as promised; a ninja with a broomstick. He couldn't help but laugh and Scott eyed him as he did before looking to where Frank's eyes were situated. Frank smiled hugely, heading past other officers toward them. "Oh my god you look awesome!" 

Lisa just grinned, jumping up and down on the spot. It was weird how someone who was just as near a stranger to him could make him as joyful as she did. Frank then looked up toward Calissa with a smile and she smiled back gratefully. "Is it okay if I have a word with you, Sergeant?" 

Frank nodded quickly, rubbing his hands together as the two of them jumped out of the line and headed toward the end of the tables. Frank did the same and he came face to face with them. Lisa threw herself around his legs and Frank bent down to hug her. His back ached wildly and he grimaced, directing it at the floor so Calissa wouldn't see.

"Your hat is funny" Lisa replied, pulling it from his head to look at it. He nodded as he watched her play around with it before placing it back on his head forcefully. Frank laughed as she pulled it over his eyes before stepping further away from him. 

He pulled it back up to see her giggling next to her mother. He shook his head, taking it off as he stood to face Calissa. "I don't know if you're allowed to discuss this but, I heard that Carson was arrested the other day, is that true?" 

Frank hesitated a little and looked back toward the tables where Scott stood talking to a child dressed as an oompa loompa. He then decided against it and looked back toward Calissa. "I'm not on the case anymore so really the only person you should be discussing this with is Officer Sardarov" 

She deflated a little and Frank felt guilty as Scott was clearly busy. Lisa was tugging at her hand and she kept dismissing her quickly. Frank shook his head, "Screw it. Carson was arrested. He's not getting out because of the statements put forward by his ex-lawyer. That is your doing. You didn't hear it from me" 

Her face lit up instantly and she smiled, letting go of Lisa's hand and throwing her arms around Frank. The force sent instant waves of pain down his spine and he had to fight the urge not to yell aloud. He put his arms around her briefly before she pulled away from him. "Thank you. Thank you so much for helping me finally see justice" 

"Just going my job" He replied. He then looked down toward Lisa who was staring over at the table full of candy. "Now," he said, just loud enough so that her little blonde head turned toward him quickly. The hope in her eyes was admirable. "Who wants some candy?"

She jumped up and down on the spot quickly, "I do!"

Frank took her by the hand and lead her behind the tables past all the other members of his squad toward where he was stood to begin with. He grabbed the bowl he was holding and bent down toward Lisa, letting her take her pick. Just before she dove in, Frank pulled the bowl away and butted in. "Before you can have some, you gotta promise me something"

Lisa nodded simply. "Sure"

"I'm not gonna be around anymore," Frank began, getting cut off by Lisa.

"Why not? You never showed me your gun yet, that's not fair" She complained, a small pout appearing on her face. It hurt Frank to even see her like that and he found himself frowning, throwing him off what he were beginning to say in the first place. 

"There will be time for that, don't worry. I haven't forgotten. But you've got to promise me that you'll look after your Mom from now on, okay? Can you do that for me?" He asked, a small lump growing in his throat. He didn't realise it until the tears had glazed over his eyes and he swallowed it away, hard.

Lisa just nodded, a smile on her face. "I already do that. With Nicky's help. I promise"

Frank smiled, holding the bowl toward her as she dropped her little bag and threw both hands in there trying to grab as much candy as she could. "Good girl. You're such a good girl, Lisa" 

Moments later, she had forgotten everything and headed to the end of the tables and joined a huge group of children playing together. Frank smiled, standing and placing the almost empty bowl back on the table in front of him. He watched them all play together as Calissa headed past him and went toward them. 

There were so many parents standing around talking to one another whilst this group of children became bigger and louder. Frank's phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out quickly, seeing two texts on the screen.

**Recipients: You, Gabby**

**Gabby:** _Pleeeeaaaase can you get some ice on your way??? Mike forgot to get it earlier!!!!! I'll pay you love you_

**Recipients: You, Karen**

**Karen:** _I'm on my way in about two minutes, be there in about 10?_

Frank looked up and around as it had been well over ten minutes since that message had come through. He couldn't really see over the crowds but almost instantly Scott approached him with Karen by his side. She smiled as she saw him and Frank shoved his phone in his pocket walking toward her. "Hey there"

"Hello" She replied, leaning in to kiss him as he wrapped his arms around her. She clutched his face as they moved together, Frank pressing them closer together. For the moment, the fact they were in public and around all of his colleagues had slipped away from him. He just wanted to kiss her there and then, after so long depriving himself of it.

"Gross" Scott yelled from beside them, causing Frank to pull away from her slowly, turning back toward Scott with one arm still around her waist. He rolled his eyes as Scott taunted them mischievously before looking back at Karen and tightening his grip around her. She wrapped her other arm around the front of his torso, linking it with her hand on the side of his waist.

Karen just smiled, shaking her head. "Ready to go?"

Frank nodded, "Almost. There is just one person that I want you to meet" 

He took her by the hand and lead her toward the group of children, up toward Calissa standing alone whilst she watched Lisa play gleefully. "Calissa?" Frank interrupted, causing her to turn toward him quickly. She smiled at him, looking toward Karen briefly before back at him. "This is my girlfriend Karen,"

The two of them shook hands, exchanging smiles and conversing a little before Frank took control once again. He looked toward Karen uneasily. "This is Carson's first wife. She and her daughter went through what you did. She looked for help and look where she is now. She got through it" 

Karen stared at Frank for a few seconds before looking at Calissa. Frank did the same and began speaking as he spotted her frowning. "Karen is Carson's second wife. The one I told you about when I first visited you, the one who needed your help to get away from him"

Frank stepped back a little as the two of them looked at one another. Karen took hold of her hand quickly, squeezing it tightly. Calissa squeezed back, most likely tighter and it was an unreal sight to see the two of them together, looking wonderfully strong and confident. She then looked into the group of children. "Which one is your daughter?"

Calissa laughed as she pointed toward her, "Lisa. Her name is Lisa" 

Karen smiled as she turned back toward her. Frank noted the fact that both of them were almost in tears. He folded his arms and scratched the bottom of his chin before clearing his throat of yet another lump of tears. "She is beautiful"

Calissa never said anything else, only grabbed Karen and encased her in her arms. She clung on for dear life, the two of them holding onto each other as they half laughed, half cried. Frank's heart was warmed as he watched them.

Two women victimised by the same man, who were now free.


	31. three more hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: depictions of drug abuse

Frank ended up driving as Karen was silent on the journey to Gabriela's house. She was staring out the window and Frank kept side glancing her as he drove. There was an evident smile on her face, so he didn't need to fear the silence. At one point she reached across and grabbed his hand, squeezing tightly, which only reassured him more that she was okay. 

"I need to stop off at the store on the way, Gabby needs some ice" Frank cut through the silence, looking over toward Karen watching her nod. "Can you believe she's run out already? Party only started a half hour ago"

"That's fine" She replied, her eyes still on the roads head before she turned to Frank to smile. He smiled back, not turning toward her and continuing to steady the car. He felt like the conversation was a little tight and awkward but there was no tension between them. Maybe it was just his mind playing tricks on him. "Are you nervous?"

"Nervous?" Frank asked.

"You usually complain about family parties" Karen said, running her hand through her hair as she looked out the window of the car. Frank eyed her quickly before looking back at the road. Karen didn't look at him and it almost worried him. "I haven't heard you be positive about any sort of family event"

Frank slumped in his seat slightly, his whole body crumbling a little at the comment. He bit his lip as a frown made its way onto his face. Was he really that depressing and negative about his family? "Shit, Karen, that's bad"

"No" Karen said quickly, finally looking at him, "I wasn't saying that, I mean everyone has different situations with their family and with what happened with your Dad, I just wonder why it hasn't healed itself over the years"

Frank shrugged. "For me, it's Marco. He causes all the hatred I have toward family gatherings because I know he loves to stir things. He loves to antagonise me which pisses me off and then pisses Gabby off and it all just ends up in an ugly mess. So naturally, I avoid them"

Karen nodded. "That's understandable"

"We always talk about my family," Frank stated, turning onto a new street after just missing a red light. He eyed the pathways, noting all the children about with their parents or an older sibling trick-or-treating. He smiled a little. "It's boring. Talking about them all the time, I feel so annoying. We never talk about yours - what are they like?"

"Well," Karen shrugged, sighing. Frank looked at her once again and saw how her body slumped like his had moments ago. "A little boring. My siblings are both older than me, both more successful than me and both loved by my parents more than me. That's all there is too it" 

Frank scoffed, looking over toward her briefly before back at the road. He could sense a little bit of a deflation in herself as she talked about them and her tone was a little underwhelming. "Come on, you've got to give me more than that to work with"

"What are you talking about?" Karen asked.

"Shit, am I reading into this wrong?" He asked, regretting even opening his mouth.

"Reading into what?" Karen asked, a little laugh escaping.

"Well-" Frank paused. "I just assumed- well," He scowled at the road ahead of him, shaking his head to himself with stupidity. "That Thanksgiving was-" He stopped as Karen laughed, squeezing his hand tightly as it grew sweaty with anticipation. He frowned a little, trying to laugh along. "What's so funny?"

"I knew exactly what you were talking about" She replied, a playful yet thoughtful smile on her face. "Of course Thanksgiving is still on, I still need a date to my brother's wedding. Did you think I was really going to give up on you that easily?"

He shook his head, turning back to face the road as he pulled into the parking lot of the convenience store. He rolled into the closest space, pulling the keys from the ignition and turning toward her. "Thank you for being patient with me" 

She nodded, shuffling closer toward him on her seat, as far as she could go without sitting on the clutch. He didn't know how he'd deprived himself of her for so long, her eyes fixated on him, drinking him in and making him forget anyone else even existed. "Of course"

"I didn't think you'd forgive me so easily, or even forgive me at all. I just assumed that you kept getting hurt because of me and it seemed to stop when I left" He replied, looking down at the keys in his hand, jingling them about. "I distanced myself because I thought I was ruining everything by opening up. I thought you'd run"

Karen placed a hand on top of them, letting the silence fill the air. She gripped Frank's hand and he dropped the keys onto the seat between his legs. He kept his eyes on her. "Why would you think I'd do that?"

Frank looked up toward her, her brows knotted together worriedly. Her hand was tight around his and he was paralysed in that moment; wanting to say the one thing that was on the tip of his tongue but would most definitely ruin everything.

Because you did it before.

He just shook his head. "I'm not good at opening up. So when I do, it's heavy. And heavy puts people off so I assumed it would put you off. It's happened so many times before, it was just instinct for me. I'm sorry" 

Karen shook her head in response, pulling him closer toward her and wrapping her arms around him. It sent waves of pain down Frank's spine and he grit his teeth to stop himself from yelling aloud. Wrapping his arms around her, he tried to relax. "I'll always be here for you, Frank. Okay? Please know that. Please know that however long it takes you to feel comfortable opening up anything else you have locked away, I'll be waiting. Whether it's next week or next year; I'll be here. I love you"

He shut his eyes, not sure whether his tears were at her words or his pain. He pressed it down once more. "I love you, too"

\--

Frank headed straight for the beers once he entered Gabriela's house, shoving past all the people that were in his way. He knew where she kept the secret stash just of his favourites where no-one else could get to them. He took a huge sip from the first bottle he got his hands on, the cool liquid soothing his quickly overheating body. 

The room he was in was already getting more crowded and more heat was making its way about. He felt like he was in Karen's apartment all over again. The only difference was Gabriela's house didn't feel like home to him. It were the uncomfortable sort of hot - hot and sweaty. Not hot and homely.

"Why'd you run off so quickly?" Karen asked, after squeezing through the crowd to get to him. She held her hand out, Frank taking it and helping to pull her through the people. The two were way closer than Frank imagined and he was unable to drink his beer as quick as he'd liked.

"Alcohol" He answered, holding the bottle up quickly. Her chest pressed against his own, the space between them that minuscule. He didn't know Gabriela would invite so many people and that this many people would turn up to a Halloween party, of all events. "That's why"

Karen just laughed, looking behind him at the pack of beers he had pulled out from beneath the counter. She then looked back toward him with a smile, placing one arm around his neck. This only drew them even closer and Frank could feel himself getting even hotter. "Thank you for introducing me to Calissa"

Frank shook his head whilst taking a sip of his beer. "It was a spur of the moment type thing but I'm glad I did it. I can't even begin to imagine what the both of you went through and I know that if I were in either situation, I'd want some reassurance of safety"

Karen nodded, a small smile playing on her face. Frank felt her grip tighten on him just like a squeeze of reassurance of her own. To say he didn't screw up. "It really opened my eyes to what my life could be like now that I'm free to be my own person. With you"

Frank frowned, almost spitting his beer out beside her. The back of his hand flew to his mouth quickly, and he coughed a little as he looked up to her. Her eyes were widened as she looked at him trying to recover. "Wait, was that your way of saying you want to have kids? With me?"

Karen frowned a little, before she shrugged. "I... don't know, is that what it sounded like?"

Frank paused, only looking at her. Their expressions seemed mirrored, both confusion and slight panic. He couldn't even believe the idea had popped into his head in the first place, let alone the humiliation about to follow if he got it completely wrong. He spoke again. "Well, do you want to have kids?"

"Do you?" Karen asked, after a small hesitation. She didn't quite get her words out and it only assured Frank that the subject scared her just as much as it scared him when approached. The noise around them completely dampened the huge dramatic facade usually surrounding the subject which he was thankful for.

"I never really thought about it" He replied, holding his beer toward the floor. "I mean, I never really pictured myself settling down with someone, let alone looking after a child. I was always just an on the go type person. I don't really know when that changed" 

"Have you never babysat Gabby's kids?" Karen asked, frowning at him a little. Clearly she wasn't all too uncomfortable with the idea as she was still completely wrapped around him, the two of them in close proximity. Either that or the fact there was so little room around them, she had to stay there.

Frank nodded in response, shutting his eyes briefly trying to recall the last time he did look after the two of them. It wasn't recently, he knew that for sure. It was bad. "Sometimes. Hardly though, and they're independent. Mostly. But, a baby is like a huge deal" 

Karen nodded, laughing a little. "Yeah, it is"

Frank didn't really know how to further the conversation because he knew that they both clearly wanted different things in the situation. He frowned to himself, looking toward the ground as Karen was pulled away by Gabriela and they began talking to one another. Maybe he'd feel differently if he really sat down and thought about it?

"What's up with face-ache over here?"

Frank jolted violently, thwacking her hand away from him as Gabriela nudged his shoulder. He frowned at her, looking up and shaking his head. She'd pulled him from his thoughts quite abruptly and he knew his reaction was over the top. "What?"

Gabriela just laughed at him, "Are you okay?"

He nodded, scratching the back of his neck before sipping again at his beer. The small space around him suddenly became even smaller, and his chest tightened quickly. He frowned, gripping onto the cabinet he was leaned against tighter, sipping his beer again. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

Gabriela just shook her head, twirling in a messy circle before leaning up and kissing Karen on the cheek. Frank could tell she had already had way too many to drink. Karen turned to him quickly. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable"

Frank's eyes widened and he shook his head quickly. "No way. You didn't, it's okay"

Karen shook her head. "No, I did-"

Frank took hold of her hand and pulled her closer toward him. The sudden anxiety with the enclosed space diminished way quicker than he thought it would, and Karen fit perfectly in front of him. "I'm fine, I swear. Don't worry" 

Karen placed both hands on his face, stroking his cheek with her thumb. "Are you sure?" Frank took one more sip from his beer before holding it away from her and leaning in toward her. Karen's hands left his face as they kissed, wrapping her arms around his neck. Frank placed his free hand on the small of her back, keeping them in close proximity as they moved together.

Someone knocked into them, Frank's beer spilling from the bottle onto Karen's back and all over his hand. She yelled quickly, pulling away from him as the knock sent them both into the wall behind Frank. He grimaced as the pain sprouted once more, a small groan escaping as the music was loud and nobody would hear. 

He recovered himself quickly, clearing his throat and managing a small smile as Karen turned back toward him. "Oops," she said, laughing even more. Frank was out of beer. Karen left to clean herself up and he quickly grabbed another, gulping down as much as possible to try and ease the pain that was beginning to terrorise him.

There was no-one he knew well around him in the room when he sunk toward the wall, drinking as much beer as possible. Eventually the pain did subside a little and Frank felt around in his pocket for his phone as he could feel it begin to vibrate. When pulling it out, he spotted the alert flashing upon his screen. His heart slowly sunk and suddenly everything he was feeling, he began to scrutinise. 

**THREE MORE HOURS UNTIL PILLS.**

Frank could only try and lessen the panic by closing it and shoving it in his pocket. He looked at the beer in front of him, wondering how the toxic liquid was going to drag him down to hell by his insides and whether he began to feel himself slip backward. Spurts of pain flashed before his eyes, memories of his rehab back in High School. How his skin itched and his eyes watered constantly, his insides craving all the bad energy he was trying to get rid of.

For some reason, the idea seemed familiar, the feeling; comforting. And he continued drinking.

\--

Being one of the last to turn up meant he would be one of the last to leave. By then he had gotten through all of his beers, having to venture into Mike's shit taste and drink those instead. He ended up singing loudly in Gabriela's kitchen, along with three other dudes he didn't even know before Karen pulled him away from them.

They continued singing in the background as Frank stumbled toward her. He smiled, laughing as he looked toward the other three still singing behind him before back at Karen with a huge grin on his face. "Hey baby, how are you?"

He couldn't feel how firm her grip was on his arm but she yanked him aside quickly. All the surroundings in front of him wobbled in his vision, but as he forced himself to focus on Karen, she went from having two heads to one and she stilled. "I think it's time we go home, don't you think?"

Frank just shrugged, "I mean whatever. Totally up to you. I cannot drive home though" 

Karen sighed. "Clearly not. Okay, come on let's go"

Frank was led through the house, his head whirring loudly and his vision blurring as the exit seemed a lot smoother than usual. He didn't see Gabriela or Mike on his travels, he didn't see that many people anyway. Peering up the stairs before heading out the door, he realised he didn't even know if he had his keys or phone on him anymore. 

Karen sat him in the passengers seat, rummaging around in his pocket and grabbing his keys. Frank heard them jingle as she shut the door, heading around the outside of the car before sitting in the drivers seat. Frank flinched as she started the car up, beginning to drive home. He didn't have time to panic about whether she would find the empty pill packet in his pocket but she never questioned it so he figured she hadn't.

The journey home seemed short, and the silence throughout let Frank sober up a little. He gained more self control and Karen didn't need to pull him out of the car once they arrived at their building. He would have given anything to lay in bed next to her that night but he knew he would be nursing the worlds worst hangover the next day.

 He walked with Karen to the top floor and they stood outside her apartment for a solid five minutes as she lay her head on his chest and they hugged. Frank was almost falling asleep and his grip around her kept loosening by the second. Eventually, Karen pulled away from him which caused him to shake his head wildly and perk back up. "You really want to get rid of me, don't you?"

Frank shook his head once again. "No, I'm-"

"I'm joking. You're about to fall asleep. I don't blame you. Sleep well" She replied, her hand stroking the edge of his jaw. He leaned into her hand and shut his eyes as she leaned in toward him. Her arm wrapped around him as they hugged once more before she kissed his cheek and pulled away. "I love you"

Frank just smiled at her as she shut the door. "I love you"

Fumbling around for his keys, it took a few too many attempts to open the door. Scott was still awake and watching a football match on TV when Frank shuffled into the apartment, slamming the door loudly. Scott jumped, turning around quickly. "Jesus, Frank. You scared the hell out of me"

Frank never replied as he headed straight for the kitchen. He banged into the surface, yelling loudly as it knocked into his right hip. He groaned, limping toward the cupboard and grabbing a box of his pills. "Frank you are shitfaced" Scott said, muting the TV and standing from the couch quickly. He headed around to Frank to find him rummaging through things and making a mess.

Frank finally found what he was looking for and emptied the box quickly. Luckily there were two pills left so he dry swallowed them before turning to Scott. The box ended up on the floor, along with a lot of other things. Scott's eyes scoured the floor before he scoffed, ignoring it and looking back at Frank.

"Did you take your pills before going out?" He asked.

Frank shrugged, "Don't remember"

He was lying, of course he remembered 

Scott's eyes just widened. "You got dunk and you're on pills? Are you fucking kidding me, Frank, your pills are lethal enough as it is and you go adding alcohol to the mix? Do you have a death wish? Listen, I'm gonna make you something to sober you up, just sit on the couch, okay?"

"Fuck you, Scott. You can't tell me what to do when you sat here alone all night watching TV" Frank shouted, pulling his phone from his pocket as he began fumbling around with it. It slipped through his fingers and fell loudly onto the floor. He knew it would most likely crack but at that moment in time, he didn't really care. 

"Jesus Frank" Scott snapped, pausing on mixing something up in a glass. Frank couldn't tell what it was but it smelt disgusting and aroused the vomit laying at the bottom of his stomach. "You can't keep on like this, you're a mess. You are making everything worse and you're abusing your pills. Those two don't mix well"

He definitely wasn't wrong, but Frank would ever admit that to him. He just needed the pills to work faster. He swallowed, the sick feeling sinking once again and being just tolerable enough that it would give him enough time to fall asleep. "I'm going to bed"

After crouching to the floor to pick up his phone, Frank forced himself up and turned, heading toward his room. Scott just stared, open mouthed. He then looked toward where Frank were crouched and grabbed the empty box of pills. "You're all out, what are you going to do now?"

"Go to the doctors office and get more" Frank replied. "Watch the damn game, Scott"

"Frank, fucking talk to me" He snapped, throwing the box on the floor. "You look ill"

"Let me sleep it off then" Frank snapped back, turning back to face Scott. He wobbled a little and grabbed hold of the door frame to steady himself. 

"What happened? You were practically a different person before you left the station. You were so damn happy to tell Calissa Marriott about Carson's arrest, even if you are off the case" Scott said, approaching Frank. He stepped further away from Scott, holding his hands out to keep him away. "Did something happen at Gabby's? Huh? Tell me, Frank, I wanna help you"

"Back off, Scott and just let me sleep" Frank snapped, turning back toward the door and heading over. Scott never said anything as Frank made his way over there with a great amount of straining. "I don't need your help, I don't need help from anyone, okay? Back off"

"So you push everyone away who wants to help, is that it?" He finally said, after a short silence between the two of them. It was enough to stop Frank in his tracks, but he kept his back to Scott. "Is that just like your thing? Your way of coping with things? Cause it's bullshit, Frank"

Frank turned back quickly, practically running at Scott which was odd because of his weak stance beforehand. "I didn't ask for any of this, Scott, I didn't ask you to give a shit about me or anything I do"

"Well shit, Frank. I do. And so does Karen. And you're going to start to deteriorate on your own. Then what? Once you're in a heap on the ground? Who is going to pick you up then?" He snapped. "You better sort this shit with your spine out or I swear to damn hell and back I will go to LePaul and tell her that you're unfit to lead your squad and that you are in urgent need of medical assistance. Get better, Frank. Everyone has that right, you're no exception. I need my Sergeant at work, I need someone who I can look up to and feel confident in that he will lead me right. I can't have that if you're lying in a hospital bed"

Frank shook his head, "I'm no good for anyone, Scott, I just need to be alone"

"No, Frank" He shouted, "You're good for me, you're good for Karen, your family, the damn 41st. The whole city" 

Frank's head was pounding loudly and Scott's words were flying around in a swirling mess. He took a deep breath, shutting his eyes and leaning against the door. "Well you know what, Scott?"

"What, Frank? Enlighten me" He snapped in response.

"They all deserve fucking better" 

Frank slammed his bedroom door in Scott's face before wiping clean out on his bed before he could even take his boots off.


	32. i can't lose her again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: depictions of drug abuse

Frank was almost a week into his mini vacation from work and the whole mood in his apartment between him and Scott had been different since Frank had returned from Gabriela's party completely and utterly shitfaced. Frank felt as though Scott had really seen it all and he'd move out right away, even if it meant moving back in with Elise. But he didn't.

He forced Scott to take his pills and only remind him when he absolutely needed to necessarily take them. He hid them somewhere in the apartment and every time he left, Frank shamelessly hunted for them. The itching inside his body and the aching in his back only drove him further to it. He hated it. Hated himself more for not being able to fight it.

Giving up, Frank shut himself in his bedroom whilst Scott was at work. He emptied his duffel bag of work clothes, grimacing at the smell and deciding it needed a wash before he could begin packing things for Thanksgiving. He had convinced Karen he could fit a weeks worth of clothing in there and he was not about to be wrong about it.

Sitting in the silence and awful stench of his bag, he could just about hear the footsteps approaching his front door before the knocking echoed around his room. He pushed himself up painfully, heading out the room toward the front door and opening it. His walk had become slower, weaker, and showed his age a lot more. It was terrifying. Behind, stood Gabriela.

"Hello" Frank said, "And to what do I owe this visit?"

"A Scott Sardarov befriended me on Facebook, Father to Jesse Sardarov in Jamie's class at school" She entered Frank's apartment, pulling her coat off instantly and throwing it over his couch. He eyed her movements as she then headed toward the kitchen and began making a cup of coffee. "You want one?"

"Why are you here, Gabby?" Frank asked, shutting the door and following her to the kitchen. Her heels clattered across his creaky wooden flooring as she moved about, grabbing a mug and the milk from his refrigerator. He watched as she frowned at how little there was left in the carton.

"We need to have a chat, Frank" She answered, turning to face him with arms folded as the water boiled. He stood in silence as the boiling of the kettle filled the air between them. His heart pounded loudly in his ears as her eyes were on him. 

Frank stared at her for a little while, "Specifics?" 

"When Scott messaged me, I thought he was going to talk to me about what you had said about Jamie and his son. But I was wrong. Scott told me everything, Frank. It was a little unsettling to hear it over Facebook instead of in person" She answered, continuing to make her coffee, searching through Frank's cupboards for biscuits no doubt.

"What do you mean "everything", Gabby?" Frank answered, folding his arms sternly.

"The pills, your back in general, you being shitty toward Karen" She asked, and Frank's heart sank a little. It was all over his face and he could tell she knew. Gabriela shook her head a little, brows furrowed together with disappointment. "What is going on, Frank?" She asked.

Frank sighed loudly, turning away from her and scratching the top of his head. He winced in pain as the turn was so sharp and he attempted to walk away from her, his limp showing off outstandingly in front of her. "I can't believe him! He had no right to tell you that!"

Gabriela headed over toward him quickly, grabbing his arm and turning him back toward her. "He had every right! If he is worried about you, he has all the right in the world to tell me. He said he was scared to tell me, because of how you would react. I'm glad he told me so I could talk some sense into you before you run your mouth off at him because he doesn't deserve that, Frank"

"Is that seriously all you are here for?" Frank asked. "You just walk in here and start making coffee so you can force me to talk about my feelings and my health? That is the grossest shit I've ever heard, Gabby. I'd rather eat some shit scraped from the bottom of my shoe. That's my business and I'll share it with whoever I please"

She never replied as Frank rubbed his face. His hands shook and he didn't realise how nervous her bringing it up had made him. The kettle boiled in the silence and Gabriela walked over toward him. "Why didn't you tell me, Frank? Why don't you trust me? Is it as bad as it was before?"

"I do trust you, of course I trust you, Gabby, you're my sister" He replied, looking at the ground as she stood in front of him. Her presence was so big in the room and the way she looked down on him made him feel so small. "I just- I know what it did to you last time and I didn't want to put you through that again when I can cope without making a huge fuss" 

She sighed loudly. "But you clearly can't, Frank. I was barely 16 back then, I couldn't handle anything and with Dad dying too it just sent me over the edge. But this is different, I am older and more mature and more able to help you. I have a husband and two kids, for God's sake, Frank. I have handled much worse. Don't shut yourself off just because you want to be strong. Just because you don't want others to get hurt. What about you getting hurt? That should be your number one priority"

"Well I'm on pills so that helps" He answered.

"No, you're abusing pills" She replied. "Come on, Frank, not this again. I thought you kicked the addiction the first time"

Frank laughed bitterly, "Fuck you, Gabby, I'm not a fucking addict"

She widened her eyes, "Really? Have you convinced yourself that or are you just saying it? Scott described what you were like, how you're acting. Frank, I've seen you like this before and you damn well know it. Don't let it get out of control again, you know how depressed you were when it happened before"

"Oh, wow, thanks for reminding me" Frank replied, walking toward his couch and sitting down. She followed quickly, sitting next to him before taking the remote out of his hand and holding it out of reach. Frank tried to reach for it, groaning in pain before giving up and leaning back against the couch. "Go away Gabby" 

"Why haven't you told Karen?" She asked, placing the remote on the small table in front of them. Frank's heart pounded faster as she mentioned her name and he found himself rubbing his eyes. She nudged his shoulder and he only squeezed his eyes shut further. "She deserves to know"

"Don't you start as well" Frank replied, finally looking toward her. She was frowning and it only made him frown harder. "Like I said, I tell who I want, exactly what I want in my own time"

"And when were you going to do that, huh? When you're lying on a ventilator in hospital, suffering, because you strained too hard? No, Frank!" She shouted, pulling on his arm so that he was forced to look at her. "I won't let that happen to you again" 

The tears were evident and it just broke Frank's heart to see her cry. It bought back too many bad memories and with a smile as beautiful as hers, she should never cry. "Do you remember this?" Frank asked, pulling his wallet out and pulling the picture from High School from inside. 

Gabriela looked at it before looking up at Frank. "Yeah," she answered, eyeing it again before smiling a little. "You showed it to me when we looked in that box in the hospital. You look so happy"

Frank nodded. "Do you remember when you insisted on teaching me how to stitch up a gash?"

A smile flickered across her face briefly. "Yeah"

"I never told you, but, that came in handy one day" He replied.

Gabriela frowned quickly, "When?"

"One day after hockey practise" He said, "She was sat under the bleachers, blood covering her hands as she kept touching behind her ear. I can't even remember the story she told me, something stupid like grazing it off a locker corner or whatever. But I took her to the coach's office and broke into the first aid cabinet. And I stitched her up. Because of you. She said she wanted to interview me for the paper, talk about hockey or whatever. Karen Morello has the exact same scar behind that same ear" 

Gabriela frowned for a split second before her faced softened and she laughed a little. "What are you talking about?"

"It's not just a coincidence that the two people I have ever loved are both named the same," he began, pausing to catch a shaky breath. "They are the same, Gabby. Karen Morello is Karen Page" She stared at him, her face dropping as she did. Frank grew agitated as she looked at him, confused and quite clearly shocked. She never said anything so Frank decided to speak again.

"I never told her cause I figured she wouldn't care. She didn't care before so why would she care now?" He said, shutting his eyes and rubbing his forehead. "I don't understand, Gabby she just let me rot in hospital, didn't even care whether I would live or not" 

"Then how could you forgive her so easily?" She asked when she finally spoke. Her brows were furrowed and eyes narrowed slightly as she looked at him. "If someone did that to me, I could never forgive them, I could never let them back into my life so easily without fearing that they'd do it again"

"You think I don't think about that all the time? Because I do, Gabby, I think about it every day. I wonder if she's going to jet off again every time I say something wrong, every time we have an argument" Frank replied, shaking his head frantically. He could feel his hands shaking as he spoke. "I never hated her for what she did. I hated myself more for forcing it into my head that she didn't want me and that I was the one who drove her away. I'm not going to let that happen again"

"I don't understand, Frank, she made your recovery time hell. You didn't speak to anyone for days on end, why would you forgive her for that?" She snapped, "I don't get you, Frank, sometimes I just really don't get you"

Frank looked toward the ceiling painfully. He swallowed the tears threatening to spill before sighing. He shrugged at Gabriela, shaking his head. "I'm not asking you to! I'm asking you to be there for me. I love her. And that gets down to your core quicker than any form of betrayal ever would"

"I hate to say it, but, she loves you too, so much" Gabriela said, taking hold of Frank's hands and shaking them violently. He shook his head, pulling them away from her. "Which is why you have to tell her. She deserves to know what she's dealing with and she deserves to know that you're suffering"

Frank shook his head again, the tears finally spilling down his cheeks. It was such a foreign feeling; he never cried in front of her. It was always her crying in front of him, crying about someone who broke her heart or about how she missed their father. Him being the eldest instantly meant having to be the strongest. Acting like nothing affected him and he didn't want to cry sometime. He always wondered why it correlated like that. Who was supposed to be strong for him?

"I can't, Gabby, I can't lose her again" Frank replied, looking toward the TV and forcing himself to stare at his reflection in the screen. It really showed how much of a mess he had become over such a short period of time. How much of a mess his spinal problems had really made him and how it was slowly beginning to resurface once again after years of covering himself in a new shell.

"What makes you think that you will?" Gabriela asked, her voice soft and delicate as she placed a hand on Frank's arm. He flinched and he knew that was a bad thing. Frank took a deep breath before rubbing his face of tears, feeling Gabriela's arms wrap over his shoulder, smoothing along his back.

"You heard what I said before" He replied, looking upward, shaking his head. He sniffed heavily, feeling more tears coming but managing to force them back down "She did it before, she'd do it again. Come on, Gabby, she practically ran to Princeton to get away from me" 

"You don't know that, Frank" Gabriela replied, "Maybe she had her reasons? I don't know"

Frank rolled his eyes, "Way to kick me when I'm down," 

She frowned as Frank stood from the sofa and headed back toward his kitchen. Gabriela followed him quickly, stepping either side of him when he moved about at the counter tops attempting to clear away the unfinished coffee she had started. "Frank, you have to tell her" 

"I don't have to tell her anything" He snapped back, looking over his shoulder briefly before staring back at the basin in front of him. He figured it a good place to throw up in and to rid all the anxiety haunting him that very moment.

"What, do you think this is just going to go away? You're going to break it off with her? Cause I don't see things ending happily either way" Gabriela replied quickly. "Come on, Frank, this isn't the right thing to do and you know it" 

Turning toward her quickly, he began shouting unintentionally. "I will work things out, damn it! If you don't just leave me alone to sort this out myself then-"

"Ma is sick"

Frank stopped quickly. "What?"

Gabriela sighed. "Ma is sick, Frank"

Frank looked around his apartment helplessly, beginning to struggle to breathe. His throat threatened to close up but he managed to swallow. The small anxiety he felt before had suddenly doubled in size and was attempting to take over him completely. "Is this some sort of joke?"

She frowned quickly, "Why would I joke about something that serious?"

"Are you serious, Gabby?" Frank asked, his voice low and snappy. He took a deep breath, trying to focus and trying to get his words out right, quickly, before Gabriela realised that something was wrong. That he was panicking abnormally. "Is it life threatening?"

Gabriela shrugged, tucking her hair behind her ear. Frank was glad she hadn't caught onto his panicking. "Dr. Rafferty called me the other day to tell me. He asked if she'd said anything to any of us and-"

"Is she going to die?" He snapped, folding his arms. It came out louder than intended and he almost felt bad but his anger was taking over and suppressing any sort of other, softer feelings.

"I don't know, Frank" She answered forcefully. Her sadness and pity had diminished and he was almost glad it was replaced with anger and bitterness. They matched, mirrored. Something they were always good at when growing up. "Marco and I are going to see Rafferty next week you're welcome to come along"

"Hell yeah I'm coming along" he snapped, frowning at her. The thought of her telling Marco before him struck right down to his core and he took a step backward from her. "I don't know why I was the last to find out about this, especially after Marco"

Gabriela groaned loudly, "Because he is her son, too. Not just you, we are all her children and we are all going together to see what is wrong and what the best way to help her is. She needs all the support she can get and to be honest, between me, you and Johnny, it isn't enough. She needs Marco, her son-"

"He stopped being her son the day he killed our father!" Frank shouted, his whole body extending as he began towering over her. Something pulled as he did it and he yelled aloud, falling quickly. Her eyes widened as she ran toward him, steadying him by the arms. Frank regained his balance and then pulled away from her. 

Gabriela stared up toward him as he glared at her. She was a little shaken from his tumble but she looked more hurt at the way he pulled away from her so quickly. He ached, and a hug from her at that very moment would have been comforting. "How can you say that? You know that he didn't-"

Before Frank could reply, the knocking at the door to his apartment echoed around the room. Gabriela turned quickly just as Frank headed past her toward the door. He looked through the peephole before opening it. Karen stood behind, in the doorway with a smile on her face. "Oh, is this a bad time?"

Frank never replied, looking toward Gabriela who just headed toward her the couch to grab her jacket. She then headed toward the door, walking past Frank and shuffling past Karen to leave. "I was just leaving. Nice to see you, Karen"

Karen smiled, watching Gabriela head down the stairwell. Frank headed back into the apartment and Karen shut the door behind her slowly, before heading inside after him at a lot faster pace. "What was all that about?"

Frank then turned quickly, "What?"

"There was obviously something going on, no?" Karen asked, brows raised as she looked at him. They then dropped a little, her face softening as she analysed his body language to herself. "Have you been crying?"

Frank faked a laugh, heading over toward her. He tried to keep his head down because with an even closer look, she would definitely figure out something was wrong. He knew that if he looked away she'd clock onto something too. "You'd make a good cop, you know. All this interrogating and shit"

Karen rolled her eyes, "Don't try and worm your way out of this one"

Frank placed his hands on her waist, pulling her closer toward him. She placed her hands on his chest as he smiled down toward her. Her hands were firm on his chest and it sent him off balance a little but he recovered himself quickly by gripping onto her tighter. "There's nothing to worm out of, trust me"

"Truth?" She asked.

"Always" He answered.

She leaned forward and hugged him, placing her head on his shoulder. He shut his eyes as he leaned his head against hers, sighing quietly. The smile soon dropped as he was out of Karen's sight and he only tightened his grip on her. Frank was strong for Marco, Gabriela, Karen. Even Scott. But only then did he realise who was strong for him; his Mother. 

And she may just be torn away from him way sooner than he wished.


	33. remember that i love you

Her hair was coating the pillow next to him as he lay awake staring. The walls were dark and he wasn't used to it. The heat had dispersed in the air and there was a draft leaking around. He turned to lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. Frank rubbed his eyes, reaching for his phone from the bedside table and checking the time. 8:53 AM. A text from Gabriela sat on the home screen.

**Recipients: You, Gabby**

**Gabby:** _Docs is 10:30 sharp. B at my house for 9:45._

He sighed loudly, placing it back on the bedside table. "You okay?"

Frank jumped a little as he turned back toward her. She placed a hand on his arm as she looked up toward him. Her brows were raised and Frank realised he was frowning. He tried to smile at her as she placed a hand on his face. She felt along the stubble of his beard, her thumb moving along his jawline. Frank shut his eyes, shaking his head. "Not really"

Karen frowned, sitting up a little in his bed. "Why not? What's wrong?"

Usually he was good in situations like this and could think of lies within three seconds, with a reasonably good chance of them being believable. But the worry on her face just completely threw him. He hated having lied to her so much already so he forced himself to tell her. "Look, I have to be honest with you. I can't sugar coat things"

"What do you mean?" Karen asked, "Is everything okay?"

"I don't think I can come to Oregon with you" He answered, taking hold of her hands. Just by holding them he could feel the tension flowing through her body and it managed to pass onto him so quickly that his whole body filled with dread with how she may react. So far, in account of previous experiences, it wasn't going to go well.

Karen stared at him, her mouth gaping a little. Frank looked away from her, the disappointment in her eyes stinging right down to his core. It felt masochistic at this point. "Please don't leave me again, Frank, I can talk to you about whatever it is, whatever you're scared of telling me, you take as long as you need"

Frank then looked back toward her, sighing before pulling her into a hug. She burrowed her head in his neck and he placed a hand on the back of her hair. Despite having slept, it was softer than ever. Her voice vibrated against his chest and it sent goosebumps down his body, rippling his skin. "Don't run away from me, please, please. I am here for you"

Frank shook his head, "It's not that, it's not. My Ma," he stopped. "She's sick"

Karen pulled away from him quickly, "What? What's wrong with her?"

He shrugged, pulling his eyes away from Karen and looking at the crinkled duvet covering his legs. He could feel Karen's intense gaze still on him, her brows still drawn together with worry. "I don't know. I have an appointment with her doctor with Gabby and Marco today. We're gonna find out"

She covered her still gaping mouth, shaking her head as she squeezed Frank's hand harder. He felt a little piece of him crumble as she did, the part of him dreading telling her slowly dissipating as her words soothed the worry sitting in his mind. "I'm so sorry, Frank,"

Frank swallowed hard, as he could feel the tears begin to bubble in his throat. "Don't apologise. I'm sure everything will be fine, I can't assume the worst when I don't know anything yet. Gabby never said anything when she told me and she didn't seem too cut up about it so I'm sure it's...treatable"

Karen nodded, her eyes trained on him as her tears spilled. Frank looked away from her, swallowing again as he could feel even more tears coming. "That's a really good frame of mind to be in. I can't imagine what you're thinking, what sorts of possibilities are running through your head. Do you need me to drive you there or something?"

He shook his head, "No, I'll be fine. You stay in bed and relax, please. I gotta drive to Gabby's before, 9:45"

She grabbed her phone from the floor below where she left her bag the night before and checked the time. She frowned, looking at Frank. "That's soon, Frank, why are you still in bed?"

"It's not soon" He answered, sitting up properly and forcing himself out of the bed. She did the same, only sitting on the edge for a second to gain balance. Frank wished he had done the same, his pathway blurring together as he headed for the door. Once he opened it, Scott's snoring became audible and he rolled his eyes. It was pretty loud and usually he slept with ear muffs on to block it out but he and Karen had passed out pretty quickly the night before so he didn't have a chance. "Ignore Scott's snoring, he sleeps like a fucking log packed full of dog shit. You could bang pots next to his ears and he wouldn't wake up. Do whatever you like, I'm going to shower"

Karen headed toward Frank and wrapped her arms around him quickly. He did the same, turning his body toward her fully. She smiled up at him as his hands came to rest on the small of her back. "Are you happy we finally stayed at my place?"

She nodded, laughing. "Indeed. Although I agree with you. It is colder"

Frank shook his head. "I told you. Why go to my place when your place is warmer and the bed is comfier?"

Karen hesitated, looking down as she began to speak. She found herself playing with the drawstrings on his shirt, evening them out. He linked his hands together behind her back, stroking upward with his two thumbs. "Why is it "my" place and "your" place? Why can't it be "our" place?"

Frank frowned, "What?"

She sighed loudly, "You're the only police officer I've ever known with bad inference skills"

Frank narrowed his eyes jokingly, "You've dated other police officers? Who? Maybe I'll know them"

She thumped him harshly as he laughed and watched her cheeks go red with embarrassment. "I want you to move in with me, idiot. I don't know if you'd work things out with Scott and he can live here and you move in with me or we move out completely and get a place of our own. I'm sick of switching between places and arguing over whose is warmer or colder or whose bed is comfier. We can have an averagely heated place with a really soft bed that we both sleep in, together, every night"

Frank looked down at her shyness and just smiled at her. "My inference skills are 110%, thank you very much. And there is nothing that I want more than living with you"

\--

Frank pulled up to Gabriela's house at 9:52, knowing she would be angry at his punctuality. He saw Marco's car parked ahead of his and he sighed. Frank's was a cheap rusty mess whereas Marco's was probably bought last week. He headed down the driveway and knocked on the door only to have the two of them bombard him three seconds later.

"Sorry I'm late" He said, being edged toward the sides as Gabriela walked ahead of him. Frank frowned, looking at her quickly before back at Marco. He just shrugged as Frank looked at him oddly. Pulling the door closed behind him, he stepped off the step and began to head down the driveway.

"She's stressed. I don't want any shit today. Today is about Ma" He said, him and Frank falling into unison as they walked together down the driveway. It seemed longer than he imagined but he figure it was just because he was walking with Marco. They were in silence and it was strange. They were usually always arguing, the silence almost agonising. He almost didn't know what to say.

"You think I don't know that?" Frank snapped. Marco looked at him with a sigh but never responded as the two of them realised they were doing the exact opposite of what they should be. They fell back into silence and he realised he hadn't been in that position for so many years that now he didn't really know what to say to him.

Frank got in the passengers seat whilst Marco sat behind Gabriela's seat. The journey was silent and it reminded Frank of how it used to be growing up. He was always in the passengers seat and Gabriela and Marco behind. His mother would drive, but now Gabriela was. It was odd. "How's the thing with Jamie and Jesse at school?" Frank asked, looking at Gabriela as she drove. She tightened her grip on the wheel before clearing her throat.

"Jamie says he doesn't show up to school anymore" She said, keeping her eyes on the road. Frank looked toward her slightly before back at dashboard in front of him. Gabriela was almost uncertain of what she was saying as she spoke and it worried him a little. "He hasn't seen him in days but he's definitely not with his Dad cause you're with his Dad"

Frank sunk lower into the seat. "Scott still doesn't know"

"You haven't told him?" She snapped.

"It's not my place, Gabby!" He shouted in response. He could feel Marco's eyes on him widen and Frank sighed with anger at the thought. He began to fill the silence once again. "I can't just go nosing around in his kids life and telling him things his wife should be telling him. Obviously Scott doesn't understand that rule cause he went with you behind my back"

"Are you kidding me, Frank? That was for the sake of your health and the sake of your damn life!" She snapped, moving her head a little to face him with her eyes still glued to the road. Frank knew it wasn't good to argue with her whilst she was driving. It was bound to end badly. "If Scott never told me, you never would have, and you'd end up back in hospital"

"Hospital?" Marco cut in, placing his hands on the two front seats and leaning his head in the gap between them. He almost cut through the tension and Frank began listing the dumb things he was about to say. "Why? What's wrong with you?"

Frank turned in the seat quickly. "None of your damn business"

"Spine problems" Gabriela replied sharply, looking in the rear view mirror at him.

"Again?" Marco answered. "Jesus what happened this time?"

"Like I said, none of your damn business!" Frank snapped, almost jumping out of his chair ready to throttle Marco. He watched him sit back in the chair with a ridiculous frown on his face. "I'm handling it so you can back off, okay, I never asked for you to butt in"

"Spine problems and drug abuse. What's new with you, Frank? It's always fucking something with you!" Gabriela shouted.

Frank laughed bitterly. "Go ahead, Gabby. Say what you want to say. Say that I ruined your life, I ruined what you had left of high school" he then turned toward Marco. "I ruined your life too, I ruined your reputation. I ruined the whole fucking family! Say it!" The two of them were silent as Frank stared between them. "You know it's true. Just say it, you want to"

"That's not true, Frank" Gabriela answered finally, her voice calmer and quieter.

"Really? Then why do you both act like it is? Every time we get into stupid fights like this, about important things, one of you ends up pulling that card. Yeah, I ruined your lives, I ruined my own life but I'm not about to ruin what's left of Ma's" He answered.

The rest of the journey was silent.

\--

"It's nice to see you all together again" Rafferty said, as the three of them entered the room. He looked between them all, Frank sitting in the centre chair with the two of them grabbing chairs from the side of the room. His hands shook as he placed them on his knees. "Even in the circumstances"

"I should have listened to you before, I knew that this would happen, that it would turn into something more, something worse" Frank said, sitting forward in the chair. His eyes were fixated on Rafferty's eyes, full of worry and undoubted fear. He had no idea how the three of them would react together and he didn't even know how ugly it could get with the argumentative history between Frank and Marco.

"What are you talking about?" Marco asked, a frown on his face as he looked toward Frank. Frank sighed quickly, knowing that he'd react in that exact way. He may not know much about Marco, but his quick judgement and jumping to conclusions before the end of the sentence has left Frank's mouth, was a speciality since he was fourteen. "You knew about this and you didn't tell us?"

Frank shook his head sharply as he began to glare at Marco. He'd briefly mentioned to Gabriela about his mother visiting Rafferty's office but they'd decided not to tell Marco on account of it jumping to possible unnecessary conclusions. If Marco started having a go at him, Frank would sure as hell drag Gabriela down with him. "That is not what I said at all-"

"Shut the hell up, both of you" Gabriela snapped quietly, looking between them before back at Dr. Rafferty. Frank could feel so many emotions flitting through his veins at the same time, it almost burned for him to stay quiet. He could feel Marco itching to further their argument but he knew that Gabriela had a lot more to say later. 

"By the looks of things, you guys were not aware of your Mother's recent hospitalisation?" He asked, clasping his hands together on his desk. All three of them were silent as he spoke and Frank could see him look between them, obviously not knowing what to do. Clearing his throat, Frank spoke up quickly.

"Recent hospitalisation? How recent was this?" He asked, brows raised in confusion. He could feel Gabriela take hold of his hand resting on his knee and squeeze it. Her grip was so intense that he could feel his hand tingling and his skin began growing red. Everything was hitting him so quickly he almost didn't know what to do or say.

"Pretty recent. A week or two ago? I'm not surprised that she didn't tell you, it can be pretty bad news to break so I am glad I'm the one to break it to you three" Rafferty replied. "Johnny took it pretty well, but, it may be a little different here. Plus, Suri is a tricky one when it comes to things like this, her health"

"What news?" Gabriela asked quickly, leaning forward. Rafferty paused, heading to his computer and beginning to type away. Frank grabbed her hand quickly, pulling it onto his right leg and squeezing. She looked toward him, Frank doing the same before nodding at her.

"She'll be alright" he said quietly. Gabriela could only squeeze his hand in response. Frank eyed Marco as Rafferty continually typed away, and his leg was bouncing in anxiety. He felt exactly the same and for just a few seconds, Frank pushed their dumb feud aside and placed a hand on his shoulder. Marco nodded at him in response.

"Almost two weeks ago now," He began, sliding the screen toward them. "Your Mother had a stroke"

Gabriela's grip on Frank's hand was tighter than ever and he looked toward her, eyes glazing over. Marco was exactly the same and all three of them were lost for words. Frank was up top again; being strong for the both of them. He managed to get the words out even though he had a huge lump in his throat. The words came out more like a croak. "A stroke"

"The stroke was due to a subarachnoid haemorrhage on her brain," Rafferty pointed to an area on the scan in front of the three of them on the screen. It was a large white patch on the left side of her brain and it slowly imprinted itself on Frank's brain. "Johnny described her attack and it was a pretty accurate description. Suri then told me that she'd had this happen before but never proceeded to get any help"

"Now what can you do now that she's got help? You can treat it, right? Give her medication or therapy or something, right?" Frank asked.

Rafferty shook his head. "If we had caught it a lot earlier, when she'd first had attacks like this one and seen a doctor about it, then maybe we could have. She'd had one too many strokes at this point that it's caused a bleed on the brain that is unfixable. The only thing we can do now is monitor her"

Frank found himself shutting his eyes and sniffing as tears resurfaced in his throat. He knew the answer himself and he feared Marco and Gabriela knew the answer too. But he still had to ask, just for confirmation. Just to put it out there, to know that it was really happening, that it was actually true. That the nightmare from his childhood was resurfacing once again. "Monitoring her until what?"

Rafferty sighed, shaking his head. He pulled his glasses from his face and held them in his shaking hands. Frank knew that was his signature move for bad news. "In the nicest way possible, and I do not say this lightly, you just have to wait until she passes"

\--

Similar to the first, the journey was pretty silent. Marco drove Gabriela's car back, Frank sitting in the back seat with her as she lay into his body with his arm around her. Her whole body was heavy as she lay on him and his arm was becoming numb because of it. The three of them had sat in the parking lot for ten minutes after leaving Rafferty's office whilst she calmed down.

"I'll have to quit the force" Frank said quietly, not really meaning to broadcast his thoughts aloud. Everything was swirling around his head, all the sudden decisions he'd have to make but that seemed to be the main one right at the front of his mind. Gabriela didn't stir but her body rose and fell with a deep sigh as he spoke. "They'll understand"

Marco shook his head, looking at Frank in the rear view mirror. He could only see his eyes but they were full of the same patronising glare as usual. He could fearless himself tense up and he knew that Gabriela would noticed so he forced it down. "No, you don't have to do that. Maybe cut back on a few shifts, but, I'll be around when you're not"

"She's going to need more than your dire cooking skills, Marco. We'll all have to pull our weight" Frank snapped in response. His free hand was linked with Gabriela's and they were warm, the rest of his body shivering with the cold air on his left from Marco's open window. "You're talking to me about cutting a few shifts? You own a damn bar"

"You don't have to quit the fucking force, though, Frank. That's a bit extreme when Gab and I are here. Mike and Johnny are here, and we have the most extended family in history, I'm sure they won't mind helping out a little" Marco snapped back just as he pulled up to a red light on the street. "It seems to me that you forget they even exist sometimes"

"Can you stop arguing?" Gabriela asked, quieter and calmer than she usually would have. Frank finally realised how much it had affected her; she wasn't even stopping their arguments. "I don't want you acting like this when we get back to mine. Ma will have had enough sitting with the kids and Mike will be home from work and if you two are making it worse I will end up shouting and I don't want Jamie and Layla to hear that, okay?"

"Don't quit, Frank" Marco persisted once again, calmer and quieter also. Frank felt like he was the only one who was angry but he wasn't sure what he was angry about. Who he was more angry at - Marco, his mother, or himself for not doing something about it earlier. "I'm my own boss, I can take whatever time I need off. You're a Sergeant, it's not as lenient"

Frank couldn't be bothered to argue so he left it at that for the rest of the journey. He pulled his phone out of his pocket as he pulled away from Gabriela for a second. It vibrated in his hand, Karen's name flashing on the screen. "Hey baby" he said, looking out the window of the car. The trees zoomed past the windows at the speed Marco was driving. It tied him in knots. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, I was just checking in. Are you out of the doctors office now?"

"Yeah" Frank answered, feeling a lump form in his throat. He hadn't cried yet, but Karen's voice seemed to trigger it. It was all so sudden that he had to grip onto the back of his seat to force them back down. He stared out the window harder, trying to get lost in the city life ahead of him rather than sit there and have that conversation with her.

"How did it go?" She asked quickly.

"Can we talk about it in person?" He asked, swallowing hard.

"Of course, sorry, I should have figured, sorry" She answered repetitively.

"Don't apologise" Frank replied, "Listen, I'll try and get back before you go to work so I can drive you but-"

"Frank, don't worry" She said, "I'll drive myself, it's okay. Take as long as you need with your family"

Frank was silent for a few seconds, swallowing again and tightening his grip on the phone as he hands grew sweaty. Unclenching his other hand from the seat, he took a sigh of somewhat relief. He nodded, even though she couldn't see him. "Thank you"

"Remember that I love you" She answered.

He nodded again. "I love you"

\--

"Hey baby"

Frank watched Gabriela walk into the house and kiss her husband before being greeted by her children. He tried to imagine himself in that situation but with Karen and children of their own; he couldn't. Her mood had switched so quickly the instant Mike clapped eyes on her and somehow changed even more as Layla hugged her. Frank pondered his own mother doing that, lying right in front of his face. Marco had gotten straight back into his expensive shiny car and driven back to work because he was apparently "behind on work". Hypocritical much.

"Where's Ma?" She asked, looking up toward Mike.

Mike shook his head, "Johnny picked her up when I got here"

Frank rolled his eyes as the three of them headed through to the kitchen. Mike had seemingly only just walked in as he still wore a jacket and a gym bag lay on the counter. He shoved it aside and took the kettle from its stand and filled it with water to boil. "Great, Rafferty probably called her to let her know we were coming. She knew we'd want to talk about it"

Mike shrugged, "She never said anything to me"

Gabriela shook her head, "She wouldn't"

There was a short silence as the two of them began busying themselves in the kitchen, Gabriela hunting for some aspirin and Mike grabbing three mugs from the cupboard above him. He also hunted for some biscuits, pulling the tin from the highest shelf. Frank figured now a good time to drop the hugest bomb. "Listen, I'm supposed to be going away with Karen for Thanksgiving"

They both frowned quickly, Gabriela snorting a little on her water as she swallowed her pills before turning and looking at him. Mike did the same but instead had a chocolate biscuit half in his mouth, half in his hand. "What? Why didn't you tell me?" Gabriela asked as she linked hands with Mike. "You know I need a week to prepare"

Frank shrugged, "I honestly didn't think I'd go because I don't feel like I belong there with her and her family and now this has happened I really don't think I should? Is that wrong? Is it bad of me to do this, for me?"

"You meeting her parents?" Mike asked, a small grin on his face. He laughed when Frank nodded, Mike's newfound hilarity with the concept only making Frank more nervous about actually going through with it. It was such a rare concept that he literally couldn't picture himself doing it so his mind had convinced himself he wouldn't. But he probably would end up doing the exact opposite and freaking out. "There's no going back after that buddy"

Gabriela hit him harshly and he yelled in pain, dropping the other half of his biscuit to the ground. The kettle pinged as if on queue and Mike turned back to the counter and poured the water into the three mugs before picking the packet of coffee from the cupboard. "Don't listen to him. That's a real honour for you to meet her parents, don't fuck it up"

Frank shrugged, "How can I go and leave you to look after Ma? It will just prove Marco right, that cause he is his "own boss" he can do whatever he wants, and that  
I am the most incompetent cop in the whole of Manhattan"

"Ignore him" She replied. "God, Frank, sometimes I forget you're the eldest of us all because you act like a child so often. You're going. And you're borrowing some of Mike's clothes cause I never see you in anything other than a black tank top or a black jumper. You need to liven up"

"Put your Granny Gabby head away, it's not seventh grade" Frank answered, folding his arms before looking at the clock briefly. It was reaching 11:30 and he knew that a baseball game was on TV at 12:10 that he'd planned on watching which he would indefinitely miss now. "I can dress myself, thank you"

She narrowed her eyes before glaring at him. Mike handed her the coffee before handing Frank his own. As he sipped from it, he watching the two of them lace together, Mike wrapping his arms around her frame and positioning himself behind her. She linked hands with him. Frank almost spat his coffee back into the mug. "When do you leave?"

He just shrugged, "Friday, I think"

She widened her eyes quickly, "That's a bit short notice for work, isn't it?"

Frank shrugged, "Not when you're sort of suspended"

Mike laughed, so loudly it was more like a chortle as Gabriela's gasp was heard just as loud. Her coffee sloshed over the edge of the mug onto her hand, Mike resting his chin on the top of her head as he continued laughing a little. She nudged him with her elbow and he came to an abrupt stop. "Suspended? For what?"

"For being a dick, in short terms" Frank answered, sipping from his coffee once again. "I freaked out on a case and LePaul sent me away for two weeks. She was super pissed, and she's always pissed at me. It was like a whole other level. I also embarrassed myself in front of all eight of my neighbours. I don't know if it's filed as a proper suspension but it feels like one. Covers Thanksgiving though"

Gabriela rolled her eyes, "I don't understand you"

Frank laughed, "Well thats worrying, cause I don't understand me either"

"You nervous?" Mike asked, drinking from his mug before placing it on the counter. He wrapped his other arm around Gabriela, linking his hands resting on her stomach. She placed hers on top. Frank shivered a little and prayed that he and Karen weren't like that.

Frank frowned, "Me? Nervous? For what?"

"Meeting Karen's parents?" He asked, chuckling slightly. "I was nervous to meet your Mom. Wait no, I was actually more nervous to meet you because of how fucking huge you were and how I'd heard that you'd literally crush anyone that hurt Gabby. Looking back on it? Your Mom was a piece of cake"

Frank scoffed jokingly, "Of course I'm not nervous to meet her parents"

In all truth, Frank had never been more nervous about anything.


	34. guido and dora

Frank had to take a trip down to his storage unit behind his building to haul out his suitcase as he realised a duffel bag he used for work wasn't big enough for a whole week in Oregon. He knew that his neighbours wouldn't appreciate him rummaging around and making so much noise at 6am on a Friday morning and they already hated him enough. Once he had pulled it up every flight of stairs, he found a small box outside of his apartment. It was red and when he picked it up it was lighter than he thought it would be. 

He pulled his keys from his pocket and opened the door, rolling the suitcase inside. It landed next to the cupboard which he placed his keys on. The door closed slowly behind him and he pulled the lid off the box. A note sat on top of red crinkled tissue paper, neatly wrapped around whatever was wrapped inside.

_Just an early Thanksgiving present and a happy ten months....not that I've been counting or anything. X_

Frank smiled at the note, noticing it was written in the same thick black marker as when they first began their stupid exchanges under doorways on tiny scraps of paper. He tore it open and out slid a very thin cardboard box. On the front in yellow faded fancy writing it said _Life Is Beautiful Original Soundtrack (1997)_.

Frank's eyes widened as he looked at it, sliding the CD from the box. He turned it over and let the light bounce off of it. No scratches whatsoever. He frowned at it before studying it again and smiling. He placed it back in the box before hauling his suitcase into his bedroom to begin packing.

\--

Karen knocked on his door at exactly 06:59 and Frank didn't expect her a minute later. They weren't due to set off until 07:30 but he knew she would want a good half an hour to load the car up beforehand. He forced himself up at that time just for that specific reason. The flight wasn't until 10:30 but the airport was a good hours drive away. 

"Need any help?" She asked, her hands behind her back innocently.

Frank grabbed the red box and held it in front of her. "Where did you get this?"

She frowned, narrowing her eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about"

"These are so hard to find!" He exclaimed, waving it around. 

Karen shrugged, smiling as she walked inside and Frank shut the door behind her. She turned back toward the door to face him with the smile still on her face. "Thank Oregon. There's a retro music shop there and they have just about anything going back to as far as the 50s"

"If they have the movie when we get down there, I'm buying that too" Frank replied, walking up toward her and kissing her on the cheek before he headed toward the kitchen. He eyed the white bag he had prepared with his pills from Dr. Rafferty inside and grabbed it, shoving it in his backpack on the couch before she could see. 

"You don't have it?" Karen asked, frowning a little as she headed toward him. "I thought it was your favourite" Frank looked over his shoulder and saw her looking around on the surface at what else he had lined up to go inside a bag and he was suddenly grateful he'd removed the pills when he did.

He shook his head, "Got lost when I moved in here. Not at Ma's or anything. Just disappeared" He answered, shrugging as he hauled his bag toward the counter and began loading things inside. She began passing things toward him and his bag was loaded quicker than normal. "I think I'm set" he answered, before he picked the gift up once more. "Thank you for this, I didn't know we were doing gifts so?"

Karen shook her head as Frank walked toward the door with his bag, placing it on the top of his suitcase by the door. He turned back and she had followed him as she spoke. "Don't worry about it. This is the best gift you could give me anyway, it means the world you're coming to Oregon with me"

Frank just smiled, shaking his head as she headed closer toward him, shortening the gap between them and wrapping her arms around him. He shoved the CD in his back pocket before placing his hands on her waist. "I don't know how I'd survive without you for a week, anyway"

She laughed, her hand on the back of his neck as she leaned toward him. Frank did the same, only quicker so the distance between them was shorter. Their lips met and her arms made their way further around his torso. He pulled them closer together, one hand leaving her to shut the door before the two of them were leaning against it. 

Before Frank could kiss her again, she pushed him away. A semi good sign as he was usually the one to pull away. She cleared her throat, straightening herself out before shaking her head. He couldn't seem to meet her eyes as she smiled a little, kissing her cheek once again to avoid talking. "We're going to be late if we don't set off now"

Frank sighed and groaned a little. "But this is the last piece of privacy we have for a whole week?" 

Karen laughed before shaking her head, only to he ignored by Frank who began kissing her again. "We can't be late" she said, her whole body tingling as his breath hit the crook of her neck. "JFK," Frank kissed her over and over as she became breathless, her hand on the back of his head. "We have to get to JFK on time for the flight," Her lips met his once more before she laughed. "Frank,"

"If we're half an hour late?" He said between kissing her. "Surely we'll catch the flight in time" 

His lips were on her cheek when Karen kissed him back, pulling him closer once again. He was so caught up in kissing her and holding her close to him that when she pulled at the bottom of his shirt he let it ride half way up his body before stopping her. They parted and Frank hesitated in front of her, shutting his eyes and sighing loudly. "You're right. Let's go"

She was silent as he pulled his shirt down quickly, heading back into his apartment to gather more stuff. There wasn't anything left for him to gather and he found himself just musing around aimlessly. He could feel the almost sadness in the air hit him as her shoulders sagged when he walked away. He could feel his back aching subconsciously. "Sure" 

Frank spotted a jacket and realised he'd done nothing in his attempt at a distraction so he threw it on before walking back toward her. He hauled his bag on his shoulder and extended the handle on his suitcase, looking down at it. He found Karen's eyes there too. "So I tried to fit everything inside my duffel bag for work but...as you can see I gave in and had to upgrade"

Karen just laughed, folding her arms. "Ten months in and you're already turning into me. I knew I'd switch you off that duffel bag one day"

\--

"What's the situation with your parents then?"

Karen frowned, looking across at Frank from the passengers seat. They were fifteen minutes late picking up the rental car when they landed in Portland a half an hour later than planned and Karen seemed a little annoyed about it. The car was huge and the interior was almost brand new - he felt wrong for sitting inside. "What do you mean?"

"Which planet are they from, is what I mean" He replied, rolling his eyes. "What are their names, what do they do, what are they like?"

"Oh" Karen answered, her tone quite bored. Frank frowned and side glanced her. "Well my Mom's name is Veronica and my Dad's is Paxton. My Mom runs a bakery in the middle of the Bay and bakes the worlds best coffee cake. My Dad is an entrepreneur, marketing and selling houses along the coast and in the city in Michigan, New Orleans and Delaware"

Frank's eyes widened and he exhaled loudly. "That's a mouthful"

"It's been the same for the last twenty years, that's why" Karen replied.

"What about your siblings?" Frank furthered. "What do they do?"

"Belle is a realtor in the making. She is constantly travelling up and down the country to different states for open houses but she's stationed in Vermont. Toby is a golf enthusiast. He gets paid to work at a golf club in Arizona for a ridiculous amount of money because they shoot advertisements there for all kinds of different products. He's photogenic" 

Frank smiled as she talked, eyeing her look out the window and twiddle with the ends of her hair. He couldn't tell how she was feeling, whether she was still annoyed about their lateness or anxious to see her family. "And it's Toby's wedding we're attending, right?"

Karen nodded, "Right" 

There was a split second of silence between them before the music currently playing ended. Frank had insisted they play the soundtrack Karen had bought him and she didn't even try to disagree with him. The next song began playing and it wasn't even three seconds in before Frank turned the volume up. "This is my favourite" He said, looking away from the station as Karen was watching him with a smile on her face. "It's such a good part of the movie"

"Why is it your favourite movie?" Karen asked, her voice quiet even though the music was loud. He just about heard her, the quietness of her voice admirable. It was soft and he definitely knew she had taken interest, not just asking for the sake of conversation.

"Guido and Dora, the two main characters, remind me of my parents" He answered. "My parents are both immigrants from another country, looking for solace in America and building a life here, trying to protect their children in the this new world they've come across. In the movie they're trying to protect their son from the Germans and pretending that the Holocaust is a game to him; to keep up the hope they'll make it out alive"

"And do they?" Karen asked, her eyes widened a little with intrigue. Frank looked across at her briefly before back at the road, making sure he was aware of the signs on the freeway. Portland kept flashing here and there and as they appeared more frequently, so did Oregon.

Frank laughed. "That would be telling"

Karen hit his arm and the car swerved a little on the freeway. "Come on Frank that's not fair"

"Shh," he cooed, trying to hide his laughter as he spoke. "You're ruining the song and trying to get us into an accident, at this rate"

Karen went silent until the song had finished, Frank keeping his eyes on the road the whole time. The silence wasn't awkward but calming, and the music in filling the small spaces was peaceful. He was convinced Karen was falling asleep when he tapped her on the arm. It took a few attempts before she began to stir. He whispered as he spoke to he; "Hey you're going to miss it"

"Miss what?" she grumbled, sitting up in her chair.

Frank pointed to the sign ahead of them just as they drove underneath it:

_Welcome to Oregon!_

\--

"Just a left up here"

Frank ended up down winding roads with trees towering over the top of them. It had grown dark and he flicked the headlights on. He turned the wheel, heading down another road where the towering trees cleared and the light flooded back in. "Turn right into the driveway at the end of this road and they'll be a gate" She said, leaning forward and beginning to pull her shoes on again.

Frank did as she asked, pulling into the driveway as he approached the end of the road. He leaned forward as they rolled up to the gate and peered forward to look up ahead of him. The house was huge, an old building with a mixture of greens and blues painted along the outside. "Jesus, I didn't think it would be this huge" He said, looking toward Karen as she rolled down the window and pressed the buzzer. 

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Karen. Open up?"

Followed by a loud rumbling sound, the gate began to open inwards. Frank waited until the gap was big enough before driving through and up toward the doors. He saw other cars parked in lines and pulled up next to one of them. Karen was out the car as soon as it stopped and Frank looked at her in the rear view mirror. She ran toward a dark haired woman and hugged her tightly. He narrowed his eyes, trying to tell if his eyes were deceiving him and if it was her Mother or not. 

He pulled his jacket from the seat behind him and retreated from the car, putting it on before heading over toward her. Karen was chatting away with the woman as he approached. He smiled toward her, Karen turning toward him and grabbing hold of his hand. "This is him! This is Frank"

He held his hand out quickly, "Hi" 

She shook it firmly, a bright smile on her face. Frank wished he could match it, the only thing filling him up inside being anxiety. He hoped it would settle soon. "Why didn't you tell me his muscles were so huge? Nice to meet you, Frank. I'm Maggie, the house servant"

"Nice to meet you" Frank replied, shoving his hand in his pocket as Karen wrapped her arm around his waist. Her grip was strong and reassuring and he was grateful for it. He wrapped his own arm around her, the two of them pretty much linked together in front of Maggie.

"Anyone else here yet?" She asked Maggie, looking around the parked cars. Frank did the same, feeling awkward to just continue to stare ahead. The cars ranged in sizes, colours and models and all of them were most likely out of his pricing range. He tried to picture his rust bucket of a car in the middle of them all - he couldn't.

Maggie shook her head, folding her arms. She looked out at the cars too before Karen turned back toward her, eyes on her once again. "Toby and Dale went wedding shopping hours ago and haven't been back since. Belle isn't here yet, nor your father. Do you need help with your bags?"

Frank shook his head, "I'm fine, I'll carry my own stuff in"

"Nonsense," Maggie said, winking toward Karen before she laughed a little. Frank's anxiety grew massively as he had no idea whether he was the butt of a joke or what was even going on. "Let me do my job" Karen yanked on his arm, pulling him toward the door before he could. He looked over his shoulder as he felt his cheeks turn red when Maggie began to unload the car.

"Your parents have a house servant?" He asked, in a low whisper as they approached the door. "I feel bad for not helping, please can we go back?"

Karen shook her head. "We have to go and find my Mom," She said, tightening their "Maggie is paid more than I am paid. They treat her well and she likes helping people. She must like it cause she's been working here for 15 years"

Frank's eyes widened as Karen pushed open the large door ahead of them. The first thing that hit Frank was the smell of baking. The chocolate was rich in the air and he inhaled deeply. "Seems like Mom is in the kitchen" Karen said, instantly heading off down the huge corridor. Frank was left by the door, staring up at everything in front of him. It was so hard hitting he couldn't take it all in fast enough. "Frank!"

He saw Karen stood outside a door further down the corridor and began waking toward her. She grew in size as he approached and she held her hand out for him to take. She pressed her free hand on the door but Frank yanked her away. Karen frowned, looking toward him. "What is it?"

"Your parents aren't going to hate me, are they?" Frank asked. "I mean, we are polar opposites in stereotypes and I'm a cop from Manhattan I mean, it doesn't really paint the best image, does it?"

"They're stereotypes for a reason; we break them. They're going to love you" Karen replied, squeezing his hand. "They will love you because I love you. Okay? Please, just breathe. I've been standing pretty close to you and I've noticed you haven't been doing much of that. Now, come on"

Frank then found himself being pulled into the kitchen before he could object. Karen's hand slipped from his as she hugged the woman stood in front of them. Oddly, she wore dark clothes and an apron. Flour coated the apron and chocolate wrappers lay on the marble surfaces in front of him. "You look well, sweetie! How are you doing?" She asked Karen, holding her at arms length and looking at her.

Karen nodded, pulling her arms from her Mother's grip. Frank watched and noted that she was most definitely more relaxed now, maybe even happy, that she was around her mother. It was a different kind of happiness, though, and he couldn't quite label it. "I am fine. Exactly the same as when we last saw each other, believe it or not. There is someone I'd like you to meet. This is my boyfriend Frank"

Frank forced himself to step forward, with the help of Karen who linked their arms once again and pulled him forward. When her eyes landed on him he instantly regretted his outfit choice and almost everything about his appearance. Meeting criminals that could potentially end his life wasn't even this nerve wracking. "Nice to meet you, ma'am. Your house is, like magic. And the cookies smell amazing"

She couldn't help but laugh and shake her head as Frank held his hand out toward her. Frank noticed her smile and how her eyes crinkled at the corners when she laughed. A trait deeply engraved in Karen. "We'll have none of that, it's Veronica, Frank. Thank you for accompanying my daughter here, I've heard you make her very happy"

Frank felt his cheeks heat up again as he looked toward Karen. As embarrassed as he felt in that exact moment, he could pinpoint the very second that when he clocked eyes on her, his panic dissipated just slightly. Looking at her and how happy it made her that he was just there, talking to her mother, made the anxieties seem pointless. "I hope so"

She thumped him on the arm playfully and Veronica laughed at the two of them. He was grateful that she was so carefree and clearly liked to joke around otherwise he would have been completely on edge throughout the whole week trying not to put s foot wrong. "I hope you enjoy your stay, Frank. Don't be afraid to ask for anything, and we'll do our best to accommodate" 

"Thank you, it means a lot that you'd even think of inviting me" He answered, scratching the back of his neck. When his arm returned to his side, Karen linked theirs again, keeping them in close proximity. Remembering what she had said about his breathing, he tried to keep a rhythmic pattern going just so she would notice, but it actually helped him stay in control.

"Where's Dad?" Karen asked, looking at her Mother.

Veronica shook her head, "Still working. He won't be back til just before the wedding" 

Karen's whole body deflated and Frank watched her. "Oh, okay"

"Which is why we're having a welcoming slash pre wedding slash bachelor party tonight. Your brother thought it was strange to label it as a bachelor party but it seemed to fit, don't you think?" Veronica replied, leaning toward both of them with a wink. "I hope you like alcohol, Frank"

"I'm partial to a little drink now and then" He joked, a comfortable smile on his face.

Karen frowned, "Are you kidding me? You should have seen him the other week-"

"Alright, dear don't embarrass him. I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that later" Veronica replied, laughing loudly. There was a constant smile on her face and it was an odd sight for Frank. His mother rarely smiled freely and it hurt to admit it more than it should in that moment. "Anyway, we'll have a proper chat when I've gotten these done. How about you show Frank to his room?"

Karen raised her brows, folding her arms as she spoke. It took Frank a few seconds to see what the problem to her was before she spoke. "How about I show Frank to _my_ room? Where we will sleep together because we are a couple? Are we seriously going to have separate rooms whilst we stay here, Mom?"

"You know I have no problem with that but it's your father, Karen" Veronica answered, almost sadly. "He's been like this for as long as I can remember, even when Toby first bought Dale here for Christmas and Belle with Sebastian. He made them do it, he'll make you do it too" 

"Just because we aren't married we can't sleep in the same room?" Karen asked, raising her voice a lot higher and her brows somehow knitting themselves further together. Frank could feel the panic rise inside him once again as he could feel the control in the situation slipping away. "What do you think we're going to do? Infect the house with dirty sins?"

"Karen, it's okay, I'll have my own room, it's fine" he said, placing a hand on her arm as she unfolded them. She looked toward Frank as though to continue complaining but he then looked toward Veronica with a smile just so Karen couldn't talk his ear off and put him in an even more uncomfortable situation than he was already in. "Thank you, ma'am"

Karen never said anything further but she left the room, Frank hot on her heels as Veronica stared after them, mouth gaped. He took a sigh of relief as he left the room, following Karen down the same corridor they had walked before. "Wait up" He called, not too loudly, fearing it would echo. It did. "Karen"

She stopped at the end of the hallway, turning with her arms folded. "I don't know why I was excited to come here, I knew exactly how my Dad would act. I knew he would pull some stupid shit like this" Frank watched her laugh, bitterly before shaking her head. "I thought that by now, he would have grown out of it"

Frank took her by the shoulders, bringing her closer toward him. She sighed as Frank stared at her, letting all the bundled up anger seep out. She then wrapped her arms around him, Frank placing his chin on top of her head. "Please don't worry. Everything is going to be great. Especially because we're partying tonight"

Karen nodded, pulling away from him a little. "I guess you're right. I wonder if now is the time for my lethal drinking to come out. I've been purposely saving it til now so that nobody else back home is around and won't believe the stories you tell them"

Frank laughed as he pulled his phone out from the pocket of his jacket. "As much as you know I want to see that, I don't think it's a good idea when you have a wedding tomorrow morning"

Karen then grinned, "Do you want to see my dress?"

Frank frowned, "Of course I do. I'm insulted that I didn't get to see it earlier"

Karen yanked him along again, up the many flights of stairs in the huge, never ending home. He was yet to explore it and he already felt lost inside it when really, he had only just touched the outside. There was so many more places to see. As he half walked-half jogged, he began typing a message into his phone.

**Recipients: You, Gabby**

**You:** _I survived her Mom. She's nice and smiley like K and insists on a lethal amount of alcohol - what's not to love? However... Dad isn't back in town til tomorrow... Wish me luck._


	35. alcohol, humiliation and familial disputes

"I can't believe the first thing I'm doing in Oregon is buying alcohol"

Their hands were linked as they headed down the street. Frank looked toward her with a smile as she navigated him around the foreign town. He couldn't keep his eyes off everything, trying to take the different aspects in. It wasn't really how he expected, everything smaller and more closed in than it sounded. There really was a small population, he just didn't believe it at first.

Karen laughed, the spring in her step being something Frank hadn't noticed before. He figured it just an occurrence nice in Oregon - the place where she felt most at home. "My parents usually order things in cause the stock here is pretty small so you'll probably have to settle for lousy beers instead of the top notch ones Gabby buys"

Frank shrugged. "As long as it's alcohol, I'm fine"

She laughed once again. "Hopefully Belle will be there when we get back. I really want you to meet her"

He was lead around the corner as they headed into a new street. It was just as small as the one before, just as comfortable with only a few people milling about as they walked. It was a lot better than the busy Manhattan streets and the thought of getting used to the quiet actually crossed his mind. "Look, I'm going to meet her, it's just a matter of when"

Karen shook her head. "I want you to meet her before she and most likely you get smashed at the party tonight"

Frank laughed, the two of them heading into the store. "Right. I understand"

"Karen!"

She headed toward the counter and exchanged greeting with the woman behind it and Frank began looking around at the different types of liquor. Frank was completely shocked at how many people had approached Karen, and how warm and friendly she was with all of them. He turned toward them, heading toward the counter and placing his hand on the small of Karen's back. She looked up toward him with a smile. "Can we pick whatever we want? The budget your Mom gave us is pretty lenient"

Karen nodded. "There was one thing she needed more of but other than that, yeah, I guess"

"Awesome. How long have we got?" Frank asked.

"Not long. My Mom wants us to get back in plenty of time. We'll have more time tomorrow though, we could get a coffee down at the cafe before the wedding?" She suggested. "There are just so many things I want you to see and people I want you to meet, there isn't enough time"

He nodded, smiling. The feel of the town was already so humbly welcoming and the fact it was so small and everybody seemed to know everybody was an odd feeling. Frank felt that he could create a whole new persona around these people, be a completely different person. Maybe the person he wanted to be, but couldn't. "Don't worry, it sounds perfect"

She leaned up toward him, kissing him longingly. He could feel her smiling, his chest tightening with an unknown warmness. He'd slowly learned to familiarise himself with it. Familiarise himself with being happy. Her arm wrapped around his body, squeezing the two of them together before they parted.

"New boyfriend? You never told me!"

Frank turned toward the woman across the counter, eyeing her badge and noting the fact her name was Mika. Her hair was dark, streaked with colours that completely lit up her face and a double pierced nose. The two black piercings moved about as her nose scrunched when she spoke, and for some reason, Frank kept watching it. Karen laughed. "Didn't my Mom mention anything?"

Mika shook her head, arms folded with a gaped expression. Frank eyed Karen who laughed a little, little crinkles forming at the corners of her eyes as the smile spread across her face. The warm feeling returned and he found himself smiling at the ground whilst the exchange unfolded. "Not a word. She was probably waiting for tonight"

"Are you coming?" Karen asked. "Starts at 8"

She nodded. "I clock off at 8:30, I'll be there. So who is this lucky man?"

"Frank" he said, a smile on his face. "Nice to meet you"

They both shook hands, Mika winking at Karen as they did. Frank's cheeks flushed a little and he shook his head. All the attention and the climax of him meeting all the people who Karen cared so deeply about and thought so highly of was a little exhausting for him. "Pick anything you want and it's on the house. Don't tell Tyler"

Karen laughed, "Well he's probably invited too so you'll have to dodge him"

Mika shrugged, "Oh well. Your house is big enough. I'm sure there's hiding places"

The two of them laughed together and Frank just watched as it unfolded. He slipped his arm away from Karen and began heading around the store again. She did the same a few minutes later and they soon gathered up what was needed for the party. They carted the alcohol around the town and back up toward the huge house. They arrived at the gate which was just opening and a car was pulling into it. Frank watched Karen place the bags just inside of the gate before running toward the car.

He watched two men retreat from the car, the taller one hugging Karen as she practically jumped on him. As she pulled away from him, his face coming into view and Frank's insides sinking a little. His heart instantly began to pound and he could feel the bags slipping in his hands as they grew sweaty. He was too familiar, too anxiety-provoking for him to handle. Toby.

_[Who is Toby Page and why is he calling your phone?]_

Frank did the same with the bags, shutting the gates behind him before he headed toward the three of them. Karen just pulled away from him as Frank awkwardly approached. She then turned toward him, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him toward her. "This is Frank! This is the one I was telling you about. Frank, this is my brother Toby"

"Hi" Frank croaked, trying to remain as normal as he could. He knew that if he acted even just a little under normal, Toby would notice, and then Karen would notice. He didn't even have a lie prepared with a reasonable back story lined up along with it. "Thanks for the invite, it really means a lot"

Toby eyed him cautiously and Frank's heart pounded loudly in his ears. He prayed Toby didn't recognise him; he didn't know how he would even begin to tell Karen. The frown on his face was permanent, eyes continuously narrowed as he looked at him for what felt like a solid minute. "You seem familiar"

He frowned, cheeks flooding red. It had never happened so many times in such a short period. "I do?"

Karen frowned, "What are you talking about?"

Toby narrowed his eyes once more before shaking his head. Frank took a small sigh of relief, hoping that Karen didn't notice, as Toby seemed to dismiss the idea and move onto a different topic. Karen laughed, which pushed it away even further. "I don't know. Just seems a little familiar, that's all. Nice to meet you, Frank. I hear that you're a police officer"

Frank nodded. "That's right"

Before the awkward exchange could continue, Karen yanked on Frank's arm. He was grateful, Toby unable to speak once again as Karen filled the short silence the two of them had been so disinterested in the other to make. It was almost painful. "Where did you put the stuff?"

He motioned toward where the two of them had appeared from, the bags still sitting in front of the gate. They looked ridiculous sitting there by themselves and Frank didn't really know why he didn't bring them with him when approaching Karen in the first place. He didn't know whether to go back for them and just before he could ask, a voice filled the silence, Frank closing his mouth slowly.

"Karen, is that you?"

She was lost once again, talking to Toby's fiancé Dale, who Frank remembered being mentioned earlier. Him and Toby stood awkwardly in front of one another before he moved away from Frank and headed toward the house. Frank figured he better go back for the bags. When approaching the car once more, managing to balance all the bags in his two hands, he was called over by Karen.

"Holy smokes, Karen!" Dale exclaimed, Frank feeling the embarrassment fill up inside him once again. He wasn't even this complimented by his own family. It was a strange feeling, having to constantly reuse the same lines on all the different people he met after they pretty much all said the exact same thing to him. "Why didn't you tell me he was so attractive?"

"Cause I knew you'd try to steal him from me" She answered, taking two of the bags from Frank's grip before linking their arms together. Frank watched as the two of them laughed together - Dale seemed so carefree and joyful. He and Toby were so different and it was so obvious to Frank. There had to be something else underlying their engagement to keep them together, because all the external factors pointed to failure.

The three of them headed inside, a huge greeting happening right by the door as Karen headed in front of Frank toward a woman stood next to her mother. Maggie approached Frank, "I'll take those, Frank"

He held the bags out with a smile, Maggie taking them from him before disappearing into one of the rooms along the hallway. Frank watched Dale disappear up the huge staircase, Toby following him hauling huge bags behind him.

"Frank!"

His attention turned back from the two of them toward where Karen was stood. She beckoned him over and he headed toward her, a smile on his face. "This is my sister, Belle" She said, Frank's heart warming at how huge her smile was. He could only smile back, the warmth radiating off her so quickly - it was infectious. "Belle this is Frank"

She held her hand out and Frank shook it. He recognised her from the photograph on the wall of Karen's apartment. She too had a huge smile on her face and Frank now knew where Karen got hers from. "Nice to meet you,  Frank. I hope you're in for a week of alcohol, humiliation and familial disputes"

Frank raised his brows as they shook hands, Veronica scalding Belle whilst Karen laughed. The three of them were so similar in the way they acted, let alone in looks. Frank could definitely see that Belle looked like their Mother, as well as Toby. He could only figure Karen must look like their Father. "Sounds familiar. I'm sure I'll fit right in"

"You're late, Belle, are you going to be ready in time?" Veronica asked.

Belle nodded, "I don't take too long unlike you, Mother. We don't all need weeks to prepare for a party and hours to get ready"

Veronica scoffed, "I just want everything to be perfect"

Frank watched the two of them nod at her. "It will be, Mom" Karen replied, placing a hand on her arm. "They always are"

\--

Frank didn't know how many people were due to turn up but already by 8:30 the turn-out was more spectacular than any other party he had ever been too. He stayed with Karen the entire time, her arm constantly linked with his as she greeted everyone that passed her. He was surprised that she could remember all their names; Frank could hardly remember the names of the other 8 tenants in his building.

At one point in the night, Frank ended up surrounded by a group of Karen's friends, three girls who were overly dressed and overly bubbly. Also overly drunk so Frank could easily slip away to the back of the conversation, maybe even to the back of the room. One of them he learned through quietly observing the conversation was named Tara Lerner.

She was the only single one of the three, the other two having been married in the past decade. Frank took on all this information because the name Tara Lerner rang a bell in the weirdest way possible. "You're living in New York now, Karen?" She asked, waving a glass of champagne around in her hand. It sloshed over the edges as she did, Frank eyeing it cautiously.

"Yes" Karen replied, "I'm a waitress at a bar named _Shay's_ "

"The top bar in the whole city, you failed to mention" One of the other girls named Alana Patrickson pointed her wine glass toward Karen. She looked just like a typical suburban mother, Frank spotting certain traits he'd seen in his own sister as she stood in front of him. Karen just laughed, trying to match up to their exterior. He knew she hated talking about her work, about the reputation of Marco's bar, but if she said that then, she'd hate it even more.

"What about you Frank?" Tara asked. "What do you do?"

"I bet you $10 he's a lawyer" Alana said quickly, nudging Tara before he could reply. His face didn't falter, but he felt a little taken aback at the inability to answer for himself. "He has the face, the poker face and his aura just screams "lawyer" to me" She frowned, taking a long sip from her glass before shaking her head.

"Make it $20. He's a soccer player" The third girl, a small blonde girl named Maya Hansen replied, looking toward Alana with a grin on her face. Frank could sense the hierarchy between them, the two of them considerably lower than Tara Lerner herself. He felt a little strange as the three women were looking at him, tying to establish his occupation based on his looks. "Look at his arms, his legs. If he doesn't go the gym everyday, would they look like that? I don't think so"

"You're all wrong" Tara said, more of an announcement than a statement. "Bring it in ladies; he's a cop. It's obvious"

Frank frowned, still trying to stay as neutral as possible. "How did you know?"

Tara smirked a little, shaking her head as she drunk the remnants of her wine. Frank eyed Karen whilst he could, whilst her eyes were not on him and instead on the bubbly liquid at the bottom of her glass. When she finished the drink, Tara sighed. "I've mounted plenty of cops in my time and sir, you are definitely built like one"

"I wouldn't say cops have a certain build" Frank answered, feeling a tad awkward as Karen squeezed on his arm tightly. "You should seen my partner. Skinny and weedy as shit. You'd never think he was a cop. Ever"

She laughed, "He must have been the one that got away, then"

Frank sipped from his glass once more as the conversation shifted away from his occupation rather swiftly as Tara's response shut him up. He couldn't help but try to think of where he had seen her before the whole time she was talking, but nothing came back to him. They began talking about how boring marriage was and how Alana had kids and Maya was desperate for a divorce. "You ever think about getting married, Karen?"

Tara spoke once again and Frank perked up quickly. Karen's cheeks had flooded red and Frank watched her respond. He wasn't sure how he himself would answer the question, let alone Karen. He figured she'd make something up to please her friends and keep the discussion as light as possible but it could be how she actually felt and Frank would brush it off like it was nothing. Did she want to marry him? "Who knows?"

"Was that a hint?" He asked, causing the three of them to laugh. Karen shrugged, laughing as well as sipping from her wine glass. He figured playing cool was the only way to go and to freak out about the situation when he was alone, preferably later.

"Who knows" she repeated, looking away from Frank and back at the girls. The idea floated in his mind for a little while and he once again tried to picture himself in Gabriela's position: married to Karen, with children. It was almost impossible to reach that far into something in his mind as relationships were not his forte and always seemed to end somewhere down the line. He'd never pictured it with anyone.

"Where did you say you were from again, Frank?" Tara asked.

He frowned. "I didn't"

"Care to enlighten us anyway?" She asked, shaking her head a little.

"Born in Manhattan, Italian Origin" He answered. "Pretty boring, why?"

She narrowed her eyes and shook her head and Frank could only deepen his frown so much without looking suspicious. He could sense the others' eyes on him, as well as Karen's and he tried to remain as calm as possible. "You remind me of someone I used to go to High School with. I lived in Manhattan before I lived here"

Frank froze quickly, averting the subject as quickly as he could, sipping from his glass and shaking his head. Her name kept jumping at him in his head and he tried so hard to picture her at the same school as himself. It was probably where Karen knew her from. However, the other two were completely unknown to him. "There's hundreds of schools in Manhattan, how can you be sure?"

She shrugged. "I'm not. Just a feeling"

After a small and definitive awkward silence, the conversation averted once more and Frank pressed his lips to Karen's temple. He knew his timing was terrible and that slipping away when the conversation was uncomfortable was his specialty. He knew Karen knew that about him, too, and was bound to question him on it when she could. "Going for a refill. Back soon"

He slipped away quickly, heading through the crowds of people he didn't know toward the kitchen. There were the odd few people around but once they left, Frank headed toward the basin and ran the faucet. He filled his glass with water before turning away and leaning on the edge.

Merely seconds later, Belle entered the room. "Frank! Hi"

He smiled, "Hey"

"You okay?" She asked, heading into a cupboard above the counters. She pulled out a bag of _Twiglets_ before diving into another and pulling more snacks from inside. Usually, Frank would have taken a liking to them, usually so drunk that any shitty party snacks would do to settle his stomach. But the marriage had flipped his appetite rather suddenly.

"I'm good, just getting a refill" He answered, taking a long sip from his glass. The water was cold down his throat and his heart was just starting to stop beating in his ears. It soothed him, helped him regain rhythm and control in his body as he drank the water quicker than ever. His thirst seemed to grow stronger with every mouthful.

"Whoa" Belle said, with a small nervous laugh. If he wasn't already a complete anxious mess, Frank would have been analysing the awkwardness between them and how he knew next to nothing about Belle to talk to her about. "Not even stopping for breath on the wine" Frank looked the glass quickly, swallowing before his cheeks turned a little red. Belle headed over toward him with a frown. "You're not drinking wine, are you?"

Frank shrugged, "Guilty. Don't tell Karen"

"Why?" She asked.

"I didn't have the heart to tell her I don't like it" He replied, extra quick on thinking up a feasible lie. He almost smiled. His heart rate had lowered quickly and he was finally focusing on something other than that so he was able to think of such an air tight alibi.

Belle laughed, it having worked and Frank lowering the glass toward his stomach.  He could just about sense that his hand was shaking with the glass in it - Belle too preoccupied with the snacks to notice, thankfully. "Your secret is safe with me. Why don't you have a beer instead?"

Frank shrugged, "I'll finish this first"

She nodded. "Sure. There's fireworks starting in a few minutes, you coming?"

He nodded also, "I'll be there in a minute"

\--

The fireworks display had already started by the time Frank joined them, weaving through the crowds to find Karen. There were so many chorused "ooh" and "ahh"s that Frank rolled his eyes. Once he had found her, he tapped her on the shoulder. She turned as one of the fireworks lit up the sky, Frank leaning up to watch it. "Hey, there you are!"

He looked back down toward her, a guilty frown on his face. He was almost thankful that it was so dark that she couldn't see it clear enough. "Sorry, getting a refill took longer than I thought it would. The place is so busy and I may have gotten a bit lost on the way back. I saw your sister, though, and she guided me"

Karen nodded, pulling him toward her and wrapping her arm around his waist. "I thought you ran off because of what the girls were saying. I'm sorry, it was dumb and I haven't seen them all pretty much since High School so the ugly stereotyping questions were sort of a given"

He frowned a little, shaking his head. He figured she'd say that, that she knew him so well that he'd exit the conversation as soon as it got uncomfortable. Now he had to try and work out where he could have seen the three girls in High School. "No, no. I didn't mind that"

"Even the part about Tara bragging about how many cops she has "mounted" in her time?" She replied, frowning as Frank laughed. It was so awkward that it was laughable. The embarrassment on Karen's face was laughable too and she seemed to join in after a few seconds.

"Even that" he answered, wrapping his arms around her. Tara Lerner was the type of person to brag about everything she owned as she would probably end up being a trophy wife in the near future so it was practically unavoidable. Her name still rang bells in Frank's head and he was still unsure of where she had appeared from. Where she fit into his past.

"I'm sorry about the whole marriage thing. I was cornered" She answered. "I know that we haven't even talked about it and I don't know your views on it. We don't even have to talk about it, I mean, who knows what's going to happen, right? Marriage might be a terrible idea to you, or to me, I don't know"

Frank shrugged, sort of cutting her long babble off a little. "It's not your fault. I know how it can be, pressured into saying something at a family party that you don't want to. Trust me, I am the biggest one for that shit"

She nodded. "Sorry if it made you uncomfortable"

Frank shook his head. "Thinking about it, I'm not exactly...opposed to the idea"

Karen's brows raised. "Seriously? You'd get married?"

He frowned, shaking his head. He could picture Gabriela laughing at him, laughing at everything that was coming out of his mouth, knowing that he was scared of commitment and wasn't a fan of the ties it bought. "Jeez, what is happening to me? Not even weeks ago I would have run from the idea of settling down"

But somewhere along the lines of the trip, a switch had flipped. Something inside him had changed. He could feel water flowing backward in his mind but still seeming to make sense. It was bizarre. He loved it - he loved her. She laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull the two of them closer. "You're falling in love"


	36. i now pronounce your stomach pumped

Frank was alone when he woke which was unusual. There was no snoring from the other room coming from Scott and the room was at an average temperature. He sat up, his body clock being completely out of balance so that he ended up waking at 7:30. He looked around the room and how bright it was that early on. The light colours on the wall were to thank for that, the sunrise streaming through the shades.

He reached for his bag that lay against the side of the bed. He pulled out the thick box, opening it and seeing that the all the packets were empty. He cursed quietly, rolling out of bed as pain-free fully as he could. It didn't work. He grabbed his keys and phone from the bedside table and stood, taking the sweatshirt from the end of his huge bed and putting it on. He did the same with sweatpants before picking up his boots. Rummaging through his backpack once more, he found a bottle of water.

Frank crept along the hallway, wondering who was sleeping in what room; where Karen was sleeping. The house was warm, reminding him majorly of Karen's apartment. He almost didn't want to leave. He finally found the stairs, heading down them toward the door.

"Frank?"

He turned quickly, almost dropping his boots onto the marble flooring. He saw Maggie stood by the bottom of the stairs with two trash bags in her hands. He waved a little. "Just left something in my car, that's all"

Maggie nodded. "Oh right"

Frank then headed outside swiftly, walking down the gravelly pathway toward the car. It looked out of place compared to the others; even the colouring looked off. For a rental, it was in desperate need of a wash. He shoved the key into the lock and opened the door, leaning into the car as he rummaged around. The stretch hurt his back, causing him to groan as he reached for the box of pills on the flooring behind his seat. Once he reached them, he pulled himself out of the position and sat in the seat, sighing loudly. 

His back throbbed violently as he tried to relax into the chair. He opened the box of pills and took two out quickly. Swallowing them down with the water, he sighed loudly, sitting there in the car until the pain died down to some extent. Frank closed his eyes as he lay back against the seat, feeling himself falling back to sleep as he did. Even though it never felt like a proper sleep completely, he didn't know how long he lay there before his phone rang. 

Jumping up in the seat, he realised the pain in his skin had dulled. His phone flipped in the air and landed on the floor by his feet. He sighed, reaching for it quickly. Once he grabbed it, he saw Gabriela's name flicker across the screen. "Hello?" 

"You are never going to believe this shit, Frank" she said quickly, Frank perking up. Her tone alerted him, and he didn't even have time to run possible scenarios through his mind before his mouth opened.

He began to get out the car, shoving the box of pills in his back pocket. They didn't fit comfortably, the box more of an off square shape than a usual rectangular box he'd had in the past. "What?"

"Jesse Sardarov turned up to my house with speed in his bag" She blurted quickly, seeming to take a huge sigh of relief after speaking. "Like, he actually had it in his bag. A huge load of it"

Frank stopped as he shoved the car door closed. It slammed in the silence as he stood there, the wind picking up around him. He regretted wearing only a vest top to go to his car. "Are you serious?"

"Of course I am" Gabriela answered. "God, everything was such a blur, it was crazy. Mike actually thought it was his! I knew it couldn't be given what you've told me is going on with Scott's marriage, I knew they'd be something to do with his wife. Scott is absolutely fuming, he is so angry I have never seen anything like it" 

"I bet he is" Frank answered, walking toward the house. "So you spoke to him? Nicest way possible, Gabby, what has it got to do with you? Why did you call me? Why didn't Scott call me?"

"Mike was looking after them and apparently Jamie found them in his bag and they were arguing over what they were going to do with it" Gabriela said. "He called me and I called Scott. His wife turned up with some random guy, it was so weird. Scott looked so- he just looked kinda sad, you know? He's a completely different guy when she's around, a smaller guy"

"It's that fucking mail man, he's bad news" Frank answered, heading through the gate toward the door. "Scott doesn't know his actual name, and I can't exactly snoop into his business and his life just because I want to. No matter how much I try to talk him into doing it, I can't. It's up to him"

"You're telling me. He was half dressed, wearing shorts. It's fucking snowing outside" Gabriela replied, laughing a little. She sighed in the silence. "Oh wow, I wish you were here. Jamie would have loved it if you'd arrested his ass"

Frank laughed. "What an asshole. Why didn't Scott arrest him? Those drugs are bound to be his. Must have hidden them in Jesse's bag or something. It's the last place you look for drugs, that's not enough evidence?"

"I said the same thing. I don't know why he didn't arrest him, I'm not a cop, Frank, am I?" she answered before sighing loudly. He could picture her running her hand through her hair and shutting her eyes like she always did when she was fed up. "Anyway, he wants you to call him so do it as soon as I get off the line"

Frank opened the door, heading inside and closing it lightly behind him. "Will do"

"I gotta get back to work but I'll call you later. Have fun at the wedding" Gabriela replied quickly. She had ended the call before Frank could say anything more. He was at the bottom of the stairs when he began to head up them slowly. He punched a message to Scott into his phone.

**Recipients: You, Scott Sardarov**

**You:** _Can't call right now. File for search warrant for Elise's house for more drugs & put forward to judge about Jesse staying with you because of it. Call Johnny Rickett, friend of my Ma's and a real estate agent and look for a house - courts want a stable home before they consider where to put Jesse. 034-8117-3745 - Frank_

He was at the top of the stairs once he had finished and began counting the doors along to find his room. Karen had laughed at him when he said it was his way of remembering which one was his. He didn't want to accidentally go into the wrong room and somehow freak someone else out. Once he arrived at his room, Karen was stood at the window peering out. Upon his entrance, the door creaked and she turned quickly. She smiled.

"I always loved this room" She said, lingering at the window for a second more. Frank watched her, a smile playing on his face before he ducked down toward his backpack and shoved the box of pills in there. "I used to have all my friends over in this room cause it was better than my one"

She then turned toward him and walked across the room. He waited for her to stop in front of him, looking up toward him. She was remarkably calm considering they were attending her brother's wedding in merely a few hours. "Where did you go?"

"For a walk" He answered, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. The scar was still there; still a bump underneath his fingers. His heart sped up every time he felt it and everything hung in his chest when he did.

"Fancy another? Breakfast is on me"

\--

"We have to be down at the Church for 12:30 so we can't stay here long. The wedding doesn't start until 1 but my Dad is gonna be there and I want you to meet him before the service. And we've got to have pictures and stuff, you know? It's all really excessive, I guess"

Frank instantly began to sweat, wanting to distance himself a little from her but they walked down the street hand in hand. And even if he did, she'd notice something was up - like always. "Is it wrong to be ridiculously nervous for that? Like, I feel ridiculously on edge about this"

Karen laughed, squeezing his hand as they turned the corner on the street. His eyes were still flitting around the entire place, still drinking in all the different places and how tidy and warming the entire town was. "You're going to be fine. My Dad is...intense. But a good intense"

Frank's eyes narrowed. "How is there a good type of intense, really?"

Karen laughed once again, scratching behind her ear where the scar was. Frank couldn't help but wonder if it hurt or not. "I lied. There isn't. But you're still going to be fine, and he's going to love you. You're a man who is dedicated to his job and to finding justice for people. That's exactly what he's about"

He rolled his eyes as they entered a cafe on the corner of the street. The aroma of coffee was strong, along with croissants and hazelnut all mixed together. For a small cafe, it had a wide range of food and beverages and there were exotic muffins of all kinds that he had to tell his sister about. He knew she would love them all. "If you say so"

They grabbed a seat at a table in the window, Frank sitting opposite her as she grabbed the tiny menu from the table as she sat. His eyes scouted the pictures of coffee beans on the walls and the perfectly candid "satisfied customers" drinking cups frothed with cream. "Well, I'm excited"

"So am I" He answered, looking back toward her quickly. Her eyes were still surveying the menu for something to drink and he watched her, eyelashes fluttering all over the place delicately. A smile appeared on his face before he spoke once again. "I'm excited that you're excited. I haven't been to a wedding in forever"

"The last one I went to was my Aunt's when I was 9" Karen said, placing the menu on the table in front of them. As she paused, a smile appeared on her face accompanied with a small laugh. Frank could only smile at her, his heart filling up so fast. "I was angry cause Belle got to be the flower girl when I wanted to" 

Frank laughed, shaking his head as he pulled the chair in from between his legs. He fit nicely at the table and Karen was already slouching in her seat. "The last wedding I went to was my Sister's. I got so piss drunk at the after party that I had to get my stomach pumped. Mike had a grudge against me for so long because I supposedly "ruined the wedding" or whatever"

Karen burst out laughing in the quiet cafe and Frank looked over his shoulder to see the one customer actually sat enjoying the peace had looked up toward them. He laughed along with her, the two of them almost floating in their own little bubble away from everyone else. Nothing could get in the way or ruin it. It was happy. "No way"

Frank just nodded. "True story. I'm surprised Gabby hasn't told you before, it's her favourite story ever"

She recovered from laughing and Frank just watched her the whole time. He hadn't seen her happier, ever, and despite how much she talked down about her family before the trip, she did love them. She perked up once again as Frank was too mesmerised to even speak. The cafe aroma seemed to urge it on. "I forgot to tell you, I saw some apartment listings in the paper the other day, you wanna check them out when we get back?"

Karen placed her hands on the table and Frank leaned over and grabbed hold of them. He pulled them toward him, pulling Karen closer toward the table. She looked at him as he held onto her hands, the two of them gripping onto each other tighter and tighter by the minute. He figured he had to speak at some point otherwise she would laugh at him. "Sounds great"

A smile flickered across her face. Frank had never felt more right in his whole life.

\--

Straightening his tie in the huge full length mirror of his room, he stared at himself for multiple seconds. Staring at himself reminded him of 1994 - attending a funeral with his parents and Gabriela. His Dad stood in the mirror next to him, smoothing his first ever tuxedo out before smiling at him. The one thing he had said to Frank was "You're gonna be the most handsome boy there". 

He pulled himself away before the self loathing started and every little piece of him that hated himself came out to play. 

"Knock knock" Frank turned toward the door, feeling like he basically couldn't move in his tuxedo. Karen stepped into the room slowly, her dress bouncing around her legs. The colours blended from a pastel blue and white and the colour of her hair complimented it so well. He looked toward her and he couldn't help but smile. He had never smiled so much in his life. 

"I can't believe my date is going to be the most beautiful person there" He said, crossing the room to meet her. Looking up toward him, she couldn't help but beam. Even with heels on she wasn't taller than him. Frank was suddenly grateful for the tuxedo he borrowed from Mike, because his own would have looked even more shabby next to her - she looked even more elegant and graceful up close.

Her cheeks flushed a little red, her hair bouncing when she shook her head. "No way, shut up"

He smiled, shaking his head as he wrapped his arms around her. They were so close together and their arms so entangled that he almost wanted to skip the wedding entirely. "Here's to your wish of finally being a flower girl and me definitely not getting my stomach pumped" 

She just laughed, leaning up to kiss him gently. Her lipstick was bound to leave a mark and Frank checked in the mirror along the hallway as they walked together. He then learned there was indeed a car waiting for them out front. He climbed in after Karen, the two of them sharing a car with Belle and Veronica along with another guy in a tux who Frank didn't recognise.

"Frank this is Seb, Belle's husband. He was out on business and flew in with my Dad" Karen said, introducing the two of them. Seb was a tall man, his hair a sandy blonde in colour and his suit even more slimming than Frank's. He could tell that the shirt he was wearing emphasised his body and Frank almost looked down at his own in shame.

Instead, he leaned forward and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, Frank" Seb said, a warm smile and a firm shake leaving a reassuring impression on him. All of the stereotypical tropes Frank had lined up merely from appearance disappeared quickly as he spoke as Seb seemed like an innocent guy. No wonder Belle married him - he almost didn't expect any less.

"Is Dad meeting us at the Church?" Belle asked, looking toward Veronica whose posture was upright the entire ride. Frank got back ache just watching her. Belle sat opposite, Seb holding onto her hand tightly. Frank eyed them before the urge to grab Karen's hand took over. He laced their fingers before looking at her. She just smiled at him.

Veronica nodded, "He should be there, yes. He had something else to tend to when he got here so he left Seb at the airport"

Karen squeezed Frank's hand at her response and it only made his heart pound even more. It was loud in his ears and the rest of the conversations on the journey there were a complete blur to Frank. It was only a short ride but somehow there was always something to talk about. His heartbeat played like a rhythm in his ear that wouldn't shut off and at this point, he started bouncing his leg.

They arrived to a huge entrance, pretty much everyone who was at the party the previous night stood before them as they retreated from the car. People snapped pictures, whether it be professional photographers or just family friends and Frank almost felt famous just because he was on Karen's arm. There was a blue theme running around the place, the flowers and balloons everywhere outside the church matching the colour and Frank now knew why he had to wear a blue pocket square.

Frank held onto Karen's hand the entire way as she lead him around and he realised that a lot of these people looked a lot different in daylight. He couldn't help but eye the group of people to see if Tara Lerner would make an appearance at any point. They approached the Church door and he saw Toby and Dale stood there, each talking to different people.

"Dad!" Karen exclaimed as she let go of Frank's hand and headed over toward where Toby was stood. Frank's throat closed up at the complete wrong time, his nerves getting the better of him. The way Karen ran into his arms and how he willingly accepted her just caused Frank to ache a little inside. The last time he hugged his father was almost 17 years ago.

He did his best to head toward them, keeping a safe distance so that he wasn't intruding on their conversation. He could feel his phone buzzing in his pocket but he ignored it as it probably looked unprofessional. After a few minutes of them talking together, Karen finally looked over her shoulder in search of him. He smiled as she grinned at him, beckoning him toward her. He headed over and she grabbed him by the hand as he was by her side.

"Dad this is Frank" Karen said, "My partner. Frank, this is my Dad, Paxton"

Paxton was tall, somehow even taller than Frank, and he could definitely see that Frank smiled as best he could as Paxton eyed him up and down. Seconds later, he held his hand out toward Frank and he shook it, trying to give as firm a shake as he could. "Firm shake. I like it" Paxton said gruffly. "Nice to meet you, Frank. Thank you for making my daughter as happy as you do"

"It's my pleasure, Sir. I try and do whatever's best for her" Frank answered, trying to keep his voice as steady as he could. Paxton's face was extremely blank and it terrified Frank to his core. He couldn't read him and reading people was his speciality. It made him feel comfortable. "She means more than you'll ever know"

Paxton finally smiled a little, nodding his head. He looked toward Karen before back at Frank. He still couldn't read Paxton and figure out what he thought of him, though he calmed himself by figuring he would work out how to do it over the next few days. He would get used to him and feel more comfortable around him. "What lovely things to say. I hope you feel welcome in our home"

Frank nodded. "I do, it's wonderful. I've never seen anything like it, it's so huge and dreamy. I wish I could afford something like that but it's most likely not on the cards for me. Thank you for letting me stay, thanks so much"

"No need for thanks," Paxton answered curtly but with a smile. He spoke with a warm tone but he face still wouldn't crack heavily. His smiles were only limited. "As the partner of my daughter, you are always welcome"

Frank just nodded, smiling at him once more. "Thank you, Sir. Thank you"

He was pulled away by someone the second Frank stopped speaking and he took a huge sigh of relief as Karen nudged him. His eyes were still on Paxton but his back was to Frank. Karen just laughed, pulling him away to break him from the stare. "See? You survived. And he likes you"

"How can you tell?" Frank asked, looking back toward him to see if he was possibly talking about Frank. His heart started to slow a little, but his head was still talking at him about things that didn't even matter. He figured he should talk to Dr. Rafferty's about anxiety pills. "Is that just his face with everyone?"

"I'm not going to lie, but yes that is his face with everyone. But, I saw a difference. A twinkle" Karen answered, kissing Frank on the cheek as she smiled. She stroked along his chest and smoothened out his suit before looking up toward him. "It's a good thing. Trust me"

People began to file into the Church behind the two of them and they secured their hands as they joined the stream through the door. Frank kept his eyes on her and when he had the moment, he spoke in her ear. "Partner"

Karen turned briefly, "What?"

"You called me your partner" He answered, being pulled by Karen down to the pews toward the front of the Church. They were both seated in seconds, Karen looking toward him with a little bit of embarrassment on her face.

"Only if you'd like to?" 

Frank just nodded. "Of course I would"


	37. because i think i fell in love with you

By the time the service was over, Frank was desperate for a drink. The after party was held in the hotel across the street from the church and it was the brightest thing in the entire town. The music was booming throughout the whole hotel even though the party was only held in one room. Frank followed Karen through the lobby as they stayed back at the Church for quite a while after the service for pictures.

The two of them entered the room and Frank looked around it slowly. There were so many people, and Karen was instantly off talking to people. It made his heart happy as she smiled at them and her eyes twinkled in the dark. He stood whilst she introduced him to almost everyone she spoke to but it didn't take much as most were very closed conversations. Once she finally decided to get a drink, the two of them headed toward the bar.

"Beer?" She asked, the two of them stood side by side in the harsh lighting of the bar. The music was loud, almost too loud for him to hear her speak but he just about heard what she said. There was a smile on her face and he didn't really have the heart to say no.

Frank nodded, "Why not"

She ordered a glass of wine before they headed toward the table where her family were due to sit. Bags were placed there but there was no sign of Veronica and Paxton. It didn't seem to matter as Karen drunk the majority of her drink before placing it on the table. Frank never sipped from his beer before doing the same.

"Ready to dance?" She asked, taking hold of his hand. Raising her eyebrows, she grinned at him before pulling on his arm. He laughed a little, shaking his head before looking at the ground ahead of him.

"I told you, I don't dance" Frank answered as she tried to pull him further toward the dance floor. He shook his head again, more adamantly this time and pulled her back toward him at the table's edge. "I'm terrible, ask anyone I know they'll tell you. I'll only embarrass you, Karen"

"Please?" she asked longingly, waving his arms around at ridiculous angles in an attempt to change his mind. He only shook his head before lowering their arms. "I don't care embarrass me! Toby and Dale are dancing, Belle and Seb are dancing, I finally have someone to dance with and he won't dance with me"

"I honestly have two left feet" Frank replied, shrugging and folding his arms. He looked at the floor before back at Karen, sighing at the disappointed look on her face. He could already hear Gabriela laughing at him, but the sadness on Karen's face overpowered it a little. "I can't dance"

"I call bullshit" Karen yelled accusingly, folding her arms to match his expression. "What did you do in High School at Homecoming? And Prom? Just stand there like a loser with nobody to dance with?"

( _We danced in the parking lot at two am once everyone had left with a shitty beatbox playing_ The Flamingoes.)

"You think I danced at those events?" Frank answered, brows raised a little. His face scrunched up, shaking his head. "No way, I was way too cool to dance, considering my Sister had bullied me into thinking I was terrible at it. Because I am"

( _You held my hands tightly because your heels were wobbly and you didn't want to fall on the concrete floor._ )

"You didn't dance with anyone?" She asked, walking toward him with a frown on her face. "You didn't ask a girl to prom and dance with her? That's sad, Frank. Surely you got all the girls coming after you in High School, I refuse to believe that you didn't"

( _The song choice was poor;_ The Flamingoes _being the only thing you had on tape back then. It was a substitute for your favourite_ Joni Mitchell _song._ )

Frank just shrugged. "Wasn't at the time. I had my friends back then. Let's say... even if I wanted to dance with someone, the one person I would have wanted to dance with, she didn't go so I didn't see her and couldn't ask her. There, you happy now?" 

( _I was drunk and you were glowing._ )

Karen's mouth gaped. "She didn't go?"

( _The headlights of my car bounced off your eyes._ )

Frank shook his head. "Nope"

( _You told me I couldn't dance and laughed at me._ )

"I can't believe she blew you off" Karen replied, shaking her head as she pulled him toward her. "That's such a shitty thing to do. Did you confront her about it? Or was she one of those people who didn't like Prom and stuff?"

( _And I told you I was amazed at how you were still here. Still tolerating me._ )

"She didn't even know how much I liked her so she was hardly blowing me off" Frank answered, pulling away from Karen's grip and placing one of his hands on the small of her back. "It was difficult, back then, things were...private. I couldn't really announce anything"

( _You told me that it was different, it was interesting. That I was special to you._ )

"You didn't tell her?" Karen almost shouted, leaning away a little as she placed her free hand on his shoulder. Frank was beginning to get uncomfortable with telling the story but he knew Karen would figure something was up if he didn't finish. "This story gets worse as it goes on, I expected better from you, Frank"

( _I smiled, wondering if you could feel how fast my heart was beating right there and then._ )

"Not my thing" Frank answered, shaking his head. The lights from above them hit her face with all sorts of shapes. Frank tried smiling. It was getting scarily close to the entire truth coming out and if Karen pushed any further, the entire thing could be a disaster. He contemplated asking of her prom to see if she would lie. To see if she'd even remember it like he did.

( _You smiled back, your heart beating just as fast as our chests were pressed together._ )

She shook her head in disbelief and Frank just laughed. A hugely forced laugh but she thankfully didn't notice. Her eyes drifted elsewhere as she seemed at a loss for words. He just watched her, keeping his eyes on her face the whole time, heart pounding so hard in his chest he could feel it threaten to jump right out and kill him. "How can love not be your thing? Love is everyone's thing"

( _It may have just been the alcohol getting to my head, but something in that moment changed._ )

"Now hold on. I never said that I loved her" He answered, looking down toward his feet. Karen's dress had turned red in the light. He figured it his mind playing a trick on him. Karen's eyes were on him once again and he knew he had to say something before she spoke again. "I never said that at all"

( _You noticed, but never asked. I could tell you noticed. To this day I have wondered why you didn't. Maybe it scared you, I don't know._ )

"But did you?" She asked. 

( _Because I think I fell in love with you._ )

Frank hesitated, looking back up at her. "Yeah. I did" 

Karen just smiled, pulling him closer. They moved together in time with the music and Frank almost couldn't believe it. His heart was pounding, the anxiety slowly fleeing from his body. His mouth was dry and he knew that if he had the energy to act normal enough in front of her he would object to the whole thing. "I got you dancing"

\--

He managed to escape from the dancing for a few minutes when Karen got caught up with Belle. He headed back toward the table and saw that his full glass of beer was still sat there. Frank felt for his pockets and pulled out the packet of pills he had inside. He scouted for the door and saw a sign for the toilets. Looking over his shoulder, he saw Karen dancing with Belle and smiled.

He headed across the room as quickly as he could, hands in his pockets as he walked into the light of the lobby. Heading left, he saw the door to the bathrooms and headed inside. Mirrors lined the walls and he walked toward the basins underneath them. Frank pulled the pills from his pocket and placed them on the side. Taking two of them out, he swallowed them down before shoving the packet back in the pocket of his tux. 

Someone entered the bathroom and Frank pushed the handle on the faucet quickly. The water hit his hands and he stared at them before looking in the mirror. The person who had just walked in the door was Toby. "Frank," he said, joining him at the basins. 

"Hey, man" Frank replied, "Congrats, the service was real nice"

Toby smiled, an odd smile, sort of tight and secretive. "Thanks"

To Frank, the conversation was pretty much over so he headed for the door once more but Toby grabbed him by the arm quickly. Frank turned, trying to ignore the obvious pain that struck him. "I've been meaning to talk to you, Frank" Toby said, causing Frank to turn around fully and face toward him. After a short hesitation, he presented a perplexed look; as though he didn't really know what he was going to say. "Where are you from?"

Frank frowned. "What has that got to do with anything?"

"It's just, your accent" Toby commented. "It's different"

Frank's frown only deepened and he narrowed his eyes. He never realised that people recognised his accent as foreign. "I'm Italian. Thought I masked it pretty well, but obviously not. I grew up in Manhattan, but both my parents are Italian and so I sort of had the accident forced on me as a child"

Toby nodded. He kept pacing around the bathroom and Frank was a little freaked out. He headed toward the door, opening it and looking out before shutting it behind him. It was securely shut and Frank felt his heart begin to pound in his ears. Toby nodded again, continually looking at him. "Hmm. I knew I recognised you"

Frank shook his head, heart beginning to pound even more wildly now. There was only one solution to where Toby recognised him from and it was the one thing Frank feared most coming true. He faltered in his speech and Toby had definitely noticed. "What do you mean? We just met yesterday"

Toby stopped right in front of him. "I know who you really are, Frank"

Frank stopped as Toby stared at him. He felt like disintegrating there and then on the spot, wishing and praying to be anywhere but there. He swallowed hard, trying to think of something normal to say, something that wouldn't drop him in it. He laughed. The last thing he could possibly do, and he laughed. "I don't understand"

"Peltersfield High School" Toby said quickly. Frank could feel himself slipping further into panic and he feared Toby had all the knowledge Frank had tried so hard to store at the back of his mind for way too long now. "You were on the Ice Hockey team, weren't you? You had the accident. Something to do with your spine? Some dude knocked you over on the ice"

Frank began to sweat crazily, trying to keep as neutral as possible. Toby would not crack him. How did he know all of this stuff so analytically? Surely, he would have forgotten by now? The details were so clear that everything was coming back to Frank as he said it, making him even dizzier than he already felt. "You have the wrong guy, seriously. I went to Halter's Lake" 

"No" Toby snapped again. He continually shook his head and Frank could see the anger bubbling up inside him. It was getting hard for him to breathe watching Toby, his throat feeling as though it was closing from anxiety. "You had the accident on the ice, something to do with your back and you went into hospital"

He was getting scarily close and Frank was becoming more and more sick with the thought of him telling Karen. He would mess the entire thing up, miss out all the important details, and paint Frank as the bad guy he didn't want to admit that he was. Because he was a bad guy, and Karen didn't deserve him. "I have no idea what you're talking about"

"It wasn't your real name but they called you Frankie Villa" He said quickly. Maybe Toby telling her might be a good thing - like ripping the bandaid off quick and easy but leaving a lifetime of pain behind. A pain that he'd spent months trying to bury and never wanted to resurface ever again. Toby nodded once again, pointing his finger at Frank and wagging it back and forth. "You're Frankie Villa"

Frank turned back toward the basin, staring down at the bowl as the sensation to throw up all of his guts almost got the better of him. Once he had over come it, he looked up and stared at Toby through the mirror. "I always hated that name"

"I knew it" Toby said, approaching him. "I knew it was you"

"How?" Frank snapped, turning on him quickly. "How did you know it was me?"

Toby shook his head, almost laughing. "You may have hidden them from Karen, but the pills you take and the inability to do certain things doesn't go unnoticed by me. You also haven't touched a drop of alcohol all last night and tonight. Your name rang a bell anyway; Frank Castle? You did a good job of hiding your tracks didn't you?"

"I never intended for that" Frank snapped. "My birth name reminded me of High School. Every day, I was reminded of that shitty accident and how things ended and I wanted out of it. I changed my name for my purposes, not because I intended for this to happen, because I didn't. I didn't"

"So Karen doesn't know who you are?" Toby asked, monotonously.

Frank shook his head. "Please, don't tell her. I will tell her, I swear" 

"Why shouldn't I tell her before you, huh? She's my baby sister, I was taught to protect her from assholes like you" He asked, folding his arms. Frank stared at the ground, his eyes burning holes in the tiles and little red dots forming in the corners of his eyes. He knew at some point if he didn't sit down or drink something, he'd probably go over. "Give me one reason, Frank. One, valid reason" 

"Because I know once she finds out about everything, she'll want me gone" Frank answered, finally looking up toward him. "And I know you want me gone and I'd rather just do it on my own. You'll still get your way, Toby, she'll come running back to you. You'll get to play the hero, don't worry. Just wait til we go back to Manhattan, please"

Toby hesitated for quite a while and Frank didn't really know what to do. He didn't know what Toby was thinking, his outburst of anxiety throwing him completely off the scent. He couldn't read him. He couldn't even read himself anymore. "Why didn't you just tell her to begin with? It was that easy, Frank" 

Frank shook his head, placing his hands on the basin. He looked at Toby one last time in the mirror, eyes heavy and heart pounding. "Because once I realised who she was, it was too late"

\--

Frank considered locking the door to his room once they got back to the house, but Karen was practically glued to his hip. Maggie had made them hot chocolates to sober them up even though Frank hadn't a drop of alcohol throughout the whole night. He gladly accepted it, forcing himself to drink it as quick as he could as everyone sat around together and talked plans for Thanksgiving. Frank zoned out a lot, not listening to what they were saying.

Even though it was right around the corner, Toby and Dale stayed at the venue a little longer to finish celebrating along with Belle and Seb, but Karen's parents returned home early, so she decided to go with them. Obviously, Frank followed. Veronica and Paxton planned to stay up a little later but the minute Karen yawned, Frank suggested bed. 

Karen rolled her eyes as they headed up the stairs when Paxton made a remark about the two of them sleeping separately. Frank was glad to leave them behind as Karen pulled him up the stairs behind her. She stopped outside of his door and kissed him goodnight before he watched her walk down the corridor to her own room. When he climbed into the huge bed, he grabbed his phone from the bedside table and scrolled through. He found Scott's contact and called him.

It rang out for a few seconds before he answered. "Hello?"

"Scott" Frank said once he answered. He frowned a little, feeling slightly awkward. It was strange not having seen him for two days after seeing him 24/7 for the past few months. He almost missed him; almost. "My sister said to call you"

"That was over 12 hours ago, you're a little late" Scott snapped.

"Sorry" Frank snapped in response. He instantly felt irritated again at Scott's tone, something that caused him to sigh loudly. It felt normal. He smiled at the normality, breaking from the new mould that had formed around him over the last two days. The fakery. "I literally just stopped moving. The wedding was today" 

"Oh" Scott replied flatly. He then hesitated for a few seconds. "Sorry. How was it?"

"Fine but I don't want to talk about it. Tell me what happened today" Frank asked. "Gabby told me most of it but she had to rush back to work so I didn't get everything. Did you talk to LePaul about a warrant for Elise's place? That's the only-"

"Too long to explain" Scott answered, cutting in sharply. Frank's mouth gaped as his words stopped flowing when Scott spoke. He swallowed, figuring that he should let him speak rather than fire millions of questions at him. It seemed like a game of twenty questions was the last thing he wanted to do. Frank thought of Karen. "Had it out with Elise and she wants to divorce me" 

He scoffed in response instead. "She can pay for it"

"That's what I said" Scott said back. Frank frowned at the way he sounded, his voice was heavy and full and it then became clear that Scott was about to cry. Frank realised that he'd heard it before and had been unable to recognise it; it was all clear now. The concept of Scott crying hurt him way more than it should have. Way more than it would have six months ago. "Jesse is slipping further away from me, Frank"

"Did you call Johnny?" Frank asked.

"Yeah" Scott answered after a short pause. Frank could tell he swallowed the obvious lump in his throat so he could get his words out. He winced at Scott, his presence and his pain and he desperately wondered how he could stop it from over the phone. "He has a good house for me to look at on Monday so I asked Elise if I could take Jesse with me" 

"And?" Frank asked quickly.

"She said no, what did you expect? So I'm going on my own" Scott answered, having swallowed once again as his voice was a lot more fierce now. Things between them were starting to return back to some form of normality and Frank felt it was finally his place to say something forceful again. Slip back to Scott whining and Frank bossing.

"Stop letting her control you" Frank answered, immediately regretting it as it seemed somewhat too fierce now. He waited a second or two for Scott to yell at him but then decided to talk once again before he could. "She's using your naivety against you. You're a cop, Scott! A good one"

"Don't feel like one at the moment" Scott answered, his voice deflating once again. Frank shut his eyes, the silence on the other end of the phone attacking his conscience and yelling at him to do something. Before he could, Scott spoke again. "Anyway I'm going to go. Court is in two days and I am spending Thanksgiving by myself. Have fun"

Frank couldn't say anything else before he ended the call. He frowned at his phone before scrolling through his contacts and beginning to construct a text to Gabriela. His eyes wobbled with tiredness as he did it and he realised that he was about to pass out there and then.

**Recipients: You, Gabby**

**You:** _Invite Scott to Thanksgiving at yours in my place. I know it's short notice but I'd appreciate it and he would too. Don't let him say no._

The door to Frank's room opened quickly and he looked up frantically. The tiredness seeped away as the panic hit him but a wave of relief hit as he saw who it was. Karen stood by the door with a smile on her face. Frank frowned as she headed over toward him and climbed on the bed next to him. "What are you doing?"

"What a lovely welcome" She said, frowning a little. 

Frank shook his head. "You know I didn't mean it like that," he replied, placing his phone face down on the bedside table next to him. "I just don't want to get strung up and left out to dry by your Dad if he catches us in here, he seemed pretty serious about the whole "separate beds" thing, Karen"

She just laughed. "He won't. Besides, I came into your room so I'll take the blame"

"You're still a little bit tipsy" Frank said, as she laced their hands together before moving toward him under the duvet. Her warm body his his, tingles travelling through his arms and up toward the top of his torso that was exposed to the cold outside of the duvet.

She lay her head on his shoulder and he could feel the extra weight press on the bottom of his spine. He ignored it. Those few minutes on the phone to Scott, sat in the exact same place all the while had relieved the most pressure and pain all day, and he was thankful for it after being up so early. But he didn't care when Karen was next to him. Bring on all the pain in the world. "So? This is an amazing day"

Frank laughed, kissing her on the head before the two of them sat there in silence. For the minute, he forgot that Toby knew. He forgot that it could all come crashing down in three sentences. Karen's breathing became steady and her head fell limp on his arm as she was asleep. 

As slowly as he could, he stood from the bed, took her in his arms and despite all the pain, carried her back to her room.


	38. fatal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: depictions of drug abuse

Seb said "happy thanksgiving" as he entered the room and it only just reminded Frank of what actual day it was.

The spread before him consisted of multiple drinks; coffee, tea, different juices and so many cereals he hadn't heard of. He settled on toast as he knew he was safe eating it. Karen opted for cereal mixed with berries and yoghurt and Frank frowned a little. He didn't know how she could eat all of it and it not taste odd.

Frank ended up next to Toby and as awkward as things were, he tried to ignore him throughout breakfast. Dale was opposite him and Belle opposite Frank next to Seb. Veronica and Paxton sat at either ends. The conversation was pretty dry and Frank just kept eating to stop himself from joining in. Paxton gave a speech about Dale and Toby finally being married once they were all seated and eating. 

"Thanksgiving dinner will be served at 2:30 pretty much exactly so we have a few hours to kill before then" Paxton said, standing a little at his chair. He created a whole stern essence across the table and Frank suddenly felt extremely small. He stared down at his plate, looking at each individual crumb. "Any suggestions?"

Veronica spoke up, placing her mug of tea on the table in front of her. The bowl in front of her was also full of fruit, yoghurt and crushed cereal bars. The fact that almost everyone around him was eating so healthily and he sat there with buttered up toast, really opened his eyes to how much Thai food he eats back home. "We could go for the Carol Singers concert in the town hall?" 

Frank rolled his eyes discreetly at how boring that sounded but Karen took hold of his hand under the table so he was a little distracted. He figured that she had noticed his disinterest and he felt a little bad, but the attention seemed to be elsewhere in the room which he was grateful for. "No. I think that's cancelled this year. Jason is out of town" 

It was Toby who had spoken, stealing the attention but also putting Frank's disinterest in danger as he was sat right next to him. He flinched a little, trying not to look at him but also trying to avoid all the other eyes that were on him. Belle spoke up from across the table and Frank's eyes flickered toward her then. "What about ice skating? The lake is frozen over and I think Todd is running it this year"

"Yes!" Karen exclaimed, jumping from her chair a little with excitement. Her hand left Frank's and it sat on his leg once again as she resumed her place in the chair. She suddenly beamed at him, tapping his arm multiple times before speaking once again. He feared what she would say now that skating had been mentioned. "Frank is a real pro on the ice, aren't you?"

Instantly feeling uncomfortable as everyone's, especially Toby's, eyes were on him, Frank could feel his cheeks going red quickly. His mouth was gaped a little, trying to think of something to say to shift the attention to elsewhere on the table. Laughing a little, embarrassedly, "I wouldn't say I'm a pro-"

"I'm sure you are" Toby said, causing Frank to look at him with a slight glare. He could sense that it was a dig at him, a dig at the fact he was lying about basically everything and he could easily spill it and ruin everything. Toby leaned forward on the table a little, shrugging his shoulders. "I mean, Karen wouldn't lie, would she?"

"Please, Dad. Ice skating will be good" Karen said, squeezing Frank's hand once again under the table. He turned toward her and tried to smile, only the thought of heading onto the ice in his current state sent his stomach over millions of times. He could picture Dr. Rafferty's face when he finds out. If he did.

"Hmm" Paxton said, frowning a little before looking around at the others on the table, noting their agreement before his eyes landed on his wife. Spooning yoghurt and berries into her mouth, she could only nod too after the deciding vote ruled the table. "Why not. I'll call Todd to see what's what" 

He headed off quickly, the rest of the table going back to breakfast. Frank did the same, looking toward Karen uneasily before back at his plate. She caught his eyes, smiling wildly. "This is going to be great" she said quietly, leaning toward him and laying her head on his shoulder. He felt the warmth from her radiating and sending bumps down his arm.

"I'm not so sure" Frank answered, looking toward her. As his head moved she sat up from her position as it was disrupted. Her eyes were on him anyway and she was bound to question his hesitation to skate again. The lie was folding in on itself and Frank could feel Toby's smugness stacking up and the definite "I told you so" he so wanted to say, becoming real.

"Why?" Karen asked, a small frown of worry appearing on her face. Frank felt his stomach tie in knots as she looked at him. She seemed so happy just seconds ago and he knew that crushing her fun of skating together was exactly what Toby wanted, exactly why he supported the idea so strongly in the first place.

"I don't think I should go on the ice" He answered, rubbing his hands on his sweatpants. The food in front of him suddenly looked unappetising, and the conversations around him whilst the others ate breakfast only nauseated him even more. "I don't really feel that good and I don't think it would be good for me"

Karen frowned, placing a hand on top of his. She put her spoon down and shuffled in her seat to face him and show how contently she was listening. He smoothed his hand up his leg once more and she took a hold of it. "Seriously? But it's just like our first date, you can't miss it. It will be special"

"Maybe just for a little bit" The guilt had instantly began eating away at him and he shook his head. Her brows knitted together and how scrunched up her face was threw him off a little. Her face lit up, a smile spreading wildly. She kissed his cheek, placing one of her arms around his neck as she pulled him in for a hug. 

"You'll have fun, trust me" 

\--

Frank tried stalling for as long as possible and eventually the others went on ahead down to the lake. Karen waited for him in the kitchen whilst he aimlessly walked about his room. He turned quickly and grabbed his backpack, searching through until right at the bottom he pulled out the woolly hat Gabriela had made for him. It settled his nerves just a little and he shoved it in his pocket. 

Taking one last look in the mirror he sighed loudly, feeling for his phone in his pocket. He looked at the clock on the wall which now read 11:36 AM. Frank headed down the stairs as slowly and quietly as he could and he listened to Karen talking in the kitchen with Maggie. 

The smells of food already began wafting through the house and Frank could imagine Gabriela beginning to cook their huge meal. He wondered if she had invited Scott. He also wondered if he declined or not. Pushing open the kitchen door slowly, he tried to smile as the two of them spotted him. 

"Ready to go?" Karen asked, pulling her gloves back over her hands.

Frank nodded. "Ready as I'll ever be"

\--

He didn't really know what he expected from the description of people skating around a frozen lake but it seemed relatively professional. As he and Karen headed down toward the hut that was set up beside the lake, his nerves bubbled in his stomach. He looked around for any of Karen's family, growing more and more anxious when he couldn't see them.

"Instead of swapping your shoes for skates, you attach the blades to your shoes. Pretty neat, right? Todd designed them himself"

Frank looked at Karen as she spoke and then looked toward Todd in the hut. He smiled at Frank, the two of them shaking hands. Todd was a short man, thick beard covering most of his face with a woolly hat on his head and a puffy red jacket. It reminded him of the one Gabriela made for him. "Awesome"

They spent the next five minutes or so figuring out which ones were the correct fit for the two of them and securing them onto their shoes. Todd complimented Frank on his footwear choice which then got them into a conversation about the force. Frank didn't care as it prolonged them from getting on the actual ice. 

"Is this safe?" Frank asked, once he finally neared the edge of the lake. There were railings set up around the edges for people to hold onto, and obviously to stop people from falling in when it wasn't frozen over. It was a pretty open lake, so he understood, and the fear of cracking the ice and falling in the water became heavy on his shoulders.

"100 percent safe" Todd answered, holding Karen's hand as she stepped onto the ice. She grabbed hold of the railings and began to turn herself around to face the both of them. Frank was up next, eyes on Karen for as long as possible, focusing on her making herself stable, to prolong stepping on for as long as he could. "No lake freezes like an Oregon lake"

Frank figured it were a laughing sort of moment but he wanted the complete opposite. Todd offered to help him onto the ice but his pride got the better of him and he stepped on himself. He gained his balance instantly and his nerves did calm a little. He had full control and he didn't know why he was so worried up until then. 

Karen watched him as he took a little skate around to regain his touch. She smiled, holding her hand out for him to take. "I told you that you'd have fun" She said, pulling him closer toward her. She looked up at him with a smile on her face as he pressed his lips to her forehead. He was basically clinging on for dear life. 

"Where's everyone else?" He asked, looking over his shoulder. The lake was much bigger than it seemed from land and he couldn't tell who the other skaters were as they were merely tiny dots. There were a few people wearing fluorescent clothing and were identifiable probably from Veronica and Paxton's house, but none of her family were in sight.

Karen shrugged, taking hold of his hand. "I don't know. Let's find them"

They began to make their way around the lake at a steady pace; Frank feeling the urge to completely take off but staying back for his own sake and the fact that Karen was clearly not confident. Every time he felt himself wobble a little, his heart leaped so fast inside his chest he didn't even know it could. Old training techniques began to kick in when he lost footing; using his arms to balance himself and putting weight onto certain places to bolt him to the ground. He could almost feel Coach Jansen yelling it at him back in the sports centre.

"See? This isn't bad. I don't know why you didn't want to do it" Karen asked, leaning forward a little to look at him. He could feel her eyes on him so he looked out across the lake instead of at her. Karen frowned, "Frank," she persisted. "You seem a little...off. Is there something you're not telling me?"

Frank forced himself to look at her before he shook his head. A smile made its way onto his face before he squeezed her hand. He couldn't really read her in that moment, her eyes a mixture of worry and confusion - and maybe even a hint of betrayal. It only forced his smile to grow larger. "Of course not"

"You're sure?" She asked, pulling them slightly closer. Frank slid across the ice and wobbled and the grip on their hands tightened. His heart leapt in his chest, breath hitching, hoping that Karen hadn't noticed. "Cause you can always talk to me, you know that, right?"

"Of course" He answered, hopefully more reassuringly. "Of course, don't worry. There isn't anything going on. You know that if there was something going on, I would talk to you about it. I know, I haven't in the past but, that was wrong. And I should have reached out more. I promise I'm gonna try and do more of that in the future"

The amount of irony that struck Frank there and then completely blew his mind. He felt another body hit his forcefully as a pair of hands grabbed his waist. He could hear noise, someone screaming his name as they approached but the only thing Frank was focused on was hitting the ice. 

He turned quickly, yanking the hands away as he lost his footing and fell. As he went toward the ice, he saw Seb had approached with Belle by his side, him being the one that had obviously grabbed him. His laughter whipped in the wind, Frank losing ear shot of it as the sharp cold bit at his face.

_A medic, Jansen we need a medic, now! Frankie's down._

His eyes flickered quickly, the roof of the sports centre being the only thing in sight. A loud whistle rang in his ears as he continued falling, wondering whether he would actually hit the ice at all. 

_Foul! That's a foul!_

He didn't hear it crack but he certainly felt it. The whole world around him stopped as he finally made contact, pain overcoming his whole body as he could almost see the wave circle over. The stars in his eyes weren't normal and they contributed to the pain. 

_Can you feel your legs? Can you move them for me?_

Everything had gone numb and that was the last thing he had expected. His legs were cold on the ice, the tips of his skates digging holes in the ice. The one thing he could move was his arms and he felt around quickly. The one mistake was not wearing gloves; the only substitute? Gabriela's hat. It was the only thing he could feel.

_I can't feel anything._

His vision blurred and he could just about make out that Seb was holding a hand out toward him. He squeezed his eyes shut to try and regain some vision before reaching out slowly and grabbing his hand. Other people around him helped him up, holding him at all different angles and in different places to get him upright again.

_Sit tight buddy, we're gonna get you out of here. Don't move, if you can help it. It's all gonna be okay, Frankie._

"Sorry man," Seb said, shaking his head. "Didn't think you'd react like that. You okay?"

The pain was unbearable, paralysing the back of his body completely. He felt as though he was being sucked away into something worse, something dark and his vision kept fading. Frank just nodded. "I'm fine"

∞

_Even though he couldn't feel it, they placed him on a gurney on the ice before rolling him toward the exit. He followed the patterns of the roof to the sports centre to try and keep himself awake. People were rioting in the stands, he wondered where his family were, if they were even following him out of the centre._

_"Stay with me, Frankie, stay with me. You got this, you got this, okay?"_

_Doors, in and out and in again and out into the open of the school before rolling up the ramp and into the ambulance. He labelled the colours in his mind. Red, green, green, yellow, so much fluorescent, green, green, green. White. So much white that it scared him. White resembled so many bad things._

_"Try and stay awake buddy, I know it hurts but it's all gonna be better soon. I'm gonna put you on an IV and get some painkillers working on you, alright?"_

_The sirens were so loud he wanted his ears to be shut off forever. He could not reach upward to cover them. He imagined himself lay in bed, alarm clock blaring and his hands over his head with his pillow bundled up around him. The repetitive beeping grew quieter and quieter._

_"No, don't close your eyes, don't you dare. Come on, stay with me, stay with me!"_

_The hospital was white and it was a running theme. Everything was white. The noise in his ears, the view right in front of him, his mind was white, just white. Blank. He figured he was a goner. He did not want to die at just eighteen years old. It was the only thing stuck in his head; he'd hardly done anything with his life by then. Correction; he'd done nothing._

_"Eighteen year old male fell on the ice during a hockey game. Possible spinal injuries, possible fracture or skull fracture. Broken bones and loss of speech. Consequences could be fatal"_

_Fatal._

∞

The house smelt better than amazing and to Frank, it was perfect. The weird daze he was in to try and force the pain away enhanced everything in every way. It was like drugs. Everyone practically walked straight into dinner but Frank made a feasible excuse to go upstairs first. He slowly made his way to his room, shutting the door behind him as he leaned against it. 

He felt like he was on fire, the pain was so hot and rich inside him. His vision kept going at the corners and it seriously wasn't good. He searched for his bag, shuffling toward it and sitting on the bed as he picked it up. The pills were conveniently at the bottom of the bag and he turned the box over once he found them. The instructions were blurry, the dosage varying for different conditions.

Frank pulled them out the box and popped two out of the packet. He stared at them, before popping a third out and swallowing the three of them together. He popped a fourth out and put it in his pocket before shoving everything back in his bag and heading back toward the meal. 

"Everything okay?" Karen asked as he entered the room. He couldn't take in how wonderful everything looked and smelt as he was fading in and out of reality completely.

He took a seat next to her, smiling forcefully. Not too forcefully so it looked natural. "Everything's great"


	39. you never called me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: strong depictions of drug abuse

Frank took a shower after the meal, staying in there for as long as he possibly could. The others watched a movie in the huge living room that he was yet to explore but he excused himself about 15 minutes in.

He tried making a mental list of things to do as he showered once he had got out but his mind kept focusing on the pain circulating through his body. It just about drove him insane sitting through dinner, sitting abnormally quiet but the conversation was too heated so it went unnoticed easily. As the water trickled cold he turned it off at the wall. His head hung low as he held onto the wall for stability, the thumping of his heart and throbbing of pain loud in his ears. 

Frank reached through the shower curtain to grab a towel before wrapping it around his torso, tightening it by his waist. Heading into his room he could hear his phone buzzing on the bedside table but he ignored it, going straight for pants and sweats. Every single movement was painful and his head was banging and buzzing so much he couldn't hear anything other than that. He managed the sweats before he sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.

"Did you fall down the drain or something?"

Frank's insides pretty much sunk to what felt like the bottom of his oceanic pain as he turned quickly. Karen stood at the door, her mouth gaped a little. Frank eyed the towel on the side of the bed before looking back toward her. He forced himself up and off the bed, heading toward her as quickly as he could. She backed away a little, her eyes glazing over as he walked toward her. He didn't know what hurt more anymore; looking at her or how broken he felt.

"What is that?" She asked quietly, her voice heavy and deep like Scott's the other night on the phone. She was so close to crying that Frank's hands began shaking. He wasn't prepared for this, she wasn't supposed to walk in and see the mess that his entire back had become due to the pain. But here she was. And it was finally unraveling. Frank was struck with sheer, harsh panic for multiple seconds before it dissipated too quickly for his liking.

He opened his mouth to speak but only found tears bubbling in his throat instead. The light feeling in his mind increased fast, having already felt ridiculously unwell to begin with. This wasn't helping. He knew he had bought it on himself in more ways than one, the lying and the drugs and the simple loathing of himself so much so to drive everything that made him happy away. He shut his eyes to try and calm himself, "Karen-"

"What is it, Frank? Did you do that today? Falling on the ice?" She asked, touching Frank's arm gently. He flinched a little, but not because of her. He could lie, like he had been doing for almost their entire relationship but he decided against it. This was meant to happen, something was forcing it out. Karen had to find out _now_. 

Frank rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, shaking his head. His head was spinning all over the place and he was instantly regretting taking more than the normal dosage that Dr. Rafferty had prescribed. He knew he would slip back into it and his body had become accustomed to it once again. Because those same words were swirling in his head from all those years ago. "I didn't want you to find out like this"

 _Once an addict, always an addict_.

Karen turned around and shut the door to his room. She then headed forward toward him with a frown on her face. Frank could see the worry spread across her face, the way her arms were folded, so guarded and defended that she could tell something was wrong with him. He had finally been discovered after hiding for so long. "Find out about what? What are you talking about?" 

Frank took a deep breath and turned away from her. He walked back across the room and grabbed his t shirt from the side of the bed. Struggling, he put it on over his head without raising his arms that high. He could see Karen in the mirror, watching him, the pain and anger on her face as she did, not even believing what she was seeing. "Find out about what, Frank? Talk to me!" she demanded, "You can talk to me, why don't you ever talk to me?"

"I can't" He snapped back, turning back toward her. He shook his head as she stared at him with arms folded. One of the things he hated about himself most was the anger. The pills forced it out of him, had ever since the accident. It became uncontrollable and anyone who was within firing range undoubtedly got hurt. The list was longer than his arm, the same contenders seeming to get more and more hurt each time. Gabriela, his Mother, Marco, Scott. Anyone who knew him in High School. Karen. Especially her. But they were somehow still there. "I can't, not about this"

"Why?" she snapped, Frank walking away from her back across the room. She stood still as he moved around her, but he somehow just couldn't get away from her. Karen had closed the door and Frank couldn't escape out there because she would follow him. He didn't fancy her whole family seeing this unfold the way it would. "Why can't you? What can't you say? I have seen that thing on your back, that infection, why won't you just explain what's going on?"

"Because you never called me!" He shouted, turning back toward her. Her frown dropped, confusion spreading across her face as she approached him. Frank stepped backward, holding his arms across his torso to stop her from coming closer. He didn't know who hurt more, Karen or himself. The two of them combined. Something had a painful presence in the room and he couldn't tell what it was as he scanned it briefly.

"I never called you?" she questioned, her voice high and patronising and she clearly thought he was crazy. Everyone did at some point; the way your eyes redden and your mind deteriorates and you slowly become unrecognisable. Looking in the mirror scared him. Till this day, he rarely did it. It reminded him too much of how he used to look. It somehow still shone through. "I don't understand, Frank, you're not making any sense"

"You left me," he said, pacing the room quicker and quicker by the second. His anger was creeping out once again and he couldn't stop it. First time round in rehab, he had to get a mentor. Someone to keep tabs on him and make sure he was sticking to a regimen. He could hear her voice: _Most drug problems begin due to constant self loathing or unstable family lives. It can be something people resort to in order to relieve the fact they have nothing else around them to relieve the pain_. "You left me to rot in hospital, you never called to check on me, you did not care about me at all once you left for Princeton, I could have been dead!"

Karen hesitated uneasily, stepping away from Frank to give him the space he clearly needed. Her silence led him to stop himself. They stared at one another intensely, Karen's face full of a mixture of emotions that Frank was too out of his mind to label. But he could somehow sense he had said something wrong, something she wasn't expecting that threw up yet another guard wall. "I never told you that I went to Princeton"

"Toby said, he said that you'd call and you didn't. You didn't call and I was waiting and waiting and you didn't! You didn't" He answered, completely ignoring what she had said. Everything suddenly built back up, faster than Frank's mind was working and he was unable to stop it. Another thing on the list of things he hated about himself. "You didn't call me, you didn't-"

"Frank, Frank, calm down. Take a deep breath, okay" she said, heading over toward him quickly and grabbing his wrists. Her touch was cold on his arms, seeming to tame some of the fires roaring up inside him. Her hands were as smooth as ever and she was so close, so close to being burned. "Slow down, you're not making any sense, Toby said what? When did you talk to Toby?"

"Not making sense? Do you want me to spell it out for you, Karen? Am I that deluded that you can't see what is going on? I have a fractured spine and a drug problem, still not making sense to you?" He snapped, Karen flinching at the brutality of his words. It was never his intention to make her feel this way, he wanted the exact opposite, but he had turned himself into a monster by allowing something with such a sovereign power over him in his body.

"Are you serious?" She asked, more tears glazing over her eyes. Frank never replied and she turned away. He was stationed on the spot for a few seconds, letting the fact that he had admitted it aloud sink in. It wasn't going at all how he planned; all of it coming out in the wrong order, giving Karen the wrong impression and turning her trust in Frank into nothing. Everything was diminishing so quickly and there was no possible way for Frank to fix things now.

"Doesn't get more serious than that, does it?" He snapped in response, turning away from her to face the window in the corner of the room. His vision began playing tricks on him again, sending him a little dizzy. He steadied himself against the wall. It hadn't really dawned on him yet but the dizziness reminded him of the darkest of days he went through. The first few days in hospital when the pills were the only thing keeping him going. The times when he would be home alone and his mother return to find him high as a kite. The times when he didn't care.

"I don't understand," she said, "How long has this been going on for?" 

"A lot longer than you think" He replied lowly. She was behind him now, looking around the room for something to bring her back to sanity. He looked over his shoulder a little, not straining too much as the pain was now stronger than ever. The whole object of taking the drugs was to take the pain away, but it only induced more. The pain of trying to stop taking the drugs when they do nothing. "I have never seen justice from this it is just going to keep coming back and haunting me and ruining my life" 

"Why couldn't you tell me about this? What did you think I was going to do?" She asked, raising her voice loudly.

"Because I knew you wouldn't care" he replied, shaking his head and running his hands through his hair.

"Why on earth wouldn't I care? I love you, Frank, of course I care. That is a bullshit excuse and you know it" She shouted, yanking on his arm. Her tears got the better of her and her other hand flew to her mouth as she tried to breathe. Frank grimaced at how strong her grip was and how her pain instantly entered his body as she touched him. She was hurting so much. "Tell me, the real reason. The real one because you've clearly been holding back for way too long"

Frank paused for a long time, a huge lump growing in his throat. "Because I could not lose you again. Not now, not ever" 

Her frown had reappeared and she shook her head, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Again? What do you mean, again? What are you not telling me, Frank?"

Frank pushed past her and headed toward the bedside table where he put his wallet. He grabbed it, rooting through it and grabbing the picture from behind the recent one of the two of them. Karen had turned to face him once he turned back and he thrusted the photograph in her face. It was close to falling apart completely but by now Frank figured he wouldn't need it anymore.

He watched her face fall as she took it in her hand gently. She studied it, eyes flickering between the picture and the writing. Her hand flew to her mouth as she gasped a little. Karen looked toward him before back at the picture. She had realised and he could pinpoint the exact moment. Her hand flew behind her ear, feeling and smoothing over the scar that Frank had placed his finger on so many times. She whispered, "Frankie"

His tears finally surfaced as he nodded. Shutting his eyes, the tears fell down his face quickly. _There is a relief that follows. The relief of admitting you have an addiction, you are going to get help and you will recover. It is one of the more complex steps of recovery, although it sounds so simple. It's hard to admit something as a problem when it has become second nature to you. I am so proud of you_. "Your red hair," he said. "You changed it"

"It all makes sense now," she said quietly, stepping away from him. He panicked instantly, face dropping as he wiped his cheeks. The picture ended up back in his hands and he shoved it in his pocket as he walked back toward her. "You asked about my scar when you already knew how I got it. You knew about everything, knew who I was and you didn't even think to tell me?"

"No, Karen, it wasn't like that-"

"Then what?" She shouted, her anger suddenly flaring up. Frank's eyes widened quickly at her quick change. She was unusually calm, he knew it wouldn't last. Her words were tainted by the tears that were obviously making their way to the surface. "I don't understand why you couldn't just tell me who you were, it's not that big of a deal, is it? We dated for almost a year, I knew you, Frank. I know you. You knew of all the history between us, how hard it was when things ended. And you didn't tell me"

Frank grew uneasy, his head spinning and his vision blurring together. He saw two of her, moving in slow motion and her voice distorting in his ears. He gripped the wall for support, forcing himself up and shutting his eyes tightly. Every moment of his life that was pain induced, where he felt some sort of discomfort, began piling up ready to hit him in the face. He could hear Gabriela's sobs when she learned of their father's death, Marco shouting through tears when Frank accused him of what he did. "Then why are you shouting?"

"Because you lied to me, Frank!" She shouted, the tears finally evident in her voice. She let out a sob and Frank banged his palm against his temple multiple times. It only made things worse. _High as a kite, flying through your hellish life. You think it's better. A better life to lead. It's worse. By flying so high, you hit the ground way harder_. "You lied to me, Frank for a long time about something huge. How could you think that's okay?"

"I didn't-" Frank muttered, shaking his head as his surroundings became a blur. _And when you hit the ground, it may be for the very last time_. "I didn't, I-" 

Karen continued on at him, her words sounding completely incoherent as everything began spinning. He shut his eyes, his surroundings seeming to stay pretty clear in his mind. He tried to force them away, shaking his head as he held his head in his hands. The dizziness seemed to get the better of him and before he knew it, he was falling through the air and he thumped loudly on the floor. His veins were on fire, the blood pulsating loudly in his ears and everything seeming to come back into focus. He saw the bottom of the closet as he opened his eyes.

"Frank!" Karen knelt next to him quickly, her soft hands against his face as she tilted his head toward her face. Her thumbs caressed his jaw for probably the last time as his eyes rolled back and forth. She became blurred in his vision once again as she rolled his head back and forth. Karen kept looking over her shoulders, other people coming into view just as Frank's eyes completely stilled. The noise was still loud in his ears, different things combining into one as he slipped away from reality.

Frank knew he had felt this before. He remembered not wanting to die at just eighteen years old.


	40. millenial love

_**PELTERSFIELD HIGH SCHOOL, SEPTEMBER 28, 2000** _

_"I heard Lorenzo got spaghetti and fuckin' raw fish in his skates when he made Defenseman"_

_"Wait really?"_

_He stared across at Damien opposite him in the locker room as he untied the pads from his shins. He shoved them into his bag, the musty smell leaking out as he opened it. The plastic coating the outside had begun to peel away and flakes of it crumpled in his hands. It was disgusting and he was desperately in need of a new one but he knew that money was tight and it wasn't a priority. Nothing of his ever was._

_"Yeah, really" Damien replied. "So you better watch your back, Frankie V. Lorenzo will be out to get you when he hears you just got made a Winger. I hope you like fish"_

_He scoffed, laughing loudly as he shook his head. The two others in the locker room, Ark and Dre, just laughed along with him as he was shoved by Damien as he walked out. The three continued changing in silence as he pondered what antics the rest of his team mates might get up to now he'd been promoted to a better position. He knew that someone from the school paper would get a hold of it, maybe catching the congratulatory prank also, it was just a matter of when._

_"You coming to_ Millie's _, V? Whole team is gonna be there celebrating promotions and shit" Dre asked, throwing a shirt over his shoulder. Dre was the tallest member of the team and it scared him a little. He knew that if Dre was coming toward him on the ice, the impact would last until about two weeks after the game._

_He shook his head. "Can't. Gotta stick around to get my sister from Calculus club. She still hasn't passed her fucking driving test so I have to wait for her every damn week after practise"_

_The two of them laughed and he could feel his cheeks growing red. She always found a way to embarrass him, even when she was nowhere to be seen. Somehow just the mention of her got him into shit. "Man I don't get how she's related to you" Ark said, pulling the drawstrings on his bag before throwing it on his back. Dre may have been the tallest on the team but Ark was officially the smallest and their friendship was the oddest combination of any he had seen._

_"You're not the only one" He replied, the three of them laughing once again. He was alone once they had finished changing and he went as slowly as he could. His phone was buzzing constantly, texts coming through, congratulations on making Winger. He ignored them all. He knew that his mother had called to tell him to find out where Marco was, but he had pretended to "forget" been as he wasn't bothered. He usually made his own way home anyway, so there was no point._

_Shutting the door to the locker room, he threw his bag on his back before beginning to jog to the track. The bleachers were empty, the odd few cheerleaders sitting there after practise to try and catch some of the hockey players. They were there every week without fail, the exact same ones and he had learned to just roll with it. Even though he didn't feel comfortable with them watching him and shouting things at him, he had tried to repress it into a compliment - purely because that's what Coach said every time he bought it up._

_"Looking good today, V"_

_He looked up to the bleachers briefly and saw Tara Lerner wave toward him with a wink. Her hair was short and dark just like her eyes as she eyed him from across homeroom practically everyday. She'd made a move or two on him but he never really felt something click. He finally realised it was popularity that threw them together but something else he couldn't name that separated them. They kept their distance, acting as though nothing happened and denying the odd rumour here and there. According to literally everyone else, they made an intensely brilliant and talented pair. He didn't see it. The few others girls around her just laughed as he saluted back, continuing to run along the fields._

_He didn't make it onto the track before he spotted a redhead on the bottom level of the bleachers, clearly keeping her distance from the others. "Damn it," she cursed as he approached, papers lay in her lap with red coating the corners. He frowned instantly, shoving his hands in his pockets as he slowed to a walk in front of her. When he got closer, he realised that the red on the corners of what looked like assignments, was blood._

_"You alright down there?" He asked, coming to a stand still in front of her. Her shoulders were hunched over the papers and her bag was sat on the floor next to her feet. He leaned forward and peered inside at four chunky textbooks with coloured note cards sticking out from multiple pages._

_She looked up quickly and he noticed she held a hand behind her ear. The blood was coating her palm also, trickling down her forearm. Her face dropped as he approached and she pulled the hand away from her ear and began to pile her papers away. She only stuttered as she spoke, as expected. "Hi,"_

_He smiled back at her, adjusting his bag over his shoulder as the load inside was starting to fuse his muscles together. It was painful. "What's with the bloody papers?"_

_She shoved them into her arms, tucking her hair behind the ear she wasn't messing with. You couldn't notice the blood on her crimson hair and he could tell she was grateful for that. He found himself glued to the spot with his hands hanging by his side as she looked in terrible discomfort. "It's embarrassing"_

_He shook his head, "Can't be that bad"_

_Her cheeks had turned almost the colour of her hair as she grabbed her bag and shoved the papers inside. It was messy, the blood coating the edges of her bag and disrupting the order in which her textbooks sat inside. He could tell it bothered her as she sighed agitated before throwing it over her shoulder and beginning to leave. "It's nothing, look I have to go-"_

_"Let me take a look" He said, quickly breaking into a small jog to catch up to her. He didn't realise how fast she was walking until he caught up to her and yanked on the strap of her bag before she could walk any further. She turned as he halted her on the field, looking at him with a frown on her face. "Maybe I can help"_

_She stopped in front of him, placing her bag back on the bleachers before sitting next to it. He joined her, sitting at an angle as she tucked her hair to one side. He placed his bag on the ground, shuffling closer to her as she turned away from him. She moved it away from her ear and he grimaced as there was a huge red gash behind it, bleeding. "Whoa" He said, going to touch it but being stopped abruptly as she hit his hand away. Laughing a little, he held his hands up in response. "Hey, I was only trying to help"_

_"Sorry," she replied, her body relaxing a little as he hadn't even noticed how tense she was before. "It's just painful, that's all. Warn me next time"_

_He kept his eyes on her as she looked at him, hand clutching behind her ear once again, the blood spilling profusely. He grimaced a little as he eyed it, "Look, we need to do something to stop the bleeding, it's not helping anything"_

_She shook her head, pulling a tissue from her pocket and beginning to press it against her head once again. "There's no use, I've tried to stop the bleeding for the past hour" He just watched her once again, feeling completely helpless to her situation. He finally noticed, now being so close-up to her, that she was wearing a scarf. In summer. He almost laughed but it had gaped open a little and he realised why she was wearing it – to cover the blood on her white shirt._

_"At least let me give you a change of clothes?" He asked, looking back toward the locker room. He could see the cheerleaders heading down from the bleachers and head toward it, most likely to leave the school grounds completely. "I have a jersey in my locker, or a shirt, whatever you want. And there's got to be something in the med kit in Jansen's office to help you"_

_Standing from the bleachers, he picked his bag from the ground and then grabbed hold of her wrist, pulling her to a stand. She quickly grabbed her bag before he began walking down the fields once again, her half following-half attempting to leave. Pulling away from his grip, she shook her head, letting her hair fall back into place. "This was a bad idea, excuse me"_

_"It won't take long, I promise" He said, turning toward her._

_An uncertain frown appeared on her face. "I have to get back"_

_"Ten minutes," he said, "Tops"_

_∞_

_"You know," he said, dumping his bag next to his locker once again. Punching the code in as the dial turned back and forth, he pulled it open and rooted through before throwing two different shirts over his shoulder, along with his jersey and his jacket. "I didn't think I'd actually have this many clean garments in my locker to offer"_

_That gained a small laugh out of her and he shut his locker, placing them over the hooks behind him. One shirt was red, one grey, and his jersey the cleanest of them all. "You really don't have to do this, you know"_

_"So how'd this happen?" He asked, completely ignoring her regard._

_Picking the grey shirt, she pulled the scarf from around her neck. "Like I said, it's embarrassing"_

_"But now I'm interested" He stated, managing to make her laugh once again as he headed across the locker room toward Coach Jansen's office. The blood wouldn't stop flowing, coating all around her neck and ear and she just continually wiped at it before unbuttoning her shirt._

_"Some kid, Tommy Jankis? He shoved me into a locker and I caught my head right on the edge. Locker 324. The one with the door that doesn't shut properly, the dodgy door. Someone had hacked away at it and it was sharp. Real sharp"_

_He frowned, appearing once again with a green box in his hand. She sat on the benches in front of his locker as he joined her and opened it up in her. Looking at the different items inside, he smiled to himself a little as he could feel himself finally coming in handy. All thanks to his sister. "Seriously? That made a gash this deep?"_

_She nodded, flinching as he pressed over the gash with a wipe. She tried eyeing where he got it from but he used his other hand to steady her head. His grip was strong, but not forceful. Just reassuring. "Yeah. I skipped AP Chem and sat in the bathroom stall trying to make it stop bleeding. I've never skipped before. Is this how it feels to be rebellious?"_

_"You should have told someone" He said, grabbing the kit and looking through. The gash wasn't too deep but wasn't light enough to heal on its own. He found butterfly stitches and glue and set them out on his knee. He could feel his hands beginning to shake as he pressed the wipe over the gash to refrain the blood from spilling once again._

_She shrugged. "No-one would have cared"_

_He frowned quickly. "I care"_

_She never replied. He took the silence as a bad thing, his insides sinking a little as her head drooped. He removed the cap, holding the tiny glue tube in his mouth as he picked them up and applied the stitches to her head. His hand did shake as he hovered over the area the now crimson wipe was covering. "Hold still"_

_She held her breath and he could feel it as she did it. He ended up holding his own breath, realising that he had only tried these before on Marco when there was nothing wrong with him. It was different when something was at stake. A little unnerving. He pressed them on lightly, making sure they stuck securely before taking the tube from his mouth and placing it back in the med kit. "There. Jansen won't even know it's gone" She smiled, her hair falling back into place. "Leave them on for a week or two before taking them off. Best to see a doctor if anything goes wrong"_

_"Where did you learn to do that?" She asked, feeling lightly at his work behind her ear before turning and looking up toward him._

_"Actually, that's a funny story" He answered, clearing the excess stuff away back into the green med kit. He purposely avoided her eyes and he could tell that she knew._

_"Well, are you going to tell it?" She asked, leaning forward a little, ducking her head a little in an attempt to get him to look at her. Almost everyone he knew did it because he was so bad at eye contact with just about everyone other than family. Coach Jansen told him it would be a problem if he was going to "make it in the big leagues". He didn't seem to care that much._

_Forcing himself to look up at her with a small smile, maybe even a hint of a smirk, he replied "Yes. Over a coffee at_ Millie's _. Do you know it? I'll drive you there, and then I'll drive you home"_

_Her small smile dropped a little and he felt himself plummet into self-humiliation. Usually it worked, usually they'd say yes and he wouldn't look like the biggest dummy on the planet. But something was irritating him, telling him that she wasn't a "usually". "I can't tonight"_

_"That's okay" He replied, feeling a little down at her rejection. He couldn't tell whether she was genuinely busy or if she was blowing him off. It suddenly made him question just about everything running through his mind, a confusion crossing him like never before. "Another time, then?"_

_"I don't know," She replied, pulling the grey shirt over her head and disposing of her white shirt in her bag along with the scarf. "I don't think it's the right thing to do"_

_"Who cares about the right thing or the wrong thing to do? It's just a coffee, believe it or not" He answered, a small laugh escaping. "And, I really want to see you again"_

_She was silent for a few seconds before standing. "You know, I was supposed to interview you for the school paper about your promotion. Congratulations"_

_He couldn't help the smile that rose to his face. "All the more reason for coffee"_

_She shook her head, a small laugh escaping. "Thanks for your help"_

_As she stood and headed toward the exit of the locker room, he ignored her attempt to escape and continued staring at her. He found himself standing also, almost as if to go after her. "Tell me your name" He asked, turning toward the door where she stood._

_She turned back toward him as she reached the door, his grey shirt hanging low on her and almost reaching to the bottom of her pencil skirt. It had the word "reach" inked across the front. A small smile appeared on her face. "Karen. Karen Page"_

_"Nice to meet you, Karen" He replied. "I don't know if you know but I'm-"_

_"I know who you are" She just smiled before pushing the door open and heading to leave. "Who doesn't?"_


	41. sedated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: depictions of drug abuse

Machinery hummed right next to his ear. It became louder with every second that passed. They were loud and monotonous and he was tempted to lean up and shut them off as though they were his alarm clock and he was waking up for work. The thought of work alone sent him spinning. Frank couldn't open his eyes, feeling as though if he did his head may actually explode. Instead, he gripped the edge of the bed, the sheets feeling clean and more plastic than comfortable. A hospital. He lifted his arm weakly to try and find something to grab. He could hear voices, unidentifiable, but he knew someone was there. He called out to the first person he could think of.

Frank's throat was dry, a frown appearing on his face as he swallowed hard. He forced himself to speak, eyes still closed tightly. "Ma?" he asked, not even sure that she would be there. She was the only person he wanted in that moment, someone who had seen him in the most vulnerable of states on more than one occasion. The vulnerable state that he was most likely in now. Just by saying one word, his voice cracked and he ended up coughing loudly.

"Frank? Oh, thank God" The voice that was speaking was finally identifiable as Gabriela's, and Frank could sense elements of worry and tears in her voice. By picturing her next to his bed, he could form an idea of who else was there. His Mother, surely, maybe not in the room, possibly Mike? He strained his ears harder, no sign of the kids. Everything suddenly became confusing, his frown deepening. His sister leaned across him a little bit, "Get the doctor" she said, to someone but Frank couldn't tell who.

The person sat in the other chair on the other side of Frank's bed rose from the seat, footsteps pattering across the room and out the door. Frank cleared his throat again and tried speaking once more. "Where's Ma?" She was the only thing on his mind at that very moment; where was she? Did he miss something whilst he was unconscious? Why was he unconscious? Was Gabriela not telling him something?

"She'll be here, Frank, don't worry" Gabriela said, her tone soft and almost inaudible as she attempted reassurance. There were so many questions running around his mind and he couldn't even see anything yet; so many things whirring up and causing him to go back into a small shock. He figured himself to go unconscious once again but there was something stopping him this time. The hunger in his veins drastically surged at that precise moment and the hollowness in his stomach reminded him. He had no drugs in his system. "It's me, Frank, it's Gabby. It's okay now"

He finally forced his eyes open, regretting it instantly as the white lights blinded his eyes. As his sense became intact, so did the others. He could finally begin to feel the brace around his neck, trying to move and being restricted. After feeling the surge of pain it caused just by the small movement and the fear electrifying Gabriela's eyes, he decided it was best he stay still. Frank groaned, shutting his eyes once more but only briefly. "What happened?"

"You've been sedated for a day," Gabriela said, leaning closer toward him. This only sent Frank's mind swirling even more; a day? How much could he have missed in a day? Why did it feel like he'd been sedated for longer than a day? "You overdosed the other day, after taking one too many pain meds"

"A day?" He asked, squinting as he looked toward her. Overdose? Everything came flooding back to him rather quicker than he had liked. A pounding in his head formed and he winced a little, unable to move very much due to all the restraints around him. He caught a glimpse of Gabriela wiping tears from her cheeks as they had surfaced most likely at the fact he overdosed. Frank immediately hated himself for what he did simply because he put her through it all, too. She didn't deserve any of this, any of the stupid decisions Frank made that affected her.

"You collapsed and they sedated you while you went through withdrawal. They induced a coma to keep your spine as still as possible. The doctor said you couldn't go through the first twenty-four hours of withdrawal because it would risk making your spine worse. You might have lost the ability to walk completely" She said, her voice shaking the entire time. He was unsure of how to react; so many things hitting him at once. Initially, his anger threatened to surface but his sister bearing the news kept it tucked away. He couldn't bring himself to be angry with her.

Frank stayed silent as he took it all in. Gabriela had deflated slightly, the fact that his eyes were elsewhere in the room and not on her. Here she had been waiting for an entire day for him to wake, to see if he was even alive, had gotten who knows how many hours sleep, and he was ignoring her. His eyes were on the ceiling if anything, listening as the footsteps approached once again in his ears to his right. Flitting his eyes downward, he noted a doctor had entered the room along with Marco.

"Hi, Frank" the doctor said, appearing in front of him. He leaned more over Frank as he was restrained at the neck and couldn't turn toward him. He plastered a fake smile on his face as he shoved it in Frank's way, eyes darting to his name tag; **DR. RIZ EATON**. Frank took hold of his wrists and pushed him out of the way instantly, Dr. Eaton stumbling back on his left. He didn't mean to startle him as much as he did, but his anger began creeping up inside him once again.

"What is he doing here?" Frank spat, lifting his hand weakly and pointing at Marco. His vision was blurred a little but Marco was wearing a ruffled shirt and trousers that really wasn't the best for a hospital. It took a few seconds to realise that it was his work attire, and he had probably dropped everything to get to the hospital. His eyes were red and puffy and it only made Frank angrier. He wasn't supposed to care about him – he never had. Gabriela frowned, taking hold of Frank's other arm to pull the attention toward her.

"Frank, come on that doesn't matter" She said quickly, shaking her head. He could see the brief worry in her eyes before she looked up toward Marco, stood there unknowing of what to do. "Marco was just as anxious for you to be okay as I was, alright? He was worried about you"

"He doesn't give a shit about me" Frank snapped loudly, yanking his arm away from Gabriela's grip. His eyes were trained on Marco who just seemed overwhelmed by the entire situation as he stood at the foot of the bed watching it unfold. Dr. Eaton was trying to grab a hold of Frank's other arm as it flailed about, shouting at him to _stay still_ , and _don't move your neck as much, we may have to fuse it_. Frank suddenly lost every care in the world. "I don't want him here, get him out of here"

Marco edged away from where Frank was trying to read, Mike quickly coming into shot. He placed two hands on Marco's shoulders, moving him out the way quickly before replacing him at the foot of the bed. Frank couldn't see where Marco went as Dr. Eaton kept moving in front of him, still shouting things in Frank's ear. When she couldn't contain him, Gabriela began to cry on his right. She collapsed into the bed a little, Mike coming to her rescue before wrapping his arms around her. Eaton looked up quickly, trying to grab both of Frank's wrists, "Nurse!"

Gabriela went out of shot as Mike lead her toward the door. Frank only became more and more angry, shouting out in pain coming from all directions and areas. He couldn't identify anything anymore; everywhere hurt and everyone hurt. He was a nuclear blast of anger; hurting anyone and everyone in the room, especially his family. The centre of the commotion in the room was sadly him. His body felt on fire but none of it was down to his spine. It was down to withdrawal. "Get off me! Leave me alone, get away from me!"

The nurse suddenly appeared, making direct eye contact with Eaton and only him. "Sedate him"

\--

The next time Frank woke, he was in a considerably less amount of pain. He was also completely secured to the bed so that he could not move or probably hurt someone. He didn't want to hurt anyone, he just freaked out a little. Gabriela was sat next to his bed once again, pretty much falling asleep with her cheek resting in her palm. Frank looked toward her before laying his head back against the pillow with a sigh. He reached his hand out from under the ties and attempted to touch her. He brushed her arm and she flinched wildly, sitting up quickly. He put his hand back in the duvet neatly.

She looked at him, taking hold of his hand quickly. Her whole body changed as the surge of realisation ran through her body. She was so hunched over and half asleep but once he touched her, she was up and ready. She looked exhausted and he only just realised this as he got a good look at her. Her olive skin was drained of colour and her hair tied messily on the top of her head. Thinking back to Marco, he looked pretty much the same in terms of sleep deprivation. Frank was yet again the cause of this. Inhaling quickly, she croaked, "You're awake"

"I'd appreciate it if they'd stop sedating me" Frank croaked back, gripping onto her hand tightly. She placed her other hand on top of his with a tired smile. He looked at the lines on her arms; the lines you earn when you nap. He always knew it was a good one if they appeared so he was starting to question how long they had sedated him for if Gabriela had gotten such a good nap. As his surroundings became more and more familiar in his head, he questioned where Marco and Mike had disappeared to. Only to himself, not aloud.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, rubbing her eyes before shuffling in her seat to face him more clearly. He took the time to actually evaluate how he was doing. Terrible. Worse than terrible. Half of his body was tied to a hospital bed, he was stripped bare of drugs leaving him in the most vulnerable state possible and over the past twenty-four hours he had been sedated for twenty-three hours and three quarters of it. He had been conscious for all of fifteen minutes. And in those fifteen minutes he'd had everything and then some thrown at him.

Frank just shrugged, the backs of his eyes aching as he looked around the room. The nerve endings were so alive as it was pretty much the only thing he could do, as well as the fact that everything was still so new and panicky to him that he was on constant alert. Being tied down, his eyes were the only way to do that. Gabriela's eyes were on him constantly, waiting for a response. "I can't feel anything other than my hands. What the hell have they done to me, Gabby?"

She could only sigh, placing her hand on his face and stroke his cheek. She had leaned over him as he was unable to sit upward in the bed. There was still no sign of his Mother which was the only thing on his mind at that moment. He didn't really know how to approach the subject with Gabriela; he had missed out on everything for the last four days – what if something had happened? Something that he had missed? Something she didn't want to talk about whilst all this was happening? He decided to leave it. "I'll get the doctor, hold on. I'll be back in a minute, okay?"

She disappeared and Frank lay still once again. The whole process of his overdose was a haze, and he wasn't truly sure of what had been said. He didn't know what Gabriela and Marco knew and he didn't know himself whether he wanted them to know anything. He figured someone would blab at some point, their knowledge of Frank's mistakes expanding and their disappointment and pity growing. He shut his eyes, searching his mind for somewhere peaceful to rest where he didn't picture anyone pointing the finger or suggesting rehab facilities or looking at him with the same pitiful expression on their faces.

"Frank," Dr Eaton's voice appeared on the left and Frank opened his eyes once again. Getting a proper look at him now, Frank realised he was young. A lot younger than him, maybe even younger than Marco. The thought crossed his mind as to whether he was even qualified enough and he scalded himself for sounding so old. So much like his father. He didn't need that sudden ache to hit him harder than ever as the time was at an utmost inconvenience. But he figured grief does that, hits at the worst times, just to remind you that it's still there. Even all those years later.

"Not gonna sedate me again, are you?" Frank asked, "I'd like to have at least five minutes' consciousness to talk with my sister"

Eaton just chuckled, sitting in the chair next to Frank's bed. "It was for your own good and the safety of others around you. I wouldn't have done it on purpose, trust me"

Frank sniffled a little, counting it as a laugh before Eaton smiled at him. He had the weird and sudden feeling of missing Dr. Rafferty. He had no clue why it hit when it did, but it happened. He went so far back with their family history that it was sort of like second nature to have him around in medical emergencies. To Frank, it felt like Eaton was trying to fit into the cardboard cut-out of Rafferty, slipping through too easily as their body shapes were so different. "My sister told me that you kept me sedated through the first twenty-four hours of withdrawal?"

Dr. Eaton nodded, sitting forward in the chair. His hands swung low beneath his open legs, clasped together with an authoritative and wise air. "And we have some great rehab programmes lined up that you're welcome to check out once we get you up and about again. For the first few months or so you'll have monitored meds, nurses coming and going when you take them to see that they're consistent, and that you're not hoarding any. That your addiction doesn't shine through once again"

Frank just frowned, shaking his head. "I don't need rehab, I'm not an addict"

"Frank," Gabriela said lowly, his head turning toward her. "Listen to what he has to say"

"Gabby, I'm not an addict, tell him" Frank croaked, desperately looking between the two of them.

"The hardest part of recovery, Frank, is admitting you have a problem in the first place. I see so many people walking into rehab feeling exactly like you. I hear from your sister that you had an addiction problem when you were younger? After a hockey accident? When did you start taking pills again, do you remember?"

"I can find out for you, his roommate made me aware of what was going on a while back and I can ask him if he remembers when things started up with the pills or I can call our family practitioner and get information on the prescriptions?" Gabriela asked, the two of them looking toward each other and communicating about him as though he wasn't even there. He could hardly move to alert either one of them either.

"You don't understand, I am not an addict" Frank said, this time more forcefully and suddenly on the verge of tears. Neither the doctor or Gabriela were listening to him and his words may as well just have been dying on his lips as he said them. His eyes flickered toward his sister helplessly and she just took hold of his hand. The heart monitor beside him began beeping louder as he realised he was beginning to panic. This newfound anxiety hadn't even begun to cross his mind yet and he hadn't even told anyone about maybe even having a problem with it. He looked toward the monitor before back at Eaton. "I'm not, I swear"

"It's okay, Frank. Don't worry about that right now" he said, tapping his arm lightly. "Just take it slow and breathe. Three in, three out. We don't have to talk about that right now, okay? I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone other than your sister about this but there is surgery involved with your recovery, I'm sure you are aware of that"

Frank sniffed, not being able to wipe away any tears as his hands were strapped to the bed. He could barely even move them at all. Before speaking, he tried to level his breathing by taking Eaton's advice and counting three in, three out. Now wasn't the best time to bring anxiety problems up so he figured when he and Gabriela were alone again, would be a good chance. If he could even muster up the right way to say it. _Sorry, Gabby, I have yet another problem that I'm going to pile onto your plate that's already sky high with your own_. "What's new? I've had so much surgery I'm as frail and fragile as a feather, I'll be able to break in half soon"

"This surgery will hopefully do the opposite of that," Eaton said, laughing a little. He seemed to find everything funny, which annoyed Frank to no extent. It was his life hanging in the balance and his only doctor in who even knows what hospital was laughing at him. On that thought; Frank had no idea where he was. "From the scans we took when you were bought in, we can see that your spinal cord is fractured again but it isn't new. It seems to have slipped back into the old fracture so it isn't as big a problem as it could have been. This surgery is fixing a wound that's already been fixed but clearly didn't hold the first time. There is no determining that it will hold forever and any intense physical activity would have to be avoided"

Frank sighed at his words, feeling himself slip back into the most unknown type of anger. He'd had this when he was in hospital the first time round, the minute that the doctor had told him he wasn't in fact off to Boston with his scholarship. He was silent for days, unable to say what he felt as it was mostly numbness. There were no words to explain how he felt. More importantly, nothing to say. For an odd reason, silence wasn't the option this time. He laughed. "I've heard this one before. Go on, just say it. My hopes of returning to my career as a police officer are crushed. Just get it over with, will you?"

Gabriela's mouth was gaped slightly, "Frank"

"What?" He snapped back. "I know that is the exact thing he is gonna say next. You know it, too"

Eaton grimaced, frowning a little before nodding at Frank. He could tell that he was uncomfortable by Frank's short outburst, but he had lost all motivation to care. Gabriela was embarrassed; something else he didn't seem to care about. "That may be jeopardised, I'm afraid. It would depend on how well you heal and how strong your spinal cord is after having the same procedure performed on it twice. Excuse me, I have other patients to see but I'll get back to you the minute that I know when we can take you down to theatre, okay?"

Gabriela thanked him before he exited the room swiftly. Frank was silent once again and she was still gripping onto his hand but now quite limply. He shut his eyes for as long as he could before she interrupted him. "You're have to think positively about this, Frank. I know the force means a lot to you but sometimes your health is just more important. You of all people should know that so I don't understand why you let things deteriorate to this stage in the first place, you should know better"

Frank knew better than to say what he was thinking; _you sound just like Ma_. He knew she hated being compared to her; Gabriela being so meticulous and more organised than their mother when it came to practically everything. It was an honour to be compared to their father, and it happened to Frank constantly, but an insult to Gabriela when anyone compared her to their mother. Instead, he opened his eyes. He looked toward Gabriela, her eyes full of worry and urgency as she looked down at him. "I am not an addict"

"Will you drop it, Frank?" she snapped quickly. "Yes you are, you are an addict and the sooner you admit that to yourself the quicker you'll recover" Frank ignored her, moving his head away from where she looked. He couldn't move his hand from hers as he was tied too tightly down. "I know that it isn't what you want to hear, but somebody has to tell you. And I love you, and I care about you, that is why I am being straight with you"

( _Why on earth wouldn't I care? I love you_.)

His face dropped, mouth gaping as he looked back toward Gabriela. Her eyes had glazed over and she used her free hand to hold against her nose as it began running. Her tears were evident on her face and he frowned. Something she had said had reminded him of almost everything. Somehow it had all blocked itself from his memory until then, but she was suddenly clear as day and Frank hated himself even more for ever letting his mind forget her. "Karen"

Gabriela looked up quickly, "What?"

"Karen" Frank repeated. "Where is she? Is she here? Is she outside?"

( _Tell me, the real reason. The real one_.)

Her tears only began flowing again as she turned away from Frank. His throat clogged, eyes glazing over again quickly. The panicky feeling instantly returned; her silence was unnerving. Really, really unnerving and Frank had to fight the urge to shout at her to tell him. Silence always meant something bad which is why he'd learnt to fill it and cover any suspicion raised. "Gabby," he croaked pathetically. It was ridiculous how desperate he sounded. "Is she here?"

She turned back toward him, sniffing loudly before she shook her head slowly. "I am so sorry"

Gabriela placed her hand on his face, leaning toward him as he let out a long sob. It was loud, echoing around the room and down the hospital hall. Everyone could hear him. He cried harder, Gabriela pressing their foreheads together as she attempted to hold him. Frank continued to cry, harder and harder until he figured everyone across the world could hear him. He was well and truly broken. Finally, sitting in the rubble of his life that had caved in around him.

Yet, someone was still picking through, rooting for something else to destroy.


	42. two halves of a family

Frank convinced the doctor to untie him from the bed and helped him to sit up. He could finally see the rest of the room, looking for the door and the door to the bathroom. His neck was still wound tightly into a brace, keeping his spine as still as possible. As far as he was aware up until now, there had been no open spaces in theatre to fix Frank's spine. He was just doing a lot of waiting around, watching visitors pity him and then continue to moan in pain.

His Mother had replaced Gabriela in the chair next to his bed as it was getting late and she had to drop Jamie and Layla home to Mike before she came back. Frank had told her she could stay home, that he didn't need anyone to stay with him overnight. He was a grown man and still had his family sleeping in the waiting of the hospital. Even worse, all three of them remained and wouldn't leave. At least two of them should go home, work out some kind of rota system.

His mother spoke up. "Marco is still outside, baby" Her voice was soft but weak and Frank shut his eyes as everything that seemed to come out of anyone's mouth was pity and shame and fear. He was sick of it. "He was really worried when he found out, dropped everything in the middle of a shift to get here as soon as possible. He runs that fancy bar in the middle of town, you know. He really wants to see you, Frank. Gabby told me what happened before. Why did you do that? Why did you make him leave?"

Frank's anger was rising with his mother and it was the most unexpected thing he'd ever experienced. Her childlike speak was something new to him and must be the side effects of the repeated strokes she has been having. She's clearly losing memory and just wants to stay in the loop of what's going on. He tried his best not to snap at her. "Marco doesn't care about me, Ma. Hate to break it to you. He's here to make himself look good and that's all. He's probably on the phone right now to his 'fancy job' trying to keep it from running into the ground while he's gone"

He could tell that it hurt her to hear, but he needed to get it out. He needed them to understand that Marco only had a facade to bury himself. Understand what he was really like, at the party and Frank's date with Karen at _Shay's_. Conveniently, no-one else was there to see it. "That's not true, Frank," she said, more of a whisper. "It's not. He has been here exactly the same amount of time as Gabriela, holds the same amount of worry. You just won't look him in the eye long enough to see it"

Frank stayed silent for as long as he could. He didn't intent to answer her, the scowl on his face making it tremble he had been holding it for so long. Her eyes were still on him, full of worry, her body deflating as he had decided for the both of them to end the conversation. He thought about Marco, thought about how the single emotion of worry for his brother who he'd hated for the better part of twenty years could even cross his mind.

He figured she was right, though. In some aspects. Frank hadn't been a part of Marco's life for exactly that long and it was that whole time that he had grown and changed from the small fifteen year old Frank had pictured him as all his life. It didn't occur to him that such a huge change could come about because the two of them had kept up such a stupid feud for the entirety of every encounter they had with each other. Frank finally wondered what it was like to be his sister. His mother. Having two halves of a family to try and love and care for when they couldn't even be in the same room as each other.

After the long silence, Frank spoke again. "Where's Scott?"

He figured Scott would be the only one to talk to him straight and not like he was on his death bed. He hadn't heard anything about him or heard he was even in the hospital. He didn't know if Gabriela had called him and told him what was going on, if he had turned up to thanksgiving dinner or not. If he was passed out in Frank's apartment or not. The truth was, and it was hitting him like a brick that day, that Frank didn't know an awful lot of good things about Scott. "I don't know," his mother replied, a hint of hope in her voice when Frank spoke to her again. "Would you like me to get your sister to call him when she gets back?"

Frank just nodded, continuing to look around the room at all the different aspects he hadn't seen before. He reached for the plastic cup of water on the bedside table and his mother took it before he did. Her hand shook as she handed to him, and all the information about her illness and how she was dying seeped back into his mind and infected the tiny section of peace he had managed to create. "Ma?" He asked, his voice croaking loudly.

"Yes?" She asked, leaning forward quickly. The hopefulness was back, but she was still very regarded. Ready to leave in case Frank had an outburst again. Calculated look on her face to try and stop herself from saying something wrong. Something to tip him over the edge. His eyes shifted toward hers, and he could sense the doubt in her body language. Almost as if she could read his mind, she smiled at him, placing a hand on his own. To assure him.

"Can I be on my own for a while?" He asked, swallowing hard. He didn't want to be angry anymore, but it was still pretty settled on the surface, ready to leap out at any time. Frank was pretty exhausted from arguing with people, especially his family. He knew he had to do something to fix some of the mess he'd created but he didn't quite know what. Being alone would hopefully set that straight. "If you don't mind"

She nodded, placing her other hand on his face as she stroked his cheek. Her touch was soft against the stubble growing on his face, her thumb moving up and down his cheek slowly. Her hands shook once again. The action alone reminded him of Karen, the deep ache sat in the pit of his stomach ringing out once again, his whole body grimacing whilst he waited for it to stop. Forced it away. "Of course, baby, just call the doctor if you need anything"

Frank nodded as she stood from the chair. All of her actions were slow. "Actually, Ma?"

"Yeah?" She asked, turning around as she stood by the door.

He sighed, taking a breath. "Can you tell Marco to come in?"

A smile appeared on her face. "Of course"

She disappeared more quickly and Frank was alone for a few seconds whilst she found Marco. He eyed anything but the door as Marco's footsteps approached and he entered the room. "Ma said you wanted me?" He asked. Frank sighed loudly, watching him linger at the foot of the bed. Frank's out burst had led him to it and he suddenly felt bad. Drawing his eyes up toward him, Frank took a long look at his brother. Ruffled shirt, creased at the sleeves indicating it had been rolled. Tie loosened at the neck, stubble of his own beginning to grow in, eyes reddened at the rims. Frank felt like he was looking back at himself.

"You can sit, I'm not gonna attack you" Frank said, motioning toward the chair next to his bed. Marco nodded, clasping his hands together as he headed for the chair slowly. He sat and stretched his legs out a little, Frank eyeing the expensive looking loafers he was wearing, having worn similar ones himself many times when representing in court. When he attacked Joseph Pollack. He knew they were uncomfortable.

Marco's positioning changed, clearly ready to leave if it came to it. "Are you okay?"

Frank shrugged. "Been better"

Marco nodded. "Sorry, dumb question"

"You got that right" Frank snapped in response.

Sighing loudly, Marco piped up quickly. "Why am I here, Frank? An hour ago you wanted me dead. What do you want? Cause if you're just gonna start an argument with me then-"

"I'm not" He snapped in response to Marco, shuffling about in the bed to make himself more comfortable. Marco was instantly silenced. He didn't know where to begin so he just let his mind trail off on whatever tangent felt right. "I haven't been a part of your life for so long. I don't know what you do, what your love life is like, whether you even have a fucking pet. I've never been to your damn house, never seen you around Jamie and Layla, never even seen you cry. I've never even spent Thanksgiving with you for the better part of 20 years. Point is, I haven't been your brother, which should be my number one priority. I'm the eldest and I haven't set a good example for you and Gabby to follow. So I'm sorry"

Marco relaxed into the chair a little, clearing his throat awkwardly as Frank spoke. There was a silence between them, Frank staring at him as he looked at the floor. Marco leaned forward and took hold of Frank's hand, squeezing it tightly. It shocked him at first, the two of them rarely even exchanged hugs when they were teens. He wasn't used to this kind of affection, but soon got accustomed to it. "I have a degree in management, work at _Shay's_ on avenue A. I have never been in love with someone, let alone been on a date cause I'm scared of admitting the fact I like dudes as well as girls. That I'm not "confused" or whatever.

"I have a cat. His name is Mingus. I just sold my apartment to move back in with Ma, learning that Johnny basically lives there now. Gabby doesn't trust me with Jamie and Layla like she trusts you and I cried an awful lot the night you punched me in my own bar. I make up a complex story every year to get out of Thanksgiving because I don't have the heart to tell Gabby no. That I don't want to come because you're going to be there. Because I'll ruin things. I'm sorry, Frank. I had no idea about all of this, no idea you were struggling and needed help. I shouldn't have made things worse and forced myself out of your life more than you already did"

Frank was struck by his sudden outburst, realising he had a strong grip on Marco's hand. Tears had welled in his eyes as he looked at him, Marco doing exactly the same. Reaching over as far as he could without hurting himself, Frank placed his other hand on top of Marco's. The brace around his neck was restricting him quite a lot and Marco could see that. Instead of making him suffer, he shuffled the chair closer toward the bed so the two of them could remain in the position they were in. Something new.

He felt his tears fall, sniffing loudly as he tried to sit up and pull him toward him. Marco sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Frank in for a hug. Frank wrapped his free arm around him, Marco doing the same and placing his hand on the back of Frank's neck. Their hands were still intertwined. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling more tears bubbling quickly and they stayed like that for what felt like minutes. Once he opened them, he saw Gabriela stood at the door holding one of Frank's hockey jerseys with a bag hanging on her shoulder.

She was crying.

\--

"Why did you bring this?"

Gabriela grabbed the jersey from the bottom of the bed when Frank motioned toward it and handed it to him. He felt it, his hands moving over it slowly, feeling how soft and silky it was. Clean. She kept it at her house. He figured that it was smart as it would get completely ruined if he kept it in his apartment. It would gather dust at his mothers, and probably get thrown out.

"Figured you'd want something to remind you of home" She answered, watching him look at it. It just reminded him of everything he missed, everything that was good in his life before the accident tainted his entire High School experience. It was nice to look at, to some extent, but mostly something that was just out of reach. In a bubble of happiness that Frank would never be able to achieve again.

He nodded. "Looks like I won't be going back there for a while"

Gabriela took the jersey from him and placed it back at the foot of the bed. She took hold of his hands, forcing him to look up at her. He could tell that she still hadn't slept, and Frank had lost all sense of time. There was no clock in his room, his phone was too far out of reach and the pills had affected him so much after taking them he didn't even know when he overdosed. He was a complete, embarrassing mess. "You're staying with me"

Frank shook his head as much as he could. "I can't"

"Nonsense" She answered. Although it was a kind gesture, Frank had the feeling she would be a lot more hostile toward him if he hadn't made up with Marco. It meant a lot to her and the fact that their mother as well as herself had tried for years on end to get them to become friendly with one another, presented as a huge relief to her. "You're not staying on your own and Scott has enough to worry about instead of caring for you"

"Scott can't even take proper care of himself, " Frank answered, laughing a little. "I can"

"Nonsense" She repeated, much more firmly the second time. "You're staying with me. I've already called your boss and told her about what happened. I told her about everything and she was completely understanding. She said such nice stuff about you, Frank. It was almost as though she was describing someone else" She joked, cracking a small grin before it died into a serious, more contented smile. "She just wants you to get better"

Frank smiled, shaking his head. He didn't have the heart to be angry with her, the fact that she took such an interest in his life and covered all the areas of importance in such a crisis, warming his heart. She probably enlisted Scott's help, or the other way around as the two of them knew different parts of Frank's puzzle - neither of them knew the whole of him. He pulled her hand up toward his face and kissed it. "Thank you"

"I love you" She said, her thumbs caressing over his knuckles.

"I love you" He replied, tightening their grip.

There was a small silence between them, Frank feeling a little bit more content with the current situation. He could feel several weights lifting off his shoulders but there was still one thing tying him down; Karen. He figured from now on, she would always be tying him down, in some way or another. The unanswered questions, her disappearance after he overdosed, whether she would ever forgive him. "I told her" He said, moving his eyes away from staring at the wall in front of him. "I told her everything"

Oddly enough, she knew exactly who he was talking about. He didn't have to mention a name, or even give context, Gabriela simply understood. That was one of the things he loved most about her. One of the things they had carried with them since they were young - the ability to communicate so simply yet understand one another to every complexity. "Is that why she isn't here?" Her voice was gentle and almost soothing as she spoke.

Frank nodded. "She freaked out. She freaked out on me and I couldn't take it so I panicked and that must be what bought on collapsing. It wasn't even that bad before, my body had gotten used to it. I could take it. But when she was freaking out I couldn't take it. I think I uh, have a problem with that. A mental health problem, you know? It's been happening a lot and I think I need help"

She smiled. He knew she'd acknowledged his cry for help so he relaxed a little, let his body begin to deflate. She didn't have to say anything, but he knew she'd get on it when she could. When the time was appropriate. Instead, she went back to the one thing Frank didn't want to talk about, but definitely needed to. "So you went into shock or something? How many pills did you take?" Gabriela asked, "Rafferty gave you _Tramadol_ so even two pills could have rocked you"

"I should have known" Frank said quietly, looking down toward the end of the bed. He tried wriggling his toes but his legs were too weak. The thought of his lower body paralysis hadn't even kicked in because he hadn't attempted to move much. It all came flooding back to him; the inability to walk for weeks. The therapy to re-learn one of the most basic life skills. It was embarrassing then, even more embarrassing now. "I should have known that it was going to happen"

"Frank," She tried, placing a hand on his shoulder. "It's not your fault"

"It is" He answered, his eyes glazing over as he looked toward her. He wanted to shrug her hand away, clean his body of any sort of pity she was plastering all over him, but he was completely stuck. His body just wasn't strong enough without it being painful. Everything was painful, he was eating, breathing, sleeping with it. His body had become so accustomed to physical pain, that mental pain was a whole other level piling on top. "It's exactly my fault, Gabby, and I knew this would happen if I told her. I told you, I told you-" He stopped speaking as his tears logged in his throat, sniffing loudly as he pressed his hand against his nose. Frank shook his head, averting the subject quickly. "Is Scott around? Ma said she would get you call him. Have you?"

"I think you should wait a bit before you see Scott" Gabriela replied.

"Why?" He snapped, his anger switch suddenly blazing. He was used to it freaking people out, but not Gabriela. Karen, Scott, even Marco, flinch at his brutality. But Gabriela just knows how to fight back. Knows how to combat the monster inside him, even better than he does. "I just want to talk to him, last time we spoke he sounded like he was going to drink and pass out on the sofa drunk"

"He seemed fine at Thanksgiving" Gabriela replied, her voice more surprised than bitter and angry like Frank. She had clearly figured herself and Scott incompatible and surprised herself at how well they got on. Frank eyed her cautiously as she paused for a minute, thinking back on things. How her Thanksgiving evening was brutally murdered by Peace Harbour Hospital in Oregon. "He was actually glad of the invite. Turned up on time, bought wine and was actually lovely company around the table. Unlike someone I know"

Frank shoved her arm as she laughed before he folded them across his chest. It weirded him out - the thought of Scott eating Thanksgiving dinner with his family, without him. Especially with his sister and her husband present at the table. By the sounds of things already, things had gone in a different direction as Frank had hoped. He didn't really know what he'd hoped for - not even thinking of how things could turn out when he asked Gabriela to invite him in the first place. "He actually showed though? Did he seem okay?"

She nodded. "He seemed fine, joking around and stuff. He stayed later than Ma and Johnny"

Frank frowned a little. "Please remember that you're married to Mike, the father of your kids, and you can't move in on my roommate" He paused, before laughing thinking about Mike. He hadn't seen him since he whisked Marco out of the room and didn't even know of his whereabouts anymore. "Didn't he even mind? I feel like Mike is the jealous type. Watching his wife and brother-in-law's friend cosy it up on his couch, in his house? It would really riffle his pages, if you ask me"

"That's nothing to joke about. I am married and Scott has only just split up with his wife" He watched her cheeks go red, hitting his arm furiously before leaning back in the chair and folding her arms. "And don't talk about Mike like that. He's been here for hours over the past few days with me, making sure you weren't dead. He really cares, you know. And he doesn't get jealous, okay?"

"Just because I joked doesn't mean Scott isn't single and ready to mingle" Frank replied.

She shook her head in response, eyes widening quickly. "He isn't"

"Oh, did you learn that over your heartfelt conversation on Thanksgiving?" Frank asked, laughing as he leaned toward her and poked her arm. She hit his hands away and the two of them ended up laughing again. It felt nice to feel that much normality in the room after being the centre of the wrong attention and constantly pitied. It felt nice to not be the "dying patient" for just a few minutes and to be Gabriela's older brother.

Of course, it wouldn't last. They were soon interrupted by Dr. Eaton who entered the room with a few nurses. they were obviously stationed at Eaton's side in case Frank tried anything again. Gabriela sat back in her chair a little as he approached. "Hi Frank," he said, the two of them sitting upright as he appeared in front of them. "We can take you down to theatre now, if you're ready for the surgery?"

Frank looked toward Gabriela who nodded at him. "I'll be right here when you wake up"

He looked toward his phone lay in his lap, the picture on the screen being of him and Karen. She was smiling, and Frank was too. It wasn't a fake smile. It was rare, that's what it was. He so desperately wanted to go back to that now it was over. But he knew that the only way he would recover was by going forward, leaving the past events behind.

Karen had made it clear that she would not be present in his future.

He nodded. "Ready"


	43. chrysanthemums

Frank instantly felt the urge to vomit as he woke from the anaesthesia what felt like five minutes later. His eyes instantly searched for a clock, the time being 14:45. He was grateful there actually was a clock in sight, there still not being one in his room. The hands wobbled in his eyes and there was a doctor next to his bed, their soothing voice supposed to calm him.

He grabbed the bowl put in front of him and instantly threw up, letting the doctor take it from him once he had settled. It felt good to throw the anaesthesia back up as it made his veins itch when it sat in his body. It was almost going back on his detox, but fixing his spine without it would possibly kill him. "How are you feeling, Frank?"

He sighed, leaning back into the pillow. "Not too bad"

\--

"Frankie boy!"

His eyes flickered to the door where all of his squad ran into the room, Scott leading the whole pack. In times like these, he realised just how big his squad actually was. The other eight of them had actually cared enough to show up when Frank wasn't even remotely nice to half of them in general. He made a pact there and then to change that. He grinned as they ran at him and Scott flung his arms around him quickly.

"Careful!" Frank shouted, Scott's grip immediately loosening on his neck. Frank managed to put his arms around him in response, smiling at his comfort and compassion. He knew he wasn't supposed to move that much, but the doctor was out of the room and it would most likely go unnoticed with the whole squad surrounding them. Scott's joy was overbearing, but Frank had actually missed his odd optimism when he was in Oregon, so he let it slide. 

"Don't all rush in at once" Gabriela said, standing from the chair and pushing Scott backward toward the foot of the bed. Considering how tired she was, her movement was quick and Scott was soon further away from Frank. Gabriela was small next to him, looking up toward him like she did with Frank. He watched the two of them carefully, wondering if any of what he and Gabriela had talked about would affect her.

Scott just smiled as her hand pressed into his chest. "Hi, Gabby"

She smiled a little tightly after what Frank had said previously. "Scott"

"What happened, man? You all good?" Scott asked, heading around the other side of the bed to sit in the chair next to Frank. He was the only one to speak to him at length, the others in the squad having said their short pieces, mostly shaking his hand and moving on. Scott was fully invested, leaning forward on the chair ready to listen to what he had to say. 

"I'm fine" Frank replied, Scott folding his arms as he sat forward in the chair. Frank looked between the group of them before back at Gabriela who understood the clear signal to get the rest of the squad to leave. She stood, talking to them briefly before they all made their exits after saying goodbye to Frank. Once they'd left, he turned to Scott instantly. "You didn't have to bring literally the whole squad"

Scott just laughed, "You think they let me come on my own? No way. LePaul gave me the day off so I can stay here but they've all gotta get back soon. She's on her way up, she had a problem with the parking meter or something. You should have seen her when I told her. She was shitting bricks! Thought it was her fault cause she suspended you the other week"

"Shit, man, really?" Frank was shocked, to say the least. They never really got to know him like Scott did and he figured them all scared of him. Scott was the only one who ever really talked to him about things. All this time Frank had put him down and possibly felt himself higher than Scott when really, he was the only one of them that actually had any balls.

She appeared before Scott could reply. Striding through the door, upright but obviously nervous. He could tell, but he would never let that slip. "Frank," LePaul said, approaching the side of his bed. She had a card in her hand along with a bunch of flowers. The colours wounded his eyes after being used to the white interior for so long. "How are you doing?"

Frank laughed, taking the flowers from her as she leaned toward him. They hugged and it was weird. Frank never hugged anyone other than close family. Sometimes Scott. Her hug was more comforting than he expected; feeling her body relax in his arms unlike nothing before. He stared down at the flowers as they pulled away from one another. "Chrysanthemums? I wonder whose idea that was?"

"Sardarov's. He seemed pretty eager when I bought up the idea" LePaul said, placing the card on the bedside table next to his phone and a paper cup filled with water. "I was insistent on something else, maybe nuts or chocolates or even just a card, but he was really, really adamant. He even bought them himself"

"Sardarov tell you I'm allergic?" Frank asked, looking away from LePaul toward Scott. He held his nose to stop himself from laughing as LePaul shot a glare at him. Frank looked between them before looking at Gabriela who shook her head, also glaring at Scott. Frank even managed a smile. "Thank you. It's the thought that counts"

He could feel his throat growing itchy and the urge to sneeze came on very suddenly. His eyes twitched and he shut them before rubbing his nose. LePaul continued onto more official business and he could tell that she was getting uncomfortable with the normality of the conversation and the fact it wasn't about work. "I hope I don't see you back at work for at least a few months. Rest and get better. You know your job will be waiting"

Frank just nodded, "Thank you. It means a lot"

LePaul bid her goodbye, leading the rest of the squad out of the hospital as she reached the door. The three of them watched her go, waiting until the echo of their presence died. When he was left with Scott and Gabriela, he turned toward her quickly, a frown on his face. "I suppose it was you that told him I was allergic to Chrysanthemums?"

She shrugged, eyes wandering the room as she avoided his gaze. "It may have slipped out"

He then turned and glared at Scott before sneezing loudly. Gabriela handed him a tissue in which he blew his nose. After discarding of it in the small bin next to his bed, he shook his head at him once more. He was still wearing the brace around his neck, so just the simple task was difficult. He couldn't remember a time when he wasn't wearing it. "I can't believe you"

Scott just laughed. "I'm sorry, I thought it would be funny"

Sneezing again, Frank reached for another and wiped his nose quickly. He scrunched the tissue in his fist after taking a deep breath. He then turned to Gabriela, and as he did he spotted Dr. Eaton stood watching him from the door, alongside the nurse who had continually spoken to him and helped him with tasks so simple it was embarrassing. He suddenly felt self conscious. "Can you go get me some allergy pills? I have some in my apartment or you can buy some"

She nodded, standing from the chair and grabbing her jacket from the back. Before speaking, she eyed Scott, thinking Frank hadn't noticed. Her eyes flickered to him, "I'll go to your place, it's closer than mine is and I have to walk, Mike is on the school run right now. Do you want anything? Spare clothes, books? Music?" 

"A beer" he joked. Scott laughed and Frank guaranteed he would. It was almost why he said it, to lift the spirits and extinguish the tensions between him and his sister. He willed her to leave so he could ask Scott about it. Her disapproving look sunk into him and he shook his head. "Nothing I can think of, please go home afterwards because you deserve a break. I don't need you here today, I have Scott"

She never answered but shook her head, sighing. She had accepted the offer to go home, get a proper sleep and then return refreshed whenever he needed her. Kissing his forehead, she left the room quickly and headed toward the stairwell. Frank turned back toward Scott, staring at him. He frowned, "What?"

"Answer this honestly" He said, forcing himself up in the bed. Scott jumped up quickly, attempting to help him but sitting down as Frank dismissed him. He waited a few seconds before continuing, giving it a few more seconds for Gabriela to get further away from the room so that she didn't even catch the end of their conversation, Frank knew she would get angry. "Do you have the hots for my Sister?"

There was the tiniest hesitation before Scott laughed and that was all Frank needed against him. Frank may have all of his walls lowered and his systems infected and vulnerable, but he could still read Scott exceptionally well. He saw right through the lie that was just about to come out of his mouth. "What? Are you serious, Frank?"

"Honestly, Scott" Frank repeated. "That hesitation says more than you think"

Scott sighed, leaning backward in his chair with embarrassment. "Okay, maybe I do a little bit"

Frowning wildly and shutting his eyes with disgust, Frank groaned. "Scott! That's gross"

"You fucking asked me, Frank! I can't help it, I know it's wrong, like she's married and has two fucking kids. Mike is a great guy, I barely even know him but he was just so welcoming, I'd never do that to him. It's most likely because I split with Elise. It happens, I'll get over it. Probably" He answered, his cheeks flooding red and everything he had said come out in a jumble. 

Frank almost laughed, but he felt bad. Instead, he sighed loudly. He was right about Mike. He was nice, maybe even too nice. Frank knew just how ruthless Gabriela could be at times and how much of a bitch she was in just the right moments and he didn't understand why someone as nice as Mike wanted to marry her. He knew he was too nice the minute he asked Frank for her hand in marriage because their father was "unavailable". "I should have never told her to invite you to Thanksgiving"

"That was you?" Scott asked quickly, almost unable to process what Frank had said to him.

"Of course it was me" He replied, slightly offended that he hadn't realised already. Did he really think that Gabriela would just randomly call him up and ask him to dinner without some kind of input? Especially since the two of them hadn't met many times before and merely spoken over the phone. "You sounded beat on the phone, I didn't like it. I couldn't do something shitty with you cause I was in shitty Oregon so I made Gabby do something about it" 

Scott laughed again, leaning back in the chair with a hand on his chest. "You care"

Sighing once again, Frank nodded. He was trying to be serious, and in all moments, Scott found the hilarity. He wasn't taking any of it seriously. He never did when it came to himself, only when it came to Frank and the well-being of others. Scott spent so much of his seriousness on others that he'd let his own life become a joke. "Of course I care, Scott. I don't know how not to care when you're all up in my shit" 

Scott just stared at Frank. He was making him giddy with how many times he was laughing. Frank figured he'd made a fool of himself by letting his emotional side take over in terms of Scott. They were never emotional around each other, it has just become a standard thing. That's why Frank could tolerate him so much. But now he realised, being emotional around your friends and letting them care for you is what makes them your friends. "I can't believe that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me" 

"I should have said more" Frank answered. "I'm sorry for being such a bad friend" 

Scott shook his head, "Gabby calling me and asking if I wanted to eat Thanksgiving dinner with your family was the best thing to happen to me in these past few months. You were right, I was beat on the phone and I was sitting alone and drinking in your apartment. And that picked me right up. Your family are wonderful, Frank. They were the nicest and most welcoming people. And I haven't had a Thanksgiving that good since I was 19" 

Frank was unable to respond to Scott's words. It was so clear now, why he did have a small soft spot for Gabriela growing - it was just her nature. She was so kind and loving that it just threw him off a bit. He probably wondered how the two of them were related. He could only think of one thing to say that was situation appropriate. "Our apartment. It's ours for as long as you need it"

Scott smiled at Frank, placing a hand on his arm and squeezing a little. Leaning over, Frank placed a hand on top of Scott's and the two of them stayed there for a few seconds whilst Frank processed that he'd had the busiest day ever. And he was completely beat. "When Gabby called me and said you overdosed, I checked next door. She wasn't in her apartment. I don't know why I thought she would be, but. Maybe she'd gotten back before you were transferred from Oregon, I don't know" Scott said, once the two of them had pulled away from the position. There was no need for an introduction, and it shocked Frank that Scott knew just like that. "Did you tell her?"

He nodded. "How could you tell?"

Scott shrugged. "You're a completely different guy around her. I haven't seen him today" 

"It went so badly, Scott" He whispered, feeling the tears begin to lodge themselves in his throat. It was already hard to show the emotional side in front of Scott without being completely out of his mind on meds where he couldn't control it. But it was time and he was ready, his vulnerability just wasn't ready to completely show. His head span as he replayed the scene over and over and the thud of him hitting the floor seemed to clear any further memory of it. "She's not coming back"

He shook his head, frown softening as he leaned forward. "You don't know that"

Frank nodded, smiling tightly but sincerely watery. Scott's eyes fell to the floor with disappointment, Frank's walls back up thick and high. It affected him as much as it affected Frank - Karen had become a friend to Scott and Frank hated it. But he finally realised that some of his hurt was halved. "Pretty certain. I mean, she couldn't even be bothered to show up when I overdose on fucking pain meds. Something tells me she doesn't care"

"She can't just stop caring, just like that. Give it time, Frank. Trust me" Scott answered. "Please"

Sniffing, he looked toward him. "And how long do I give it before I give up?"

\--

Frank was dozing off when a doctor entered his room. He hadn't seem him before, but forced himself awake when he approached Frank with a smile. He was a lot taller than Dr. Eaton and a lot older, and Frank instantly instilled a lot more trust in him before he'd even spoken a single word. His voice was warm and soothing when he did, and it put Frank at a little more ease than he was already at. "Hi, Frank, I'm Dr. McCarrell"

"Hi" Frank croaked in response.

"Dr. Eaton asked if I would come and have a chat with you, I hope that's okay?" McCarrell asked.

Frank nodded before he realised the real purpose of his visit. His eyes flickered toward the long coat he was wearing, labelled in the top of his chest on the white as **DAREN MCCARRELL PSYCHIATRIC UNIT**. His heart sunk a little, but he somehow suspected it would happen at some point - most of the doctors thought he was crazy so really, it was just a matter of time. "You're a shrink"

McCarrell laughed a little in response. "If you want to put it that way, then yes. I've been called that an awful lot in my time, trust me. I'd be surprised if some of them didn't know the correct term for a "shrink" its used that much"

"Are you here to talk about my drug problem that nobody has shut up about for the past forty eight hours? Cause I'm just about sick of it" He answered, avoiding McCarrell's eyes as he knew they would be full of pity. Frank's story was a "heart-wrencher" according to his sister; a junkie cop overdoses as he heroically tries to fight his spinal problems to continue serving the community. It was all complete bullshit.

Shaking his head, he leaned forward in the chair. His movements were slow, and it reminded him of his mother. They must have been similar in age, but so different in persona and state of mind. For one, Dr. McCarrell wasn't dying from multiple and continuous strokes that eat away at his brain. "I was actually wondering about these" 

Frank frowned as he reached for the box of allergy pills and took a look at them. He pulled his glasses from the top of his head and lowered it closer to get a better look. Frank watched his every move, trying to think what they had to do with anything and what Dr. Eaton spotted whilst he was spying earlier. "My allergy pills? If you're presuming I'm addicted to those as well, you're wrong. I haven't touched them in years until today" 

"I wasn't assuming that at all. What do you take them for?" Dr. McCarrell asked, placing the box back on the side. He folded his arms and sat back in the chair with his eyes on Frank as he waited for him to answer. Frank wondered whether he should tell the truth or not, bizarrely. He didn't know why the thought crossed his mind but he figured something off about this "visit" set up by Dr. Eaton.

"I'm allergic to Chrysanthemums, I start sneezing and my throat itches when I'm near them so I take them whenever I need" Frank answered, rather slowly as he recalled everything that went down earlier in the day. He was becoming convinced that they thought his addiction wasn't just to pain meds but also to his allergy pills - as irrational as that sounded. But it was some ridiculous accusation you could make about a junkie. And that's exactly what Frank was.

"Are they prescribed?" McCarrell asked.

"No" Frank answered. "They do the job, though"

"Hmm," he responded. "Dr. Eaton told me that when you claimed to have an allergic reaction to them earlier today, it wasn't the most normal of responses. Contact with Chrysanthemums when you're allergic results in either a rash, asthmatic attack, or inflammation of your sinuses which you showed none of. Chrysanthemums can also cause contact dermatitis, which with your history of unprescribed treatment of your allergic reactions, would be the case here. And it isn't"

Frank just frowned, "What are you trying to say?"

"You're not allergic to Chrysantheums, are you Frank?" He paused for a second, flustered before sighing as Dr. McCarrell continued. "It's merely a psychological thing, Frank. I'm guessing you've had some sort of triggering event that makes you act that way around Chrysanthemums. It would trigger your supposed allergic reaction, even when there isn't anything to treat. Your mind causes you to sneeze when you inhale their pollen, and your throat grows sore just at the thought of them around you"

Unable to fathom what he was saying, Frank tried to nod. "Right"

"Can you think of anything that would cause this psychological reaction, Frank? Anything at all? Every little thing counts, even if it's something you think isn't that major. Sometimes its the smaller things that can trigger the most bizarre things. Like the domino effect, in a way"

It suddenly became clear. Frank knew where the root of the problem began - right where the root of most of his psychological problems began. The Chrysanthemums played an almost vital role which is why he'd accustomed himself to hate them, to form an "allergy" to them, just so he didn't even have to be near them - his father's death.


	44. cheese is overrated

"Toward me?"

Frank raised his arm toward the physiotherapist in front of him, the dumbbell shifting in his hand as he did. They had gotten heavier with every physiotherapy session he'd had. It became a routine everyday and it was exhausting. Get up, lifted into a wheelchair and rolled down to the physiotherapy unit, proceed to wear himself out for an hour, be showered by an already sweaty nurse and rolled back to his ward.

It wasn't how he remembered it. The ice hockey kept him fit, all the training hours he put in a week making the therapy easy even with a fractured spine. He was out of hospital in 3 weeks tops. This time it took an entire month to build himself back up. The pain beforehand had meant he'd been skipping the gym with Scott and staying in bed to soothe himself instead. His nutritionist said he'd put on over 8 pounds worth of fat exceeding the limit for fieldwork. It was a mini motivator.

"Are we ever going to break this routine? Day 31 and it's irritatingly boring" Frank answered, switching the dumbbell in his hands and completing his session. The routine had become imprinted on his mind, having to follow it everyday at exactly the same time for the past month and it reminded him of training for the force. Hitting the gym every morning to do the same circuit everyday - it was the only thing that felt normal to him whilst cooped up in hospital.

"Today, in fact" Laura, the physiotherapist who Frank has known and worked with everyday for the past month, sat in front of him, replied, pushing herself off the floor with ease. Frank envied her as he watched, twisting his neck a little to follow where she was going. She had gone through all the training with him for hours on end, sat with him when he'd cried with frustration and slipped him a free "treat" from the vender once he'd hit a milestone. "It's baby step time, Frank"

Frank sighed, leaning back a little on the balls of his hands. His whole body began to sink with dread as he could feel the therapy moving forward. It was exactly this time the first time round where he'd taken a step too quickly and set himself back. He was always weary from then on. And it wasn't afraid to show its face now. Even as a grown man, he was terrified. Terrified of doing irreversible damage. "It's definitely not"

"It is" She answered, hauling along the ropes. They helped Frank up off the floor and back into his chair and vice versa. They were strong and rubbery and Frank knew he had burns from where they dug into his legs that he couldn't itch. He'd learned to get used to it by now, but it wasn't the most comfortable. One perk of hopefully being able to walk again was saying goodbye to them. Being able to get to his feet on his own.

"Are you sure?" He asked, Laura pulling the ropes down to his arms and legs before hauling him back into the wheelchair behind him. When he'd first gotten into the chair, it was comfortable and maybe even considered soft, but since he'd spent every living moment in there when around and about the hospital, a dent had formed and taken away any form of comfort. Another thing he should be happy to leave behind. Frank eyed the bars on the other side of the room as she rolled him toward them.

"I am sure" She replied. "You're ready, Frank, and you know it. It's the final hurdle and once we get you up and about it will give me a better indication of how you're doing. How long til you can go home. To be honest with you, I'm sick of you. Only joking. But I can bet your family are eager for you to get out of here"

"Let's get up then shall we?" He was suddenly bursting with enthusiasm, only false enthusiasm as he placed his hands on the arms of the wheel chair. Raising his brows as he looked at her, he grinned falsely. The mention of his family reminded him of Gabriela's eagerness, and it put him off - she'd soon be taking care of him every waking moment with no nurses to help her other than Mike. He didn't want to subject her to losing any sort of life just to look after him.

Laura laughed, crouching next to the wheelchair and looking toward him. His enthusiasm drained as her eyes landed on him. He had almost begun to get used to living in considerably less pain than he was originally and he didn't feel like going back to that. He'd finally convinced himself that he could live without it. "What are you afraid of?"

"Aren't you supposed to be teaching me the opposite?" He asked.

She nodded. "Of course. But it helps to know and it's a good motivator"

After a slight hesitation he sighed. "Falling. I'm afraid of falling"

Laura presented a small smile, placing a hand on his arm as she nodded. "I thought as much"

"If this happens for a third time I'll certainly be immobile" He answered, suddenly feeling less confident. The image struck him pretty hard and degrading from Sergeant Castle to just Frank Castle would be a permanent wound. Everyone around him would look at him differently; look at him with pity. He already hated that and it was only temporary. He couldn't let it become a full time thing.

"Then let's not let that happen" She answered. "Up you get. Use your arms, force all the strength to your torso and let your legs do the work once you're up, and only then" He gripped the edge of the chair, doing as he had been taught for endless years on end and all throughout police academic training. Frank pushed all his weight into his chest, puffing in tightly and gripping onto the side of the chair even more tightly. 

Laura pulled the bars before him and slid them neatly around the chair as Frank rose. His feet were numb, not having walked in almost two months. It was a strange to feel something other than air between his toes as he pressed them to the floor. He switched his hands from the chair to the bars and steadied himself. "Got any family, Frank?" She asked, clearly trying to take his mind off the fear of falling.

He nodded, hands beginning to shake as they gripped onto the bars so much. His back felt strange as he extended it upward rather than just laying down. The relief of standing up straight was something he hadn't felt in an awful long time and it felt so damn good. "Brother and sister. Both younger. My Ma, but she's dying. A niece and nephew and a brother in law"

"No partner?" Laura asked, taking him by the elbow to steady him. He clung to the bars for dear life, feeling as though his whole body would turn to jelly. Surprisingly, his legs were pretty strong. He took a few minutes to steady himself, taking his hands off the bars for merely a few seconds at short intervals to see whether his balance was good enough.

"She left me" Frank replied, pulling himself along using the bars. He put one foot in front of the other as he shuffled across the floor. The underlying anger he felt toward Karen was seeping out at the mention and beginning to motivate him to move forward. It wasn't entirely anger, in a way, more like sadness. "Because of this"

"That seems a little unfair if you ask me" Laura answered, slowly letting go of his elbow as she walked along with him. Frank hadn't even realised that the talking was working and he was so wrapped up in whatever he was thinking that he was just going along with whatever felt normal. His feet were moving without even thinking. 

"Whatever" Frank answered, his eyes scouting the room for anything other than Laura. He'd never shared something so personal with her so easily. "It was her choice. We weren't exactly married so she can do what she wants. She isn't anchored to me and this shitty problem, so that's that"

"Frank" Laura said, causing him to look at her with a small frown on his face. She just smiled at him, arms folded. "You're walking"

\--

"Uncle Frank!"

"Whoa, Lay slow down! Don't attack him, he's still recovering"

Frank saw her run into the room quickly and he leaned forward on the edge of his bed as far as he could to embrace her in a hug. She gripped him tightly and the biggest smile spread across his face. Once he opened his eyes he saw Mike approach the bed, smiling at the two of them. Jamie was stood by his side and Frank held his arm out toward him. Mike urged him forward and he eventually landed in Frank's free arm. "I missed you guys"

"Why did you have to stay in hospital for so long?" Layla asked, pulling out of their hug as she sat on the edge of his lap. Frank had specifically told Gabriela and Mike that he didn't want the two of them to visit him when he was such a mess, only when he looked somewhat normal to them. Now he'd built himself back up and gotten rid of his pill problem, he'd called Mike and asked him to bring them.

"Cause I was really unwell" Frank answered, noticing that now they were both here, it was the first time he was thinking about something other than his problems. Something else consumed him; love for his family. He was even the slightest happy to see Mike, and that was saying something. "And some of my bones were broken so they had to fix me up"

"Mom has been cleaning out the spare room" Layla replied, swinging her legs back and forth as she looked up toward Frank. The two of them sat on the edge of the bed together whilst Jamie just stood in front of them both next to Mike. It was an odd combination. "Are you coming to stay with us when you come home? Because every time I ask mom she always-"

"Uh, only if it's okay with you guys?" Frank asked, cutting in and looking between them both. He tried to smile at them playfully and Layla just nodded before throwing her arms around him once more. Frank kept his eyes on Jamie as he didn't really react in the way he usually does. Then again, Frank hadn't seen them for almost two months. Things change. "What's the matter, bud?"

Jamie shrugged. "I don't like school"

Frank ruffled his hair in response, beckoning him toward the bed. He shuffled over and Frank put his arm around him in an attempt to comfort him. "Everyone feels that way at some point, dude. I did. But then it got awesome and I loved going. It always gets better when you get older because you can have a lot more fun"

"Really?" Jamie asked, a questioning look on his face. Frank just nodded to further confirm.

"Of course. Would I lie?" He answered. "Don't worry, it will get better and you'll have a blast"

Mike approached the bed and sat next to Frank as he distributed money between the two of them, telling them to get what they liked from the vending machine down the hall. The two of them headed off down the room toward the door before heading out of it and toward the vender. Mike just sighed, looking toward Frank before he spoke. "I take it Gabby hasn't told you?"

Frank sighed in response, rubbing his eyes as his body filled with dread. "What now?"

"Jamie got suspended" Mike answered, scratching the back of his neck. "For three days"

"Three days? Are you kidding me, what for?" Frank asked lowly.

"He certainly didn't learn this from me and I'm still racking my brains trying to think where he did, but, he punched a kid in his grade for picking on Jesse Sardarov" Mike answered. "The kid wasn't even removed from the school for bullying, they sent J away instead, how does that make any sense, really?"

"Holy shit, Mike, he actually punched someone? But he's only 11" Frank asked, both confused but amazed at the news. Not only at the fact that Jamie was now one to be watched and known for sticking up for someone but also because he stuck up for Jesse. He wondered what Scott made of this news. Clearly Mike was upset so Frank couldn't express his actual thoughts or his gratitude to Jamie for doing what he did.

"Gab and I are still trying to work out exactly the same thing, trust me. I don't know where he even saw it, where did he learn it? It had to have been built up over time cause he knocked that dudes tooth out" Mike answered, shaking his head. "Do you think they see shit like this on TV? Or on those video games that he plays? I mean, he's fucking 11, surely violence is at a minimum, right?"

Frank laughed in disbelief and knew Mike would send him a disapproving look at the sound. He did. "Oh my God it gets better. He knocked his tooth out? Aren't the family onto you about that? Reaching for money? Talk to Scott he can get you a good lawyer"

"It's not funny, Frank" Mike answered, more of a snap than anything. Frank could tell just about how much his ability to find comedy in anything annoyed him, just like it annoyed Frank when Scott did it. The two of them were more alike than he'd realised. "Gabby is incredibly pissed off. The past two days when she's taken Lay to school she comes back complaining about the other parents staring at her. Especially the mom of the kid J punched"

"She'll get over it" Frank answered. "She always does. It will all be fine soon. Jamie taught that kid a lesson, he'll be fine when he goes back. I know from experience"

"I fucking know you do. For the rest of my life I'll always remember when you beat the living shit out of that Tommy Jankis kid at the senior pep rally. Man, I couldn't even breathe it was that intense" Mike answered. Frank laughed, trying to ignore why he had beaten the living shit out of Tommy Jankis - for hurting Karen. But nobody knew that back then, and they wouldn't know now. Brushing the subject onto something else rather quickly, Mike spoke again. "How was the physiotherapy today?"

Frank scratched the back of his neck. "I didn't think you'd be the first person to know about a milestone, but, I walked today" He answered, breathing a huge sigh of relief as he said it aloud. It was official now, not just a dream that Frank had like he had before. He actually did it. "It was terrifying. Really. But I did it and now I don't even remember what it felt like not to be able to do it, you know?"

"Hey!" Mike exclaimed, smiling as he pat Frank on the back. Frank smiled back, looking toward him gratefully. He knew there were a long list of other people he'd rather be telling first than Mike, but his enthusiasm and happiness was good enough for Frank. "That's great. Does that mean you're coming home soon?"

Frank shrugged but also nodded a little. Laura had avoided the topic of discharge after she'd said once he was walking again, she would be able to determine whether it was soon or not, so Frank assumed he'd done something wrong to set himself back in the process. "Hopefully. I come off my monitored meds soon and honestly I just want a beer"

Mike laughed, shaking his head. "We have plenty lined up for when you get out, trust me. Gab bought your favourites especially and they are not cheap. Why do you have such expensive taste? It seriously bleeds me dry"

Before Frank could reply, Jamie and Layla came running back into the room. Their footsteps were heard for miles, shoes thundering on the squeaky clean floors of Frank's room. "Dad!" Layla claimed, a whiny and teary voice. "Jamie got my candy stuck in the machine!"

"No I didn't!" Jamie whined in return, more anger and dispute displayed in his voice. Layla jabbed him in the arm with a groan and Jamie did the same, only harder and louder. Frank watched them both, bewildered, as they began squabbling wildly. Mike groaned loudly, standing from the bed and splitting the two of them apart.

"Enough" he snapped. "We'll sort it out when we get outside, come on. Say bye to Uncle Frank" He answered, placing his hands on both their shoulders. They stopped fighting at the mention of his name and they then took it in turns to hug Frank before he grabbed his wallet from the bedside table.

"Here," he said, pulling five dollars from one of the compartments. "Go get something else"

Handing it to Layla, they ran off quickly. Mike turned toward him with a sigh. "Thanks, Frank"

"Thanks for bringing them" He answered. "Seriously. It means a lot"

Before leaving, Mike placed his hand on Frank's shoulder and squeezed a little. "Hopefully the next time I see you is at home"

Frank stared at the door as Mike walked out, looking left and right before going left toward where the kids were. Frank's wallet was still open in his hands and when he looked down, he saw the photograph. It was dark, the only source of light being the fireworks behind her. She was smiling, arms in the air as the reds and the greens burst behind her into the dark sky.

_"Aren't they wonderful?" She said, more of a shout into his ear as they crackled loudly above them. Frank looked above him as he flinched at every bang in the sky, every crackle in his ears. The colours exploded across the dark sky, the cold air biting at his cheeks as he looked up toward the sky._

_"Picturesque" He replied, pulling his phone from his pocket quickly. He let go of her arm, pushing her in front of him as another firework burst into the sky. She was so full of joy, grinning and bouncing everywhere. He wondered how she wasn't cold or whether the alcohol was the thing keeping her warm. "Say cheese"_

_"Cheese is overrated" She shouted in response, laughing as she threw her arms in the air. She screamed with the fireworks, her voice getting lost in the air. Frank just smiled at how much energy she had, how happy she was and how much she seemed at home among all these people._

_"Say something else then" He shouted in response. She shrugged quickly, looking over her shoulder as Frank still held the phone in front of him. The screen tinted black before he could take a photograph. "I don't care, I'm just taking the photo"_

_"Don't be such an asshole" Frank tapped the screen to pull the camera back and it took the photo. He laughed, shoving his phone back into his pocket and pulling her back toward him. "This is amazing!"_

_"Perfect caption"_

He closed his wallet quickly, swallowing as there was a voice in his ear. He looked up to see Dr. Eaton in front of him, holding a bunch of paperwork along with a pair of crutches. "Frank?" He strained a little as he flinched upward too fast. It was painful, but only for a little while. It only lasted a few seconds. "Discharge papers" He held the papers up with a smile, placing the crutches next to his bed, leaning them against the bedside table so they didn't fall.

Smiling, Frank nodded. "Where do I sign?"


	45. revenge of kaltar: 2

It was just over a week after when he hopped out of the hospital on two crutches and a bag on his back along with a lopsided beanie on his head. The car sat outside the hospital in the bay, Mike in the drivers seat. Gabriela walked next to him, holding the rest of his things and placing them into the backseat of the car. She took his crutches from him as he sat in the backseat next to his things.

Mike looked over his shoulder as Gabriela sat in the seat next to him. He grinned at Frank who pulled the beanie off his head and placed it in his lap. Her car was comfortable and it smelt brand new as Frank hadn't smelt anything other than hospital antiseptic for almost two months. "On the home stretch now, bud"

Frank just nodded, looking toward his feet as Mike drove out of the bay and toward the exit of the parking lot. He'd been out for the odd few events but he always exited knowing he was returning and it just wasn't the same as freedom. "I feel like it's a never ending circle. I'll be back in another 15 years, guys"

He called out to the hospital in the window without turning his neck completely. Gabriela chuckled, reaching behind her and Frank saw her hand appear at the bottom of the chair. He took hold of it and squeezed. They arrived at Gabriela's house within 15 minutes, Frank hobbling down the driveway on his crutches and up to the front door. Mike had gone ahead and opened it up, Frank stepping inside and sighing once he was in. Gabriela soon followed with his stuff.

"Alright" Mike said, Frank following him into the living room. Marco sat on the couch next to Layla who was drawing away on an iPad and Jamie lay flat out on the floor with a game controller in his hand. Frank's eyes flickered to the screen to see a mix of lights and action flit across it. "Ready to go? Movie starts in 10 minutes"

"What movie are you seeing?" Frank asked, propping his crutches against the couch next to the one Marco and Layla occupied before sitting down in it. Everything felt so normal as he'd asked Gabriela to cut the whole "welcome home" act as the attention would only overwhelm him even more than he already was. Plus, a party would only lead to him wanting to get incredibly drunk as the last time he'd done that had been too long ago.

"Something the kids want to see, I forget the name" Mike muttered, rubbing his eyes as he was clearly tired and sleep deprived. If he was in that situation, the last thing on Frank's list would be going to see a movie with multiple screaming kids around you. He wondered what excuse Gabriela had used to get out of it. "I'm gonna fall asleep watching it, anyway"

"It's _Revenge of Kaltar: 2_ , Dad" Jamie complained from the floor, not bothering to look up as his hands worked furiously at the controller. The TV spat millions of sounds and pictures, Frank getting a headache just from looking at them. Jamie's eyes were furiously trained on them, darting to and from one corner and the other before a small grunt of exasperation escaped his mouth every now and then.

"It'll be Revenge of Kicking Your Butt if you don't hurry up" Mike answered, walking toward the TV and hesitating in front of the button. Jamie's fascination with the game confused Frank as he was never really interested in video games of any type whilst growing up. He could see that it annoyed Mike to no extent. "I'll turn it off J and you know it"

"Okay! Okay" he shouted, the action on the screen coming to a quick halt and with a few more clicks of a button, the screen went dark. Jamie stood from the floor before tidying the controller device away and switching off the TV. He then sighed, standing next to Mike who put his arm around him and pulled him close to his body.

"That wasn't even funny, Dad" Layla said, leaning toward Marco and kissing him on the cheek before leaving the iPad next to him and getting off the sofa. Marco laughed, looking at the disappointment on Mike's face. Frank did the same. Layla just giggled at the fact the two of them had joined her in taking down her Dad and his terrible jokes.

"Wow, thanks Lay" Mike said sarcastically, Jamie having left the room and Layla heading toward him. She then leaned forward toward Frank and kissed his cheek. He rubbed her back in an attempt to hug her. She then headed past Mike and out into the hallway whilst he was still stood there complaining to Frank and Marco. "I can't get anything right these days, can I?"

"Are you both ready?" Gabriela called from the kitchen, her voice getting closer as she approached and appeared in the doorway. She held two jackets in her hand along with her purse under her arm. Since returning home, she'd secured her hair in a loose bun and began making some coffee. Handing Mike the jackets, she then began rooting through her purse for money.

"Gab, I'm handling it" Mike replied, looking toward her as he followed the two of them toward the door. He pressed his lips to hers as they crossed paths, Gabriela stroking his cheek as he brushed the top of her nose with his lips. "I love you"

"I love you" She replied, just before he disappeared.

"Don't wait up, you guys" He joked, clearly aimed at Frank and Marco as his voice was heard all the way from the front door. Marco laughed, Gabriela sticking her head around the door and rolling her eyes and Frank managed a small laugh. When they were alone, him and Marco didn't speak to one another. Even though they'd made up, they didn't really know what to say to one another without Gabriela in their presence to help.

"Later, Mike" Marco called, Frank feeling too tired to reply. He stared at the wall in front of him, the blank screen of the TV in the corner of his vision. Even breathing felt like a task at this point. As Gabriela re-entered the room, Marco spoke up once again as she sat on the couch next to Frank. "Can I give it to him now?" 

"Whatever, fine, but you're going to get the food afterwards" She replied.

"Yes alright" He snapped in response.

Frank snorted, finding the energy. "You two are worse than Layla and Jamie. Give who, what?"

"Well" Marco said, edging along the sofa and reaching down to where the two of them met and there was a small gap. He pulled out a wrapped gift. Frank eyed it nervously before Marco had even began to explain what it was. "Considering you had to spend Christmas in hospital, we got you a gift as a welcome home sort of thing"

Marco passed it to Gabriela who passed it to Frank. He stared at it uneasily, studying the size and the feel of it. He was never the best at accepting gifts from people as he wasn't good at hiding any sort of negative emotion toward them. He didn't know how to accept things with faux happiness. He then looked between the both of them. "What is it?"

Rolling her eyes, Gabriela sighed. "Open it and see"

"You ask that every damn time" Marco said, also rolling his eyes. Frank just sighed as he carefully picked at the wrapping paper. He could tell it had been wrapped by Mike; Gabriela's wrapping was atrocious. Up until a few years ago, he could pick her gifts out under any Christmas tree, but when Ma finally had the guts to tell her, she made Mike wrap everything.

Once he had made a slot big enough, he reached inside and pulled the contents from the paper. The box was small, smaller than the average movie but he recognised it from anywhere. _Life Is Beautiful_. Frank felt his eyes fill with tears but he couldn't tell whether it was down to the overwhelming factor of being out of hospital or this. He looked between the two of them as he held it tightly.

"I kicked Mike and the kids out so we could watch it together, just like old times" Gabriela said, placing a hand on top of his arm. For once, he didn't flinch at her touch, and it felt comforting.

"And do what Gabby tells me is your 'favourite thing in the entire world'" Marco added, frowning a little when he used the air quotes. "Eat Thai food from that place on your block with a beer"

Frank could feel himself smiling as the three of them began to laugh. He knew now that Life Is Beautiful was going to be on, he'd have a much harder time staying awake because he knew he wouldn't want to miss it. Marco pushed himself up off the couch and headed toward the door after Gabriela handed him twenty dollars. "I'll be as quick as I can, text me your order"

"A beer," Frank repeated, turning toward Gabriela as Marco left the room. He moved his head slowly, still uncertain of what he was doing to his spine without the brace around his neck to support and guide him. Dr. Eaton had told him he didn't need it almost a week ago but he still felt the instability. They heard the front door shut for the second time. "I haven't had a beer since Halloween"

Gabriela scoffed, "Halloween? At my place when you got piss drunk?"

"Didn't need a stomach pump this time though, did I?" He said, rolling his head along the back of the couch to face her once again. She laughed, shoving his arm as he smiled at her. Although she was angry at the time, she did love remembering how Frank completely lit up the party after her wedding. No matter how much Mike was still begrudgingly against any kind of talk about it.

"How are you doing?" She asked quietly, keeping her eyes on him. She paused for a few seconds to give him a chance to reply. When he didn't she nudged him gently and spoke again. "Really. How are you doing, really? None of this "I'm fine" bs. Pour your heart out to me. You know I'll always listen"

Frank's eyes flickered back toward the wall, the blank TV back in the corner of his eye. Her eyes were on him and Frank could feel his eyes growing heavy, the tiredness ganging up on him quickly. He figured that he should answer her soon as she'd get restless and start an unnecessary argument. "Really?"

She nodded.

"I miss her" Frank answered, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat. "Now I'm out of hospital I don't have anything to distract myself from it. I don't have anything else to focus on, it's just sitting in the front of my mind and reminding me how much I screwed up"

"Are you kidding?" Gabriela asked, brows raised in disbelief. "Living here? You won't stop moving. You won't even have time to think"

He smiled a little. "I guess so" 

Gabriela continued. "And you weren't the one who screwed up, Frank. It isn't your fault. She chose to leave with no explanation, not you. It will be alright in the end" She said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You'll see. You've come back from everything under the sun, Frank. You're strong and you dodge just about everything that tries to ruin you. You'll be okay. You'll see"

_"Where are we going?"_

_Frank laughed, the two of them heading into her apartment. She'd asked that same question about four or five times on the journey home, unaware of the fact that they were indeed going where she'd just come from;_ Shay's _. "That would be telling"_

_"Are you kidding me, Frank? Why can't you tell me things instead of just saying "that would be telling" it's not funny" She replied, folding her arms. Frank laughed at her completely inaccurate impression of him, her faux deep voice._

_"That impression was stellar" He replied, watching her place a bag on the counter top. He headed to the refrigerator next to the basin and pulled a beer out. Drinking before even arriving at the bar wasn't his strong point, but he felt like he needed something to take the edge off his nerves._

_"Don't mock me" She complained. "Now where are we going?"_

_Frank shook his head, sipping from the beer quickly. "You'll see"_

You'll see.


	46. the sardarovs

Gabriela offered to go with him when Scott called. She said she'd bring Jamie with her so that Jesse would have someone to play with whilst they talked. Frank didn't really know the bond between the two of them other than the fact that since Jamie had been sticking up for him, they hadn't really left each other's sides.

The three of them pulled up toward a relatively small house that looked like it was built in the eighteen hundreds. It was sturdy though, the material displaying age but as they got closer the fit seemed better. Frank was off crutches now and his walk was becoming stronger. He was constantly moving his arms about as his mind was fixated on the fact his spine was moving out of place. It wasn't, but he didn't know how to tell his demons that.

Scott's house was definitely not what Frank was expecting, but it was cleaner than it looked on the outside. Cleaner than Frank ever imagined, really. After three months of living with him, Scott had turned Frank's apartment into an even bigger shit tip than the place already was. "Looks like Johnny picked the right place" Frank said, looking around. Half of it wasn't decorated still and Frank knew that Scott would take weeks to finish it. He might not even get round to doing that.

Scott nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. Frank took a look at him; he was tired. His eyes were heavy and he wasn't speaking much which were blaring sirens in his books. Scott was different because of this, because of what he went through and Frank now realised that he'd become so invested in their partnership that he'd noticed. Not only that, Scott had noticed the same for him. Weeks, months ago. But Frank just shrugged it off. Now, he understood.

"Are you okay?" Frank asked, noticing how silent he was. He looked toward Gabriela before Scott smiled at him. He could tell that she was weary of him too, a small frown on her face. Scott was slow with replies, the house looking pretty much like a bomb site and Frank definitely knew something was up because he wasn't saying half as much as he usually would.

"Fine. Really" Scott finally answered. "You guys want anything to drink?"

"Tired" Frank said, "You're tired"

Scott laughed, nodding as he scratched his chin. "You noticed"

"It's hard to miss" Frank replied, folding his arms. "How is it going?"

Scott nodded, widening his eyes in an attempt to keep them open. He leaned against the wall, folding his arms as he spoke. "Great. All settled in with Jesse. My divorce was finalised last week, after weeks and weeks of waiting. Elise's mailman boy toy was busted for drugs and I feel great about that. My mother actually called me the other day. She somehow found out we'd split and congratulated me on 'finally getting my life together'"

Frank managed a laugh, "Seems like you're not one for moping around"

"Nope" Scott said. "You guys made me see what was really important. Family. I am having a wheelchair ramp installed next week and Mason is moving in with me. That's everything on my radar from now on, fixing it up with my folks and Clara and Helena. Mason says he'll help me and as long as I don't pick up anyone like Elise again I should be okay"

"For real?" Frank asked, his brows raised.

Scott nodded. "As for Mason himself... I've been too distanced for too long. I should have been taking care of him since the accident happened. Seeing the way you cared for Frank after his surgery really made me realise. You really gave me a wake-up call, Gabby. And all that stuff you said on Thanksgiving sort of topped it off. I need to stop intruding on your lives and fix my own"

He looked toward Gabriela as he spoke and she just smiled, shaking her head. Frank looked between them, a little panicked at the looks they were exchanging. The more they talked about it the more he realised just how much he missed and how little he truly knew about what went down on Thanksgiving. He quickly changed the subject so they would both come off it. "So the courts gave you custody?"

Scott nodded. "The drug bust topped it off. They knew that Jesse couldn't live there anymore and that Elise wasn't a fit parent when she was allowing it to go down in that household. She has supervised visits twice a week. I finally got to arrest the fucking douche bag that ruined my marriage and my son's childhood and it felt so good"

"Sounds good" Frank replied, laughing a little at the last comment.

"I'll get the drinks in, shall I?" Gabriela asked, beginning to head toward Scott's kitchen.

Scott turned quickly, frowning. "No, I'll do it-"

"I'm sure I know how to work a coffee maker, Scott" She answered. "I'll leave you two to talk, anyway" Frank looked over his shoulder as Gabriela headed into the kitchen. She shut the door behind her, the sounds of Jesse and Jamie playing on whatever video game dying to a minimum. Scott turned back toward Frank, his cheeks going red. He sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"Idiot" Frank muttered, sighing along with him.

"Shut up" Scott whispered. He then headed toward the couch and sat down. Frank followed him, sitting next to him and watching how he almost fell asleep just by relaxing that little bit. After just a few seconds, he perked up once again, sitting forward and looking toward Frank. He kept his eyes on him the whole time throughout the strange process. "Thanks for coming"

"Sure" Frank answered. "What do you need?"

Scott was up again before Frank could follow him and he pulled something from a book case opposite them. It was a case file, and before Frank could bust Scott's balls on how you shouldn't bring case files home, he shoved it in his hands. Frank knew the story of this case file well. Too well. Once he'd graduated from the police academy, the first thing he'd wanted to do was get his hands on it, but as he was a conflict of interest, he was never allowed. He'd only ever looked over it, but never been able to solve it. Nobody had solved it, which lead Frank to the conclusion that it was Marco.

**CASTIGLIONE, VINCENZO**

Frank smoothed over the name with his finger, staring at the blank cover. He then looked up toward Scott and he was stood there with his arms folded, one hand on his mouth nervously. It was similar to the stance Karen took when she was nervous and Frank suddenly couldn't unseen it in him. "Why do you have this?" Frank croaked, his throat suddenly lodged with tears. His voice felt heavy and he didn't want to speak, but he needed answers.

"I asked LePaul for it" Scott said quietly. "Look inside"

Frank was hesitant to open it, knowing that exactly the same disappointment sat there, staring him in the face, whilst he still didn't have any justice from what happened. "I've looked at this a thousand times, Scott, nothing is going to be different and that's why I made my peace and put this back where it belongs in evidence"

"Not if I have something to do with it" Scott answered, sitting next to Frank on the couch. He nudged Frank's arm and smiled at him. It was a lame attempt at some encouragement, but Frank knew that he wouldn't budge if he didn't at least take a look at it. There was obviously something he wanted to tell him.

Frank looked toward him before flipping the case file over. He saw so many reports on the top of the file before reaching the paper clipped bunch. On the top was a picture of his Dad. He was smiling and Frank felt his body slip back into the hole he thought he'd never climb out of. "I don't want to look at this" He said quietly, shoving it back toward Scott. He only shoved it back toward Frank and forced him to look at it.

"Well you're gonna have to. I revisited this, Frank, I worked over the case. I went over the witnesses, the suspects, the alibis. I replayed that night in my head hundreds of times until I found a loophole that everyone missed. The loophole was this. Something just didn't add up with Jason Lerner's story" Scott answered, flicking through the file until he pulled a mug shot out.

Frank frowned as he looked at it, recognising the ugly smirk on his face as something he'd seen recently. It hit him quite abruptly when he remembered, too many things coming back to him at once and even harsher realities becoming clear. "Jason Lerner? I know that name. I know that name, Scott. I met his Sister in Oregon, she's friends with Karen"

( _"You remind me of someone I used to go to High School with. I lived in Manhattan before I lived here"_ )

Scott nodded. "Jason Lerner was a former friend of your brother's, one of the supposed leaders of the gang he was a part of. I found an eye witness who identified Jason Lerner disposing of a bag in the bottom of a nearby river just after the shooting. Nobody thought to check all of the neighbours who witnessed the death, and the people living around the area. The lake was close by, so I knocked on a few doors and asked around"

"Wait, are you serious?" Frank asked.

"We recovered the bag. It was somehow still there, I have no idea how, but it was" Scott answered. "It was a nightmare to find, LePaul almost had my ass for it but it finally turned up. Inside? Gloves and a gun. His prints were all over it and the gunshot residue they found on your father's body matched" Frank looked away from Scott and back toward the case file, flicking through and looking at the photos taken of the evidence. There was so many photos he couldn't process it quick enough, along with DNA research and samples matching up.

"Marco didn't kill your father, Frank, I am sure of it" Scott said. "Jason Lerner did"

Frank felt tears drop onto his shirt as he sat in silence, staring at the pictures. They were bringing up so many bad memories, so many days where he sat for hours staring at them wondering how it could have happened. How Marco could have done something so despicable. They replayed over and over in his head for years on end, haunting him and waking him on countless nights leaving him in cold sweats. This time was different though. They replayed, agonisingly slowly before diminishing in the front of his mind, slipping away for good. He could finally put a lid on his grief. And that lid was named Jason Lerner.

Frank placed the case file on the other side of him, the empty one before wiping his eyes and sniffing loudly. He turned toward Scott, looking him dead in the eyes as more tears surfaced. "Thank you" he said, trying to swallow them quickly, but failing massively. Scott could tell, and he smiled at Frank contentedly. "Thank you"

Frank placed a hand on Scott's shoulder before realising it was too formal. He pulled Scott in for a hug, it being the first time ever that he had properly done that. Scott gripped him tightly and the two of them sat there and cried together. It was the weirdest thing either of them had done but they knew it was _their_ thing.

Frank had never had a proper best friend. He'd defined it multiple times: someone special to you who would supposedly take a bullet for you. A shoulder to cry on, someone to cheer you up when you're sad. He never thought he'd call Scott his best friend; he didn't see it coming.

But no-one ever sees something that important coming.

\--

"You want me to come with you or wait in the car?"

Frank looked toward Gabriela from the passengers seat and shook his head. They sat outside of his building, Frank having not been there in almost two months. It felt strange that he was there with Gabriela, and not with Scott or Karen. It was almost like looking in on an old life but this time he was the only person there. That everyone who had surrounded him during the time of such suffering and hurt, had disappeared. "I'll be okay. I won't be long"

She placed a hand on his shoulder, smoothing over it before smiling. She then turned back toward the wheel, pulling the keys from the ignition and grabbing her phone from the compartment next to her in the centre of her car. "I have to pick Jamie up from Scott's in a half hour. So just call if you're gonna be longer than that so I can go and come back for you, yeah?"

"Hmm" Frank nodded, looking out the front window of the car. "Do you like him?"

She laughed, Frank turning back toward her watching her face drop. "As a friend? Yeah-"

"The looks you give each other say otherwise" Frank answered, folding his arms.

She rolled her eyes, "Frank, you're delusional"

"I'm not. I can just read you like a book" He answered.

Gabriela sighed. "I love Mike. My husband. Not Scott"

"Hmm" He repeated. "Okay. Whatever. See you soon"

"Wait" She called as he opened the door and stepped out. The door swung inwards and he grabbed it before it could shut completely. Gabriela leaned across the seat and ducked her head down so that she could see him. "Are you going to be alright getting up the stairs?"

Frank leaned down and stuck his head back in the car door. It felt normal. It didn't hurt. And it shocked him. He hadn't felt that way for so, so long. "There's railing in the stairwell. I'll live, Gabby. I've somehow survived up until now, the stairwell won't take me out"

Frank left Gabriela's car in the distance and headed toward his building. It felt weird to open the door himself as Gabriela had been doing it with her own keys for so long. He figured it would be even weirder stepping into his own apartment without Scott. He stood at the bottom of the stairs once he had opened the first door with his key. His hands shook and he almost dropped them. It was strange; he didn't know why they were shaking or why his heart was pounding.

The stairs looked like a struggle but he knew he could take it as slow as he liked. Nobody was behind him, urging him forward. The railing was sturdy, strong enough to hold him if he fell. It was eerily quiet and then it hit him that if he did fall, who would lift him up again? Once he reached the top, he was exhausted and really regretted living on the top floor. His eyes landed on the plant in the corner of the hall firstly. It was droopy and looked cold and in desperate need of a drink.

_"I hid an extra key in case I got too drunk to find my own" She said, the two of them heading up the stairs together. Their hands were linked tightly, arms swinging in unison._

_"Surely finding the hidden key would be harder than finding your own set, right?" Frank asked, laughing a little._

_"You're completely missing the point" She said, a little agitated. He laughed once again as she frowned at him, shaking his head. "Can you guess where it's hidden?"_

_They reached the top floor and she stopped at the top of the steps. He looked toward her with a patronising frown and she just nodded. He sighed, heading toward her door and feeling along the frame above it. Nothing. "There goes my first guess"_

_"You think I'm that stupid?" She asked._

_"Not stupid, cliché" He replied, heading toward the plant pot that lived in the corner. He lifted it up and saw the key underneath. Sliding it out with his foot, he bent forward and picked it up._

_"How did you know?" She asked, pouting a little but not trying to mask her laugh._

_"Like I said, cliché"_

Frank could feel his eyes stinging as he stared at the plant pot, as he caught his breath. His grip loosened on the railings and he headed forward for it. Lifting the plant pot as high as he could, he wedged his foot underneath and retrieved the key. It was dirty in his hands and he stared at it for a few seconds before heading to Karen's door and slotting it inside. He turned it slowly and quietly and the door creaked as he opened it.

The apartment was cold. That was the first thing he noticed. And that was the only sign he needed to know she hadn't been there. That she wasn't there. He felt wrong to step inside and his footsteps were loud on the floor. The door swung closed behind him quietly and he stared around the room. Everything was clean and untouched and he found himself walking around the apartment. On the counter was a small piece of paper and when he got closer he realised it was a list.

_go shopping when you get back from the airport!!!!_  
_milk_  
bread  
orange juice (not from walmart)  
butter  
macaroons  
weetos  
shampoo  
coffee (the small green packets for frank)  


Frank looked around once again, a lot quicker; she hadn't been back since Oregon. He pulled the refrigerator door open and saw the empty shelves. He turned back toward the apartment and looked before him. Each thing he looked at managed to pull up some sort of memory of them together. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he scrolled through and found her name. Frank put it to his ear as he called the number and waited as it rang out painfully slowly. He could feel tears lodging in his throats as he began pacing around the room.

_coffee (the small green packets for frank)_

_"Hey, it's Karen. I'm not here right now and probably won't listen to this but feel free to leave something anyway"_

"Where are you?" His voice came out as more of a whisper. Heavy and hard and his tears scratched against the back of his throat. He ran his hand through his hair, taking a deep breath as he became unable to speak clearly. "I'm here, where are you?"

Stopping in front of the door, he leaned against the wall. He covered his eyes as he started to cry and slid down against the wall. His knees were up to his chest as he held the phone to his ear. The dial tone sounded before he could say anything else and the message was gone. Frank sat there for who knows how long as his head lolled back and forth and his eyes switched open and closed. When he finally pushed himself up and left Karen's apartment as he found it, he placed the spare key back under the plant pot. He then headed for his own apartment.

Somehow, it was even colder.


	47. vincenzo castiglione

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: depictions of violence

The smell was something he couldn't get out of his nose. The antiseptic - it left a coldness in his nostrils and it was like sniffing petrol. Strong but also sour. He didn't know how you could smell sour. However, today the strong smell of peonies and lilies sat right under his chin. He knew they were her favourites.

Frank walked through the corridors, boots echoing on the flooring as he did. It was squeaky clean and usually his feet skidded a little. Nurses and doctors headed past him, a lot of them saying hi or recognising him and sending a small smile. He didn't know whether to feel sad that people recognised him because he'd been there for so long, but it was also quite nice to see their smiles.

"Back so soon?"

Frank turned quickly before he turned the corner into the ICU and spotted a woman in blue scrubs. He could only smile at her. Her name was Jeanie - Jeanie Franklin. She was the nurse that changed Frank's dressing everyday until he didn't need it and helped massage his scars with oil when he couldn't reach until they were reduced to basically nothing.

"I'm not here for me" he replied, shaking the flowers in his hand. She leaned forward and sniffed, shutting her eyes as she did. Frank watched her closely, wondering if she liked the smell of them been as it would determined whether or not his Mother would. "They're for my Mother. She's dying"

Franklin frowned, "I'm sorry. I didn't know"

He managed a smile in response. "She's not done yet"

\--

Frank heard a loud shriek of laughter as he approached the room and he ended up in the doorway, observing the scene in front of him. The flowers drooped at his side and he folded his arms, a smile appearing on his face. His Mother was sat up in her bed, a nurse sat in the chair beside her. The two looked pally, chatting away like old friends and Frank was glad that she wasn't wasting any time moping about. The nurse looked up when she stopped laughing, noticing him at the door. "Looks like you have a visitor"

Frank smiled as the nurse kept her eyes on him and his mother turned to look at him in the doorway. It was only then when he got a glimpse of how wasted she truly looked. She was deteriorating, and time was running out. He forced the thought to the back of his mind for the time being. He held the flowers up, walking into the room and taking the chair next to the bed. "Hey Ma"

She held her hands out for the flowers as Frank placed them on her lap in the bed. The colours contrasted majorly with the white sheet on the top of her bed. He figured she could use some colour to spruce up the dull, boring room, that's what he had when he was stuck in there 24/7. Her hands shook and it didn't go unnoticed by him. Her voice was soft and old. "Francis"

"How you doing?" He asked, taking hold of one of her hands and gripping onto it as tightly as he could without hurting her. Between the three of them, himself, Marco and Gabriela had come up with a system of who would visit when. Marco worked all week mostly in the evenings so he was able to visit in the day. Gabriela was after school hours, sometimes bringing the kids. Frank was left with whenever he could. Even though they all kept each other informed on how she was doing, he still asked her. See if he could get more information out of her.

"Not dead yet" She said in response, turning toward the nurse opposite him and laughing.

"I'll leave you two alone" She said, before getting up and leaving quickly.

"Your strikingly dry sense of humour is still intact then?" He asked.

"Of course it is. How are you my baby?" She asked, looking toward him. Frank locked eyes on her and noticed how thin she was. Her eyes were dark and tired and there was bowls underneath them where her skin sagged. Somehow she still had a smile on her face. She was starting to look like a stranger. Not like his Mother. He knew it alarmed her, so he didn't say anything.

"Good" Frank replied, sitting back in the chair in slight surprise; he didn't think they'd be talking about him today. He recalled everything that was going on and spat it all out. "Therapy is going well, I've been off my crutches now for almost 3 weeks and I'm back in my apartment. Gabby is glad to see the back of me, I can tell. Oh, and I'm 54 days clean"

She gasped a little, a smile on her face as she lifted her free hand up to his face. "54 days"

Frank nodded, "54 days. It seems like nothing compared to 13 years, but it's something, I guess. 54 long hard days of me trying to swallow my pain and deal with the fact that Karen left me" He hadn't actually said those words aloud since the accident. It was weird and it was a little bit pathetic that he hadn't cause by now, 54 whole days later, he should be able to move on.

"Where did she go?" She asked.

Frank shrugged. "I don't know" he looked toward the bed sheets before back up at her. Nobody had forced him to talk about it outright and sober and he realised it was hard. Without anything to numb it, it hurt like hell. He figured she wouldn't ask many questions as she didn't really know all the details and wasn't aware of the full problem. He wished she would not further the subject. "I wish I could tell you but I can't"

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Frank watching her as they did. She was instantly off in her own little world, staring everywhere else around the room and possibly avoiding Frank's eyes. He had a feeling she knew she'd changed in his eyes, that the image of his Mother had been tainted, and so she didn't want to get sad over it. It wasn't long before she began speaking again. "You know, baby, I had the weirdest dream the other night"

Frank frowned, focusing on her face as it grew calculated and a little confused. He felt as though their roles had reversed, given her childlike nature, and she would tell him one of her absurd dreams and he'd brush it off, pretend to care and praise her for it. The amount of times she'd done that to him when he was a child, was uncountable. "Right?"

"But I'm not sure if it was a dream or if it was real?" she said, looking toward him as if to ask him for the answers. Even if she begged him for answers, he just wouldn't know what to say to her in order to satisfy her when he didn't even know what was going on inside her head anymore. "It felt real, it really did. Like he had returned or I'd gone completely"

"Well, I don't know, Ma, what happened in the dream?" He asked, sitting up a little in the chair. She'd grabbed his attention, fully and completely, even he was ironically on edge to hear what had happened to her.

"It was him," She said, looking out in front of her, a huge smile on her face as she gasped a little with surprise. Frank followed where she seemed to be looking and saw nothing but a wall on the opposite side of the room. "He was stood there, he came to me! He did, he really did, Frank, do you believe me? That nurse lady, she's nice, but I don't think she believes that he's really there"

She then smiled, shutting her eyes as her hand reached forward as though to grab onto something. Frank watched it unfold, heart pounding, a little alarmed so he grabbed hold of her hand with his own and bought it down. "Who, Ma? Who was standing there?"

"He came back for me" she said quietly, almost a whisper. Her eyes were no longer on the wall ahead, but instead on Frank. "He knows I am coming so he came back for me like he said he would"

Frank was about to ask again who it was that she was talking about, who she was almost in tears about but he finally worked it out. His eyes wandered to where she was looking and he tried to imagine him standing there, what he would look like now, how he would talk. He'd shamefully dreamed of him a thousand times, just wanting one more chance to speak to him. Planning out exactly what he'd say. "Dad" Frank said. "You saw Dad, didn't you?"

"He is waiting for me, Frankie" She tapped lightly and repetitively on his arm. "Vinny is waiting"

"You can't just call me by one damn name, can you? You have to go through the whole fucking spectrum?" He asked, avoiding where his mother seemed to be focusing all of her attention. He didn't want to look there, because his desperation would seep out of his hiding place and Frank's mind would start playing tricks on him. Because she claimed he was there, Frank would see him too. "This is silly, Ma, he isn't there"

"But he is there" She answered.

"No," Frank said more harshly than before. He knew it hurt her, but he was harsh for his own safety at this point. His emotions were threatening to come out, thrashing around his mind viciously. "He's not, he's dead and you're alive so there is a pretty big line between you, okay?"

"But you don't understand" She said, lifting his chin to force him to look up at her once again. His eyes glazed over as she looked at him, looking right into him and tearing down every wall he had built around the memory of his Father. "He feels so close. He feels so close to me, so near and I feel so ready to hold him again"

"Not yet, please, not yet Ma" Frank pleaded pathetically, feeling his hands growing incredibly sweaty and his chest tighten as he couldn't breathe. His hand flew to his mouth as he gasped in air, tears flowing from his eyes quickly. "You have to tell me what to do first, tell me how to carry on without you, I can't do this without you, you know that, right?"

"Tell you what to do?" She asked before laughing at him. He almost felt insulted, but from her point of view, she didn't need him the way he needed her. "You don't need to be told, Frankie, baby. You already know what to do. You have to be strong"

"But how can I be strong when you're not here to remind me? Gabby, Marco, they rely on me. They rely on me to pick them up and help them stay strong around Dad's anniversary or when something bad happens but what about me? Right? I deserve that too. And you know what, Ma? I get that from you. I got that from you my whole life and I didn't even notice. So who is going to be strong for me when you're gone?"

Frank didn't realise that he was now crying as he looked up toward her, up toward his Mother who was so shrivelled and wilted. She was dying and somehow Frank was only just really registering that. Soon there would be no-one to look up to. She turned toward him after staring off ahead of her. Frank looked over there once again, wondering what it must be like to see him stood there, stood in front of her, in reachable sight. Placing a hand on his face, she turned Frank's eyes back toward hers. "You'll know, baby. You'll know"

"What the hell does that mean? How am I supposed to know?" he asked, the tears beginning to make his eyes itch. He squeezed them shut for a few seconds, wiping the fallen from his cheek as he continued to hold onto her.

She never answered the question and he could tell by the calculated look on her face she was bound to switch the subject onto something else. She'd clearly lost any sense of raw emotions as everything with her seemed so animated and false. Another thing the strokes had taken from her, another person taken from Frank's life. "Could you get me a bag of pretzels from the vender outside?"

Frank stared at her ridiculously for a few seconds before laughing as more tears squeezed from his eyes. She rubbed her thumb across his cheek to dispose of them as he placed his own hand on hers. Turning his head, he kissed her hand. She smiled at the comfort, and it eased Frank's anxiety. He wondered how often Gabriela and Marco cried when they visited because so far he'd done it every time. "You just don't fucking quit, do you?"

"Language!" she snapped, hitting the edge of his wrist. Frank laughed and she then smiled as the two of them sat up, placing her hands in her lap and keeping her eyes on him. "I just had an epiphany and realised I wanted pretzels. What have I got to do to get them, huh?"

"Alright, chill out. Will you be okay on your own whilst I go and get your pretzels?"

She nodded. "I'm not alone"

He stood from the chair without saying another word, pulling his wallet out from his pocket as he headed for the door. The nurse who was sat with her before Frank had arrived was walking past the door as he ventured out into the corridor so he grabbed her arm quickly.

"How long as she been doing that?" He asked, pointing toward the door.

The nurse frowned a little, looking inside. "You mean talking to the air?"

"Talking to Vinny" Frank said, swallowing hard. "It's my Dad. He's dead"

"Oh," she said, her voice having turned all soft and sympathetic. Frank knew it anywhere, it was all he ever got from anyone who knew about it. He also absolutely hated it, so he had to refrain from snapping at her and push his anger down, like always. "I, uh, a couple of days maybe? Maybe a week?"

He swallowed again, shutting his eyes as he tried to order the words in his head. "Is it cause she hasn't got a lot of time?"

"I hate to say it to you, son, but yeah"

∞ 

_"Will you at least look at the pamphlets, huh? What harm is looking gonna do?"_

_They stared at him on the table as he sat in front of a bowl of cold soup with a soggy piece of ciabatta in the middle of it. It was a horrible brown colour and the smell of mushrooms haunted the air. The pamphlets were ahead of him."Ma, I don't need to go to rehab so why am I gonna be looking at the pamphlets?" He said, scratching the back of his neck._

_"I think you should be safe than sorry, don't you? Rehab could be good for you, it could help you get better in ways me and your father can't" She said, approaching him with a plate in her hand and a cloth that she was drying it with. He turned back toward the soup, staring at it agonisingly, the pamphlets still in sight._

_He groaned loudly, "How many times? I don't need your help, or Dad's help, because I don't have a problem"_

_"Francis" She snapped. "Your doctor diagnosed a problem so you have one. And you have to get better"_

_"He was talking shit" He said, raising his voice loudly, "Always has been"_

_"Language! I won't have you talking that way in this household, do you hear me? It's a good job we're the only ones here" She shouted in response, gripping onto the plate in her hand tighter with each second. He stared back at his soup and felt like drowning in it. "Why do you keep fighting me when all I want to do is help you?"_

_"Because from my position it doesn't feel like help. It feels like you shaming me for something that I couldn't help, something that gave me an escape from a really overwhelming and difficult period of my life" He replied, eyes widened as his anger turned into sadness and he could feel tears hit him. Shaking his head, he looked down at the pamphlets in front of him. "I didn't mean to do it"_

_"Oh," she said quietly, putting the plate on the table in front of them before shuffling off the chair and pulling him toward her for a hug. He sighed as she wrapped her arms around him, his anger dissipating slightly. "I know you didn't, baby, I know that. Your Dad and I are just trying to do what's best for you, trying to help you get back to your normal self"_

_"You don't understand, though, do you? I'll never be my "normal self" again. I almost died, because of ice hockey. My injury almost cost me my life, Ma" He said, rubbing his forehead with his hand. "Boston was supposed to work out, I was supposed to be there now, playing hockey, but I'm not"_

_"Francis," she said quietly. "This isn't the end of the world for you. You are a smart and talented young man. You're my son," she laughed and he didn't know whether to laugh with her or roll his eyes at her. "There will be something else out there, something else for you to succeed in. Now eat, when your father gets back from walking Guido we are going to look at those rehab centres"_

_She headed back into the kitchen as he sighed loudly. "No, we're not"_

_"Stop fighting me Fra-" He noticed she had stopped talking as a dog barking came into earshot. He looked up toward the kitchen and watched his mother look out the window ahead of her. "Guido is outside?"_

_He stood from his chair quickly and followed her out the door and into their front yard. The whole street was tinted yellow by the ugly dying street lamps but Guido's barking was as loud and clear as day. His mother was bent down and looking at his collar and trying to stop him from barking so loudly._

_He looked around and headed down the pathway toward the end of the driveway to see if he could see his father. He turned back toward her when there was no sign of him and she had stood from the dog, letting him go. He instantly shot off down the road, barking madly once again._

_They exchanged looks quickly before they began to follow Guido down the road. He ran as fast as he could as his mother wasn't able to keep up. "Call your sister, find out where she is!" she called ahead, "Call your brother, too"_

_He began rooting through his phone for Gabriela's number as he followed Guido's barks throughout the neighbourhood, past way more houses than he could count. Guido turned another corner onto a side street and he knew that this was the route his father took when he walked Guido of an evening. There was a crowd of people in the middle of the road as he approached and Gabriela's number rang out quickly._

_"Hey, it's Gabby! Leave a message unless you're either of my brothers. Then I don't care. Bye"_

_He pushed his way through the crowd of people as his phone slid back into his pocket. His heart was racing, so fast he couldn't separate the beats - they were just a blur in his ears. His feet ended up in something sticky and he looked down and saw his boots were covered in a brown coloured liquid. The lighting masqueraded the fact it was indeed blood._

_Trailing his eyes along the blood, he then saw the body. It was limp and lifeless and for a second he couldn't identify it. Stepping closer, further into the blood, he saw that it was indeed his father. His blood ran eerily cold as his eyes glazed over quickly. The image of him was fading and he felt himself drop to his knees. His blood was cold on his skin and he found himself coating himself with it as he pulled his father's body closer toward him._

_Next to his body were some crumpled flowers. Chrysanthemums. Reds and yellows but the blood stained them too and took away the smell. Ambulance sirens whistled in his ears as he yelled out crying. She had appeared behind him, her horrified scream deafening his ears more than they already were._

_"Vinny!" She was crying, on the floor next to him as he cradled his father's body close to him. Her hands were on his face, blood coating her wonderfully olive skin as she pressed their faces together in an attempt to bring him back. "No, Vinny!"_

_It wasn't until afterward when he was sat in the blood staring ahead did he find the card that came with the flowers. Bloody fingerprints marked it also but he figured by now, what hadn't the blood stolen?_

_My beautiful Suri,_

_We will get through this. We will get him through this and most of all, he will get better in time._

_All my love,_

_Vinny x_


	48. past tense

"I don't understand how you can do that"

Frank was sat at a machine of some kind in the gym whilst holding dumbbells in each of his hands. The machine was a pile of weights by the side of him and a plate he had to push down on in order to lift them. Her voice was on the left of him and he looked up as he pushed down with his feet once more. It largely strained his calves and he was close to quitting because Laura had said previously that he shouldn't pressure himself too much. "Sorry?"

"You're doing the machine and dumbbells at the same time" She said, cycling slowly on an exercise bike. It was the only place where they didn't charge him to work out and get his strength up so he used it, even when Laura said he could go back to his own gym if he wanted. "Don't you get tired?"

Frank laughed. "I'm used to it. Academy training really wrecks you so this is nothing"

She nodded. "You're the cop"

He frowned. "How did you know?"

Laughing, the woman on the bike shook her head. "They talk about you a lot"

"What, cause I'm the junkie cop?" He asked, placing the dumbbells on the side next to him as he pulled his legs back to the ground and let the weight drop. He took a deep breath, letting his body relax after the strenuous work out that he wasn't even supposed to be doing - he just wanted to get back to being fit enough for work as soon as possible.

She frowned, "No, I didn't-"

He smiled. "I'm just joking"

She laughed as he stood from the chair, stretching his legs out and bending forward to stretch his back. It didn't even hurt anymore which only made him grin whenever he did it. He'd finally gotten used to not living in pain anymore, after so long of not being left to envision a life without it. Eyeing the clock, he grabbed the water from on top of his towel by his side. "Oh, right"

"What are you in for?" He asked.

"You say that like it's prison" She replied.

"Basically is when you're in here" He answered.

She sighed. "I broke my pelvis and I was on bed rest for a pretty long time. It took a while to heal so I gained a bunch of weight whilst resting and my muscles became weak because they weren't being used. Physio is just to get them back up, really, and to get me walking properly again. I'm hopefully going back to work next week"

He raised his brows. "Lucky. In the nicest way possible. I fractured my spine for the second time so I needed to basically learn how to walk again. I've done it all before but this time it was injured for a much longer period so it's been harder to recover as quickly. Plus, I had problems with drugs both times so my system has basically been rebooted"

She frowned worriedly, "Oh my gosh, that's terrible"

Frank shrugged. "Hasn't beaten me"

After a small hesitation, she laughed. It was a good laugh, some strange version of a cackle that made him laugh a little himself. It was nice to hear someone else laughing, because he'd mostly just been listening to the croaky laugh his mother came out with. "You're right. I'm not usually into all the cliché motivational slogans on hospital walls but that's a nice one"

"And it didn't come off a hospital wall" he smiled, throwing his towel over his head. The sweat was cold on his back and he couldn't quite reach all the way around his back to wipe, so he gave up. There was a silence between them and he knew that he had to speak to break the awkwardness. "I'm Frank," he said, holding his hand out. "Nice to meet you on this journey back from hell"

Laughing once again, she leaned across the exercise bike and shook Frank's hand. As she did, he got a better look at her. She was pretty, had a nice smile. Good intentions. Maybe in another life. But she wasn't Karen. And Frank would hate himself forever for thinking that every time there was a possibility at meeting someone new. "Rosa. I hope your recovery is speedy and... fulfilling"

Frank nodded, a smile spreading across his face. "Yours too"

He was almost relieved when she didn't continue the conversation. He wondered whether she wanted to. Whether she would try and pursue it in the future. He didn't know if he could handle it. When he turned away from her, Laura headed his way. She was holding a clip board and had a huge smile painted on her face as she approached. "I see you made a friend"

Looking back over his shoulder, he nodded before looking at Laura once again. She had an obvious grin on her face, and Frank frowned in suspicion. He knew she was the type to work her way into the wrong things and try and get Frank to make friends with other people in therapy. She was all about his growth during recovery and as she had mentioned many times, making friends with people who are on a similar journey to you, can help. "I feel like this was your doing?"

"No way! You did this by yourself and I'm proud of you. How are you doing?" She asked.

"What a question" He said, scratching the back of his neck. "Physically, I'm doing okay; my routines are getting easier and I feel myself getting into better shape. Mentally is a different story. Withdrawal is kicking my butt some days, but surely when I hit the 100 day mark it should be completely out of my system. Hopefully"

"How many days are you along now?" She asked, beckoning Frank toward her room and away from the gym equipment. The sounds of the machines and shouting of instructors slowly died down as the small, quiet room looked more and more inviting by the second. He was gaining a headache from all the workout as well as the noise combined in too.

"Uh, almost 70 days clean" He replied.

"Frank, that's amazing" She replied, shutting the door as he sat on the edge of the bed.

He shrugged. "Used to be more than that"

"And you'll get back there, I know you will" She answered, a reassuring smile on her face. The two of them held gaze for a few seconds before it made him so uncomfortable that he had to look away. She dropped the smile and then swivelled in her chair toward her desk. It was cluttered with papers and she grabbed some from the left side of it. "Anyway, I have your final eval papers here and I can begin the process of discharging you from physiotherapy"

"How long does that take?" He asked eagerly.

"It won't be any time soon, I'm afraid" she said, clutching the clipboard to her chest. The papers lay on her lap and he was desperate to read through them, read her comments and see what she'd said about his progress. To see whether she'd been biased or fair or neither. Whatever was in between the two. "I still have to monitor you and we have to run all sorts of tests of everyday activities to see if you have any problems. If you can't even do that, there's no way the force is an option"

Deflating slightly, he nodded. "Right"

"Between you and me," she began. "It looks promising. You're pretty strong now, Frank, and with the rest of your therapy ahead you look to be in good shape for your fitness tests and whatever else you have to undergo to get back into fieldwork. You just have to keep up the healthy food and keep away from the pills"

"Easier said than done" He replied. It was the realest thing about this whole process. Nothing about it was easy, and that's what he hated about therapists. Unless they'd done it themselves, then they had absolutely no clue of how to do the extreme things they suggested. He couldn't hate Laura; she was positive, but real. She said it how it was and it settled Frank just as much as it unnerved him. No sugarcoating shit, even when that's what he wanted - what he needed - sometimes.  
She nodded, Frank easily predicting what was going to come out of her mouth when she spoke. He wondered if he'd ever meet someone in the same position as him, to compare notes and near-death-experiences with, but he figured without looking in the mirror, the chances were slim. Laura would never understand the severity of staying sober. 

"I know. But you've done it once before, you can easily do it again"

"And how long til I slip back into it?" He said quietly, managing to pull his eyes from the floor and look at her. He could tell she wasn't expecting what he had said. That it was the last thing she figured would come out of his mouth after her supposed boost of optimism. But the thing she didn't know; the second time round the optimism begins lacking severely. "Cause that's the thing: if it happens again, I am completely screwed"

"It won't" she answered firmly. He didn't think she'd recover from the wobble, but he then remembered that she does this everyday, for a living. Dealing with disbelieving patients with no optimism in getting better; she has to have enough for all of them. "You have to believe in yourself, believe that you can stay clean and steer clear from trouble"

Shrugging, he sighed. She'd pumped enough of her growth mindset into his veins that he grew tired. The workout was also catching up with him, and with what was ahead of him, he needed as much energy as he could muster up. "Whatever. Can we finish up? I'm supposed to be visiting my Ma in 10 and I have to walk all through the place to the ICU"

Laura nodded, a small smile on her face. "Of course"

Frank signed off on some forms and did the usual surveys on how well he thought he was doing each week. He figured she must have at least fifty of them by now, and he felt he had a pattern in his answers every week. The boxes were in the same places so he didn't even bother reading the questions anymore. The same old, _how are you feeling? How do you feel your therapy is going? Would you recommend our facilities to anyone else?_ Laura dismissed him and he headed toward where he kept his stuff every week. On top of his jumper was his phone and he picked it up.

 **3 Missed Calls From: Gabby**.

He frowned at the sight and began to call her back just as the screen lit up again and her face appeared. Frank was hesitant to answer it, wondering if it was going to be the call he'd been dreading throughout the whole past week. He'd finally managed to change the picture on the lock screen from him and Karen at Toby's wedding to one of the ugly neutral backgrounds that were already planted on the phone when you first got it from the store.

Sliding the screen across, he pulled the phone up to his ear. "Gabby?"

He knew instantly when she spoke. "Frank" She said, voice heavy and hard and full of tears. He felt himself sinking to the ground in the middle of the gym, lowering his head toward his knees. It took a few seconds before people approached him, asking what was wrong and whether he needed help. Laura appeared at his side once again.

"Oh God" he whispered, more to himself than to her.

"She's gone, Frank" Gabriela said, "Ma is gone"

\--

He twisted the ring he had been wearing for the past 18 years, over and over on his wedding finger. Ever since he'd stolen it out of the evidence bag of his father's things, it had sat on the same finger since. Her bed was cleared and he stared at how neatly the sheets were now she was not lay beneath them. The only thing on top of the duvet was her belongings: glasses, a book Marco had bought her and a photograph that Frank had now stolen from her.

It was of her and his father and it only made him realise that after all these years apart, they were finally together again. He found himself looking up toward the panels on the ceiling of the room as though to see if he could see them. His eyes fluttered back to the photograph. Frank had never met his grandparents because his mother told him the wild story of how she and his father eloped - all the way to America. It had been so long that he'd forgotten their names but he made a mental note to try and find them if any of them were still living.

He didn't hear Gabriela approach but when she did, her hand was on his shoulder causing him to flinch and place the photograph back on the edge of the bed. She was on her own when he arrived, and he didn't enter the room for a few minutes to leave her in her peace. When he finally did disturb her, she'd left him and done the same. The silence and the basking in the fact she had passed, was something they needed to take in on their own. He turned over his shoulder to look at her. "Did you call Marco?"

Nodding, she sniffed. "Yeah"

"And Johnny?" Frank asked. "Is he on his way?"

She nodded once again. He could tell that she was trying to keep her tears at bay, but she was never any good at it. He almost wanted to tell her; it's okay to cry. It's okay to express how you feel. Mostly because he was feeling exactly the same and didn't want to look dumb on his own. "He says he has her will and her funeral wishes and that he'd talk to all three of us before arranging anything. They must have done it a few months back before she started deteriorating and didn't tell us"

Frank frowned. "Why would she leave them to him and not us?"

"Because," She began, almost accusatory. Frank's frown only increased. "He was around a lot more than we were. He loved her, Frank, a lot and they were really close in comparison to how close we were to her. It sounds crazy, but it's true. I mean, they were living together and Marco didn't even know that up until recently. He will know what she likes and what she wants. Not us"

He turned back toward the bed and continued staring, as the information sank in. He always assumed he was closest to her, knew everything about her. That they had a special bond of picking each other up when they needed it. But what Frank didn't realise was when he distanced himself from Marco all those years ago, he distanced himself from her, too. He picked the photograph up once more, holding it toward Gabriela. "Did you see this?"

He could sense her smile but she never said anything to begin with. The hand that was placed on his shoulder moved, quickly as she leaned closer toward him to look at the photograph. It was taken in Italy, right before they eloped in New York. Frank tried to imagine the life they could have lived over there, rather than in Manhattan. He couldn't. "Yeah. She asked me to bring that from the house the other week. I had to take it out of the frame. It felt wrong"

"This feels wrong" He said, turning toward her in the chair. Her hands dropped to her side as he moved, the way she was leaning over him disappearing and resuming her upright stance. "Already, it just doesn't feel right that she's gone. It was merely a week ago when she was upright and laughing, and happy"

"You said that exact thing when Dad died" She replied.

"When Dad was murdered" he snapped in response. "Murdered, Gabby, remember that"

Tears filled in her eyes as he looked at her and she shook her head, letting them roll onto her shirt. It did nothing more than hurt him to see her in such pain, but she needed to know. She had to understand because all these years after, even knowing now who did it, she still won't address it how it is. "Please don't do this now, Frank"

His father's death wasn't the only painful death in his life anymore; his mother was gone and now they'd talk about her in past tense. Just like they did for years on end with his father. They were both past tense. He could feel a lump growing in his throat and he swallowed hard before speaking once more. "They're both gone. The two people that I shamefully through would live forever"

"Don't beat yourself up about that. I definitely thought that, too" Gabriela said, sniffing as more tears sprung to her eyes. It only triggered Frank to cry so he looked away from her, squeezing them back inside. "With Ma around, I thought nothing could go wrong. That she could fix everything like magic. Who is supposed to do that now?"

Frank was unable to reply before they were interrupted by a knock at the door. The two of them turned to find Johnny at the door, holding a white cardigan that Frank recognised as his mother's. He wondered why he was holding it, where he'd gotten it from, and why he felt the urge to take it back from him. "I came as soon as I could"

"Johnny," Gabriela headed toward him instantly, the two of them entangled in a hug. Frank watched, envied, as Johnny comforted her as best as he could. He figured she saw him as a substitute father-figure, and as much as Frank hated that, he had to accept it for her sake. As they parted ways, he looked toward Frank hopefully.

"Frank," he said, edging toward him a little, Frank stepping to him quickly. Their relationship was an odd one; never really been alone long enough to know much about each other, merely civil just for the sake of his mother. But now she's gone, what was there to be civil for? Johnny knew that Frank had issues with him, issues of him trying to act fatherly, dishonouring his own father's legacy. They'd established that Johnny would never try and act as a father to Frank and he'd somehow accepted that, but Gabriela and Marco thought differently. Frank couldn't approach any of these subjects now, the inappropriateness of them as well as Gabriela certainly having something to say regarding. "Hi"

Frank said the first thing that sprung to mind. It was the only thing to break the ice that had somehow formed, and something that the two of them wouldn't cry over. He didn't think he could handle that. The two shook hands for multiple seconds, the formality so unfamiliar to him. "Thanks for pitching my buddy Scott up with a house, it's a real nice place and it helped him a lot"

"Ah, there's no need to thank me. Business. That's all it is" Johnny replied, his voice wavering as he spoke. The tears were lodged in his throat, but they could both tell he was braving it in front of them. "Listen, I just had to get these to you before the doctors did anything, but I have to go and move my car otherwise I'll be fined. I'll be back as soon as I can"

"Why do you have that?" Frank asked, as he handed Gabriela the envelope with the papers inside. Her will. She began opening them as Frank's voice stopped her. Johnny looked down to his hands where the cardigan lay, a little confused as to why Frank was bringing it up. "Her cardigan. Why did you bring it? She's dead. She can't wear it now"

Gabriela elbowed him sharply, "Frank"

"No, it's okay" Johnny answered, laughing slightly. "I was packing a new bag of clothes for her. I was going to bring it later today. When you called, it was the first thing in my hand so I just stopped what I was doing and drove here. I never put it down. I couldn't. So I just bought it with me, I guess. Would you like it? I don't mind"

Frank was a little shell-shocked by the story and he felt tears rise up inside him too quickly that he couldn't stop them. He shook his head toward Johnny, shutting his eyes briefly and holding his hands out. "No" he said simply. "No. Keep it. I didn't mean to impose, I'm sorry"

He headed back toward the bed to sit down and nothing else was said, Gabriela signalling for Johnny to leave and save himself from a fine. She sat next to him, gripping onto his hand tightly as he cried. He found himself looking at the photograph once again, smoothing over the back of it before turning over and looking at the white surface.

In blotchy blue ink, there was a message. "Non posso vivere senza di te" he read aloud, swallowing his tears before clearing his throat. "That's what it says on the back of the photo" Looking up toward her, he watched her smile before placing a hand on his shoulder once again. He placed his free hand on top and their fingers intertwined.

Finally, she said, "I can't live without you"


	49. marco, gabby & frank

**IN MEMORIAM - SURI CASTIGLIONE**

Frank had never seen so many flowers in his life. The colours were so vibrant, even the pastel ones, against the dark and dreary coffin. Even the grass looked dull and damp. He hated the tux he was wearing. It reminded him of Karen and the way they had danced at Toby's wedding and how that was pretty much the last happy memory of the two of them together.

So much of his family had crawled in from all over the place for the funeral and so many people who he didn't know his mother was even friends with had turned up. Johnny acted as the head of the funeral as he knew the most people there. Frank was ashamed that he didn't. He stood next to Mike as the two of them stared down on the flower arrangements and other flower pieces that people had put down. Frank tried to read as many of them as he could but his eyes were going dodgy. "You good?"

Mike's voice was soft next to Frank but he still flinched anyway at the disturbance from the silence. Something at the back of his mind was itchy - something urging him to take something, anything, to pull him out of the pain for just a little while. However, this type of pain was unmask-able. "Fine" He responded, looking over his shoulder before looking toward Mike. "Where's Gabby?"

"Last time I saw her she was with Marco and Layla" Mike replied, "Why?"

"Is it fair that we didn't let Jamie come?" He asked, completely switching the topic.

"He wouldn't have really known what was going on" Mike said, after a brief pause. Frank could sense him picturing Jamie's face when they dropped him at Scott's, the sadness in his eyes as he departed from the three of them. "It was better that he didn't see all of this, it's still a shock to his system that she won't be here anymore, there was no need to rub it in further so soon"

Frank never replied, only continued looking down at the flowers as he vaguely heard Layla approach Mike and ask him to take her to the toilet because Gabriela was busy. He crouched next to the flowers, beginning to read some of the cards that he hadn't yet had chance to read as they were pretty tucked away. Most of these people were unknown to Frank, the only flowers that he noticed were the peonies from Scott and Jesse. Frank made a mental note to buy him a gift for taking care of Jamie whilst they were at the church.

A neatly bundled bunch of red daffodils caught his eye. The card was hidden pretty well underneath and he pulled it out and unfolded it.

" _Common meaning of Red Daffodils: symbolising rebirth and new beginnings. Also known as the Lent Lily._ "

He frowned before reading the message below the small textual information.

" _Marco, Gabby & Frank,_

 _Suri was truly a pleasure to know, and her presence lit up a room completely. Even in the darkest of times, the loneliest of places. I am so sorry for your loss and sending many condolences to you all._ "

Frank frowned instantly, every single card he had read previously addressing him only as Francis. No-one knew of Frank, only himself, Gabriela, Marco and Mike. There was only one other possibility. He cursed at himself for thinking it. He already hated himself enough that the thoughts still lingered in his mind after so long. After so many nights of trying to force himself to forget.

"Frank?"

Dropping the card immediately, he stood from his crouched position, the bottom of his back hurting for just a few moments, knees clicking as he stood. He turned quickly, the grass slipping beneath his feet. The shock was enough to knock him to the ground, although there was a tiny piece of him that knew. Amidst all the other emotions, love fought its way back to the top spot, just for a second.

Karen.

\--

He found a quiet place in the Church, in one of the back rooms where the two of them headed together. He shut the door slowly behind him, feeling himself closing inward. His anxiety grew. Frank noticed she was wearing a wonderful black dress. Her hair was a shorter length than before and her body language was so much different. She was pacing around the room.

"Thank you," She began, "For agreeing to hear me out"

Frank shrugged, "Only seems fair I guess"

Karen hesitated for a few seconds before coming to a stand still in the room. She felt so far away from him. He didn't want to go anywhere near her despite so many months of longing for the only thing to be was right by her side. It was strange how emotions betrayed you in situations you imagined so many times becoming reality. "How are you doing? You look well"

He scoffed angrily, "Don't do that. Don't say that, you have no right to say that when you left me. You left me when I was at my worst, in the worst time of my life and the scariest hospitalising incident I have ever had. I overdosed on drugs, Karen, laying on the flooring of your house slipping away, I thought I was going to die and you couldn't even be bothered to check whether I was alive"

She was taken aback at the outburst and Frank felt wrong to raise his voice inside the Church. He wasn't even remotely religious but in such a place of sanctity and purity, even anger felt unknown. Wrong. He knew Karen had been bought up in a religious family, even though she never carried it into her adult life. So many little things that he remembered about her, the smaller things that hurt the most, swam to the surface when they were face to face again. He hated that she had such power over him. "It is not going to cover anything, but I'm sorry, Frank. I really am"

"Sorry for what?" He asked, "For leaving me to rot in hospital for the second time after I overdose on drugs, or for turning up at my own mother's funeral when I haven't seen you for almost three months?" He could see her eyes were glazing over as she looked at him, arms locked tightly across her chest as he filled with anger looking across at her. It was nothing like he'd ever experienced before: it was a calm type of anger.

"You lied to me, Frank. For who knows how long, of course I was going to be mad," She snapped in response, voice wobbling giving away the fact she was on the verge of tears. Taking a few seconds to compose herself, she only agonised Frank even more. "Of course I was going to take time away from you, time to try and find it somewhere in my heart to understand why you did it and that maybe it wasn't your intention to hurt me"

"Of course it wasn't my intention to hurt you" He answered, "That was never my intention with anything I did"

"Then why couldn't you just tell me the truth?" She asked.

"Because" he said, "You never called me! And it hurt so bad for years on end there were days I thought I would never recover from it"

That same phrase seemed to haunt him once again. It was the first thing he's said to her when he was out of his mind, spinning away in the toxins that sat inside him. He could feel tears lodging themselves in his throat and before he knew it, every single one appeared. It reminded him of all the times he'd cried in withdrawal. In therapy. The first day in the gym when he couldn't lift his legs in the air. When she was not by his side when he lay in hospital. How she wasn't in her apartment when he went back to his own. Everything hurt all at once and it was a harsh crash compared to the clarity he'd been living in for the past two months.

Karen had walked toward him quickly and he found her arms around him tightly. Frank didn't hug her back, only stood there and cried loudly as she pulled him closer and closer and gripped him tighter and tighter. His first instinct was to push her away, continue the hostility that he'd felt waking up alone everyday for longer than it actually was, but her body around his once again just filled the hole that had been sitting inside him. He finally felt wanted again. Loved again. Something no-one else could give him.

"And I couldn't blow my chances again" His words had fallen to a whisper as she held onto him, her heart beating wildly against his chest. His arms were still in an awkward position so he couldn't hug her back. Taking a deep breath in, he continued. "And I knew that if I told you the truth, you would run, exactly like you did before"

"I couldn't run if I didn't know, Frank" She replied in turn. He suddenly wanted to grip onto her as she pulled away from him slowly. Her hands stayed on his arms and they smoothed along as she stepped backward, arms dropping to her sides. He didn't want her to step away when she did, the hunger for affection suddenly flaring up inside him. He hadn't felt it in so damn long.

Frank found himself frowning. "What?"

"I asked Toby about it. I made him tell me everything. Everything he kept from me" Karen said, folding her arms once again. Her stance was more timid, though, and her anger had dissipated. "When you had your accident in Senior Year, we had already parted ways. You know that, you know I'd already gone to Princeton and we'd...separated. We decided that we weren't gonna call each other so that we could move on"

"So you rejected my calls when I tried to tell you" He answered, rubbing his nose and sniffing.

"Yes" She replied. "Because I knew it would be for the best, for both of us"

"But, I found Toby, I called him and he said he would tell you and you'd call me, why didn't you call me back after you knew?"

"Because I didn't!" She snapped, her whole body deflating. "Toby never told me"

Frank's frown softened, eyes widening a little. "What?"

"He never told me anything. Acted like nothing was even wrong. Didn't mention any phone calls of any kind from any of your family" As she was speaking, Frank was becoming more and more dizzy with all the information she was revealing to him. All the things he had thought she knew throughout all these years, but didn't. Because of Toby. "I had no idea that you were even still living in Manhattan, Frank. I thought you'd gone to Boston like you planned"

A wave of silence washed over the two of them as they both looked at one another. He felt his eyes glazing over and his vision shifted to the left of her a little. He shook his head. "Boston was a no go. It took me almost 6 months to recover. Scholarship was thrown out the window by that time. Then I had an addiction problem with my pain meds. I didn't want to stop taking them. They just made everything better, you know? Because they took the physical pain away but also the mental one. But I wouldn't get help and I wouldn't go to rehab and," he swallowed, more tears clogging his throat. "And the night that my Dad... that my Dad was murdered, I had this dumb argument with my Ma about rehab and how I wouldn't go. And, I just, I'd give anything for one more stupid argument, one more moment with her"

Karen was silent as Frank composed himself once again. He turned himself away from her and wiped his tears from his face. Everything was a mess and he realised that since his mother had died, he had barely cried at all. It had all bundled up inside him and this was the time his body decides to flush it out. The worst time.

Karen spoke up again, a little sheepishly. "Did, uh, did Scott give you the file?"

Frank turned to Karen once again, quicker this time. "You talked to Scott?"

"No" She answered quickly.

"Then how do you know about the file?" He asked, eyes narrowing.

"It was my idea" she replied, folding her arms. Frank frowned as it took her a few seconds to recollect her thoughts before she began explaining. "I told him to look into it, months ago, after I saw how sad it made you, how it was tearing your relationship with Marco apart"

Frank scratched the back of his neck as the confusion sunk deeper into his body. "Why? That damage is already done, irreversible, in fact and trust me, I found out the hard way, but we've found a way to bury it between us. No, Marco didn't kill my father, I know that now. But it was way too late to find out" He shook his head, trying to fathom everything out. He asked again, "Why did you do that?"

"Because I love you" She answered softly.

He scoffed just as soft. "Are you sure about that?"

"Just because we were separated for a little while doesn't mean I stopped loving you, Frank. No way. You never said anything in High School so I didn't either but I loved you, back then. I did. I didn't want to weird you out of liking me as much as you did because I still couldn't believe that you wanted me, and wanted to be around me, so I kept quiet. I loved you, and I loved you again now and I'd love you in any other version of our lives. I would run seventeen blocks to catch you in my highest shoes, I would walk dogs with you in the freezing cold snow when I could be home, in the warm. I would send you twenty four calls and leave just as many messages to get you to talk to me. Because I love you. And no matter your health or your problems, I would never run from you. I don't know why you kept all this secret, I will always help you and support you and deep down you know that's true"

Frank didn't really know what to say in response. He felt himself glued to the spot, staring at her and drinking her in over and over to make up for all the lost time - the times he woke up alone, walked the stairs of his building alone, did not kiss her goodnight. When he did manage to move, he found himself walking toward her, pulling her closely and kissing her. They fit together so perfectly once more, just as though things had left off where they paused. She felt just like the home he had longed to live in but didn't have an authorised key - only the one under the plant pot. Nothing was strange about the moment, everything went right and their kiss seemed just the same as any other. The two months before him slipped away quicker than ever as her arms wrapped around him. They moved together, Frank unable to pull her any closer than she already was.

But somehow it wasn't close enough.


	50. frankie

**[Roughly] Eleven Months Later**

"Well your labs seem to check out. And your fitness tests are all pretty good"

Frank watched as Dr. Rafferty looked through the file of however many different sheets he'd collected over the last year from countless therapy and physio sessions. He was finally discharged from the last one a month prior to his meeting with Rafferty but business had clearly spiked up once again for him and it took Frank forever to get in.

Frank shuffled forward on his chair, hands clasped as they hung between his legs. He was anxious, he had to admit, but not as much as he used to be. With the help of a sponsor, he'd gotten anxiety pills that had been monitored well. "I just need your sign off to go back to work. I'll still be a Sergeant, just more tied to a desk. Still some involvement but less than last time. Definitely no more fights with anyone, that's for sure"

"Good," Rafferty said, straightening the papers on the desk. "We don't want something like this happening again, do we? Quite frankly, I'm sick of seeing your face" Frank laughed as did Rafferty before he looked down at the papers and pulled a pen out from the holder on his desk. He watched eagerly as Rafferty signed on multiple dotted lines before bunching the papers up and aligning them all against each other and handing them over to Frank.

"You strive for so much, Frank, fight so hard for this. I haven't seen anyone with your diligence and perseverance to help serve the community like you do in a long while. It would be an absolute pleasure to send you back to work" Rafferty said, holding his hand out toward Frank for him to shake. His kind words didn't go unnoticed by Frank as his cheeks flushed scarlet, eyes diverting to the ground out of embarrassment.

Shoving the papers in his pocket, he shook his hand firmly. "Thank you"

"As much as I don't want to see you here for a while, I can't wait to meet this little one"

Frank's eyes shifted toward Karen sat in the chair next to him silently watching the exchange. Her face lit up as Rafferty motioned toward her humongous bump. Her hands instinctively smoothed over it, Frank looking at how the scarf she was wearing sat on top in an odd little pile. She had lost the so called "pregnant glow" as by now, she was just tired of it. However she still beamed whenever someone mentioned it. "We'll be sure to visit" Karen said, beating Frank to it.

"Boy or a girl?" Rafferty asked.

"We don't know. We wanted it to be a surprise" Frank replied, taking Karen's hand as she pushed herself out of the chair next to him. He turned his focus toward her and helped her until she was upright and steady before looking back at Rafferty, who had instinctively stood from his own chair to help, even though he couldn't reach whatsoever. "Should be any day now. Due date was last week"

"Whoa" Rafferty said, "Rather it be you than me, son"

Frank laughed, Karen joining in as they both looked across at Rafferty. Their hands linked at their sides, Karen squeezing onto his tightly. Frank secured the papers in his back pocket, his ticket back to Sergeant. After over a whole year off, he was more than ready to get back and see if what Scott had been telling him were true. "We better be off, then. Thank you, I'll drop these at the precinct and hopefully I can start again on Monday"

Rafferty nodded, the same tight but contented smile plastered on his face. "Best of luck in the new year, Frank," he said, before looking toward Karen, "And take it easy. Make sure Frank does everything possible to pamper you"

Karen laughed at him before they began to exit the room, turning over their shoulders to wave toward him. Shutting the door behind him, Frank noticed Karen had already made her way to the door. The waiting room was full, overflowing, in fact, and he didn't know how she'd gotten through the small children running everywhere. "Careful," he said, holding it open for her as he approached her.

"I'm pregnant, not immobile, Frank" She replied, heading through the door and out toward the parking lot. He let the door fall shut behind him before he caught up to her and grabbed her hand. She held the keys to their car in the other. The key-rings had gathered up overtime and so as they swung with her hand, they jangled loudly. People headed past them as they left Rafferty's practise, small children ogling at her bump, and Frank could only watch them momentarily.

"You're overdue, that puts you at an even higher risk" He answered, looking toward her bump wobbling as they walked. His eyes flickered up toward her face and she grimaced in discomfort. He couldn't even begin to imagine how she was feeling, after carrying the growing weight for nine whole months. The one thing that every pregnancy book, documentary, and movies left out was that women are strong as hell.

"Alright," she moaned, clearly irritated by Frank's overprotectiveness. "Just cause you skim read about two pregnancy books and watch several movies with me, does not make you an expert. I can hold a door open for myself once in a while"

"Oh and it does for you?" He responded.

She scoffed, laughing. "I am a woman"

Frank instantly pushed the subject away as the joking tones seeped through. Karen smiled into the trees as she looked ahead. He kept his eyes on her as they walked, noticing how tired she looked, even with the smile spread across her face. He knew she hadn't been sleeping recently due to the size of her bump and how uncomfortable it was. He'd been awake most nights, too. "Can you feel them?"

"Why do you always ask that?"

"Because I like to know that they're there" He replied, swinging their hands between the two of them. He held the papers tightly in his other, anxious of losing them as they held the ticket to him returning to work. Something he never thought he'd do. "Just right there in front of us, coming along with us on every journey before he or she is introduced to their own"

Karen smiled as they stopped at the car. She turned toward him, wrapping her arms around his torso and pulling him as close as she could. He laughed as her bump blocked him from hugging her entirely so he placed his hands on her stomach. "I can feel them. They're excited to meet you"

\--

"Do you ever take a day off?"

He entered the room without knocking and watched Commissioner LePaul drop what she was doing and look toward him. It was papers spread across her desk, something from a new case file that Frank had clearly been missing. As he'd made his way up, he'd seen that Sergeant Melissa Jordan had made herself cosy in his office during his absence. "Christmas. My mother's birthday because that requires flying to a different state to visit her in her care home. That's about it"

He frowned. "Not even today? New Years?"

She shook her head. "Crime doesn't stop to celebrate the New Year just because you do, Frank. What can I do for you?"

He sat in the chair opposite her and placed the papers on her desk. She eyed them as they flew across the desk toward her, landing on all the other piles of papers that engulfed LePaul's desk. Frank's used to look exactly the same but the relief Sergeant probably cleaned them up for him and solved all his open cases. "All signed. Ready whenever you want me. And please don't tell me you've changed your mind"

Her brows raised and Frank smiled a little at the shock. Surprising LePaul in the past had never been his strong suit as it was always something bad. Surprising her with his return was the one thing that felt good as he sat across from her. "Really? That's great news, Frank. I know you're eager to get back, as just as much as I can tell Sardarov wants you back, I think it's best we wait until your baby is born. You'll have paternity leave as normal and then I'll see you back here like clockwork. Use the time up until the birth as sort of...extra paternity leave but don't tell anyone"

He smiled deeply. "Thank you"

She completed disregarded whatever she was doing and looked at him for quite a few seconds before she spoke. "Something tells me that's not everything you came for?"

Frank nodded but never looked at her. "I know it's not in my power to do so but I want to make Scott a detective. He deserves it and this year with me being gone, he's really stepped up his game. The amount of times I've been visiting him in hospital cause of something dumb he did, but it conveniently led him to catching the right dude, is beyond me. At least think about it, for me. As a sort of welcome back gift, if you ever would go that far"

LePaul frowned, leaning back in her chair and folding her arms. It was more of a relaxed stance, something Frank wasn't really used to. He'd been in every month on the same date to talk with her, for her to see how she was doing and over the time they'd gotten more comfortable with one another. But the relaxation was still new to him. "He'd need to take the exam for that to even be debatable"

"Oh, he has. Many times" Frank answered, leaning his elbows on the desk in front of him. "I managed to keep one that he'd done after he threw it in the trash in my apartment and he's practised to perfection. The one I have he got about an 88, 89? I don't remember. But it was high. And he's bragged to me hundreds of times about getting perfect scores but every time I tell him to sit the exam, he chickens out"

"Really?" She asked.

"Really" Frank smiled. "I think it would be good for him. He's spent so long thinking that he's not good enough and he's not a good cop in general because he's so different to most of the squad on averages and weights and other stuff. You know what I mean? And I know the exam is coming up and if you can get him on the list I can get him to enter-"

"I'll see what I can do, Frank" She said, silencing him. "It's not a promise, but I'll try my best. Don't mention anything to him, whatever you do. I want to really put him to the test if you say he's practised so much. Leave it with me"

Frank just nodded. "Of course, yeah. Thank you"

LePaul smiled. "You're a good friend to him, Frank. Especially after all the shit he went through last year. It was going really terrible for him and as bad as I felt, I had to consider relieving him if it continued. But, if it wasn't for you, he'd have collapsed this year, maybe even done some damage he couldn't undo. But he didn't. And that's down to you. You saved him from his sorrow, in a corny way"

All Frank could do was smile. "He saved me first, how could I not return the favour?" Karen's words rang true in the front of his mind, almost as corny as what LePaul had just said to him; he knew she'd appreciate it. "It's not fair when you save yourself from a hurricane but leave someone else stranded"

\--

As he entered the apartment, now on the bottom floor in a different building that was sturdier and bigger, Karen muted the TV. Having sold both their apartments in _Hartley_ , they'd moved across town to a different, more stable apartment nearer to hospital. They had been looking for a house, and Johnny was in the middle of signing the leases for one they'd picked just around the corner from Gabriela and Mike. When he'd told them, they weren't exactly over the moon.

"Hey, you good?" Frank asked, heading toward the kitchen and pulling the refrigerator door open before grabbing some orange juice. He saw that the carton was almost empty and made a mental note to buy more. It joined the list of things that was growing increasingly longer the further Karen moved from her due date. His stress had just left him abandoning basic living and hibernating with her almost every day passed the date in case something happened.

"I thought of something" Karen said, causing Frank to turn and look at her sprawled across the couch. The bag they'd prepared sat next to the couch and he eyed it before looking toward her, brows raised. She was eating a badly prepared sandwich, supposedly tomato and lettuce, but it was all falling out of the bread as the plate kept sliding from the bump. "And I want your opinion on it, and if you don't like it you have to say. No sugarcoating"

He kicked the door shut with his foot and headed toward the couch, sitting next to her. "Go on?"

After a small hesitation, a smile appeared on her face accompanied by a sigh. "Frankie"

Frank frowned at her, placing the cap back on top of the juice bottle. "What?"

"For a name" She persisted, taking hold of his free hand and placing it on top of her stomach. He looked down briefly, smoothing around the bump before back up at her. Right in front of him, was a little child, his child, their child, but he just couldn't see them yet. It was amazing, a miracle, the gift of the birth of his child was too rewarding for him, yet at that very moment, it was all he wanted.

"Seriously?" He asked.

She nodded. "It just hit me, all of a sudden. I mean, it's a special name in some aspects, if you think of it like that. It has special meaning to our circumstances. It's a gender neutral name so if it's a boy or a girl it would work," she trailed off a little, shy, her head falling to the ground. "What do you think? Tell me if you hate it, please"

"What do I think?" he paused, the two of them looking at one another, hands still entangled on her belly. All he could focus on was the smile on her face as she explained her reasoning. That pure, ever so rich happiness was all he needed to sway him. Frank had his reasons for disliking his name, but he'd put up with it forever if it made Karen happy. "I think it's perfect"

\--

As soon as they entered Scott's house, the vibrant and wild energy was palpable; his house had become quite the party venue over the year as he'd been embracing his newfound independence and upping his confidence. There had never been as many people in the past as there were at this event and Frank was suddenly worried for Karen and whether it would be too much for her.

Frank could see some of his squad mates, the Sergeant filling in for him Melissa Jordan, but he couldn't see Scott. As for Karen, she didn't know anyone other than himself and Frank. Emerging from the crowd, Scott entered with his arms open and mouth agape. "You came! I thought you'd chicken out, to be honest"

Hugging Karen as best he could, he grinned at her as she spoke. "Frank was leering more toward staying home but I was adamant to get here. I needed this, I love your parties. Always lethal drinking. This pregnancy thing has gone to his brain more than it has to mine, trust me. I just wish this baby would come already so he'd stop worrying"

"I am the baby's father and your boyfriend, it's my job to be worried" Frank responded, snapping a little. Karen just laughed at him, tightening her grip on his hand.

"You're such a big sap, Frank. Speaking of, when are you gonna put a ring on it, Frankie boy? It's been long enough" Scott answered.

"I have been asking the same question" Karen responded jokingly, both pairs of eyes suddenly on him, the accusatory tones seeping through. He knew she was joking mostly, but he wondered if she had analysed it and thought less of him for not asking yet. He was just being practical, they'd talked about it. Waiting until the baby is born, til things are stable.

He ignored their remarks, looking more toward Scott. "That's the name"

""Karen will you marry me?" is the name of your baby? Astounding, that's a new one on me" Scott answered, stifling a laugh as Karen began laughing with him. It only made Frank more embarrassed than he already was, cheeks flooding red. Scratching his beard, he sighed as they both laughed together, grins on their faces.

"Frankie" He said firmly, "That's the name as of today"

Scott's smile only died for a short second before he beamed again, "Whoa" He replied, looking between them both as the news sunk in. "You guys...I can't wait for you to join me in parenting hell! It's gonna be...just so amazing. I finally won't look dumb as a single dad because I'll have you guys with me"

"There are plenty of single dads, Scott" Frank answered, Karen nodding along with him, a smile on her face. "Nothing to be ashamed of. Jesse thinks the world of you doing everything on your own, trust me"

He could tell that Scott was grateful for his kind words, even though Frank had told him the same thing every time Scott had bought it up. He just needed a gentle reminder sometimes, and Frank was there to do so. He ignored what he'd said this time, speaking up about a different subject altogether which took Frank aback a little. "Not to jump to conclusions, but I met someone last week" He said, drinking from the glass in his hand.

Karen's eyes widened. "Details, now"

Scott smiled nervously and Frank kept his eyes on him closely. "Her name is Georgina. She has a son in Jesse's class and a daughter in the grade or two below so I see her when I go to collect him from school. We had coffee on Thursday after I'd dropped Jesse into school. We were there for hours, LePaul almost had my ass when I was late" He explained, directing the latter to Frank rather than Karen.

Cracking a small smile, he asked "What's she like?"

Scott nodded, the smile evident on his face. It made Frank's insides clench together, seeing Scott so content with something that used to make him so nervous, was satisfying. He could tell Karen felt similarly, he felt her squeeze his hand at Scott's brief pause. "She's great. She really is. I think something could come of it"

"Aw, Scott" Karen said, placing a hand on his arm and squeezing. She laughed a little, before unlinking her hand from Frank's, sliding it through his arm instead. "You're blushing. I'm so happy that you finally found someone you really like, you really do deserve it"

"Oh back off," he said, frowning deeply. Frank knew how much he hated embarrassment and how he had the tendency to lash out harshly because of it, when that was his last intention. Luckily, he knew how to save himself from it. His frown lightened and he cleared his throat. "Drinks? Beer and an orange juice?"

"Just one beer for me tonight, Scott, okay?" Frank shouted, looking at Scott as he weaved through the crowd of his home and toward the kitchen. "Scott! You better be listening to me I am your boss!"

"You were his boss. You haven't been his boss in over a year, Frank" Karen replied, laughing a little as he sighed, agitated. "Don't worry, you can let loose a bit, don't just have one drink. It's New Years, it's supposed to be a joyous night and you're supposed to have fun. Don't hold back just for me, okay?" She replied, smoothing his jacket down on his chest as he looked down toward her.

"Are you kidding? Of course I'm gonna hold back for you, what if you go into labour tonight? In half an hour? What if I have to drive you to the hospital in the middle of the night, and I'm drunk? Greeting our child smelling like beer? I won't exactly be "Father of the Year" will I?" He answered, causing her to laugh again, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Baby, you'll always be "Father of the Year" in my book" Karen responded, a smile on her face. Creases formed at the corners of her eyes as her smile stretched from ear to ear, pulling him closer toward her and kissing him quickly. He wrapped his arms around her waist, the music growing louder around them as no more words were shared, and they kissed.

Karen groaned, pulling away from him and looking toward her bump. A frown appeared on her face as she inhaled through grit teeth, her hand flying toward the bottom of the bump, as well as her lower back. Frank's grip tightened in case she fell, panic paralysing him quickly. "What? What's wrong? Tell me what hurts"

After a few seconds of her eyes shut tightly, her frown dissipated and she looked toward him, shaking her head. "It's nothing, just a little painful. It's gone now, don't worry. It's normal when you're overdue; almost like a placebo thing. Sometimes you get contraction pains but you're not in labour. Stop worrying"

Before their conversation could continue, a chillingly loud voice interrupted them. Frank felt their presence before the voice registered in his mind, sending him flying to the side due to the impact of their collision. He turned, a frown on his face as he recognised his sister, holding their drinks. She wore glasses in the shape of "2018" and a bright pink feather boa around her neck. He could tell she was already hammered. "Drinks for my babies!"

"Gabby?" He shouted, confused. "What on earth are you doing here?"

Frowning, she laughed. "I was invited, duh" Throwing her arm around his neck, he jostled harshly once again. "Scott asked me to come"

"Oh, did he now?" Frank answered, folding his arms as he shoved her arm off him. This was so typical of Scott, and sharing a look with Karen, he could tell she was thinking the same. She raised her brows, shaking her head distastefully. Instead of enjoying himself as much as he could despite the circumstances, he knew that now he'd be spending the night trying to keep the two of them apart as the last time they were together, seven items of value got broken and it was considerably messy in many aspects. "Where's Mike?"

"Who knows? Not here" She replied, sipping from Frank's beer that she took back from him. He frowned and took the beer from her as she started to drink it all, placing it on a nearby table. "He took the kids to his Mom's or something. He was pissed when he found out I was coming here so pretty much grabbed them both and walked out. My kids. My kids!"

"They're his kids too, remember. God you are so wasted. Gab, this isn't fair on them, you can't keep leaving them to switch between the two of you because you and Mike are having problems. Your kids always come first and you have to give them a stable home life whilst they're growing up. It can really affect them when they're older"

Gabriela cackled loudly, so much so that tears began forming in her eyes. "Look at you, pregnancy guru" Looking toward Karen, she spoke again "What the fuck have you done to him?" Back at Frank; "Don't talk about how I parent my kids, you know nothing about being a parent. And anyway, we're not having problems so shut up, you don't know jack shit, Frank"

This time, he was the one laughing, only bitterly. "Understatement of the year. You have to understand why Mike doesn't want to be around you, why you're having problems in the first place. He thinks you're in love with another man, Gabby. That's a little unsettling for him, don't you think? I can't believe he still puts up with you, in this state"

"Frank, you don't mean that" Karen interjected.

"No he doesn't" Gabriela said, ignoring what Karen had said.

"Uh, he kinda does, because you drunkenly told my best friend that you were in love with him and then proceeded to tell Mike, your husband, that you had done so" Frank snapped in response. He had lowered his voice and he could tell the seriousness of it scared her a little. He could feel Karen's hand on his arm tighten as if to stop him from going any further.

"Key word, Frank; drunkenly. Nobody means what they say if they're drunk, you of all people should know that"

"No, Gabby, when people are drunk, it means more. It's the truth they could never say aloud when they're sober. That's one thing I do know"

Staring at him a little, she never responded. Sighing loudly, Gabriela left before he could say anything else and he sighed himself as she headed toward Scott stood across the room from them. He had clearly been watching them and as he caught eyes with Frank, he looked a little helpless. Frank was angry. Karen turned him toward her as his frown printed permanently on his forehead. "There's no use in talking about that now, Frank, she's drunk. You can't talk any sense into her"

"Why did Scott even invite her though?" He asked, looking at the two of them over his shoulder. Gabriela had resumed her drunken state and her arm was on Scott's as they stood opposite each other, getting more and more comfortable with one another. Karen did the same, her eyes following where he was looking. "Last time I checked he hated the sight of her"

Karen sighed, shrugging and placing her arms back around his neck, turning his head back toward her. She smiled, clearly trying to relieve the anger from him. It worked a little, his frown softening as he looked at her. "Hate is a strong word. His mind works in weird ways, you know that more than anyone. You don't want to start the new year off to a bad start with both of them, do you?"

He shrugged. "I guess not"

"Besides" Karen said, "Half an hour til midnight"

\--

"Here," Scott approached Frank with a shot glass and forced it in his hand. The majority of the guests that Frank didn't know were gathered around the TV to watch the countdown live from Times Square. Him and Karen were more toward the back of the group, not really bothered about the stream. "Two minutes to go, dude"

"No, Scott I'm not taking this" Frank replied, holding it out toward him but Scott had already moved onto other people around him. "Scott, take it back, please"

"Sorry, hands full Frank" Scott called back, still handing shot glasses out to other people around him who were all grateful for the alcohol. Scott returned, drinking one of the shots in his hand before shaking his head wildly. "Listen man, just wanted to say thanks for everything you've done for me, this year has been so much better than last year and that's because of you"

Frank's anger dissipated as Scott spoke at a violent pace. He stared at him, a smile falling on his face before Scott drank another shot that he had in his hand. He was really having as best a time as he could, and Frank knew just how hard that was for him been as it used to be the complete opposite between them. "Scott you're the one that made the year better, buddy. You make me a better person everyday"

Scott laughed, disposing of the shot glasses in his pocket. "Stop it man, I'm gonna cry"

"Yeah," Karen insisted, "So am I, you big sappy losers. Just hug it out already"

Putting his arm around her, Frank squeezed her closer toward him and Scott practically jumped on the both of them. He slapped Frank on the back of the head rather harshly, reminding him of how he'd done exactly the same that day Frank walked into work with stitches in the back of his head because his new neighbour hit him over the head with a frying pan. He smiled. Scott kissed Karen's cheek, hugging her individually before hugging him just as tight.

He disappeared and the moment died, just as the countdown struck one minute. Frank's attention was back on the shot glass that he was supposed to drink at midnight exactly. Karen could see him eyeing it and she nudged him a little. "Just take it, Frank. It's not going to hurt" She said, linking hands with him. "Enjoy yourself. It's New Years!"

"I'll enjoy myself when our child is safe and sound and healthy outside of your womb and not until then" he replied, lowering the glass toward his leg as he looked at her. "That could be hours away, or days away, maybe even weeks, but it isn't now. So I'll behave on my own terms, thank you"

Karen just laughed, shaking her head. "If you're always gonna be this over protective of me, wait until baby Castle hits the teens. Then you'll have something to worry about. I can't believe I'm stuck with you for at least the next eighteen years of our lives whilst our baby grows up"

"That's a bad thing?" He asked, cocking a brow.

She smiled before rolling her eyes dramatically. "The worst"

"Sorry," Frank said, still holding onto the shot glass as he wrapped his free arm around her waist. "When our baby turns eighteen, I'll be out of your hair. I promise. I'll even leave at 12:01 in the morning, been as you obviously can't wait to get rid of me"

"Thirty seconds!"

Scott's voice echoed around the room, cheers filling the brief second of silence as they resumed counting down. Frank turned to see where everyone was centred, but still had no view of the TV and the stream. Instead, he saw Gabriela walking toward him with two shot glasses in her hand. "I'm going to drink them both!" She yelled, shaking them in front of his face, letting the contents slosh over the edges. "In the place of a New Year's kiss been as my husband is in Bakersfield with his boring parents"

He could hear Karen laugh but Frank rolled his eyes as the people around him began counting down from ten. The energy in the room was so wild that Frank felt a little misplaced. His mind drifted away from the people around him; to Mike and the kids also in a party full of strangers; his parents finally at peace with one another; wondering where Marco was inside of _Shay's_ and who he was kissing at midnight. He looked around before Karen tightened her grip on his arm.

_10...9...8..._

He could see Scott weaving his way through the crowd toward him and Karen spoke. "Frank?"

_7...6...5..._

"Hm?" He asked, looking down toward her quickly. Gabriela's voice in his ear chanting the numbers was so loud he almost couldn't hear Karen.

_4...3...2..._

"I love you" She said.

_1...Happy New Year!_

He smiled. "I love you"

She pulled him toward her after he drank the shot in his hand and pressed her lips against his quickly. He gripped onto her as tightly as he could as they kissed, and he couldn't keep the smile off his face. Pulling away, he felt little streams of confetti hitting his head and he looked up. The long colourful streams coated Karen's hair as he looked toward her but her eyes were elsewhere. 

Frank followed her gaze immediately before clocking eyes on Scott and his sister making out rather roughly. They were a good thirty seconds into the New Year and people had begun to head around the room to friends and family and saying happy new year to as many as they could, but Scott and Gabriela didn't stop for breath. "Jesus Christ," Frank said looking at the two of them before they finally broke apart.

"Frank"

He was hesitant to reply, watching their every move to see what would happen next in terms of it being a one-time thing as they were both completely shit faced or if it was for real. By the sounds of Scott's developments in a possible relationship, it would mean nothing. But although she had Mike, Gabriela was lonely and he couldn't determine the same for her. "Huh"

"Frank" She snapped, more urgently as she gripped hold of his arm.

"What? What is it?" He asked, finally turning back toward Karen.

Her eyes were wide but there was a bewildered smile on her face.

"My waters just broke"


	51. epilogue

_This is to certify that_

**FRANCESCA BELLE CASTLE**

_Weighing_ **07** _Ibs._ **03** _oz., was born_

 _On_ **JANUARY 01** _at_ **10:03 AM**

 _To_ **FRANCIS CASTLE** _and_ **KAREN PAGE**

 _In the year of_ **2018.**

\--

_You are invited to the_

**WEDDING CEREMONY**

_joining the lives of_

**MR. SCOTT SARDAROV**  
&  
**MISS GEORGINA RHODES**

**Friday March 08th  
at 01:00 PM**

**St. Ives Church**  
424 Stokes Way  
Manhattan 

_Reception to follow._

\--

**We Still Do!**

_Honouring 10 years of marriage_

**MICHAEL & GABRIELA CARRILLO**

_would like to invite you to_

**THE RENEWAL OF THEIR WEDDING VOWS**

_Saturday 20th April, 2018_

_Pritchard House Receptions  
501 Austin Street, Pritchard Vale_

**RSVP: 0421-345-896**

\--

_This is to certify that_

**MACY JANE LARSON**

_Has been formally adopted into_

_Into the_ **CASTIGLIONE - TAMBLE FAMILY**

 _By_ **MARCO CASTIGLIONE** _and_ **BLAKE TAMBLE**

 _On the_ **23rd **_day of_ **AUGUST 2018******

\-- 

**LISA'S TURNING 9**

_Let's Party!_

_You_ **FRANK CASTLE** _are invited_

_On_ **Friday December 11**

**6-8 PM @ Lisa's House  
RSVP to Calissa Avensbrooke: 789-458-725**


	52. dear readers [a note]

Dear Readers,

If you’re reading this, you’ve reached the end of **On Thin Ice**! Holy _shit_ , this is the longest and most thought out fic I have ever written and the responses I’ve gotten only fuelled me to write a better, realistically diverse domestic love story. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me for this long; I hope you were satisfied with the ending and loved all the additional characters I added just as much as I did myself. Your kudos/comments truly stay with me forever and it warms my heart to receive them. I had a bad experience with a previous fic on here two years ago, and you guys restored all my confidence in posting. So, thank you.

In regards to the story, I just want to tie up any loose ends or answer any questions that may be floating around? **Feel free to stop reading at this point, I am most likely just rambling my authorial notes, lol.**

The main aim of this fic was to write about Frank, which is why the story is from his point of view. The sections of time without Karen were necessary to the plot, not just me causing Frank as much pain as possible. Even when they did break from one another, I tried to incorporate her into the text as much as I could so that the chapters weren’t boring, I guess. At some points, specifically with the time after Frank overdosed and when he met up with Karen again at his Mother’s funeral, I did consider doing further chapters with the same period of time passing, only from Karen’s point of view. I would have explored how her family dealt with Frank’s problems, how they reacted, how she dealt with Toby keeping secrets from her and how he overall became the bad guy (lol). But, in the end it didn’t feel right.

Another aim for this fic was writing about family. It is a huge ideal that is so important to me and I feel that fics only represent a pairing and their love, not the baggage that they have with their families. Frank’s family were so special to me, even the characters that weren’t the most likable in the beginning, and their bond only growing through the story was something I wanted to express deeply. Familial bonds are really, really special to me as a person, not just a writer. It was for this reason that Frank and Gabriela’s relationship was so close, Frank had such a good relationship with his Mother, Marco and Frank made up in the end, and why I chose to write flashbacks that centred around his family. Frank and Scott’s relationship was also heavily influenced by this, their bromance not being something I had planned at the beginning of writing this fic. Originally, Scott was a minor character as he is not a canon character, but I felt that Frank needed to have someone with a positive influence in his life, who managed to point out his issues and help Frank become the better man. I ended up loving their relationship so much that they became two best friends by the end of the fic.

As for Frank’s physical and mental health, it is an issue that is close to home for me and I felt that I needed to portray his addiction, PTSD and anxiety as honestly as I could. It had to be brutal, and I didn’t want any of it to be romanticised or seen as a stereotypical “brooding” character traits. Chapter thirty nine was the biggest one for me to write and the peak of the story, as it truly showed the ugliness of Frank’s addiction and put everything on display. Scenes like the bar fight with Marco and the fight with Scott in his apartment really emphasise how badly it affects Frank and how it changed him as a person. All the brutal, blunt self-loathing comments he makes about himself also contribute to this, and I felt that it was really important to his development for them to occur throughout the fic.

As for the last chapter, the time jump let me explore SO MUCH! I was so excited when I thought of the idea and I hope it worked out like I wanted it to. Although you don’t see Marco, all the core characters are present at some point during the chapter and I felt that it was important to show how much they had changed and developed. For Frank, he was recovered and in a healthy, honest relationship with Karen which had been his end goal since the first few chapters. I felt like after all he’d been through, he deserved that at least. Scott became a more positive character who had realised his mistakes, not let them define him and moved on with his life and his son. I feel that this was really important for him as it affected him so much throughout the fic that he deserved his epiphany and to move on for good. The two of them only make the other better throughout the year that passed. As for Gabriela, she took a turn for the worst. It felt right to do this as she had been a strong character and acted as Frank’s rock for the whole fic, she had her downfall coming sooner or later. The element of mystery surrounding Scott and Gabriela’s relationship was something I liked most about the last chapter because it can be interpreted in literally any way you want. I have my fantasies, hopefully you have yours. But that shall stay a mystery. 

(Originally, I wanted to have them together by the end but alas, I ended up liking Mike too much.)

I think that’s all? Just my thoughts on the planning and processes that went through my mind whilst writing, do not feel obliged to read it at all! Again, I cannot thank you for reading as far as you did and sticking with the long-winded chapters and plot holes etc. This fic almost ended after the third chapter, can you believe it?  
If you have any questions that I haven’t covered, feel free to drop a comment below or you can contact me at any of these social medias:

**TWITTER: @icohans  
TUMBLR: frnakcaslte.tumblr.com/ask**

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

All my love,  
Olivia aka mind_boggling  
x


	53. notice

hi readers!

today is the official one year anniversary of this fic! how cute!

as this fic is very special to me, and i've gotten multiple comments that other people have enjoyed it also, i felt that i wanted to give all of you wonderful readers a gift to mark _on thin ice_ 's first birthday. 

either **tonight** or **early tomorrow** i will be releasing **one short novella** about frank and karen's high school relationship. it's something i've always wanted to write and hopefully i'll do it justice and you will enjoy it. 

as well as this, i will also be releasing my **casting** for the main characters in this fic. when writing a novel or a fic, the characters become very special to me and i feel that i have to put a face to the name. i've thought long and hard about this casting, changed some of them multiple times, but made sure to cast the actors/actresses that i thought truly portrayed the role. that was one thing i wanted to nail. of course, continue to imagine the characters in your own way, i only encourage your own visions, but wanted to share my own!

thank you for your continued support, you all mean the world to me!

all my love,

olivia aka mind_boggling. x


	54. genesis [hs novella]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i recommend listening to "genesis" by dua lipa before/after reading. enjoy. x

_(In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth/For what it's worth, I think that he might've created you first)_

He'd never been into a dark room, let alone in the photography attired area of the school. He knew that's where she'd be situated, every time he'd seen her in the hallways, that's where she was headed. He wondered if all the times he'd laid eyes on her, she'd known. If she stole glances of him across the cafeteria like he did when he spotted her wave of crimson hair dart from around a corner. As he strode through the doors into the art sector, these were the thoughts that occupied him.

On the wall to his right, were photographs of all the sporting teams. Soccer, star quarterback Tommy Jankis throwing a ball midfield in the shot. Cheerleading, infamous Tara Lerner stood on a bridge of smaller girls, taking her one claim to fame as the photograph was taken. Almost picture perfect. And then below, ice hockey. It was himself, raised above the ice by his team mates, holding a trophy with a bloody nose. A small smile etched itself across his face. _Taken by Karen Page._

The left wall occupied art and photography, scenic sketches plastered over the wall in a multitude of medias, photographs of pretty much anything, ranging from a skyline to a pile of spoons. It was too deep for him to understand, which is why he stuck to the sporty side of things. The girls passing by him as they left their class muttered about him, stared at him, looked away flustered as he smiled at them. It was probably the shock of him having ventured into that area of the school, more than anything; _what's he doing here? And I've never seen him anywhere near the arts. Does he even like them?_

She was curled over a computer in the corner of the room, her hair in a messy bun as she typed away, the odd clicks now and then, a pencil amidst the curls of hair. Other than herself, the room was empty. He hauled his kit over his shoulder before walking over toward her. Blowing a breath out quickly, he gathered his nerves in one. She stood from the chair, turning toward him before he could even tap her shoulder. Eyes widening, she dropped a few tiny looking bottles.

"It's you" she said quickly, flustered, confused, embarrassed. Suddenly it was a bad idea. He didn't know where he'd got the confidence from in the first place, the dumb taunting from Ark and Dre in the locker room having been his original purpose.

He bent to the floor, gathering the tiny bottles, grasping them in his hands before returning to his stance. Her eyes were on his hands, clearly desperate to get them back from him. "You dropped these bottles, are they pills or something? Careful you don't take one too many, the number of bottles you have"

She laughed a little, taking them from him. "Thanks for the concern but they're not pills. It's film. Has my latest photos on, I was just on my way to develop them"

A smile crept on his face and he tried his best to disguise it by rolling it into an awkward bite of the lip. It wasn't any better than the original smirk on his face. She probably thought he was an idiot by now. "You're dedicated, it's almost 5PM, what are you still doing here?"

"I could ask the same of you" She replied, her cheeks flooding a similar shade to her hair. She folded her arms to look somewhat menacing, but he could tell that his mere presence sent her into a complete mess. He'd gotten used to having messy conversations with just about anyone because of it. Gabriela and Marco didn't see what all the fuss was about.

"I had practise" He answered, adjusting the strap of his kit on his shoulder. "What's your excuse?"

She shook her head, sighing. "What do you want, Frankie? If you're just here to mock me then-"

"You still owe me a date at _Millie's_. That's why I'm here"

She paused for an abnormally long time. "You were serious?"

He nodded. "As ever"

"Oh God" she whispered, placing her free hand on her forehead, her messy bun beginning to fall down her back. "Why?"

Scoffing, he spoke. "Why? Because I enjoy your company"

She looked around, on high alert. "But you're you and-"

He sighed, placing a hand on her arm to stop her. "If you give me that _you're-you-and-I'm-me-we're-from-completely-different-worlds_ bullshit speech, I will walk out of here right now"

She couldn't hold back her laughter. He smiled at her smile, it was one of the most pleasant things he'd seen in a long while. "I have an assignment due for tomorrow so I can't make the coffee but," she hesitated, looking around before holding her film up. "You could always develop these with me?"

A simple nod. "Lead the way"

∞

_(I need your love/And I'm dying for the rush/'Cause my heart ain't got enough)_

His body ached in more than one place, every few seconds someone from the opposing side slamming their own body into his. His skin had learned to take it, toughen up and tense his muscles ready for the impact. His helmet clattered violently against his skull, no hair to protect it as the buzzcut he was forced to get took any sort of comfort away. Blood oozed from places, dripping from amidst the helmet onto his white jersey.

He moved swiftly between the other players, eyes on the puck, flitting back and forth from the net and the ice. Everyone, everyone was yelling at him, calling his name either menacingly or from the stands, urging him on to skate quicker, swifter, deadlier. The rest of the game was on his shoulders. Down to the last minute, the pain was just about bearable, knowing that a win for his team was within reach.

More and more people shoved into him, so hard that he went flying into the plastic that coated the outside of the rink. Somehow, he kept the puck within his stick, regaining his balance quickly and ducking, skating off before two of the opposing members approached him. The next few seconds were a blur to him, reaching the net just in time and sliding the puck inside, just about missing the goalie.

He whipped his head around quickly, before he was bombarded with his team mates, pulling his helmet off as the final whistle sounded. They tugged at him, screaming all sorts into his ear, mixing with the crowd's loud screeching. He saw his entire family in the stands, a grin spreading across his face as his father was on his feet, cheering and clapping, hands high in the air, _that's my boy! That's my son!_ It was one of the best feelings ever, making him proud, and he never got tired of it.

Just behind them, there she stood. Cupping her hands around her mouth, she hooted loudly, her infectious grin spreading from ear to ear. As he locked eyes with her, his breath hitched a little, his lips curled up even further. She was so happy, so happy to watch him, even if it were in secret. Somehow that made it better. It was just something between the two of them. No-one would know where he was looking, who he was sharing such a fatal grin with. A connection.

She pulled her camera from around her neck and snapped a photo. His grinning like an absolute buffoon, ended up on the front page that next morning.

∞ 

_(This is getting serious/Tell me that it's not the end of us)_

He next saw her on the bottom row of the bleachers in the evening.

(It was around the time that he had his suspicions that Gabriela had started dating someone, but she denied all interactions with junior artist Mike Carrillo. She didn't even take art, and yet he'd seen the two of them together.)

A senior pep rally. Three soccer players, including Tommy Jankis were surrounding her. She looked uncomfortable from across the pitch where he was stood with Damien, and he didn't even hesitate to practically sprint across toward her when Jankis began poking at her. He knew it would break her whole vow-of-secrecy pact, but at that point, he was beyond caring.

"Jankis" He called, slowing into a fast walk as he neared them, arms swinging and the anger flowing off him in vibrations. Her face lit up with horror as he yanked Jankis off her, throwing him to the ground violently. "What the hell d'you think you're doing, huh?"

He stood again quickly, with the help of his two friends who'd quickly jumped from the bleachers when their leader was knocked down. Jankis shook himself down before quickly approaching him. "Why don't you watch yourself, V, yeah? You touch me again and I'll call the cops"

He laughed. It was a bad decision. "The cops? I'm terrified"

"You should be" Jankis spat in response. "How you gonna protect the innocent from jail, big guy? What'd Karen Page ever do for you, anyway other than take your picture and make you look like the high and mighty bastard that you are?"

"Shut up" He snarled, approaching Jankis closely.

Her hand landed on his arm heavily. "Don't, please, not for me. It's not worth it, I'm not worth it" 

"Hey Frankie," Jankis said, lowering his voice. "Who knows. Maybe if I call the cops they'll deport your parents, too"

That was initially what sent him over the edge, and Tommy Jankis to a hospital bed. He punched him until he lost all feeling in his fists, blood coating the entire of both of his hands, ending in both of his younger siblings pulling him off of Jankis' body. Both of them were screaming at him, pulling him away through the crowd that had gathered around the two of them.

He spotted the cheerleaders, he spotted Mike Carrillo greet his sister with a touchy-feely holding of the arms after she left him with a medic. But he didn't see Karen anywhere.

∞ 

_(Without you, I've got no air to breathe in/How can we go back to the beginning?)_

When he approached the door, he knew he'd find her in the dark room.

It was an odd contraption, the way the door did a 360 turn so that photos didn't get ruined, but also so you could leave whenever was necessary. It rumbled upon entry and exit, so he couldn't make a discreet slip-in-the-back. It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust but as he'd predicted, she was the only one inside. At first, he was at a loss for words and all he could say was her name.

"Fuck off" she responded, bitterly. He could hear the sloshing of the liquid in the trays in front of her as she continually developed her photographs. He approached the bench she was working on, placing his hands on the edges and leaning down a little. "I mean it"

"You haven't answered my texts for a week" He said.

"There's a clear reason for that" She snapped.

"Well, could you tell me? Cause I'm lost" He answered.

"Are you kidding me?" She asked, dropping the tongs into the liquid, along with her photograph. "The pep rally? You completely beating the living _shit_ out of Tommy Jankis and hospitalising him. I don't know, Frankie, does that ring a bell with you?"

"Wait, how am I in the wrong for that?" He asked, accusingly, eyes widening and brows knitting together. Everything was very deceiving in the dark. "I helped you, he was clearly harassing you and you were uncomfortable so I put him in his place"

"I asked you," she said, emphasis on her words. "I asked you to keep this private"

"This" he said pathetically. "What is "this"? Is it a friendship? A relationship? Because I'm confused, Karen. Half the time you act like you don't even like me. And I'm _really_ into you, can't you see that?"

She paused. When she spoke, her voice was softer. She had turned toward him fully now. "You are?"

" _God_ , yes" he answered, laughing sheepishly. "When my brother yanked me from the fight at the rally, you were gone. And it shook me up. I just thought, why didn't she wait? Doesn't she care?"

He flinched wildly as she placed a hand on his arm, softly. "Of course, I do"

When their conversations got too deep, or too personal and emotional, there was always a long pause between the both of them, and he hated it. It was as if there was a barrier that they were both too afraid to cross. He'd hesitated too many times and he vowed there and then, that it was about to change. She sensed the discomfort and turned her body away from him, beginning to develop another one of her prints.

Her hand slipped down his arm as she moved, and as it brushed his hand, he grabbed a hold of it. It was the first time they'd ever been affectionate toward one another and he didn't know how she was taking it. She didn't pull away, which was a good sign. His other hand slipped underneath her arm and positioned on her lower back. He felt her tense up a little, but she instinctively moved closer.

As she spoke, he felt her breath hot on the base of his neck. They were inches apart. "My prints are going to be ruined" her voice was barely a whisper, her breath hitching as he let go of her hand and held her face in his palms. She placed her hand on the back of his neck, standing on her tiptoes as her body moved beneath his hands. "Mr. Connors is going to kill me"

"I'll take the wrap" he whispered back, their lips almost touching, his nose fitting neatly with hers against her face. His eyes closed in the dark, her lips brushing against his briefly, her other arm snaking around his back to pull them closer together. He could feel her heart pounding on his chest, hear his own in his ears. "Don't worry"

Everything exploded in his ears when they touched, fitting together as though they'd never been apart. Fitting in time as though the clocks had been running backwards until then. Fitting the colours, red, blue, orange, green, yellow, the entire rainbow, as though until their lips touched, everything was grey. He didn't know how one kiss, their first kiss, was so good; but all the hunger inside of him for her arms around him, was finally satisfied.

Her prints were ruined. Definitely ruined.


	55. casting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> originally, i posted my casting along with gifs on wattpad, where this fic originated. but i didn't want you guys over here on ao3 to miss out. i'll post my casting list below, but you're welcome to check out the casting chapter of this fic over on my wattpad @mind_boggling -> on thin ice. enjoy!

**on thin ice cast:**

**CASTIGLIONE + CO:**

jon bernthal as **frank castle**  
sarah shahi as **gabriela carrillo**  
dj cotrona as **marco castiglione**  
brandon quinn as **mike carrillo**  
isabela moner as **layla carrillo**  
joshua rush as **jamie carrillo**  
jenna dewan tatum as **camille lepaul**  
sonia braga as **suri castiglione**  
andy garcia as **vincenzo castiglione**

_supporting:_

gerald mcraney as **dr harrison rafferty**  
steven weber as **johnny rickett**

**MORELLO + CO:**

rachael taylor as **calissa marriott**  
ashley zukerman as **carson morello**  
alyvia alyn lind as **lisa morello**

_supporting:_

ryan mcpartlin as **nick avensbrooke**

**PAGE + CO:**

eric winter as **toby page**  
deborah ann woll as **karen morello**

_supporting:_

patricia wettig as **veronica page**  
stephen lang as **paxton page**  
katheryn winnick as **belle layton**  
jillian murray as **maggie covan**  
robert hoffman as **dale spencer**  
dave annable as **seb layton**

**SARDAROV + CO:**

miguel angel silvestre as **scott sardarov**  
serinda swan as **elise sardarov**

_supporting:_

pierce gagnon as **jesse sardarov**  
wilmer valderrama as **mason sardarov**


End file.
